It’s indisputable: “Riverbottom Nightmare Band” is not only the greatest Christmas song of all time, but the greatest song of all time, period.

I’m not even joking: check the heavy as f*** main riff, 70’s glam-rock moves and of course, the most bad-a** lyrics and melodies ever penned by puppets. This makes stoner-rock groups like Black Sabbath and Deep Purple sound like Smash Mouth by comparison.

So what if the lyrics don’t deal directly with Christmas. Emmet Otter’s Jug Band Christmas, the movie the song is featured in, is a holiday movie; it’s festive by default. And it totally destroys Emmet’s entry into the talent show, the lame-o “In Our World/Brothers.”

Check out the mind-blowing lyrics after the jump! (more…)

As far as W.H.O.M. (World Health Optimization Management) is concerned, it’s a great idea to publish the sexual history of every human being in existence on the web for all to see.

The World Sexual Relationship Database is a user-run website that’s much easier to maintain than the crumpled-up “list” most dudes jot down on a piece of paper every few months/weeks/years. The layout is simple; it’s contents deep. Well, not deep yet.

When typing in my name, no partners popped up – meaning that I’M A VIRGIN. How could this happen? In this pissing-contest above all pissing-contests I’m embarrassed…and somehow relieved. Nobody must know about my one-night stand with a wrinkled, floppy-breasted Ukrainian mother doused in Vodka and regret. Whoops…

So, how accurate are these lists? Not very, according to my search on herpes-homeboy Derek Jeter. His listing only shows sexual connections to James Massengill and Alex Rodriguez – not the most reliable site of web sex stats, are we World Sexual Relationship Database? Then again, their Paris Hilton listing is much more telling… (more…)

The Toronto Blue Jays released slumping designated hitter Frank Thomas Sunday, cutting the 19-year veteran loose one day after he was angry for being taken out of the lineup.

Somehow Thomas did not think being hitless in his past 13 at-bats, going 4-for-35. Despite being known as a slow starter and batting .167 with three homers and 11 RBIs for Toronto this season, Thomas got sent on his way.

General manager J.P. Ricciardi said he and Thomas came to “a mutual agreement” after meeting in the clubhouse early Sunday. “Our best opportunity is to put other guys in the lineup at this point,” Ricciardi said. “Obviously, reduced playing time is not something that he was interested in. In order to let him go forward and get on with his career, I think it’s fair to do it at this point.” (more…)

This guy attempts to body slam his buddy from his roof but misses the landing and bounces off the ground hard.

If you’re up to snuff on your odd holidays, you should be aware that every third Thursday of April is National High Five Day, meaning TODAY IS NATIONAL HIGH FIVE DAY.

This is huge news. Monumental stuff, here.

Sure, the point of the day is to high-five somebody, but what makes it all the more special is that the fivee should be a complete stranger, as the NHF website says in its mission statement:

“Imagine that while on your way to class, you pass a dignified looking middle-aged man in a suit. You, of course, are wearing the same underwear as yesterday, a pair of pants off your floor, and a T-shirt with something ironic printed on it. Instead of noticing this respectable pillar of society fifteen seconds or so before your interaction is fated to occur, and lowering your head to avoid his disapproving scowl, you take another course of action.

You confidently walk forward, and at the moment of passing, you and the businessman simultaneously raise your hands and wordlessly high-five. The sound of the perfect high five resonates, causing those nearby to silently and enviously take notice. You both walk on, and likely relate the story to whomever you eat dinner with that night. There is no reason why this should not happen with alarming frequency.”

I won’t lie and say that I myself knew about National High Five Day before this very morning (thanks Google Trends!) , but now it will become as important as my own birthday, something worth celebrating once a year. So walk by a random passerby and give them a high-five!

The Babysitters is a 2007 independent film directed by David Ross. It stars John Leguizamo, Cynthia Nixon and Katherine Watterson. The story follows a teenager who turns her babysitting service into a call girl service for married men after fooling around with one of her customers.

Props to Videogum for finding it!

The fine folks at Stereogum have linked up to Scarlett Johannson’s first song off her upcoming album of Tom Waits’ covers, titled Anywhere I Lay My Head. The title track has been leaked online, and the verdict is…well, you tell me. What do you expect from ScarJo?

It’s emotionally cold and vague comparing to the original — it’s no easy feat to eclipse the World’s Greatest Carnival Barker — but not as bad as one would expect, all depending on your expectations (not very high to begin with, here). Still, you be the judge.

Listen to “Anywhere I Lay My Head” here.

Another PSA from Judd Apatow with Forgetting Sarah Marshall’s Kristen Bell and Superbad’s Christopher Mintz-Plasse. Made for the “Night of Too Many Stars” benefit for Autism Education.

In one of the funnier stories in sports, a construction worker/Yankee hater/Red Sox lover working on the Yankees new stadium planted a David Ortiz jersey under the concrete foundation. Needless to say, the Yanks and their fans weren’t too happy about the prank.

Gino Castignoli, the Benedict Arnold of New York, could face criminal and civil charges if the people have their way.

If I had it my way, a bronze statue of Castignoli would be erected in Yawkey Way for all Sox fans to admire.

Should he be fined? Certainly, seeing that it cost $50,000 to excavate the jersey from the site — but jail time? Give me a break. Castignoli himself said “Anybody with half a brain knows it was all done in fun. I didn’t hurt nobody.”

I know Yankee fans want revenge for their precious team — to be fair, Sox fans would probably plea for the Death Sentence in a similar situation — but it’s all part of being a fan, folks. It’s just a sport at the end, be it the sport itself or the sport of dissing your rival team. Let’s not cry over cracked concrete.

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Real or fake, either way it’s rad: