Valentines Guide: Bath & Body Gifts

On a good day passing Bath & Body Works in the Mall makes my nose itch.  On a bad day I could vomit, but chicks love this stuff.  Soaps, oils, skin what-not, it’s a fail safe “Never Go Wrong” on any occasion, so much so that I keep a few small generic baskets in the house just in case I forget a birthday, secretary day or some other manufactured holiday designed to screw me out of my hard earned cash.
So why struggle on Valentine’s Day?  The Bath and body gels deal is always a hit, and it doesn’t scream, “I want to marry you” (In fact, if you really dig into it, it may whisper, “wash up, you stink.”

Here are some fantastic choices for bath and body stuff for girls:

Dylan’s Candy Bar

Dylan’s is probably the ultimate Valentine’s Bath & Body gift.  With every girl on the planet worried about their weight, on a holiday synonymous with candy gifts, it takes the World’s Ultimate Candy Bar – Dylan’s – to beat the system.   Aside from the two options below, you can also call them directly and have them make a custom basket (from $50 – $150++) of Dylan’s candy inspired bath & body scrubs, gels, shampoos, soaps, lip balms and other crap chicks love.  Order their custom baskets here.
Re-Treat To-Go Lunchbox Gift Set

Dylan’s has a tote-ally candyfied gift set to-go!  Their Re-Treat Lunch Box comes packed with a Re-Treat Candy Butter Cream and Lip Saver in the flavor of your choice, along with three squares of Dylan’s delicious chocolates. It’s a sweet way to say, I Love You, Happy Valentine’s Day,  Thinking of You or simply – You stink!  Wash up with some candy scrub please.

Piece of Cake

Need the perfect valentine’s gift? Piece of cake! – no really, buy her this Bath and Body Piece of Cake.  Splurge on Dylans’s birthday cake batter Soda Pop Shower Gel, enriched with Vitamin E & aloe extracts & the vitamin-packed Body Smoothie Lotion. For the icing on the cake, they include a Candy Lip Saver, infused with natural beeswax & conditioning Shea butter.  Now here’s the best part – the stuff actually smells exactly like birthday cake!  I gave some to my girl and she was delicious!

Right now you can get 20% off Dylan’s RE-TREAT Products, so check it out right away!

This is a 1 ounce Package so it appears bigger here. It's awesome but not a stand alone gift - be warned!

I like Pure Romance products because the company’s niche seems to be women approved sex gels.  We’ll be talking about those in next weeks guide (Click here to see all the dates), but for now I’m going to mention some of their cooler Bath & Beauty items that can make a great gift.

Body Bling which is cool enough in name alone to be a great gift for the ladies 18-34 is bound to be a huge hit.  It’s basically body glitter, but it’s big advantages to other glitter products are that this stuff is both vanilla flavored, and edible.  At $13.50 it’s a score, just be warned that like the reverse passenger mirror, items on the Pure Romance website appear larger than in reality – for example this is a one ounce container – that’s like lip gloss small.  The good news is that the edible vanilla flakes of shimmering gold can be worn all day and nibbled off all night!  She’s accentuating the skin, you’re getting a light snack.  Win-Win.  Now I urge you to chub up with a few extra items or some flowers.  If it’s flowers you seek, check out the Flowers Guide here.  Otherwise, for more  Pure Romance Bath and Body Products, their products page can be found here.

Valentine’s Gift Guides: Perfumes

Everyday we’re bringing you an assortment of Valentines gift ideas for that “soon to be the bane of your existence” special lady in your life.  Sure within five years you’re going to rue the day that you ever met the life force consuming, gold digging succubus, but in the meantime can’t we at least enjoy a little romance?

Can you Smell What Hiroshi is Cooking? We’re talking Perfumes today, but to see the whole schedule of Sexy, Traditional, Sweet, Erotic, Exotic and other gift guides building up to the big day - CLICK HERE.

You have to really get in there to wash it out. That stuff tends to stick in the belly button.

Mariah Carey Forever

Described as “An opulent floral, Forever reflects a modern image of glamor with its rich notes and exquisite packaging.”   Developed by perfumer Olivier Gillotin; the notes include neroli, lotus blossom, dewy green apple, tuberose, gardenia, white musk and exotic woods. The title is from a 1996 Mariah Carey song of the same name; Forever will debuted at around the same time as Carey’s album, Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel, the one with the dig at Eminem, “Obsessed” – that she back pedaled on when she realized that Em has no shame and released ”The Warning.” Fittingly, forever is also about how long Nick will be aggravated over Em’s relationship with Mariah’s stomach.  It will be available in 30, 50 and 100 ml Eau de Parfum ($42-65) and in 15 ml Parfum ($250).  Available at department stores such as Macy’s, as well as Macys.com About $50.  (Sheesh 34 bars and he ain’t even a third through??)

Of all these women . . .it's still you Brit! We can make it! Call me!

