NFL Midseason Report Card

I always hated report cards. Nine times out of ten, it resulted in my television privileges going away for a few weeks. But not this time, folks. I’M handing out the grades this time and guess who the pupils are: the teams of the National Football League. It’s time to see how these guys are doing as they work toward the playoffs and a spot in Super Bowl 44. So here’s how I see it. Consider this my audition piece for John Clayton’s job at ESPN. You’re not living forever, old man.

AFC North: B-
1. Pittsburgh
2. Baltimore
3. Cincinnati
4. Cleveland

Coming into 2010, this was supposed to come down to the Ravens and the Bengals with the Steelers having to take a step back and recover from the Big Ben fiasco. The Ravens are what we thought they were (solid and improved on offense), but the surprise has been the Steelers riding the run game to a 4-1 start during the Big Ben suspension and having to resort to Charlie Batch at QB when Byron Leftwich and Dennis Dixon got nicked up. Now that Ben is back, a manageable second half schedule and the 11th rank rush offense in the league, I don’t see the Steelers falling back.
Winner: Steelers

AFC East: B
1. New York Jets
2. New England
3. Miami
4. Buffalo

The Jets had big offseason moves and the bluster of “Hard Knocks” leading into 2010 but then stubbed their toes in week one in a 10-9 loss to Baltimore. Since, they’ve played defense the way we expected, Mark Sanchez has managed to not screw the pooch under center and LT is playing like a man 5/6th his age (25 and some change). The Pats only loss is a thrashing at home to the Jets. They’re a shaky 6-1 and are about three weeks removed from trading away Randy Moss (not an upgrade no matter how you spin it). The Jets just lost 9-0 to the Pack but I still think they take a Wild Card with New England winning the division.
Winner: Patriots

AFC South: B+

1. Indianapolis
2. Houston
3. Tennessee
4. Jacksonville

The Colts got big timed by Houston in game one. Still after a last second hiccup to the Jags, the Colts ended the first half of the season by bringing the Texans back to Earth with a win at home and reclamation of first place in the division. The Texans will slide, with the Titans pushing for a Wild Card spot with newly acquired journeyman receiver Randy Moss (I love that guy). As usual, Indy takes the AFC South. Winner: Indy

AFC West: C

1. Kansas City
2. Oakland
3. San Diego
4. Denver

You read that one right. The Chiefs are on top of the division with a grind it out run game, a glorified junior college quarterback and an opportunistic defense. The Chargers have the best offense in the league and are in third. Oakland is just sort of there in second place and Denver is wasting a career year for Kyle Orton in last place. The Bolts are notoriously strong finishers but I just don’t see that one happening this year. Look for the Chiefs to finish the job and win the division for the first time in forever and a day.
Winner: Chiefs

NFC North: C +
1. Green Bay
2. Chicago
3. Minnesota
4. Detroit

Favre coming back and the Pack being a sexy pick to win it all made this the most intriguing division coming into 2010. But the Vikes have struggled, Favre got caught with his pants off (and his camera phone on) and Green Bay can’t seem to field a completely healthy team to save its life. So we’re left with the 4-3 Bears in first place. The Lions aren’t a factor and the Vikes are too far back. As long as Aaron Rodgers stays upright, I’ll take the Packers to make the playoffs and then have to use the Wisconsin Badgers starting 22 since this team can’t stay healthy to save its life. Winner: Green Bay

NFC East: B-
1. New York
2. Philadelphia
3. Washington
4. Dallas

I could laugh at Dallas for days but we all have things to do so I’ll get to the analyzing. Here goes: the ONLY way the G-men lose this one is….never mind. Mike Shanahan gave McNabb the hook for Rex GROSSman. ‘Nuff said. Dallas is starting Jon Kitna, which would have helped back 2001 and Andy Reid keeps messing with the quarterback situation he so badly mucked up to start with in Philly. Giants win the pennant. Giants win the pennant.
Winner: Giants

NFC South: C
1. Atlanta
2. Tampa Bay
3. New Orleans
4. Carolina

The fuzzy feeling on Bourbon Street is, sort of, gone now. The defending SB champs are trying to stay above water but are getting frozen out by Matty Ice and the Falcons (see what I did there? You’re welcome all 36 of you Falcons fans out there). Super Bowl hangovers are normal, NOLA but just be happy with your wild cart berth. Just deal with it the same way you’d deal with any other hangover: purge at the toilet the night before or pack a bowl. Oh and Tampa Bay is a year or two away. Winner: Atlanta, Wild Card: New Orleans.

NFC West: D +
1. Seattle
2. St. Louis
3. Arizona
4. San Francisco

This was supposed to be the Niners division to lose. About that…Anyway, this division winner will be the worst team, record wise, of all eight that make the playoffs and be immediately written off. So you’ll pardon me this homer moment when I say that my home town ST. LOUIS RAMS will take this division, and then upset their Wild Card opponent, thus setting up 15 years of Sam Bradford quarterbacking glory. Write it down! Winner: St. Louis

AFC: New England, Pittsburgh, Baltimore, NYJ, Indianapolis, Kansas City
NFC: Atlanta, Green Bay, New York, St. Louis, New Orleans, Chicago

AFC Wild Card: Baltimore over KC, NYJ over Indy
NFC Wild Card: NYG over Chicago, STL over New Orleans

AFC Divisional Playoffs: New England over Baltimore, Pittsburgh over NYJ

NFC Divisional Playoffs: NYG over Atlanta, Green Bay over STL

AFC Title Game: Pittsburgh over New England
NFC Title Game: NYG over Green Bay
Super Bowl 44: Pittsburgh over New York

And since we love hot chicks here at COED, that very Super Bowl result could very well cause the internal combustion of the achingly hot Kate Mara and her equally easy on the eyes sister Rooney. Why is this? Their dad is a Mara (the family that owns the Giants) and mom is a Rooney (the family that owns the Steelers). We here at COED would like to extend a shoulder to cry on and a dinner date invitation to Applebee’s should things become too hard to handle.

“The Goonies” 25 Years Later: Where Are They Now?

What do you get when you mix a group of outcasts, a rainy day, a curiously hidden treasure map and a deformed kind of sort of Cyclops in the body of a linebacker named Sloth? If you guessed rush weekend at Delta Iota Kappa, you’re half right. You get the quintessential 80′s movie that doesn’t have John Hughes genius finger prints on it: The Goonies. And if something today made you sit up and say, “Man, I feel old” brace yourself. Because “The Goonies” is celebrating its silver anniversary this year.
In honor of the 25th anniversary of this immaculate piece of 80′s cinema, I’m going to catch up with (internet stalk) the Goondock Saints (please let me have coined that phrase) and see what they’re up to now.

Sean Astin as Mikey

Playing the Head of the Goonies, Mikey, Astin’s character was spearheaded the treasure map hunt and all the ensuing shenanigans. Astin was a natural as the asthmatic, vocabularily deficient leader. Since then, I guess you could say he’s done a few things. he had a starring role in some flick called “Rudy” and played Samwise in a weird trilogy about little people called “Lord of the Rings”. Still his most beloved role: Dave in the 90′s classic “Encino Man” starring along side the Weasel Pauly Shore and Brendan Fraser. No word if he’s still rocking the inhaler, though.

Josh Brolin as Brandon

As Mikey’s supposedly hunky older brother Brandon, Brolin had to keep Mikey and the other knucklehead’s in line while also trying to get in the guts of an easy on the eyes ginger gal named Andy (more on her later). Since then, Brolin has been in movies such as “No Country for Old Men” and “American Gangstar”. He also rammed his head in a locker door a few times and managed to accurately portray Dubya in “W”. He also bagged Diane Lane. He wins “The Goonies”.

Corey Feldman as Mouth

Every crew has a mouthy, obnoxious, assclown. So that’s who Feldman played, the aptly named “Mouth”. He spoke Spanish, he hid jewels in his mouth…he was a true renaissance man. Anyway, Feldman went on to star in cinema’s most realistic and least emo portrayal of vampires (The Lost Boys) and formed a legendary bromance with another dude named Cory.

Jeff Cohen as Chunk

Everyone loves a fat kid. Sure you make fun of his rolls and squeeze his chubby, little cheeks and make farting noises but deep down you really like the guy. Anyway, Cohen’s last acting credit was for a tv movie called “Perfect Harmony” in ’91. Since he’s graduated from Berkley and is now an entertainment lawyer. Here’s hoping the Truffle Shuffle was used to close out a particularly tough deal.

Kerri Green as Andy

Green was on a short list of go-to female redheads in the 80′s with Molly Ringwald. Since the Goonies, she’s retired (i.e. the phone’s stopped ringing” and is now living with a hubby and kids in LA. No word on when the romantic reunion with Brolin is going to happen.

Jonathan Ke Quan as Data

If television has taught us anything its that Asians love gadgets and taking pictures. Data did all of that and he did them awesomely. He had another memorable turn as Short Round in “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom” and later graduated from USC Cinema TV school.

Martha Plimpton as Stef

Pretty sure her sole purpose in this movie was to be the atypical unattractive sidekick for Andy and a foil for Mouth. You can see her on tv right now in the FOX “hit” “Raising Hope”. She also has poke wars with Feldman on Facebook to re-live the good ol’ days. I made up that last part…

John Matsuzak as Sloth

A former Oakland Raiders defensive end-turned actor, this ended up being Matsuzak’s most notable role. The 6’8 behemoth was downright lovable as the bald, tiny eared creature who formed an unlikely friendship with Chunk. Uggos helping uggos, I guess. Matsuzak passed away from heart failure in ’89. Sad days.

11 Memorable MLB Playoff Walk-off’s

If you watch ESPN round the clock like I do, you’ll know that walk off hit happen more frequently than a Lindsay Lohan probation violation. There’s at least 5-6 a night and they all end with a mosh-pit at home plate (unless you’re the Anaheim Angels) that screams “act like you’ve been there before.” But all bets are off in the playoff’s. You’re one out away from a fall full of golf. So…playoff walkoff’s….here’s eleven good ones.

[YOUTUBE=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eiPGP6TSH1g]

11. Jim Edmonds, 2004 NLCS Game 6: The Astros were trying to get to their first World Series. The Cardinals were trying to stop them. And I sat in front of my dorm tv refusing to leave until the series was extended. 12 innings in, Edmonds went deep into right and I finally ate dinner. I win.

[YOUTUBE=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mGktd6ymICA]

10. Kirby Puckett, 1991 World Series Game 6: Kirby’s 11th inning jack to force a decisive game was memorable enough to warrant this spot. But most broadcasters are put on the spot to sum up a big moment and, as you’ll see with this list, Jack Buck paraphrased it perfectly with “And we’ll see you tomorrow night!”

9. Aaron Boone, 2003 ALCS Game 7: Full disclosure, I fell asleep a half an inning before this extra inning jack happened in October of 2003. I was a senior in high school on a tight schedule so sue me. Best part about this, besides giving the Red Sox Nation another winter to stew, was a year later when Boone tore his ACL playing pick-up hoops. That’s just great.

8. Ozzie Smith, 1985 NLCS Game 5: Personal favorite of mine since I’m STL born and bred. I like to tell people that this walk-off dinger was the reason I was conceived in the autumn of 1985. This was the Wiz’s first left-handed home run and it gave Cardinal fans our undisputed favorite Buck call. “Go Crazy, folks! Go Crazy! It’s a home run! And the Cardinals have one the game by a score of 3-2 on a home run by the WIZARD!”

7. Ken Griffey Jr. 1995 ALDS Game 5: My earliest memory of playoff baseball featuring probably the favorite baseball player of a lot of people my age. Edgar Martinez actually got the hit but Griff was the one who scored the run all the way first in his trademark smooth way. Get ‘em!

