The 10 Best (And Worst) Internet Memes

Set aside the whole “connecting the world” and “putting limitless information at your fingertips” BS. The most amazing power of the internet, by far, is its unrivaled ability to take the obscure and geeky and turn it into a cool, worldwide hit. Before the internet, nerds and their inside jokes toiled in obscurity, around Dungeons and Dragons boards and assaulted lunch tables around the world. Sometime in the early 90′s, they had a set of huge secret conferences and decided to invent a way of force feeding the world their dorky obsessions until we accepted them. Now that nerds  run the entire freaking Internet, we’re inundated with this stuff, from video game talk to pranks to talking cats (that are nonetheless colloquially challenged). There’s a whole heap of popular internet-born social phenomenon; some are great, some not so much. Here’s a quick guide.

The Five Worst Internet Memes

1. LOLCats: At first, this was kinda funny; taking awkward pictures of cats and captioning them with angry yet cute block writing was a fun past time, and a good way to spam a message board. But now, it’s insufferable, with sites (led by icanhazcheezburger) popping up left and write and amateur, unfunny writers filling said sites with awful, even heartfelt captions. Even worse, people are starting to talk like these asshole cats in real life, like they’re big, obnoxious babies or something. I iz uhnoid bah ur stoopid catz.

2. Two Girls One Cup Reaction Videos: Man up, America. Are you really that disgusted by two girls fisting each other and eating their crap?  First of all, two girls going at it is the heart and soul of internet porn. It’s the thought that continues to launch boners and jerkoff sessions worldwide. So, really, it’s the crap that’s the problem? Sure, if it’s real crap, it’s something most of us probably wouldn’t participate in, but you’re not participating, or even watching live. Get off your high horse and enjoy the hilariousness of it — stop playing to your own webcam, it that makes you even worse than the shit eaters. At least they’re willing to work hard for their infamy.

3. Gingers Do Have Souls: This is actually unbelievably sad. It’s no joke in the United Kingdom, where religious and ethnic tension between the English and Irish have led to discrimination, violence and bloodshed; many less tolerant English are truly hateful of redheads, calling them Gingers with the same hatred many in our country attach to the names they call people of different skin colors. For whatever reason, this caught on in America, but without the long history of hatred to “justify” it. Really, it’s just a bunch of dickhead kids and bored people on the internet making fun of helpless redhead kids. The kid in this video is scared and alone, and he’s pleading for the mindless torture to end. Yet you continue to laugh, like ignorant bullies.

4. JK Wedding Dance Entrance: So, a bunch of bored 20-somethings choreographed an entrance dance to their friends’ wedding, to break up the monotony of probably what was the 20th wedding they had attended in the past few years. Pretty funny and impressive, I suppose, but now everyone wants to do it, making it no less droll and depressing than poorly written vows and “All You Need Is Love” bastardized by a local organist. Almost vomited when the crew of The Office did it during Jim and Pam’s wedding — is that the best a major network TV show can do? Aping an internet meme for its biggest episode of the season?

5. Leave Britney Alone Guy: For a guy who wants someone left alone, he sure is making a big, obnoxious, goddamn fuss. Almost as stupid as Britney herself, this is all the attention he’ll get.

The Five Best Internet Memes

1. Rick Rolling: There are so many levels of awesome to this, but I’m up to the challenge. After all, I’m never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna turn around and desert you. A ridiculously cheesy 80′s pop song with an equally unintentionally hilarious music video, “Never Gonna Give You Up” was one of those hits that make you wonder what drugs people were doing in 1987 (cocaine. They were doing cocaine). Rick Astley is this small, British guy with an oddly deep voice, singing and kinda dancing in this true period piece. It fell off the charts and from social consciousness for about 20 years, when meme gods at 4chan revived the video as a prank, sending out the hyperlink to the video in place of a promised relevant and breaking news YouTube video.

It caught on like wildfire (ironically and much more explainable than the original reason in the 80s), and absolutely took off: Rickrollers spoiled a Scientology conference by blasting the song, political pundits rick rolled people nationwide by sending the video instead of falsely promised video of Michelle Obama making racial slurs (a video that did not exist), and one editor even mashed up President Obama speeches into him singing the song.

The next level came when Astley himself performed the song on the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, effectively Rickrolling the entire world. The video is hilarious, the prank is hilarious, and Astley is in on it. A truly perfect meme.

2. David After Dentist: Without a doubt, one of the funniest things a parent can do is drug up their kid and then video tape it. Unfortunately, the buzzkills in suits have outlawed that, but the dentist provides a perfect loophole and excuse. When you’ve got a deep thinking kid asking philosophical questions like, “is this real life?” and worrying about the rapidly disappearing nature of his hands, well, you’ve struck gold.

3. Fail: If there’s one thing we can agree on, it’s that it’s fun and uplifting to make fun of people at their most vulnerable. Finding pictures of people getting hurt, messing up, or otherwise screwing up big time, pointing out the embarrassment and then labeling it with the word “fail”? Well, there are few greater pleasures.

4. Keyboard Cat: This started nearly three decades ago, when some unemployed schlub with a cat decided to film said kitten as he manipulated its paws to look like it was playing keyboard. This is the type of thing that marks someone as psychotic in the 70′s, but a goddamn genius today. Now, using Keyboard Cat to play off big fails makes the obnoxious sublime.

5. Chuck Norris: Chuck Norris needs no explanation. While he’s actually a psychotic conservative, the jokes are worthwhile. If only we could have assigned them to someone better, like Sinbad.

4 Political Issues Guys Need To Understand

Politics: it’s been called Hollywood for ugly people. And boring people, we might add. So why bother, when there is a real Hollywood, filled with beautiful people and awesome plot lines. Megan Fox is way awesomer than Mitch McConnell, for real. Unfortunately, there’s a lot that goes on in Washington that actually impacts you. So, there’s some stuff to keep track of. It can all get pretty confusing, so here’s a cheat sheet of all the things you need to know and care about as a dude in America.

The Wars: You wouldn’t necessarily know it from the news coverage, but we’re still stuck in the middle of two massive wars in the Middle East. Whether you agree with whether we should be fighting them or not, the truth is, it’s generally dudes our age stuck getting shot at. That means you’ve probably got a friend, family member or at least acquaintance overseas, fighting these wars. And hey, with a bad economy, there’s a chance you could end up enlisting, too.

There’s a lot of political turmoil in Iraq right now (what else is new), but it at least looks like this one is winding down. President Obama will soon announce that many troops are coming home (let’s give ‘em a hero’s welcome), but at least 50,000 will be stationed in that crazy desert til mid-2011. And while the President is refusing to budge on that, a bunch of war hawks want him to keep them there longer.

And even if those troops do get to leave Iraq, the problem is, they just get sent right over to Afghanistan… and well, who knows what’s going on over there. Our troops are trying to cut deals with shady ass politicians and chasing religious warriors with guns through the mountains. But we’re not doing too hot a job rebuilding there, either (question: can you rebuild something that wasn’t there?), and the President announced last year that even more troops are going in. Doesn’t look too promising right now, but at least women have some freedoms.

The Economy: Want a job after college? How’s housekeeping for your parents sound? Free room and board!

After the greedy vampire squids sucked the life out of our factories and then stock markets for 15 years, things finally went bad in 2008, starting the biggest recession since the Great Depression. It even had a cliche name: The Great Recession. Great my ass.

President Obama has worked hard to get this thing up off the ground, though he’s being a sissy with bankers right now. In any case, he passed the stimulus and some money is pumping in. Jobs are returning, so there’s a chance that maybe, if you know the right people or are willing to do some ungodly acts, you can get a job when you graduate. Still, Republicans are trying to block any spending, because they just don’t like poor people; unfortunately, everyone is poor right now. It’s a big battle to spend more and reign in some of the banking practices that screwed us all over, so pay attention: this is your future livelihood at stake.

And remember: recovery is tentative, so think hard when anyone promises you anything in exchange for some of those ungodly favors.

Healthcare: After a full year of fighting and ridiculous lies about killing grandma, healthcare reform finally passed. It’s not like Europe or Canada, where everyone gets it for free, but about 30 million more people will get covered… even if it costs them out the ass. Progress!

How does this impact you? Well, see: the economy. Most people get insurance from their jobs, and when they can’t get a job, they’re screwed. Luckily, the new law lets people stay on their parents’ insurance til they’re 26, so not only can you live in their basement, you live on their insurance, too. And insurance companies can’t discriminate against pre-existing conditions, which means your destroyed liver is a-okay and ready to insure for the eventual transplant.

Immigration: Sure, you’re an American citizen (well, probably), so how does this impact you?

Well, Mr. Jingo, Arizona just passed a law that says they can demand to see the legal identification of anyone that looks suspicious of being an illegal immigrant. So, basically, if you aren’t pale, white, and blonde, they’ll demand to see your papers. And if they don’t like them, they’ll throw you in jail. Sound familiar?

We throw around the label Nazi far too much these days, but this is the real deal. Go to Arizona while brown, or black, or even tanned from the fucking Arizona sun, and there’s a chance you’ll be stopped and searched.

Not scary enough for you? Well how about this: it could really mess with your weed supply. Yeah, we knew that would do it.

Father’s Day Gifts For Every Type Of Dad

It snuck up on you again, hasn’t it? Like a bolt out of the calendar blue, we close in on another Father’s Day, the completely fabricated consumer holiday that only causes trouble. There’s no real reason for it — the father-son relationship is supposed to work the other way around — but thanks to Hallmark’s monopoly on our calendars and hearts, here it comes.

While you’ve probably grown accustomed to buying ties, tie racks and baseball books about people like Ty Cobb, it’s probably time to mix things up and get dad something he really wants. But that depends on what your dad is like. Frustrated already? No worries — just use our easy guide.

Aging Hippie Dad: More than likely, if your dad is still living in the 60′s, he’s all about the environment. And if that’s the case, well, he’s definitely all hot and bothered over the oil spill down in the Gulf Coast. So why not support his beliefs? That’ll totally make him feel warm and fuzzy (aww, he made you a good person!). Now, unless you can afford to buy him a hybrid or electric car to keep him from consuming all that dirty oil (and if you can, avoid the Prius, since they don’t have breaks), you’re gonna have to be economical. How about the hilarious satirical shirts from the bitingly funny Twitter feed @BPGlobalPR. The shirts are cool looking, and all the cash goes to Gulf Coast relief. Win-win.

Wall Street Mogul Dad: Doesn’t look like the economy is getting much better; this month’s jobs report was weak, and the market tanked again. All that up and down takes a toll on a guy. You know what helps the nerves? Being numb. If business man dad gets blindingly drunk, he can’t feel the shock of the market’s ups and downs. Help keep your dad sane with a big, cheap bottle of vodka that he can hide under his desk and swig when times get tough.

Sports Fan Dad: There’s nothing more American than going to a ball game with pops (especially if you’re eating apple pie and shooting terrorists at the game), but between tickets, hot dogs, beer and beer, you’re looking at a month of your internship’s stipend. Plus, your dad probably keeps a scorecard, and that’s just embarrassing. More than likely, he just wishes he was a ballplayer, but until now, that dream is long past. Well, it’ll be long passed (ya can’t turn back time or make him lose his gut), but you can at least help him pretend with customized baseball cards. Stick his face on a whole set, and for a low price, he can pretend he’s lived a worthwhile life. Check out  for all your fake sports cards needs.

Tech Geek Dad: If you’ve got the cash to buy him an iPad, don’t even bother buying it yourself; just PayPal me the money and I’ll take care of it. Otherwise, it’s all about creating the illusion that dad can faithfully follow his sworn leader, Steve Jobs. Hook ‘em up with an iPad case so that he can tote it around, tricking people into thinking he has that trendy little tablet.

Fisherman Dad: For some reason, people are obsessed with fishing. On one level, it makes sense: you get to sit and do nothing but drink beer all day. But that’s also a feature of unemployment, and when you do it that way, you don’t have to dress up like a dick or splash the cash for a boat. Clearly, your dad will never love you, because you’d rather sit inside and read blogs than sit on the boat he named for the woman he really loved (not your mother) and chase guppies. But you still gotta get him a gift, so why not support his habit in an emotionally manipulative way? Dig up some worms from a local park, or your garden even, and give ‘em to your dad in a bag. Make up something about how the best bait is natural. He’ll think you’re showing interest in his dumb hobby, and it’ll be smooth sailing (not literally, though, because his boat is named after some broad other than your mom).

What Your Favorite Band Says About You

Summer has officially arrived, and while we could do without its muggy weather and grueling office work (you ain’t a kid at summer camp no more), the upshot is the major concert season has arrived. Rock on. If you’re willing to have your dignity sucked away by Ticketmaster, one Orwellian ticket “convenience charge” at a time, there are a ton of tours, festivals and events that you can hit up all summer long. But who to see? That all depends on your tastes, which all depends on your taste. Music is an incredibly personal relationship, but that doesn’t mean we can’t judge you for your love. Here’s who you are, based on the tunes you love.

Dave Matthews Band

Hey, which frat are you rushing? Wasn’t high school awesome? What lacrosse position did you play? Middle? Nice. You know what’s really mega? Hangin’ out, tailgating and drinking Natty Ice with our bros before Dave shred it on stage. God, we were so cool. If you love DMB, you were the coolest… in high school. Which is cool, because you’re still dating high school girls, because you’re by far the most awesome dude at the high school parties you go to whenever you’re home. Who needs musical progress, or discernible lyrics? You were at the top back then, so as long as you keep things exactly the same, it’s totally cool, bro.

Animal Collective

All that water pooling up on the fins of your koi fish inner arm tattoo isn’t super realistic embellishment; it’s sweat that’s beaded up because your pants are so skinny that you’re overheating like the uncookable vegan hot pocket you eat every day for lunch at your graphic design firm job. Of all the hipster bands (and, please, save the protests over that word), Animal Collective is the most devoid of rhythm, melody, normal pitched voice or any type of song structure; listening to their albums is more an accomplishment in durability than musical enjoyment. But the good news? You probably run a pretty good blog, and still listen to Pavement.

Phish

They’re, like, this generation’s Grateful Dead, except that instead of following your free-loving, social-crusading, statement-making heroes on the road in an honest attempt to throw off the oppressive yoke of an ever increasingly hateful and consumer-driven society, you sit in your class room at the business school all day, listening to Trey shred while you crunch mortgage numbers completely stone cold sober. But at least you’re always willing to pass around whatever grass you’ve got, no small consideration.

Weezer

Important question: Blue Album and Pinkerton Weezer, or post-reunion, Make Believe and red Album Weezer? It’s a vital inquiry, because it’s the difference between being a nostalgic mid-90′s hip geek, and an innocent kid sucking down power pop so polished it’s had the meaning buffed right out. It sounds elitist, but Weezer hit their prime 15 years ago, and loving them for that music shows you’ve got a good grasp on history and a real appreciation for dungeons and dragons and self loathing. Loving the recent stuff? It’s okay — you’re young. You probably have a funny twitter feed, though!

Vampire Weekend

First off, you’re definitely under the age of 28, because if you had any real memory of Paul Simon’s 1985 album “Graceland”, you’d realize that Simon 25-years ago did what this crew of Columbia white Afro-rockers are claiming credit for inventing now. That said, young music fan, you’re willing to turn the slacker, art-tattoo ethos of indie rock’s most recent vintage on its ear, injecting a little Upper West Side clean cut yuppie intellectuality, making you a real breath of fresh air. Don’t take yourself too seriously, though, because it’s a slippery slope to the valley of unironic irony (or something).

Green Day

When you were  listening to this suburban rebel band 16 years ago, you were the elementary school badass, getting the first detention in your third grade class. Now, an ubiquitous graduation/TV series finale song, Grammy acclaim and Broadway show later, you’re either holding onto those memories of thumbtacking teacher’s chair, or you are just completely uninterested in music. To be fair, American Idiot was a pretty epic accomplishment, so you’re probably the coolest person that listens to the local Top 40 station and downloads music based on the iTunes hot chart.

Nickelback

You know what? You deserve some praise. Nickelback jokes are the Jay Leno of music criticism, easy potshots that everyone can get (even if they stopped being funny years ago). At this point, I’d almost rather say I like Nickelback than make fun of them (only almost though, because they really do suck). If you’re willing to admit you like Nickelback, though, good on you, you truck driver cut off from society or 16-year old kid from Alabama.

Liked this? Check out these:
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10 Funniest People To Follow On Twitter

Twitter has become a fantastic spot for writers and comedians, especially aspiring ones with a lot of time on their hands (ahem) to pound out their funny thoughts, 140 characters at a time. And a great source of entertainment when everything is boring and awkward and you do the classic phone check. Here are ten great Twitter accounts that’ll keep you laughing without enabling B-level reality stars.

1. @RobHuebel — The sick and twisted musings of sketch comedy genius Rob Huebel. You know him from the MTV series Human Giant (umm, right?), but he’s had his fingerprints on pretty much everything you love, from The Daily Show to Conan O’Brien (no, he didn’t literally touch Conan, we don’t think), and was a panelist on VH1′s Best Week Ever. Reading his tweets, you’d think he was a sociopath with the sexual tendencies that used to get people put in jail (and still might).

Classic Tweet: “Spotted: homeless guy reading Cosmo Mag’s 99 Sex Tips. If that doesn’t fucking inspire you, you should just kill yourself now.”

2. @BlueAndyRooney — Ever watch the show “Sixty Minutes”? You know, the one with the ticking timer that comes on after football on Sunday evenings? No? Well, there’s this old newscaster named Andy Rooney, and now that he can barely move, he just sits at his desk in his home office and gives special comments on things. He’s ancient, carmudgeonly, and kind of hilarious. In that spirit, here is a fake Twitter feed inspired by the geezer-caster, stuff he might say drunk and constipated while off the air. Some are directly inspired by the actual show or real life events, but that only adds to the comedy.

Classic Tweet: “I see that Dick Cheney is hospitalized again with chest pains.Take a shit once in a while Dick, it stacks up pretty fast.”

3. @TheSulk — If you’re a dude in comedy, there are very few ladies that can match the insanity in your brain. Sarah Silverman is one of them. Alec Sulkin is dating her. He’s a well known writer for Family Guy and the Cleveland Show, so we can only imagine the sheer number of poop jokes that fly in that bedroom (also, the literal poop that flies). As funny as his shows and girlfriend are, though, perhaps funniest is his Twitter feed. He hates everyone, but that’s okay, because that includes himself.

Classic Tweet: “Whenever I eat smoked salmon it’s like I fingered a high school girl who plays field hockey.”

4. @RandazzoJ— Isn’t it depressing how the fake news newspaper “The Onion” generally reflects the sad state and pitiful ruins of our everyday, 9-5 suburban toil lives better than our actual news media? And how it so often predicts, years ahead of time, the ridiculous things that end up going down in this world? Yeah, it’s horrible, but also hilarious and impressive. That wouldn’t happen, though, without Joe Randazzo, the editor-in-chief of the satirical weekly. This is his personal account, filled with musings about minutiae, society and fatherhood (don’t worry, that last part still isn’t boring).

Classic Tweet: “Holy cow that was some turbulence! Literally got that roller coaster WHOA-WHEE feeling in my penis & testicles. So did the lady next to me.”

5. @Sportsguy33 — The account of ESPN’s beloved fan/columnist Bill Simmons, he takes live blogging to new levels, with his live tweeting of games and other sporting events. And it’s all hilarious. Usually, it’s annoying to hear about someone’s fantasy team, but start following The Sports Guy, and you’ll somehow care about his League of Dorks AL-only keeper team. And there’s the chance that he may even respond or retweet you, if you insult the Yankees/make an astute 1980′s reference.

Classic Tweet: “CC Sabathia wants you to know that the camera adds 15 pounds. So he’s just really really fat, not really really REALLY fat.”

6. @Serfinowicz — If you’re here in the United States, you may not have heard of this British comedian. And that’s a shame. Peter Serafinowicz, creator of the (ahem), Peter Serafinowicz Show across the pond, tweets musings like the British people used to conquer and colonize foreign lands. Which is pretty often. Wordplay and wit, along with pop culture and potty humor, makes these oft tweets a treat. Which is true, because it rhymes.

Classic Tweet: “If I was Bill Gates I’d log in to Amazon and say ‘I’ll take everything.’”

7. @elibraden — He’s the lead singer of the metal band Pistol Opera, but thank god El Braden doesn’t tweet about that lame shit. Instead, he’s a serial twitterer, poking fun at pop culture and somehow making breakfast a fucking hilarious topic (see the classic tweet). He also pointedly retweets people like Justin Bieber and Tyler Perry, which is a service in itself.

Classic Tweet: “BREAKFAST TIP: A cup of pasteurized cow’s milk really brings that dry cereal to life!”

8. @CommonSquirrel — This is exactly what it looks like. It is the imagined twitter feed of a squirrel. Follow it, pull it up on your iPhone, and crack up. Every. Single. Time.

Classic Tweet: “hop hop hop.”

9. @StephenAtHome — Love satirical conservative/dumbass/genius Stephen Colbert on TV? You’ll love him on Twitter, because that’s where all his jokes and one-liners that didn’t make the show end up. Peppered throughout the day, especially late at night as a reminder to watch, Colbert dispenses his “conservative” wisdom to keep you laughing, instead of crying, at the state of America.

Classic Tweet: “That brandy thief may have a time machine, but I bet he doesn’t know enough about Twitter to change my that brandy thief is a dashing rogue!”

10. @JordanZakarin: An emerging humor writer, he’s a deceptively handsome, insightful, witty and promising young man. His tweets penetrate the very core of comedy, and may leave you unable to finish your day’s tasks, with alternating thoughts of enlightenment and uncontrollable fits of laughter shaking your very being.

Classic Tweet: “I hope no one noticed that I stuck myself at the end of this twitter article. I need friends and followers bad!”

How to Pull Off The Ultimate Dude Wedding

Wait for it, wait for it. Hear that? Off in the distance? That’s time ticking, and church bells ringing. Every second, they grow louder and louder. The sound of marriage. For some of your friends, the tick and chime is deafeningly close. For a rare few, they’ve been eclipsed by its sweet sound, left in its flower, pastel and Electric Slide wake. No denying it; it’s coming. Marriage time.

Depending on if you’ve snagged a girl that will put up with you; your regional traditions; and, perhaps, whether you’ve given up midday video games in exchange for a mind-numbing job, there’s a pretty decent chance that you’re on the path to marriage, if not even already engaged. That means a whole new reality, of invitations and place settings, caterers and party halls, registries and wedding dresses.

Many guys meekly give in to the inevitable, letting the lady do as she wishes. Sure, gotta give them credit, they often do beautiful jobs. But they rarely reflect the guy. No more. Here’s a guide to the ultimate Dude wedding, to help make this ridiculous experience just a little bit awesome.

1. Pick a venue: It all starts with the venue. Most weddings are held at religious centers, and then perhaps a reception at a wedding or catering hall. People remember the venue for, oh, a few weeks, until they go to their next wedding, at the same boring type of place. Not your wedding, not when you have the reception on a submarine. Book a submarine, tell guests to meet at the dock, and load in. Just imagine getting married (in a non-religious ceremony officiated by Tito Jackson) amongst the dolphins and squid. And if the submarine sinks? Well, life’s not gonna get any better than this day, anyway.

2. Choose an invitation: Once you’ve selected the venue, next come the invitations. Don’t give in to the multi-layered cardstock with frilly calligraphy. Facebook invites would be cheap, but not very classy (and besides, people would probably delete it thinking it was a mass invite to your stupid college radio show). If Harry Potter-style owls aren’t available, go with the next best thing: singing telegrams. Now that’s old school classic, and festive!

3. Decide on a dress code: But what will the people who RSVP “yes” wear? Suits are a pain (though you’ll be wearing a tux with tails, the most baller outfit you can get, just ask old school Mickey Mouse and most Englishmen), and dresses are expensive, so give people an option: black tie OR wet suit. If they’re willing to wear a wet suit, you gotta tip your cap and let them.

4. Come up with a menu: Often times, the wedding couple doesn’t get to eat much of the food at the wedding, because they’re so busy greeting people. That’s bull. Most of the people at your wedding, you won’t even know or like, so sit down at dig in. But what to eat? Don’t let the menu get too fancy, with tiny little steaks for a zillion dollars and rolls of weird fish. Instead, go with the best party menu ever: the Superbowl Party menu.

The essentials: nacho bar, buffalo wings, chicken strips and, if you’re feeling rich, some pizza. Or, go with the KFC Double Down. This is going to be a day everyone has to remember, and eating that sandwich will keep it in the front of their minds for a long time to come (especially when they have a heart attack one week later).

That leads to dessert. Now, there’s really no way of getting around the wedding cake (though, of course, you’ll also have to have an ice cream sundae bar). But you can redefine the wedding cake. First of all, they’re always vanilla or buttercream. Boring. Yours will be chocolate. And not just that. After you chocolate frost that six story tower of confectionery bliss, you’ll have it dipped in the chocolate shell Dairy Queen uses for their ice cream cones. The crunch and chocolate frosting will be killer.

5.  Pick a band: Of course, you can’t just have food at a wedding — you also need entertainment. That’s when you call up you old buddies from your high school garage band and get them to perform. It’s ironic. And they’ll end up playing Blink 182, Weezer and Nirvana, which is way better than “Celebrate” or that Black Eyed Peas song about Bar Mitzvahs. Don’t you dare even think about calling for Dave Matthews Band, asshole. Haven’t you realized they suck yet?

6. Plan the Toast: But the toast! The most emotional part of the whole evening! Unfortunately, toasts are usually milquetoast speeches given by shy and/or drunk best friends who have no idea what they’re doing or saying. That’s why, at the ultimate Dude wedding, you’ll have an English man give the toast. He could say anything, and it’d sound heartfelt and poignant. Bonus points: ask him to read the end of the Great Gatsby as the closer to the toast. The room will be weeping.

7. Prepare for everything: Here are some other things you must make sure any wedding worth its salt has: open bar (of only malt liquor), napkins that already look dirty (so prissy people get confused), a mad libs guest book (how many times do you really need to read “congrats!” in a guest book?), a cameraman filming in war film guerrilla style (a comment on the realities of marriage), and big screen TVs so that all the other dudes don’t have to worry about missing all the important games that are on during the wedding (because, invariably, a big playoff game will be on, no matter what time of year).

What Is A Justin Bieber? And Other Pop Culture Answers

Admit it: you’re clueless. You turn on the radio, and you have no idea what you’re hearing. Mainstream entertainment television is filled with women who could just as soon be your sister as a pop singer (honestly: you don’t even remember what your sister looks like. It’s been a rough few years for the ole memory). When you open up a celebrity magazine, it might as well be about politics, because you have no idea what is going on. You’re pop culture brain dead.

Usually, that’s okay. You don’t have to know the latest in Top 40 music to watch a Rambo or Rocky flick. Stallone doesn’t give one half a crap. But sometimes, every once in a rare while, you get curious. You want to participate in a conversation with other humans that don’t share your 4 am Taco and NES penchant. So you’ve got to learn. Luckily, we pay attention to this crap so you don’t have to. Here’s your cheat sheet.

1. Justin Bieber

No, this isn’t your neighborhood paperboy, or the star of the community theater production of Dennis The Menace. And while it’s easy to make fun of him, here’s the horrible truth: Justin Bieber is a mini God.

This pint-sized Canadian (which, generally, would be enough to make fun of forever) is taking over the world with his baby whitewashed R&B. The dwarf protege of Usher, his pubescent squeaks are causing riots worldwide. Literally. Ten girls passed out in Australia at the mere thought of seeing him as they camped out before a concert. There was a rampage in Paris. Arrests were made at a show in Long Island (though, this doesn’t qualify as news).