CIRCUS fantasy BRITNEY SPEARS™

The deal here is to check out our article on FANTASY OUTFITS HERE and then include CIRCUS fantasy BRITNEY SPEARS™ as the “Gift” gift and the fantasy circus costumes as the “Indoor Sports” gift.  The perfume gets you off the hook, while the outfits just, “Get you Off.” The scent is described as, “blue peony, water-lily and addictive red sweetheart orchid take the limelight with delicious sensations and exhilarating temptations” – fair enough, but the costumes are the real game changer here.  They slip right in under the radar.  Available at department stores such as Macy’s, as well as Macys.com About $40 (Dude remember this little number from back in the day?)

She Smells like Tuna.

Paris Hilton Siren

Her sixth fragrance for women dropped this July.  Siren was developed by perfumer Honorine Blanc. The fragrance notes feature mandarin, apricot nectar, frangipani, honeysuckle, coconut orchid, water lily, vanilla beans, sandalwood and creamy musk.  Now normally the only creamy musk I allow around my girlfriend is my own, but in Paris’ case I’ll make an exception.  Paris Hilton Siren will be available in 50 ($45) and 100 ($55) ml Eau de Parfum and in matching body products. The bottle design is meant to evoke a mermaid’s tail.  Good thing it wasn’t named “Big Black Adonis”  (hey – does this make you want to eat hamburgers?) Buy it at Macy’s - In fact, here’s a gift pack!

Perfume? No. Someone buy her some Daddy Repellent.

Jessica Simpson Fancy Love

Jessica “Is this chicken or tuna?” Simpson Fancy Love is described as a warm, romantic floral.  Fancy Love was developed by perfumers Yves Cassar, Celine Barel, Pascal Gaurin and Clement Gavarry, and the notes feature goji leaf, peach blossom, bergamot, blush champagne, lotus blossom, peony, plumeria, jasmine, rose, creamy amber, blonde woods, musk and patchouli.  Personally, I think “Jessica Simpson Kareoke” or “Daddy Repellent” are names that would have sold much better.  Jessica Simpson Failure Marriage er -Fancy Love will be available in 50 and 100 ml Eau de Parfum and in matching body lotion at Macy’s.

With Love…Hilary Duff

With Love … Hilary Duff is “An expression of love in all its forms and dimensions (Wow is that what Bukake smells like?) especially the breathtaking excitement of romance and the feeling you get when you create something beautiful, straight from the heart”.  Available at ElizabethArden.com about $55

Pretty MILF-Y for a young girl.

The notes in Wrapped with Love were inspired by Hilary Duff’s fun and flirtatious side – (ok but she she really have a perfume to sell for each side?  Which one is for her back side?  Because I’d like to apply for the Applicator Job.)  The result is a delectable fragrance with a signature scent –a creamy backdrop showcasing juicy and succulent notes.  Available at ElizabethArden.com about $35

Without a hot chick in the ad, it's just not the same.

Badgley Mischka Couture

Described as “A floriental woody scent, a luxurious blend of rich, sensual fruits joined with exquisite feminine florals and seductive musks.”  It’s glamorous (I guess.  Not sure what qualifies it, but OK), elegant (packaging looks it) and an affordable way (Cough!!  Affordable?!!? At $90 a bottle?) to bring these amazing designers into your home.  Available at Neiman Marcus. A c-note dropping $90 . . .hey it’s Neiman Marcus, not Walmart.  If you’re not sure she’s a keeper, read this, and if she is, splurge once in a while (I said splurge!  Not Spooge!)

See the complete list of Gift Guides Here

Can You Hear Me Now? Good, Cancel My Landline.

Mister?! I got your cell phone booster! She's hurt real Bad.

Think of it like a serial killer for cell phone signals, ZBoost reaches out, grabs the outdoor cellular signal, and drags it into your home or car.  It works for cell phone, smartphone and wireless data cards.

Personally I’ve been waiting for something like this for a while – the ZBooster, not the serial killer – because I would rather use my cell phone all the time and dump the land line altogether.  The ZBoost worked for me, and set up in under an hour – which was less time than it took to cancel and disconnect my land lines – “For someone that will pretend to help you, Press 1.  For someone that you’ll have to explain what you want 18 times, Press 2, if you realize we’re screwing with you, Press 3” “If you have someone in a pit in your basement, Press 4″ etc. etc.

Prices range from $180 to a price-y $400 bucks – a bit more than those $2.99 foil antenna decals, but then again if the ZBoost works for you, you’ll be able to save that much in just a few months of canceled land line service.

If you’re wondering if it will work for you, ZBoost offers a 30 day money back guarantee – but only if you order direct at www.wi-ex.com .  There’s also a video of how to install the product here: http://www.wi-ex.com/Page3188.aspx

Option 2 is every morning wrap your entire head in aluminum foil, cut out the holes for the eyes, and you’re all set.

“It puts the foil on its head or else it gets the hose again.”

