Don’t Yell at Your TV – You May Get Arrested

Guy gets a criminal record for yelling obscene remarks at his television. (The Sun)

Custom officers find a bunch of ecstasy stuffed inside a Mr. Potato Head. (AFP)

The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire! We don’t need no water let the motherf***er burn! Burn motherf***er, burn! (Boston Globe)

Actual headline: “Leapfrogging Mayor Bruises Tomato.” (BBC News)

Grandpa’s got major karate skills. (10 TV)

Video Trifecta: South Park

South Park will be airing all-new episodes this month starting tonight. The latest episode of the show has Cartman coping with Tourette’s Syndrome in the most unsavory way.

From the official South Park website:

“Eric Cartman will say despicable things on national television. It’s all a part of Cartman’s master plan in an all-new episode of “South Park.” Continuing in its 11th season and fresh off of an Emmy win for Best Animated Program, “South Park” returns with seven all-new episodes beginning on Wednesday, October 3 at 10:00 p.m. on COMEDY CENTRAL. As a bonus, fans will be able to download the uncensored version of each new episode from the 11th season on iTunes, xBox, Amazon Unbox, walmart.com and bittorrent.com.

In the premiere episode, Cartman discovers the joys of having Tourette’s syndrome. Drunk with the power of saying whatever he wants without getting in trouble for it, Cartman lines up national TV coverage to take advantage of his new life with no filters.”

To honor this most festive of occasions we present you, fair reader, with some of the most memorable clips from the most recent seasons of South Park.

Watch the South Park clips after the jump. Read more

The Daily Shocker: Classy Strip Joints

Rachel’s Gentleman’s Club in Florida gives away complimentary flu-shots and free lunch to the elderly. No word on worthwhile benefits for pervy middle-age guys, though. (WESH)

I won’t even attempt to divulge any thoughts on this real-life space opera. (Pravda)

Woman murders her boyfriend when she found his porn stash. Let this be a lesson: it’s time to find a new secret compartment in your house, fellas. (Chicago Tribune)

Post A Phone: the only landline phone flatter than your kid sister. (College Candy)

Guy confesses to the Senior prank he pulled in High School – 50 years later. (Palo Alto News)

Sarah Silverman’s Thoughts

Sarah Silverman redefines the term “outspoken.”

While the katana-tongued comedienne has as many haters as she does lovers, one thing is for certain: she will make you feel uncomfortable, guaranteed.

Whether that’s a plus or minus is up for debate.

With that said, what could be more entertaining than hearing Silverman rant about sex, race, kids, and religion in convenient, bite-size clips? Not much, I suppose.

Check out Sarah Silverman’s “Me Moments,” and tune in to Comedy Central tonight at 10:30 EST to see a brand-new episode of The Sarah Silverman Program.

Virgin Cream = Virgin Scheme?

I’m down for poonany preservation, but this is something else.

Virgin Cream, a $60 cream that acts as a vajajay time-machine of sorts that (supposedly) tightens up a woman’s womanhood back to its more “youthful” days. The website boasts claims such as this:

If You Would Like To:

Be a woman that nearly all men… just can’t resist, this is going to be the most important message you will ever read.

Here Is Why:

Let’s face it… almost any woman can get a man to have sex with her. You don’t have to be pretty. You don’t have to be sexy. You don’t have to have a great body. Basically, you just have to be a woman who will say “yes” and thousands of men will have sex with you…

Once!

But, what if you want that same man to call you for another date? Well, that might NOT be so easy. But, what if there was a way to make sure… almost every man… wanted to go out with you again? Better yet, what if there was a way to make having sex with you… so fantastic… the man you are interested in… couldn’t even think about another woman? What if there was a way to make having sex with you… so good… a man would do anything… even marry you… to keep you in his bed?

Whoa! Talk about demoralizing! I love it. Read more

Is Hot Tub Sex Bad For You?

The hot tub: thought by many to be the ultimate in places to have sex. It’s comfortable, relaxing, heated – it’s the aquatic equivalent of a vagina! So why should you not have sex in one?

According to studies by a (virgin) urologist, hot tub humping may not be very safe.

The old rumor of man becoming infertile after too many trips to the tub has been proven correct – but how long must you stay in the water? A week? If your testicles have been heated up to a rolling boil, yes – you should probably get out of the hot tub.

It’s also common knowledge that yes, you can get a girl pregnant in a hot tub. Wear a condom, Aquaman, and all of your troubles will be gone.