6. Carlton Fisk, 1975 World Series Game 6: Naturally this one gets a lot of pub because people in New England thinks the world begins and end with them. I blame Paul Revere. Even so, this is a pretty epic walk-off bomb in which Carlton Fisk used his arms to keep the ball fair, pretty much inventing Jedi powers.

5. Joe Carter, 1993 World Series Game 6: This would be higher on the list if it happened in America. True story. But if I have to discuss it, Carter hit this walk-off homer to clinch the Blue Jays second straight title. And it still probably paled in comparison to what the Maple Leafs did that year.

4. Luis Gonzalez, 2001 World Series Game 7
I feel downright unpatriotic for not putting this higher but I’m also late on my taxes so I’ll continue down this path. This was right after 9/11, the first Fall Classic to extend into November and it was the last Series to go to seven games. And it was just a damn entertaining seven games that ended with Luis blooping a single off of Mo Rivera to clinch the Diamondbacks first and only title.

[watch the video here]

3. Kirk Gibson, 1988 World Series Game 1: Old vet. Busted knee. “Unstoppable” team with unhittable closer. Jack Buck on the mic. Kirk Gibson homered in the bottom of the ninth off of Dennis Eckersley on one good knee prompting Buck to say “I don’t believe what I just saw.”

2. Bobby Thomson, 1951 NL Playoff: This walk-off homer is older than my dad but when something as simple as “The Giants win the pennant” is repeated and a home run is dubbed “The Shot Heard ‘Round the World”…I kind of have to include it on the list.

1. Bill Mazeroski, 1960 World Series Game 7: The ONLY home run to ever end a World Series. Well not the only one. I hit like 1789 in my backyard as a young lad. But I don’t like to brag.

30 Fun Ways To Tell Someone You F***ed

Aren’t words fun? Especially when you find elegant, shorter ways of talking about profane or gratuitous acts. For instance, there’s about a million ways to say you hooked up with a girl, but in the interest of time, we’ve narrowed it down to the funnest. So, without further ado, what did you do last night? Oh, well, we…

…Boinked

I guess boinking is a sound that’s sort of made while having sex. Box springs…why can’t they be quieter? Anyway, boinking is for 16-year olds who are just getting in there. Getting in where you ask? If you have to ask, then you’re reading the wrong post.

…Humped

I’m talking naked humping with penetration. Crude, lewd and socially unacceptable humping. I think you get the idea. In fact, for the next month I’ll only be using the word hump and its derivative’s when describing the act of lovemaking. That’s my level of commitment.

…Pumped
Pumping is another way of saying you worked out. Sex burns calories. This totally makes sense. But since you can pump out a lot of things (term papers, excuses, break up e-mails), I’m going to leave this in reserves for when I feel particularly ridiculous.

…Boned
Boning sounds flat out juvenile unless said “correctly”. It’s an awesome word that sounds better with a southern accent. Matthew McCognahey in his Wooderson days probably “boned” all the time. Yes, he did. Yes, he did.

…Banged

It’s just a fun word to say. It’s unisexual, unlike the aforementioned bone which anatomically sounds more appropriate coming from a guy. And like all of these euphemism’s, it is best left to be said amongst friends and in jest.

…Crushed
An awesome way of describing things when “puss” is attached to the end of it. Also implies that you did it right. Because we all know that if you aren’t going to do something right…

…Smushed
Thank (or don’t) “Jersey Shore” for popularizing this one. This is a weird one, sounding like another way of describing a gross kiss from your grandmother. Wait…never mind. Damage done.

…Plowed

Ever wanted to combine landscaping and genitals but you’re too afraid to have sex while driving your lawn mower? Well your prayers have now been answered.

…Railed
Rail sounds like bail. Bailing is a popular and, sometimes, necessary act after getting in there. Makes total sense to this guy.

…Nailed
“Nailed it” in a high-pitched celebratory tone is quite the rage right now. I bet that was first uttered by some dude post-coitus after out-kicking his coverage by a good 30 yards.