Valentine’s Day Gifting based upon “Time Served”

Coed’s “Time Lapse” Valentine’s Guide

Situation.  You’re dating this girl for “X” number of hours/weeks/months/years.   What’s the appropriate Valentine’s gift that says enough without saying too much . . .or worse too little?  It’s a hell of a conundrum!  Come too strong and she’ll subscribe to Brides magazine.  Too weak and you could blow the whole day and spend the evening eating crow instead of re-enacting “9 ½ weeks”.  But Fear not!  Your wingmen at Coed magazine have got you covered

We scoured the web and identified the safest way to gift even the grabbiest, and gabbiest of girls, and we even included a “Baller Alternative” here and there, should you feel your pimp hand is strong, and you decide to “Go for the Gusto”.

Any Amount of Time a Guy Would Refer to in Hours – 24, 48, 72, 96 . . .but don’t push it.

Mortal Men – Play it Safe with a single red rose.  It says, “You’ll get the balance of this baker’s dozen on this date next year, should you be goodly enough to allow me to sleep with you sometime between now and then –preferably more than once, and hopefully in many odd positions.”   She’ll understand, and if it turns out she’s into neither the aforementioned bizarre positions or your hairline, you got out for under $10 with a good portion of your dignity intact.

Gusto – Add a bottle of Inttimo By Wet.  It’s an  “Aromatherapy Massage & Bath Oil Kit that includes four vitamin enriched natural oils” . . .just in case you can’t read Venusian, that’s Girl Talk for “Sex Lube” so that they can chalk the whole thing up to an accident.  It’s the full stealth bomber move.  You come in under the radar with the offer of a “Massage” . . .half hour later you have a sticky, well oiled,  stunned girl lying both in your bed, and to your face about how she’s never done anything like this before.

Final word of advice, if you actually like her, do yourself a favor, believe her. This is exactly how the expression “Ignorance is Bliss” came to be.  (You’ll also find other interesting and flavorful ways to make your date oxymoronically slippery and sticky at www.stayswetlonger.com).

Weeks Stage . . .maybe you can stretch it to 10

Mortal Men – In the Dignity Bowl it’s defense that wins championships.  However, at this point you’re likely at least somewhat invested, and we’re assuming (hoping might be a better word) that she is too.  You care, but we’re not talking “Hallmark” care.  This is “Cautiously Optimistic Long Distance Caring” as in “I care enough to call FTD (1-800-736-3383  or online at www.FTD.com ) and have them do the heavy lifting.  You can have an entire garden delivered if you’re a “Soon to be single and receive a straining order psycho”, but “normal” fellas can get out the door for under $50 bucks, and they’ll even include a “card” that thankfully is sized more like a business card than an American Greetings.

A little known fact, the card size that arrives with flowers was invented to keep men from sounding ridiculous – if you’re not a sitting poet laureate keep it short and semi-sweet – “Thinking of You”, “Have a Wonderful Day”, “Love and Kisses” “I’ll be there at 7:00.  Be naked” (<My favorite – and if she gets insulted you can just chalk it up to a gag) etc.  Just Remember, this card is not the format for expressing eternal devotion. Less is more, and remember – beware the “I Love You” “Matzo Ball”, Costanza.  Unless you’re absolutely sure of the return “I Love You” tread carefully.

Gusto – Have the flowers sent to her work without a senders name.  Have the card envelope read, “Open In Private”.  On the front write, “My House.  8:00PM. Bring a bottle of Canola Oil” . . .She’ll be intrigued and titillated and you’re in for a great night . . . (or someday you’ll hear a conversation that goes something like, “So I was sitting watching the game, minding my own business and this girl that works in my building that I see on the elevator once in a while, and hardly ever said a word to me, rings my doorbell with a bottle of canola oil!!”)

More than Three Months, But Not Nearly a Year

Mortal Men – Like Stephen Seagal you’re on Dangerous Ground.  We’re coming into some level of expectation here, and if you don’t pace yourself son, you’re going to be sorry.  If you’re thinking about buying “Diamond Anything” I should smack you.  Even Rubies, Emeralds and the rest of those vile “Will be Costing You a Small Fortune Soon Enough” birthstone types are an awful precedent at this stage.  Thankfully we have the answer for you.  In an ironic twist of fate, it turns out the women have been given up by one of their own!  Paula Huckabay is an artist, jewelry designer and owner of  www.pacificjewelrydesigns.com.  She has created a Swarovski crystal heart necklace that is quite cool.  Wow, the way this thing shines!   I might buy an extra to take bass fishing.

$40 bucks??? I'll take four!

At a glance I was concerned this was going to set me back some serious scratch, but they’re under $40!  That’s an awful lot of sparkle for 40 bucks!  She must have kidnapped some Indonesian kids from Kathy Lee’s Favorite Nike factory.  This thing passes as a $100-$150 item any day of the week.  How does she do it?  I don’t get it . . .but my girlfriend will – in red.

Another terrific option that says just the right amount is just about anything from Dylan’s Candy Bar. They baskets aren’t your typical stuffy old crap.  They’re hip, cool and even sexy when you throw in the candy inspired body gels, soaps and other bath crap that chicks love.  They’re awesome!  Check out the baskets here.

Gusto – You can go a bunch of ways here, depending upon your special talents.  My friend Billy can draw his ass off so he suggested getting her naked with his now classic and well seasoned “Titanic Technique” (oh stop!  You know you saw it, and half of you homos even cried just as hard as me at the end when that bitch let go).  However, I myself have no talents.  In fact, I really can’t do much of anything unique or impressive, so I’m just going to suggest she model that sparkler with her highest set of heels . . .and leave off everything else, so I’m not distracted.  Thank you Paula.

+/- An “Actual” Anniversary

Oh how effin’ ashamed I am when I hear a man – and I use the word “man” loosely in this instance – say, “It’s our six week anniversary”.  If my grandfather were alive he’d growl “Disgracia” under his breath and whack him in the head with the sausage fingered, catcher’s mitt he called a hand.

I don’t care if your girl can suck a grapefruit through a garden hose, anniversaries come only in Years. Now admittedly, any girl that’s sport enough to do terrible unspeakable acts with the likes of guys like you or me, for a full year (or close), deserves a gift of means.  The truth to be told, there’s no way to repay a woman for the defilement heaped upon her by our gender, but let’s give it our best shot.

What I Love about www.myjewelrybox.com is that you can shop/sort gifts by “Price”.  There are three buttons, (big as the numbers on one of those phones for old people), right on the homepage – Under $50, Under $100 and Under $200.

A promise that only costs $250 bucks to break is a huge bargain!

Now promise rings are about as masculine as the Jonas Brothers drinking Cosmos at a Boy George concert, but in concept they’re a winner. Girls love them because it makes them feel less guilty about those aforementioned unspeakable acts.  There’s something about “A Promise”, even one as empty as a $128.88 ring, that makes her girlfriends nod in full agreement at rationalizations like, “but only with him” and “Sure it stings when it gets in your eyes, but we’re going to be together forever, so I’m OK with it.”

They offer free shipping on any order over 50 bucks, every gift is wrapped and ready, and best of all, I don’t have to be “Buzzed” into the store as if it’s my latest weekend stay at county.  (I mean “Point Zero One?!?”  That’s like half a drink.  A poodle isn’t drunk at point zero one.  Who the hell makes these laws, Lilliputians?)

The Long Haul – A Year or more Without “Strange”

I shall explain this once and we shall never speak of it again.  Women think exactly as men do when it comes to “Strange”.  Let’s try not to think about it too much because the fantasy that my girlfriend is still utterly fascinated with my – and only my – penis is a fine one for me.  However, in truth, I know that when she’s dimmed the lights low, squints and starts yelling various crap in Japanese, she’s imagining that I’m that shredded “Bruce Lee on steroids with the Roadhouse haircut” instructor from her kickboxing class.   For couples that are together long term, Valentine’s day is the day to “Spice it Up”.  Think of it like Sadie Hawkins Day for Vibrators – anything goes.

I had no idea how much chicks love techno over 165 bpm.

Everyone loves music. Everyone loves sex. The OhMiBod (www.ohmibod.com ) is a wireless vibrator that actually plugs into your iPod and is controlled by the beat and volume of the music – Awesome, just utterly totally awesome.  It’s like the old Reece’s Commercial, only now instead of your chocolate, your vibrator is in my peanut butter.  In the immortal words of The Black Eyed Peas lead singer Will I. Am, “I Got a Feeling That Tonight’s Gonna Be a Good Night”.

The Gusto – I’m going to “Pump Up the Jam”, with the new K-Y® INTENSE™ – AROUSAL GEL FOR HER (www.k-y.com ).  The claim is that this stuff makes a woman have a mind blowing orgasm – brilliant!  And to think that the guy that invented this almost became a cancer doctor!  Whew, close call! Then where would we be? I admit that at first I found K-Y’s claims hard to believe, like when my Mom used to tell me I was handsome, so I checked it out.  Turns out I’m ugly, but the good news is that chemically the stuff checks out!  It contains two primary ingredients that contribute to the effect – Propylene Glycol and Niacin.  I won’t get into the science here, but suffice to say that one causes a warm sensation and the other increases blood flow to the area by as much as 10X.  I’m doing it . . .and if this doesn’t work I guess I’ll just get some Samurai armor or a ninja suit.

Now you still need to “cocktail” the sex romp with some trinkets and attention.  Flowers, candy, dinner (but keep it light – Beef & Bean Burritos and Vibrators do not mix!) a piece of jewelry – anything that “makes her feel like a woman”during the day will help bring out the beast in the evening.  So review the earlier reccos, pick 1-2 and add it to the mix of gels, lubes, midgets and power tools.

And just in case you’re still totally clueless, you have one final shot!  Email me at editor@teamcoed.com.  Put Help! I Have No Game! in the subject with your full contact info inside (Name, address, phone, age ) and maybe we’ll shower the girl of your dreams with a huge basket full of Valentine’s loot.  Who knows, maybe she’s feeling charitable and we can score you a mercy lay.

. . .and then they heard me scream, as I turned out the lights, “Happy Valentine’s Day to all, and may you not get or give crabs tonight!”

Need More Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas?  Click here.

Now You Can Get Kicked Out of Van Halen Too

Either Michael Anthony is Benjamin Buttons, or Eddie's a Douchebag Friend.

Guitar Hero® Van Halen® features 25 of Van Halen’s greatest hits including “Jump”, “Panama” and three Eddie Van Halen’s epic guitar solos.  Notoriously missing is the “Kick Out” feature where Eddie throws you out of the band regardless of how well you’re doing, how popular you are, or how long you’ve been jamming with him.

Available now in the United States and in Europe on February 19, 2010, Guitar Hero Van Halen is rated “T” (which is definitely NOT for Tequila, I assure you.   It’s for “Teen – Mild Lyrics, Mild Suggestive Themes”)

For more information about Guitar Hero Van Halen, please visit www.vanhalen.guitarhero.com, and for more info on the band, visit the notoriously Michael Anthony lacking www.van-halen.com

Coed Magazine’s 14 Days of Valentine Gifts Guide!

This is the money you saved by flying solo this Valentine's Day. (nice)

Everyday we’re bringing you an assortment of Valentines gift ideas for that “soon to be the bane of your existence” special lady in your life.  Sure within five years you’re going to rue the day that you ever met the life force consuming, gold digging succubus, but in the meantime can’t we at least enjoy a little romance, right?

No wife?  No girlfriend.  No prospects?  No Problem! You should still tune in everyday so you can see the money you’ll save, as well as the official COED FLYING SOLO THIS VALENTINE’S DAY list on the 14th, featuring gift recommendations for treating that very, very special someone – yourself! Like Alvin told Dave Seville, “It’s a present Dave, from ME to ME”

The Gift Guide Run Down Looks Like This:

Date     Items of List

1. Valentine’s Gifts Timeline – By her a gift based upon the time she has vested with you.
2. Lingerie and Costumes – Worth checking out for the models alone!
3. Valentine’s Perfume Buyers Guide – Bring another girl into the bedroom . . .sort of (not really.)
4. Valentine’s Flowers Guide – What rose colors mean.  Recos for Mom and Grandma too!
5. Weird Valentine’s Day Gifts – Uh . . .yeah.
6. Valentine’s Bath & Body Guide – Use these items to get her in the tub!
7. Valentines Jewelry Guide – Why Promise Rings are awesome – read on trust me!
8. Valentines Candy Buyers Guide – From Dylans, Jers and More.
9. Valentine’s Mobile Phone & Tech Guide
10. Valentines For Music Lovers
11. iLove: iPhone and iPod Gifts
12. Valentine’s Sexy Stuff
13. 5 Cheap & Easy Valentines Gift Ideas
14. Flying Solo: Five Gifts to Buy Yourself

Tera-Beats: Music This Week!

Rob Zombie “Hellbilly Deluxe II”

Perfect music for: Taking down a pack of werewolves from your ’65 Charger

You know what to expect from Rob Zombie.  It’s a pretty simple equation.  Weird sound effects under a stellarly clear hi-fi guitar, the occasional solo, Rob saying the ‘M-F’ word a whole bunch.  And if the two singles released insofar are any indication of what the whole album will be, there is almost zero deviation from the formula.  The single ‘Sick Bubblegum’, a chugging frustration journey through Mr. Zombie’s mind based mostly around the ‘F’ word could easily be renamed ‘My Name is Rob Zombie and I Want to Have Sex’.  Though admittedly a little less catchy of a name, it’s the truth. Not a bad song, though. Perfect for kicking ass to.  Drops February 2.

Other Albums to Check Out:

Hot Chip “One Left Stand” – Follow up to Hot Chip’s 2008 techno-classic “One Pure Thought”, among the decades hookiest albums.  “One Left Stand” promises more of the same with the addition of more fuzzy guitar and hypnotically quick keyboard beats. Drops Feb 9.

The Game “RED Album” - Simply put phat beats and a marmalade slow flow – expect a few sweet spins about how The Game thinks he’s the man (‘Krazy’, one of the aforementioned slow flows with a spiny guitar back track).  Definitely worth picking up for those of you who like to nod along with uberconfident rap.  Drops  Feb 16.

David Byrne and Fatboy Slim “Here Lies Love” – David Byrne of The Talking Heads, and Fatboy Slim are, sad to say, old men.  It’s been eleven years since Fatboy Slim’s seminal album ‘You’ve Come a Long Way, Baby’  and 18 years since the break up of The Talking Heads.  They both have their own distinguishable sound, but should mesh well with eachother.  For me, this is the most intriguing album of the year until the new Gorillaz album drops March 3.   Give’ Here Lies Love’  a listen.  Drops Feb 23.

Bring Out Your Inner David Guetta

And you think Serato Scratch Live Made Vinyl Junkies Crazy?

DJay 3 by Algoriddim (www.djay-software.com) is going to make some “DJ Purists” heads explode.  The easy to learn and simple to use software allows users of any experience level to mix, scratch, and otherwise rock the decks like the best of the dance floor idols.  The Mac based software works directly out of your personal iTunes library.  Software features seamless music mixing, beat matching, a digital equalizer, and a nice palette of DJ special effects.

If you’re standing near an old school vinyl DJ move back a few feet before he reads this next part, or else you’re likely to get hit with some brain shrapnel.  The software also features “Automix”, a feature that allows you to build a playlist and let the application take care of the mixing while you fist pump and rock out on the dance floor.

I know.   Zapruder film.  Sorry about that.  I tried to warn you.  Either have him walk it off, or put a little Robitussin on the blast area.

“Anti-Dige-ites” aside, people of all skill sets are going to love DJay3.  It’s an inexpensive gateway drug to the addictive hobby of mixing music, and has real potential to expand the hobby to the mainstream and next generation.

DJay 3 is available at Apple stores nationwide, and from www.djay-software.com for $49.95.  A 15-day free trial is also available at the website.

How To Be a Duke, Or Just Look Like One

It's good to be the king.

Health Ledger did it, and knocked the crap out of Count Adhemar in the process.  Mel Gibson did it, although in the end he got his intestines ripped out and was thrown in jail for drunk driving and antisemitism.  Even real life characters like Sean Connery, Richard Branson Paul McCartney, Elton John and Mick Jagger have done it – They’ve all become Nobles!

So just imagine, you walk up to a hotel desk and they refer to you as Sir! (in the knighted sense), Earl! Baron! Duke! or even King!?  Awesome, just awesome.  Just imagine the chick shrapnel that flies everywhere when the desk attendant drops that “Duke bomb*.

It’s actually quite easy to gain a title these days, even if you can’t act, write rock hits, or start a world brand named after prudish women.  Simply pick from the suggestions below.

Say it Enough and People Will Believe Your BS

Puff Daddy, oh, excuse me –P. Diddy arbitrarily declared Ciroc the ‘Official Vodka of New Year’s Eve.  Michael Jackson starting using the moniker the “King of Pop”, and Madonna the “Queen of Pop” – (although it must be from another land because I’m pretty sure those two would never do each other), and Leonardo DiCaprio went so far as to shout, “I’m the King of the World!” (although that was in character so I’m not sure it actually stands).

Say it enough and people will start believing anything – even the craziest crap you can imagine.  In fact, The King of All Media, Howard Stern, garnered his majestic title in what started out in jest.  In light of everyone else throwing their faux royal weight around Howard decided that from now on he should be referred to as, “The King of All Media.” The media machine bought in, at first as a jab adding, “The Self Proclaimed . . .” but that eventually fell to the wayside and now only his royal kingliness and proof of theory remains!  So starting today, have all your boys introduce you as Sir, Duke, Arch Duke, Prince, or His Royal Majesty.  Oh and if you happen to be any shade of brown you might also try Sultan.  Thanks to Disney’s Alladdin Chicks between 20 and 32 fall for that one like a steamy pile.

Buy it

The Beatles  - who by the way were themselves knighted (of sorts – Look Here) in 1964 – sang, “Money Can’t Buy Me Love”, but what they left out was money COULD in fact buy you a royal title, which in turn is a form of currency that is redeemable for love – (if by love you mean sex).  So they should have more properly sang, “I don’t care too much for money, Money Can’t Directly Buy Me Love”

For $197 dollars you, (yes YOU), can be a Sir, Count, Duke, Baron or Lord at http://www.regaltitles.com.  Aside from explaining the differences in the various titles in a manner that might help you explain them, (in the very likely event that eventually that need arises), they even go as far to include testimonials about how their “New Royals” received a complete ass kissing by airlines, hotels and restaurants by adding their royal title to credit cards and photo IDs.  The best (read as funniest) news of all is that right now they’re having a special that allows you and a friend to each receive your noble title at $297 total (What a coincidence!)  Why not make you and your girl a Baron & Baroness for Valentine’s Day?  (If the price doesn’t convince you, maybe this will)

Just be aware of the fine print.  The site warns you just before checkout that “You understand that these Titles provided by Regal Titles are not to be mistaken for real Titles (bestowed by the State, or given to you personally by HM Queen Elizabeth II. Something we are trying to arrange, but she is somewhat reluctant to do this for $397!) or used for any fraudulent means.” – -Man if I only had half the sack of this dude, I could really go places!

Buy Land that Comes with a title . . .even a square inch!