He’s a cocky kid, with two albums in eight months, an SNL appearance (Tina Fey fell in love), and an April Fools Day takeover of FunnyOrDie.com. So, make fun of him all you want, but the little bastard is running circles around you and cheapening your dreams. But as long as he sticks to the early high school crowd, he at least won’t take your women. Yet.

2. Jonas Brothers

The teen idols before Justin Bieber, these are the three you really should hate. They’re personable, handsome, and worst of all, actually talented. They’ve got two platinum albums, their own TV show (on the Disney channel, but still), a 3D movie, and sold out world tours. Oh, and one of them had the balls to break up with Taylor Swift in a 27-second phone call. It takes you 27 seconds to, well, you know.

Ah, yes, and the youngest one has a side band with members of the New Power Generation, aka Prince’s backing band. That hip bastard, he wasn’t even being ironic.

With girls throwing themselves at them all over the world, they’re everything you want to be. Except that, they wear purity rings, which means they pledge to stay chaste until marriage. Jokes on them. Except for the oldest one, Kevin. He got married, undeniably just to break that 22-year case of blue balls. For real, the joke is REALLY on Kevin.

3. Ke$ha

Remember that beat ugly girl who wore unicorn t-shirts over her linebacker-like frame and told everyone she was gonna be a gigantic star? And remember how everyone laughed their asses off at her?

Yeah, that’s Ke$ha. Except that it really happened. She dyed her hair, made horrible fashion decisions, discovered autotune and the rest is history. Tragic, there-should-be-a-national-holiday-commemorating-her-horrible-rise-to-fame and school children have to write sad essays about history. So often, music is a literary experience, blending poetry and soul and capturing what is best about the human condition. Her two hit songs, Tik Tok (wherein she sings about “brushing her teeth with a bottle of jack”) and Blah Blah Blah, combine the voice quality of William Hung and depth of feeling of the lovechild of Lindsay Lohan and Dick Cheney.

4. Twilight

You know what are awesome? Undead, nocturnal, heartless, melt-in-the-sun vampires that prey on beautiful virgins in distress, sucking their blood while turning others into members of their undead army. Twilight is the opposite of that.

It’s the inexplicably gigantic book and movie series about a sissy ninnyboy vampire who is sensitive, soulful, sparkles in the sun and falls in love with a girl to the point that he refuses to bite her, let alone bang her. Oh, and he’s got a family full of friendly vampires, and there are even some wussy werewolves thrown in there, too, to totally destroy any shred of dignity left for the formerly awesome myths.

If there’s one saving grace, it’s that the girls in the flick are hot, and if you pretend to know about it, you can talk to pretty much any college girl out there. So start watching the flicks, or at least reading about them on Wikipedia, and show your sensitive vampire side, even if it makes you want to bite your own neck.

5. Betty White

Just pause for a second and think about how one of these things is not like the other. We’ve got a list of pop stars and vampire romance movies… and an 88-year old woman. And the old lady is the coolest!

It’s been a real revival for Betty White, the former Golden Girl turned internet sensation turned every ironic blogger’s golden girl. She’s been on TV for seven decades, winning Emmys (six! with 18 nominations!) and seducing men that now need pharmaceuticals for the same arousal. A bizarre internet campaign resulted in her hosting Saturday Night Live, which will either be the funniest thing ever or a horrible punishment for all those assholes who think one punchline jokes on the web should take over the world.

Either way, she’s a silver cougar (really, at this point, it’s platinum), with roles on some of the biggest shows of all time (she played the older lady in the Mary Tyler Moore show, if that gives you any idea of how big and old this broad is), and if our grandmas could be anything like her, well, we’d be very happy/sexually troubled.

The Ten Most Disgusting Chain Restaurant Items

Spring has sprung, which means it’s time to reveal the damage winter wrought to your body. That’s right, bust out those fattened thighs and whipped cream pasty skin tones for all to see. Congrats, you’re disgusting! Now, there’s two ways you can take this. One, start working out and not eating only 3 am fully loaded nachos, hoping to get yourself back into shape before beach season hits. Or, you could embrace your newly larded self and go for the gold (foiled burger wrapper). So much easier! If you’ve decided that you aren’t quite disgusting enough, we’re here to help. Here’s a list of the top ten sloppiest, most fattening, disgusting menu items found at major chains throughout the United States. Bon Apetit!

1. Bob Evans Caramel Banana Pecan Cream Stacked and Stuffed Hotcakes (1540 calories): Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, and if you order this butter-and-sugar-oozing stack of morning glory, it’ll be your only meal of the day. Not just because you’ve stuffed nearly the recommended daily calories into your helpless body, but because you’ll immediately pass out after the sugar rush fades away and all that’s left is the realization that you will one day be that fat guy over at Table Nine. He’s been coming to Bob Evans for years, or so says his pudgy face of sub-mediocre bliss.

2. Red Lobster Ultimate Fondue (1500 calories): A sourdough bread bowl stuffed with lobster cheese (huh?!), shrimp, crabmeat and whatever other cut-rate, day old fish they can find. The best part about the Ultimate Fondue is that it looks exactly like the yellow-brown layers of fat it leaves strewn throughout your disgusting body. If this is your appetizer, you should skip directly to dessert: dying alone by the age of 30.