…Screwed
So cliche. So lewd. And too ambiguous. Screwing someone more times than not means you did someone dirty in a bad way. Not the good kind of way when one is on their back, all fours or a swing set (that’s for another post).

…Wrecked
Not only did you do it right, but you might have rendered someone’s genitals obsolete for a little bit. Win’s all around.

…Hammered
Most people get down while drunk anyway. Why not have drunken terms and sex terms intersect. Get me a venn diagram.

…Demolished
One step above wrecked. Demolished sounds like apocalyptic stuff. Like you’ve crushed the puss and left it un-liveable for future generations.

…Mashed
Doing it so well that you’ve altered the physical appearance. Like a kid with Play-Do.

…Boffed
Heard this for the first time in forever when I bought “Risky Business” on DVD. Sounds like a mix of regular and back door business.

…Diddled
I like to limit this one to digital penetration (finger blasting) but it’s such a funny word. Like something the Muppets conjured up.

…Fiddled
I’m sure the Charlie Daniels Band is a fan of this terminology. I’m sure that Georgia wasn’t the only place the devil went down to…

…Mounted
When you’re done awkwardly using the term “mount” to talk about sex, I’m sure a curator at the local art museum could use some help hanging a painting.

…Plugged
Circle in a round peg action.

…Poked
This is fine as long as you don’t giggle like the Pillburry Dough Boy. If you do that, I’m out. In more ways than one.

…Rammed
Also known as steroid sex. Don’t juice and jam, folks.

…Slammed
Concussion, torn knee ligaments and spinal adjustments are all the result of 24/7 slamming. Have your insurance cards on stand-by.

…Went To Pound Town
Fantastic. A nice bit of nostalgia since this one was of frequent usage from year’s 2-4 of my college experience.

©2006 Twentieth Century Fox ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

…Rogered
Sure, why not. On the flip side, to “Clemens” someone is to consistently deny doing someone less than desirable even though evidence is overwhelmingly not in your favor.

…Porked
Pig products and sex. Better than “rining” someone I guess.

…Forked
A man tries to explain to his suspicious wife that he didn’t f*** his secretary and, fumbling around for an explanation, says he FORKED her after seeing a plastic utensil on his desk. This has bad sitcom premise written all over it.

…Pile-drived
Only acceptable if once done, you fold her hands over her chest and roll your eyes back like the Undertaker.

…Shagged
The British import that I suppose made “The Office” possible.

©2010 Getty Images

…Bagged
It’s not quality. It’s quantity. Write that down.

It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia Season 6 Premieres Tonight!

Ever sit around with your friends at a bar and think your racist / misogynistic / politically incorrect banter would make for good television? Well, while you’re trying to decipher the TV show ideas you wrote on the napkin you left in your now laundered jeans, you can live vicariously through the crew of the hilarious show “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”. The sixth season is set to premiere tonight (9/16) on FX and since each fan likes to peg a member of their own crew as someone in the Paddy’s Crew (face it, we all have a useless chick), let’s look at best and, for lack of a better term, brightest moments from each character. Let’s ride, bitches!

Dennis: Self-appointed Leader, Undisputed King of Dicks

Demonstrate value, Engage physically, Nurture dependence...

Dennis Reynolds is about as self-involved and bro-tastic as it gets in regards to television characters. And only on television can those characteristics be amusing. There’s a lot to choose from in the Dennis Reynolds Hall of Awesome but I think we can all agree that the man outdid himself when he created a full proof plan to scoring “strange”:

The D.E.N.N.I.S. System

A lot of us probably use the D.E.N.N.I.S. System; we just aren’t dick enough to spell it out the way Mr. Reynolds does or we don’t have a television show to express said ideas.

Also worth checking out: Dennis Reynolds: An Erotic Life, The Gang Reignites the Rivalry, The Gang Runs for Office.

Mac: Resident Badass, Banger of Old Ladies & Trannys

I'm calling people, "Bozo" now. That's my new thing.

