Shocker! Miss Teen South Carolina Flubs Answer About Education

The great state of South Carolina is represented flawlessly by Ms. South Carolina, a blonde, dumb-as-bricks girl who sputtered out delicious quotes on the subject of U.S. maps during the Miss Teen USA 2007 pageant.

In less than a minute Lauren Caitlin Upton’s brain is able to wax political about the United States’ lack of maps, “The Iraq,” South Africa, “Asian Countries,” education and “everywhere, like and such as.”

I’m 100% positive that she memorized the most-searched political words and phrases on Ask Jeeves when preparing for the pageant.

I’m also 100% positive that I’ll use her answer as my new monologue the next time I audition for a part in a feature film.

Watch the video after the jump.

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New “Halo 3″ Clip Unveiled

September 25 can’t come quick enough for fans of the Halo franchise. Early reports on Halo 3, easily one of the most anticipated games of all time, have been more than favorable; but outside of the gaming elite nobody has seen concrete evidence.

The most recent clip puts all doubt out the door, with more emphasis on action than previous trailers. FPS fans shouldn’t worry any further, as Master Chief’s latest fragfest is gearing up to be a bonafide showstopper.

Watch the new teaser clip after the jump.

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LiLo Avoids Felony Charges; Gets Wrist Firmly Slapped

If there is any lesson to be learned from the charges filed against Lindsay Lohan, it’s that you should always, always shove every last crystal of cocaine up your nose before cops pull you over. That way you won’t get charged for possession…?

LiLo has been charged with seven misdemeanors (and zero felonies – more on that in a bit) from her two counts of DUI, adding up to a grand total of four days in jail if she is found guilty on all accounts. Read more

PSP: Give it a “Go!”

As if the high processing-power wasn’t enough the Sony PSP has rolled out a new slew of intuitive applications that will make James Bond blush.

First up is Go!Video: this nifty app will enable PSP owners to watch movies on-the-fly, without inserting a disc of any sort.

Go!Explore sports a GPS navigation system with all the trimmings – handy for trips with the handheld. Read more

Michael Vick vs. The Food Chain

Yeah, yeah, yeah – dogs are cute and precious, blah, blah, blah. PETA, PETA, PETA – puppy dogs, rainbows and unicorns…

Michael Vick didn’t kill a human; they were f@cking dogs – case closed. There have been countless examples of athletes responsible for deaths – Ray Lewis barely avoided murder charges – let alone drunk driving or worse (let’s not even discuss child support).

Now, it has been a long time since junior high but when last I checked, not only were dogs domesticated animals (that fall much lower on the food chain than humans) but we have killed domesticated animals for much lesser crimes. The ASPCA kills tens of thousands of domesticated animals on a weekly basis. Also, when in the hell did PETA become a lobby group in charge of upholding federal policy?

Don’t get me wrong – Pamela Anderson has great tits, but she needs to shut the f@ck up and just sit there and look pretty. Doesn’t she still have hepatitis or AIDS or some random strand of filth she caught from Kid Rock? Go get therapy bitch, and leave Michael Vick alone. Read more

Re-Enter the Dragon

Warner Bros. development department is compiled mostly of wh*res.Why the harshness do you ask? Good question, and my answer is simple. Don’t f**k with perfection.

Did the Vatican say, “Ya know Benny, da’ta ceiling on’a da’ chapel sure is molte bene, but don’t you a’ wish we coulda’ redo it wit a little CGI? Lika’ da’ Matrix?” No they didn’t. In ’72, did Shula say, “You know what guys, I know we are undefeated but I want to make sure everyone gets a chance to play – Go on third team! You’re in!” No he did not. Did Ron Jeremy say, “You know what, maybe I shouldn’t be the only 350 lb porn star with DD-man-boobs – Jenny Craig here I come!” Hells no, the Hedgehog did no such thing.

Why, pray tell, would anyone in their right mind agree to remake Enter the Dragon.

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10 Video Game Trends Close to Extinction

10. Split Screens – For years, the only way to “get your multiplayer on” was by huddling around that tiny TV in your buddy’s dorm. At the very least, you made friends with the rich kid who was dumb enough to bring in a 42-inch plasma to their room. With the dawn of online gaming systems, more people want their screens to themselves – plus it eliminates the “Stop looking at my buttons!” factor that plagues me in our weekly Madden contests.