3. Applebee’s Quesadilla Burger (1820): I know a lot of Mexicans (don’t ask), and I’m pretty sure that there was no Quesadilla Burger in their small, impoverished towns. This Montezuma’s Revenge-inducing monstrosity stuffs a southwest-seasoned slab of meat topped with cheddar and pepper jack cheeses, bacon, guacamole, Mexi-Ranch dressing, pico de gallo, tomatoes, red onion, jalapenos into a gigantic tortilla much in the same way you’ll be trying to stuff your muy grande ass into your pantalones. See what I did there? Or were you too busy shoving this Americanized bastardization of a proud culture down your fat throat?

4. Applebee’s Riblets and Chicken Tenders Platter (1770 calories): Can’t decide whether to get the riblets or chicken tenders? Hey, at this point, why not just spring for both and get that extra push into the grave! And luckily, not only does it come with fries, but baked beans are also included, so you can optimally share the resultant smell of death with all the people who decided not to poison themselves with greasy cyanide.

5. Carl’s Jr: Double Western Bacon Six Dollar Burger (1680 calories): A regular burger just isn’t enough; you need the six-dollar burger, which is 100% angus beef. Fair enough, big man. But no, you don’t stop there. Double that bitch, because you’re a man who wants to eat a whole cow while looking like one, too. But screw it. Keep going. Throw some bacon on there. And hey, what about a couple onion rings? Yeah, why not? Why bother with separate plates and separate meals for all those fatty delicacies? Throw ‘em all together. Because you are just that vomit-inducingly piggish manly.

6. Burger King’s Triple Whopper with Cheese (1230 calories): A Whopper makes for a nice, very filling burger experience. Two Whoppers? Now you’re getting crazy. Three? How the hell do you fit your mouth around that, Porky Pig? Were two Whoppers really not enough? Oh, wait. I get it. You’re trying to choke and die! Good choice! And hey, if the whole choking thing doesn’t work out, eat a few years’ worth of these babies and you’ll be right where you wanna be!

7. Pizza Hut Personal Panormous Meat Lover’s Pizza (1590 calories): This is basically a slightly smaller-than-normal pie, but because it has the word “personal” in the name, you can totally eat the whole thing. Bonus: makes the “are what you eat” cliche come true. Eat this, and you’ll be panormous that only someone that loves a lot of meat could even think about touching.

8. PF Chang’s Double Pan-Fried Noodles with Beef, Pork, Chicken, Shrimp (1300 calories):” How do the Chinese stay so skinny, when they eat big, fatty bowls of fried meat and noodles like this?” They don’t, dumbass, they eat rice and sprouts. It’s not multicultural of you to eat this abomination in a bowl, it’s a one way ticket to Food Court Fattieville.

9. Taco Bell Volcano Nachos (1000 calories): A platter of stoner dreams, this faux-Mexican dish comes stacked with tortilla chips smothered with hearty beans, seasoned ground beef, warm nacho cheese sauce, red tortilla strips, cheesy molten hot lava sauce (this sounds dangerous) and jalapeños. But no worries, it is topped with reduced fat sour cream, crucial to feeling good about yourself as you blow hot lava sauce out your ass just minutes later. No need for those extra calories!

10. Uno Chicago Grill: Mega-Sized Deep Dish Sundae (2800 calories): Just in case the massive greasy pizzas weren’t enough, Uno put out this monstrosity of a dessert to finish the job. Good for those “I’d really like diabetes by the end of this meal” cravings.

How To Name Your Band

Rock and roll: it used to be so easy. Slap together a  little be-bop, a little shoo-be-doo, a Suzy oh oh and a few rhymes, and you had a revolutionary hit. Then the drugs and the synthesizers; the anger and the hair; and the plaid shirts and irony came in waves, and we found ourselves in a confusing mess. What’s authentically cool? Who knows!

Same goes for rock and roll band names. Used to be, all you had to do was have a lead singer and a bunch of guys playing backup that were willing to be grouped together as faceless entity. Bill Haley and his Rockets. Buddy Holly and the Crickets. Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band. Hootie and the Blowfish (wait, he wasn’t named Hootie?!).

Now, it’s all gone to crap. It seems so random, why some band names work, and others die in utero on MySpace. But one things for sure: if you wanna have a hit, you gotta have a sick name. Wanna give the rock and roll life a try? Here’s a guide to naming your band.

1. Going Solo? Decide how many people will be in your band. If you’re a solo artist, stop right here. Often times, solo artists give themselves names bands might have, and then no one knows they’re solo artists, and then they aren’t so amazed with them, and don’t want to have groupie sex. Big mistake. To avoid this, use either a cool, European version of your name (Christophers, you are now Kris, etc.) or just go one name, like Madonna or Prince or Lady Gaga (Lady is a royal title, FYI).

2. Duet? If there’s just two of you, that’s easy: Milli Vanilli. Done.

3. Hardcore metal: Here’s where you want to be edgy, to shock the masses. They’re used to things like KC and the Sunshine Band, so it’s time to assault their senses. The only real choice? Taint Vomit. Individually gross, and when combined, exponentially so. You’ve gotta be badass to call yourselves Taint Vomit, and wearing your shirt will be a surefire way for any rebellious kid to shock his parents at dinner.

4. Rock to Death! Death Metal Band? Easy fix. Lucifer’s Taint Vomit. Also poses a question: is it taint vomit that belongs to Lucifer, Lucifer’s vomit in someone’s taint, or someone’s vomit in Lucifer’s taint? Always good to keep them guessing.

5. Try The Ol Classic:  A “The” Band: You have to take yourselves seriously here. This is for real self-important types. Some of the greatest acts ever are “The” bands. You know, The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, The Band. More recently, The Strokes. Sticking “The” in front of something automatically gives you cred. Never a bad choice, unless you name yourselves something like The Asswipes. Although that’s hipster ironic.

6. Visit the Zoo: If you’re still searching, consider a newer trend in indie rock: bands named after animals. Band of Horses, Grizzly Bear, Frightened Rabbit, and broad-reaching Animal Collective. How about Moose Knuckle? No? Well, you get the idea. Indie hipster = animal band. You’ll have a 45% better shot of ending up on someone’s tumblr blog or something.

7. Random Nouns: Okay, at this point, just start putting random nouns together. Hey, it worked for Vampire Weekend. Hula Hoop Smorgasbord, anyone?

Six 1980′s Shows That Should Still Be On TV

Burnt out on your Arrested Development DVDs (C’mon!) and dreading the end of LOST (though you still have no idea what’s going on)? Turn back the clock to a time of scrunched hair, neon color schemes, and eight bit arcades! Though its reputation for campiness is well deserved, there were some awesome shows gracing the major broadcast networks back in the 80′s. Here’s a guide for those of you inspired by Hot Tub Time Machine and want a blast from the past.

1. ALF: On its surface, it seems like a corny family sitcom about an uptight dad, a sassy mom, and a bizarrely attractive daughter. And then you throw in the wise cracking brown furry alien that looks like a smaller, upright version of Snuffleupagus. Game changer.

Though it lasted just four seasons (from 1986-1989) ALF was a smash hit, inspiring burger chain toys, lunchboxes, and t-shirts nationwide. With an insatiable appetite (especially for cats) and an elongated nose for trouble, ALF (short for Alien Life Form, though his real name was Gordon Shumway) packed a lot of badass in his three foot frame. He made rock videos, used a platinum bidet, insulted old women, and called President Reagan to tell him to get his head out of his ass when it came to nuclear proliferation.

And you know what? It worked. Reagan backed down. All hail ALF!

2. Fraggle Rock: In some ways, the childish step brother of the Muppet Show, the Rock was the vehicle for Jim Henson’s exploration of societal problems like racism, sexism, classism and environmentalism that used tiny, furry, pantless cave dwellers.

Henson must have been baked out of his mind when he came up with the concept for this one (and we say this about a guy who made a living from talking frogs, aliens, gigantic yellow birds, and diva pigs) because it is straight up whacked. It stars the Fraggles, who were the tiny, adventurous creatures who wore Hawaiian shirts and ate buildings created by industrious, six inch ant-like, construction helmet-wearing Doozers. All while stealing stealing radishes from 22-foot tall human farmers known as Grogs.

Sure beats the hell out of Dora the Explorer, no?

3. Golden Girls: It’s a senior citizen Sex and the City, but with hot women. Yeah, Betty White, we’re looking at you!

Seriously, you wish your grandma was this cool (or alive, period). From sassy, sardonic Bea Arthur (playing Dorothy “Pussycat” Zbornak) to sharp as a whip Estelle Getty (the hottest fake 90-year old this side of anyone… since no one else is a hot fake 90-year old), the Golden Girls gave the golden years an edge for seven seasons. After all, they dated in the 1980′s BV (Before Viagara), so you know they were legit.

There was lying, cheating, stories of Scandinavian fishermen, and Rose’s adoptive mother, whose last name was Gerkleknerbeigenhaufstetlerfrau. You’d never think story lines about pensions and grandchildren could actually be, well, funny, but the show was nominated for a whopping 65 Emmy’s, twice winning for Outstanding Comedy Series and earning all four lead actresses golden statues. Which is kind of awesome and kind of frightening.

4. Married With Children: Dear God, don’t let us become Al Bundy. The miserable shoe store clerk who lives a miserable life in a miserable suburb with a miserable family (all on a miserable TV set).

The “Bundy Curse” hits Al hard, forcing him to marry a pregnant girlfriend and stealing away his promising college football career. He’s got terrible foot odor, terrible teeth, and a wife that spends his money on everything but cleaning supplies and food. His daughter is even dumber and his son sucks. Sounds horrifying in real life, but it’s pitch perfect on screen.

This show will either make you laugh your face off, or cry at the grim inevitabilities of life. Just don’t bang your vapid girlfriend with protection after watching, and you’ll be okay. Hey, it ran for 11 seasons (1987-1997) so at least something had to go right.

5. Murder She Wrote: Honestly, I can’t believe this was actually a successful show. It’s one of those things you’d watch as a kid and laugh nonstop at, because some old woman was sneaking around, banging keys on a typewriter, and putting murderers in their places. And because there were nonstop murders in Cabot Cove, (a small town in coastal Maine), a place where it’s usually lobsters that get sliced, not people.

But wow, there was a real 11-year period there where people were getting slaughtered left and right, probably because they had an incompetent police force accustomed to lobster thievery. Seriously, those guys just constantly arrested the wrong people. And like the villains in Scooby Doo, the murderers would have gotten away with it, too, had it not been for that sly fox Jessica Fletcher (babealicous Angela Lansbury), a murder-mystery writer who is so good at solving crimes that she gains admirers in the m-f’ing British spy agency. Along with four Golden Globes.

Okay, it’s pretty preposterous, but it’s also insanely hilarious and entertaining. Especially when you consider people took this seriously enough to nominate it three times for the Emmy for Best Dramatic Series.

6. Hill Street Blues: Before there were 30 different CSIs and a blueprint that made police work look like paint by numbers, there was Hill Street Blues. The originally gritty cop show, this took us into the rough streets of the inner city (though they never named the actual city) to take on drug dealers, gangs, corruption, and more. So it was a hit with the affluent audience, taking rich white people into the “other” places without actually having to ride a subway!

Add in exploration of the characters personal lives, and you’ve got the big brother of The Wire and NYPD Blue (in fact, it was produced by Steven Botcho, who later produced NYPD Blue).