Imagine the big, giant teddy bear that wouldn’t hurt a fly. Now imagine him about 6 inches shorter and looking like a Jersey Shore season 3 reject. Only, he’s not the least bit intimidating. That’s Mac. Mac pretends he’s “hard” (insert your own joke), but deep down he seeks approval from others. The results? Hilarity. The best example, in this writers opinion, is Mac is a Serial Killer The title is self-explanatory. Thank me later.

Check out: Mac Bangs Dennis’ Mom, The World Series Defense.

Sweet Dee: The Useless Chick

Desert Rose? Is that you?

It’s one thing to be a dick to the girl that’s always around. Many a dude is guilty of this. I’m guilty of this. I’m sure the chick all the apostles wanted to bang back in biblical times got her fair share of dickish behavior. That’s Sweet Dee: a tall, bird-like punching bag. Dee is at her best when she’s wasted drunk and throwing herself at random people. Or….no that’s pretty much it. Aside from that, she also does bang up work in The Gang Exploits the Mortgage Crisis.

For further viewing: Dee and Dennis Go on Welfare, Sweet Dee Dates a Retarded Person.

Frank: The Absolute Mess

I got good news! Your mother is dead -- ha!

Frank wasn’t supposed to be a part of the crew. He was a negligent father who did what any self respecting man of sound XY chromosomes would do: he used his money to convince his kids’ friends how cool he was and forced his way into the group. And it’s been debauchery and benders ever since. Take the oldest dude you know who is trying to extend his mid-life crisis and multiply it by 1000. That’s how utterly out of his mind Frank Reynolds is. Frank’s spotlight: The Gang Gives Frank an Intervention. Danny DeVito has made a habit of, as far as we know, showing up drunk on television. That’s kind of the direction he was going with this one. Just with canned wine.

Charlie: Bearded Infant-Teenager

WILD CARD!

For those confused by the post-colon description, Charlie is one step below a man-child. He also might be the single most hilarious person on television. Charlie is the bear you poke ‘cuz you know he’ll continue to lose his mind rather than hurt you. When his voice goes to an octave only heard by teenage girls scalded with hot water in the shower, you know it’s party time. Charlie is at his best in the episode Bums: Making a Mess All Over the City. If you think you’ve seen a funny interpretation of Al Pacino as “Serpico”, you’re probably wrong. Check that. You’re DEFINITELY wrong.

See: Paddy’s Pub: Home of the Original Kitten Mittens, any other episode that Charlie is prominently featured in.

Don’t forget to check out these Always Sunny related posts on COED:
The 20 Best (Or Worst) Dayman Covers

The 10 Best Bros on Television

The D.E.N.N.I.S. System At Work

5 Reasons We Think Hasselhoff is the Greatest Man Alive

If there was a gun to my head, I’d say the Hoff is right up there with some of the greatest men int he history of the world.  He has significantly changed the way in which we live our everyday lives. And since he got ripped a new pooper on his Comedy Central Roast, let me show you just why the Hoff has made life so awesome.

5. The video

Not really too much you can say about this one. Hoff gave his kids leeway to video tape him if he ever fell off the wagon (raise your hand if you actually knew he was on the wagon). Now having lived the college life of depraved debauchery, I look at this footage and I don’t really see someone crying for help. People getting blackout drunk is nothing new. It’s nothing good, but it’s also nothing new. My question is this: who screwed the pooch by letting the Hoff get into the Jagermeister. I know it’s German and, thus, Hoff probably figured that the drink itself would revere him so much that it wouldn’t dare let him get tipsy. But still. Bad form. Nonetheless, Hoff proved that every man should cover his tracks. Even if it means letting your teenage daughters catch you on film slumming.

4. His music

Don’t you love it when music means something? And I’m sure there is some deep thinking behind that German house music that uses throat clears, sniffles and spits as song lyrics. That kind of jive might get your feet tapping on the Munich dance floors, but the Hoff sung about a universal message that we can all hit our wagon to: FREEDOM. What’s he talking about? He’s talking about freedom. Before George Michael released his own version with a music video full of models that we now know he WASN’T banging, the Hoff just wanted to talk about equality, human rights, and all that feel-good stuff. That’s a humanitarian.