By purchasing a “Prestigious UK location” you can acquire a title.  “Lord Andrew Bulpin of Copythorne and Dartmouth has for current acquisition land parcels the purchase of which includes the Titles of Lord and/or Lady” (If you read that with an English accent it seems even more prestigious).  In a unique twist, since “Prestigious Land” is involved, this is known as a “Seated Title.”  So what constitutes “prestigious”?  No idea.  I searched their site and couldn’t tell you, but I’m betting it’s a not so very prestigious at all square inch.  Never the less, it’s enough to get you named, and let’s face it, we weren’t setting out to build a summer home, the object was to get a title.

So for about $1,500 the land comes with the legal right to call yourself “Lord” (Baron, Duke or Sir), and if you have a wing girl, wife and / or girlfriend she will get the title of “Lady” at no extra charge.  In the case of the chicks I date, Lady is a stretch, but who knows maybe one will eventually stop smoking Newports and grow into the title (Get off me daddy, you’re crushing my cigarettes).

Now of course . . .alternatively, you could just marry well, but let’s face it.  That would require either mad looks, cash or game any one of which if I had, I wouldn’t need the title in the first place.  Life is so unfair.  What the hell does Prince Harry Have that I don’t?  A title. . . but not for long!

Got a question or comment?  Email “The King of All Information” at John@teamcoed.com

*In truth, no one really gives a damn, but hey, if you have nothing else going on, how can it hurt?

Coffee Pot Culinary School

Iron Chef My Balls. I'm a Guerilla Chef.

Schools hate anything that gets hot. Toaster ovens, grills griddles, but for some odd reason a coffee maker often slips in under their radar, and you’d be surprised how versatile a coffee maker can be in your culinary pursuits. I’ve cooked an entire days meals using just a coffee maker! Here’s how.

Breakfast . . . After “Bed”
Make oatmeal in the coffee maker by placing two packets of instant oatmeal into the pot. Run the water through the machine normally – about ten ounces if the recipe calls for the usual eight, and you’re five minutes away from breakfast. Sometimes however, I needed something a bit more special as a token for a night well “spent”. In these cases I would prepare what would come to be known as, “Special Attention Oatmeal”. Add an individual packet of sugar or some honey to the pot with an individual packet of fruit jam, and a pinch of salt. Place an herbal tea bag such as orange spice or lemon zest into the filter basket. Run the water through the coffee maker and into the mixture waiting in the pot. She’ll be back (In my case it’s mostly for the oatmeal, but I’ve no objections as long as the deed gets done.)

If adding some protein to your breakfast is in order, you can make hard boiled, or at least soft-boiled eggs in your coffee maker. Place the eggs carefully into the pot and let the hot water drip over them. You would think this doesn’t work but it does! Then let the eggs sit in the water for 3-4 minutes for soft boiled, and 7-8 for hard.

Lunch – “Sum Yum Gai” Noodles
Lunch? Ramen noodles is the hot nouveau Asian fusion dish and restaurants are charging upwards of $10 a bowl! Well at Café Hiroshi we have a Ramen “Ladies Lunch Special!” For a 19 cent per package reimbursement you get all the Ramen and Hiroshi you can eat (Both are Asian, delicious, and surprisingly quick!)

Get naked, put the noodles in the pot. Add just enough water to submerge the noodles in the coffee maker and turn that baby on (the coffee maker). Have sex. . .twice. The water will have run through the coffee maker in about two minutes, so you’ll have to wait about three more to let it really sink in. That’ll be in about three more minutes, so you can probably have sex two more times.
Drain carefully (the noodles! How much more do you want!) and add the seasoning slowly while stirring. Viola (pronounced “Wal-lah” . . .that’s always been so odd to me).

Won Hung Lo Chicken Dinner
Lemon pepper chicken with rosemary rice and steamed vegetables, go ahead laugh. I’m OK if it starts with a laugh just please let it end with a bang. Place cut broccoli, or asparagus in the filter basket of the coffee maker. Run water through the coffee maker several time to achieve desired tenderness. The softer the vegetable or the more al’dente the vegetable is served the easier the workload. Asparagus or broccoli is usually 2 runs through, 3 max. Remove, salt lightly and place in plastic bag or tupperware to keep warm.

For the rice, place instant rice in the coffee pot, and rosemary in the filter. Run the appropriate amount of water, per the instructions through the coffee maker and then add the rice to the coffee pot. Leave the burner on until the rice has thoroughly cooked and absorbed most of the water. Remove, and place in another plastic bag or tupperware to keep warm. You done laughing? No. . . ok.

Melt butter on a piece of tin foil using the coffee stand as a cook top. Once melted, remove and pour into cup. Put two or three thin slices of chicken breast in coffee maker (like one breast sliced evenly into three thin pieces. Add enough water to cover the chicken into the coffee maker. Turn on maker and cook about 15 minutes, allowing water to fully run through and boil the chicken. While the chicken cooks, mix lemon pepper seasoning with melted butter and 3-4 ounces of milk. Drain water and add milk, butter seasoning mix, allow to heat for about a minute.

A few candles, some soft music . . .