9. Complex HUDs – Twelve health meters, Seven ammo counters, a giant map with heat signatures, and a text scroll screen for those who like to send quasi-witty msgs during gameplay. It was a tough lesson for programmers and game developers to learn, especially with some of the flight similators out there who have gotten a little TOO HUD intensive – I want to feel like I am flying a plane, I don’t really want to know how to fly one. By getting rid of all the excess clutter, developers can communicate with players through indirect ways that mesh with the world of the game and its character.

8. Arcade Ports – Younger gamers probably don’t remember heading into arcades in the 80s and 90s to see the new advanced graphics and sound setups that your Atari 2600 just couldn’t match. Now, home consoles are so technologically advanced and sophisticated that arcade consoles really can’t keep up. Not to mention that fact that if you expect me to cough up $400 for a console and $50 a game – my quarters are going into my piggy bank. Keep your damn shooting game and car simulation. It is a truly sad day, but with the death of almost all arcades in the US, arcade ports are literally on their last days.

7. Genres - If you’ve ever glanced at the style bullets in from of gaming lists and magazine articles, you will notice that there are pretty loose classification terminology used for most gaming styles, and for very good reason. Large scale games are quickly expanding beyond the realms of easily classified games. Sure, BioShock is a first-person, but I’m not sure about the shooter part – at least not exclusively. And if you like the Madden Superstar mode, you will notice that it is basically an RPG cycle stuffed into a sports title. More complex games require more complex classifications.

6. Save Points – If I work through a level and have to run to class before I finish, DAMMIT I want to start from where I finished. Some of you probably disagree, but we need to agree that save points are gay. For years, gamers were slaves to these damn “points of light” or blinking signs, or spinning orbs – forced to keep playing until we found one so that we wouldn’t lose the last hour of pain-staking work. Luckily, checkpoints and auto-saving have largely abolished this in most gaming formats – that is, except for those RPG titles that refuse to change. Ever wonder who actually “Continues without saving?” I mean really, what masochist does that!?

5. Cheat Codes – As a general rule, the majority fall into one of three categories: open world playground games, other kid-targeted releases, and sports titles. And even these are becoming less and less common. Other games are steering away from them completely, developers are stills throwing in cool secrets and easter eggs, but they are eliminating cheats that basically break the games that they have worked so hard to foster. Up, Down, Left, Left, A, B, B…screw it!

4. Extra Lives – The days of Q-Bert and Joust are gone. If you decide to play a game that gives you 5 lives, suck it up and make them last. Alas, in the olden-days and the long-before time that preceeded checkpoints or even the most basic game continuations that were password based, it was your ability to find or earn extra lives that kept you off that ominous title screen. Imagine if you will, spending 20 hours on an epic game, only to run out of lives and go back tto the beginning. Thank GOD those days are gone and that the time of scouring a level for extra-men are over. Alas, there are some stragglers trying to keep this extra-lives search alive…move on people…move on.

3. Points – It’s funny to think how big a part of the gaming world these used to be, especially since within the last 2 years alone, very few titles include any point system at all. In the NES days, points were tthe only measure of skill that you could brag about on the playground. Even in arcade, with the lack of any multiplayer modes, the only litmus test to compare yourself to the omniscient “AAA,” was to fight for the highest score and toss your 3 initials to the top of the list. F-you AAA!

2. High Difficulty Settings – Plenty of games still deliver hardcore twists and turns that’ll force you to punch your roommates mini-fridge and create new curses that no one else understands. However, publishers and developers are starting to cater to more entry level gamers by eliminating high difficulty and adding in lower novice levels. It is very similar to when my HS got rid of AP Astro-Physics and replaced it with “Physics in Everyday Life.” Society has trended to dumbing down for the idiots, the gaming world is no different.

1. System Exclusivity – There was a day not so long ago when buying a console was as easy as picking your favorite title franchise and finding out which system it played on. Whether it was Halo on Xbox or Zelda on NES – you had to choose. Admittedly, there are still some major first-party games that are pulling in the crowds (Halo 3), but the all important third-party publishers are increasingly uninterested in settling for sales on only one system. Why tap only one segment of the gaming population when a little added expense can create ports that tap them all? Microsoft, Sony, Nintendo all continue to work hard to try to force developers into delivering exclusive games. Unfortunately for them, developers are proving to be less and less succeptible to those tactics.