3. Knight Rider

I can imagine how this show was created. I see a 33 year-old tv writer father puffing a jay and watching his toddler son play with his Micro Machine cars. All of a sudden, in his stoned wisdom, he says, “What if (puff, puff, pufffffffffffffff)a car talked…and the guy driving could talk BACK? (puffffffffffff, looks at his son) This is you and daddy’s secret, okay?” It doesn’t really matter how this whole thing got created. All that matters is that the Hoff and that damn car might have been a better 80′s duo than Magic and Kareem.

2. A little thing called the BERLIN WALL

Say what you want about the thawing of the Cold War and the winds of change. But we all know who knocked down the Berlin Wall. I’ll give you hint: this post is about David Hasselhoff SO it was probably David Hasselhoff. If you need proof, just look up the now infamous celebration video of East and West Germans celebrating and taking whatever they can to knock down the structure bit by bit. Who was up there singing the aforementioned “Freedom”. No matter what you think of Germany (good beer), this was an important feat by the Hoff. If you didn’t think the guy was super human before, you have to at least respect the fact that he saved a part of the Eastern Hemisphere. Any other person would consider this their crowning achievement. But then that would be short changing…

1. BAYWATCH

All hail David Hasselhoff: the Larry Flynt of syndicated, soft-core porn. If you think about all the nice eye candy that has suited up in one of those red one pieces, the first thing you should think of once your pants loosen up is that this was all made possible by the Hoff, who turned it into a juggernaut, emphasis on the jugs. And when he was successful with that, he spun it off into “Baywatch Nights”, a move that would probably fill up an entirely separate post if I had time and permission. Anyway, the entire “Baywatch” franchise (including the boobs) was the baby of Hasselhoff. So when I make my eventual foray into a B-movie screenwriting career, you can rest assured that the Hoff has a standing invitation to come on set and do something outlandish and awesome. Or just outlandishly awesome.

5 Signs That Tonight’s Date Will Lead To Sex

Dating. It means different things to different people. There’s traditional type dating (or courting as my 82 year-old grandmother calls it) and then there’s the more modern version of it — maybe a couple of dinners but mostly hanging at a bar/someone’s house until the good stuff happens. But no matter what school of thought you belong to in terms of dating, the signs that things are going good/bad remain constant. You don’t need to be an expert to figure them out. You just need to have two eyes and second grade common sense. Here’s a refresher course.

5. Little to no awkward pauses

“Good personality” is a long accepted code for not too good of a looker. I find that corollary pretty hilarious but it doesn’t change the fact that in order for you to continue being interested in someone, they have to come off as, wait for it, INTERESTING. Long pauses don’t usually lead the way to that. Pauses are painful and they give too much time to dig around in your own head. That’s bad news, folks. The only prolonged silence that is acceptable in a date is you listening to your partner or vice versa. But if the quiet outweighs the chatter, then you have a problem. At the very least, start talking about your pet. Even if you don’t have one. Unless you’re dead inside, everyone loves a pet story.

4. Consistent phone silencing

This goes hand in hand with the whole being interesting thing. If you got your date sitting on the edge of their seat, phone calls, texts and all of that jazz get set aside. Playing too much with your phone is usually the first sign that you’re losing someone. And that goes for anything from dates to large lecture halls. Unless they are dealing with a matter of the utmost urgency, a good date has minimal mobile phone interruption. But not now. If you can keep the the eyes manual and not mobile, consider yourself on the right path.

3. Flex scheduling

Stay with me on this one. The meal is winding down or the bar is nearing last call. Then the question comes up: What are you doing now? This convo can go one of two ways:

Option 1 - Your date: I have to… wash my hair/get up early for work/pick up my friend/charge the batteries in my vibrator or check my favorite porn site for updates.

Option 2 - Your date: Uh nothing now…(run hand through hair/fumble in your pockets) wanna do something?