“Boost” Your Bar Money

My Iphone said she saw me testing a Motorola Debut, but I told her it wasn't me. Thanks Shaggy.

Looking for a value play on cellular service?  Check out the Boost Mobile Motorola Debut™ i856.  For a $150 down stroke and $50 bucks a month you can talk like a female champion gossip monger on “Guess Who Just Got Caught Cheating Day”.  You also get an MP3 Player, Camera, Video Camera, and unlimited web surfing and texting.

Pros – The weight, design and style of the phone is top notch.  I especially liked the sliding keypad that hides away safely so that you don’t erroneously call the - ahem - wrong person at the wrong time:

“I was with the guys!  I swear!”

“Really because they were moaning like my friend Kelly”

“Uh . . .how do you know how Kelly moans?”

The camera and video are as good as anything else out there “dollar for dollar”.  The MP3 player features a wireless stereo blue tooth, but at the same time it’s a bit of a bitch because you have to remove the phone back to load your music on a removable micro SD card – a bit archaic of a process by current phone standards, but not the real deal breaker.

Web surfing . . .eh . . .not so much.  You do get full data plan included in the unlimited plan, and the phone can surf, it’s just not a platform that’s conducive to much more than killing time and very simple searches.   I hadn’t typed the word “Facebook” yet, and my friend had already logged on, updated his status and logged off.  Three minutes later I found, “Man that took you Waaaaaaay too long!” on his wall.  Never – ever – give a wiseass an iphone.

Surfing aside, the Boost Mobile Motorola Debut™ i856 makes it almost possible to not be jealous of your friend’s iphone for 29 days a month.   However, on that 30^th day, you’re definitely not jealous – He is!  Boost’s most attractive feature is the $50 bill vs. the iphone’s $200 nut for the same “Unlimited” service.

For more information about Boost Mobile “Pay as You Go” cellular plans visit www.boostmobile.com/

Saturday Afternoon Fever at Bagatelle

Bistro Bagatelle

409 W. 13th St. (Washington St.)

Located in the NYC Meatpacking District

13th, between 9th Ave and Washington

New York, NY 10014

212-675-2400

Just because the secrets out on New York City’s biggest afternoon party – Bistro Bagatelle – doesn’t mean you’ll be able to get in.  The Saturday afternoon brunch broadcast live on Sirius Radio BPM (Channel 36) is booked over four months in advance, and on some Saturdays there are over 70 tables on the waiting list beyond capacity!

Bagatelle attracts a loyal twenty-five to forty-something sophisticated house & groove crowd, and they come to party.  Expect to see people dressed their best, enjoying edibles from Bagatelle’s delicious and surprising reasonably priced Brunch menu until 3:00 PM at which time standing on tables and chairs while guzzling champagne straight from the bottle becomes the norm (at 3:00 in the afternoon!)  The music gets louder!  Waiters, managers, hosts and hostesses (all of whom know your name within the first hour of your visit) join the party! Within moments you understand why there are 100 people outside clamoring to get in – Bagatelle becomes magical.  An experience akin to being at a private party, in your best friends restaurant, with 150 of your closest friends.

However, if you expect to break this velvet rope without waiting until mid 2010, we recommend you get there early, keep your group small (2-4), and dress to impress.  Bringing a girl, whether a “Wing Girl” or a date is also a great idea (Remember: in general proper ratios are always your friend when entering hotspots).  There are two seatings (Noon and 3:00), revelers from the early seating won’t be asked to leave the party, but will be politely reminded of the 2nd seating, and invited to the bar.  Two bottles will probably hold your real estate for the full day – it did for us – but there was a snowstorm outside, so no promises.

Carrie Underwood Bikini and Courtney Cox Cougar Shots

8 Horribly Misguided “Futuristic” Video Game Controllers. X-Box Project Natal has nothing to worry about from this crew!

Carrie Underwood Bikini Pictures

Courtney Cox is STILL insanely hot.  Behind the scenes secret snapshots of the cougar on the set of CougarTown.

The Simpson’s Goodfellas. The Simpson’s cast reenact the bar scene from Goodfellas – “Henry he bought his effin button that fake old tough guy!”

Ready for this year’s insane money drop by Superbowl advertiser’s?  Why spend the money of something important when you can give it to the Networks.  Here The Superfriend’s  a Budweiser Superbowl Classic Ad.

Hot Links for January 23, 2010

The Complete intro of the Classic CHALLANGE OF THE SUPERFRIENDS with the Southpark Kids as the Heroes and Villains.

The LITTLE Jersey Shore: Jersey Shore re-enacted with Little Kids! This is so God Damn funny.

Saturday Morning Cartoons: Remember this Classic? Love SouthPark?  Love the “Old Skool” Saturday morning Challenge of the Superfriends Cartoon?  Check out the Southpark kids as the Legion of Doom and the Justice League!

Insanely hot girl with bouffant hair

COLTS vs. JETS: 10 Key Questions!

Bring this with you everywhere – Application For Girlfriend