In other words, don’t let anybody – scientists, urologists, virgins, moms – deprive you of performing the ultimate. As a man it’s your god-given right to experience hot tub sex. Read more

Rockies Edge Out Padres for the NL Wild Card

After 13 innings, the Colorado Rockies take the NL Wild Card from the San Diego Padres. (Yahoo)

Schools the world over ban hugs between students. See? I was right in 7th grade – hugs do get you pregnant! (My Way)

Britney Spears, fresh off losing custody of her kids, shows up at the Peninsula Hotel in Beverly Hills, spending her cash and flashing her ass. I can’t believe I’m starting to like – nay, love – K-Fed. (TMZ)

I can’t possibly expand on this: “Sex in Car: Hooker Mom Snorts Cocaine Off Baby’s Stomach While Breastfeeding.” (Breitbart)

Hillary Clinton’s laugh (dubbed the “Clinton Cackle”) is no laughing matter. (Wonkette)

Garry Kasparov: world chess champion, Russian and…presidential candidate in Russia? (CBS)

The Daily Shocker: Players Gonna Play, Ballers Gonna Ball

Ladies be warned: you can’t change a player’s game in the 9th inning. (NY Post)

When violators of driving laws are stopped, Illinois will take their toll. (Chicago Sun-Times)

A Headmaster in the U.K. school system says children should have “a daily dose of fear.” When reached for comment, Severus Snape didn’t return calls immediately. (DailyMail)

Women directors help raise bottom line in businesses, among other things… (Reuters)

“Happy Birthday, mom!” “Thank you very much, my two 30-something sons with outstanding moral fiber! Now cut the cake…I said THE CAKE!!” (Sun-Times)

Blade Runner: The Final Cut

If George Lucas and Steven Spielberg can update and tweak their past masterworks (to varying degrees), it’s fair to give outspoken director Ridley Scott a shot.

Revisiting his masterpiece, Blade Runner, for the third time in 25 years Scott is planning to achieve what Lucas and Spielberg couldn’t quite do: to rip the flick apart and ditch any fluff for his original vision. Jar-Jar Binks and friends this is not.

Dropping the brick-over-head voice over of android annihilator Rick Deckard (Harrison Ford) and completely changing the pseudo-sappy ending Blade Runner will take on its new (and hopefully final) life in New York and Los Angeles theaters this week with a special-edition DVD release to follow.

Check out the trailer after the jump. Read more

Radiohead’s New Album to be Released in 10 Days…For Free!

When news about Radiohead’s new album went cold for a few months, people expected a big announcement from the camp – but nothing like this.

In typical Radiohead fashion, a cryptic message was found on their website last night:

“Hello everyone.

Well, the new album is finished, and it’s coming out in 10 days;

We’ve called it In Rainbows.

Love from us all.”

- Jonny

Yes, you read that correctly: 10 days. As in next Wednesday, October 10.

Not only does Radiohead’s latest come out much sooner than expected but the album’s price is worth mentioning. The digital download of In Rainbows will cost…whatever you want it to cost!

Radiohead has decided to act like a museum, having you donate a small fee towards the download instead of being charged a set amount. That means you can own one of the greatest bands of the past two decades’ new album for the price of a small coffee – not a bad deal. Read more

SNL Digital Short: Iran So Far

Andy Samberg and Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad together at last, in this SNL Digital Short with Adam Levine (Maroon 5).

Friday Night Catfight: Rub-a-Dub

The Daily Shocker: Attic Cash Stash

Man finds $100K in attic, ends up fighting cops, widow, demon inside him that says “f*** it all, move to Fiji and marry a hot Sweden chick.” (Sun Sentinel)

Damn! Teachers really are horny these days – do any of them have the decency to keep their cream-colored pantsuits from TJ Maxx on? (MSN News)

Baby’s first sleepover: a day care in Canada, like, totally forgot that a 3-year-old was inside, so they locked her in overnight. (Edmonton Sun)

When the Big Cheese teaches the Little Cheese, it’s turns out rotten. (Gawker)

“11 Things to Do When You’re in Traffic Gridlock” (SF Gate)

Jones Soda presents: Dirt and Sweat Soda. Seriously. (BusinessWeek)

The Hollywood Remake Epidemic Strikes Again with The Karate Kid

It was bound to happen: Hollywood hacks may be taking The Karate Kid, one of the most beloved movies of all time, hostage. Gagged and bound.

This news isn’t as shocking as one would expect, seeing that approximately 3 out of 4 movies in theaters are either remakes or adapted screenplays from best-selling books. Has that little attribute called “creativity” been done away with completely or is Hollywood just f***ing lazy?

Beats me. All I know is that Will Smith’s son, Jaden Smith (Pursuit of Happyness) is slated to play Daniel-San. C’mon! I’m sure the original crane-kicker Ralph Macchio needs the work. Pat Morita (R.I.P.) would be pissed.

The remake epidemic is still running strong, and will continue to do so as long as boneheaded moviegoers shell out $10 (or more) to see a poor rendition of a flick they hold on a pedestal out of pure nostalgia. Let the memories be exactly that – memories. Read more