Now, I obviously shouldn’t have to spell out which reaction you should shoot for. In big person land, this is what we call “a night cap” or “after bars” or “being in there like swim wear”. Basically, you made a decent enough impression where your companion doesn’t think of you as a deplorable douche faucet. So you have that to improve on. At this point you are, as my friend likes to say, “playing with house money”. I’m pretty sure that’s what he means by it, anyway.

2. Mind the malt level

If you have somehow made it past the crucial third sign, it’s time to keep your head on a swivel. It’s all about reading signs and how hard someone boozes is something that should not be disregarded. Believe it or not, people sometimes slam drinks in order to ease awkwardness (who knew?!). Anywho, if the beverage is getting nursed, that means that things are either going so-so or swimmingly. If you’re into someone, what’s the fun of being the heaping pile of drunk sauce if you’re alone? That’s right. It’s not fun. At least in my experience, it’s the exact opposite of fun (someone look up that word for me). So plan, or in this case, drink accordingly.

1. “Wanna bang?”

Being tactful and incisive is all well and good but nothing beats not beating around the bush. The way you take this really depends on the way you see the world. If you feel that life is a “marathon and not a sprint”, “patience is a virtue” and “good things come to those who wait” then you, obviously, buy into cliches and probably need to engage in more original thoughts like “s&*% happens when you party naked.” For the rest of us, a generation who puts a lot of stock in instant gratification, this question is great. You know where you stand. Clearly if the night takes this turn, you did something right with someone who knows what they want. Or you’ve just shared an evening with someone that clearly has no sense of self-worth. I call that a win-win situation.

5 Ways to Tell You’re Not Even Remotely Funny

A wise man once said that there’s “funny ha-ha” and “funny uh-oh”. Well what about “funny no-no”? Translation: what if you’re about as funny as AIDS? Or AIDS on the day that you’re supposed to get your appendix taken out. I know that’s probably not at all possible but you get where I’m headed with this. Some (like myself) have made humor a gender issue but that’s just not the case. The fact is that comedy has been so saturated that sometimes we mistake dumb for funny. That’s not so. Here’s five ways to tell if someone just doesn’t bring the hilarious on the regular.

1. Over-reliance on obscenity
Every fourth or fifth word out of my mouth is the ‘f-word’, ‘s-word’ or a reference to my genitalia. So I’m not an altar boy or anything. But there’s something to be said for subtlety in comedy. Bill Cosby didn’t just make his fortune from Jello commercials and convesation’s with 3-5 year olds. Bill talked about his everyday life with little to no controversial language and he still had people in the aisles on the verge of wetting themselves. So ration your profanity. Otherwise you’re just another potty mouth douche nozzle.

2. Someone else is always the a-hole
It’s fun to poke fun. That’s why they added the “fun” part to the end of the phrase. But do it too much and it borders on mean-spirited. Nothing is more unfunny than taking yourself too seriously. Funny people, and even the incredibly lame, can find humor in their own lives. Dish it out all you want to but you just better be ready to take it back and then roll with it. After all, what are you trying to maintain? A brand. Who the hell actually does that? Oh, right. This guy.

3. Too much explanation
The human brain is equipped to store concise pieces of information. That’s why phone numbers are seven digits long and mnemonic devices work so well. Long jokes? Not going to vibe with your audience. If you notice eyes wandering and drinks getting chugged, then you need to cut it short. No one wants to have humor explained to them. Either the person is going to crack up at the lack of tact or leave half the people confused while the other, possibly more “high brow” consumers, will laugh at how much smarter they are than everyone else. Either way, wrap the funny up. I’ll put it this way, if you’re comedic stylings are anywhere in the neighborhood of Monday Night Football Hall of Shamer, Dennis Miller, then you fall into this category. Go take a beer bong and stop paraphrasing Plato or trying to find parallel’s between Winston Churchill and Joe Schmo’s Mafia War’s battle plan.

4. Reeking of Schtick
Gimmick’s only work for failing sports team’s and professional wrestling. And only one of those things is actually cool (obviously professional wrestling). What is schtick? Heavy movie quoting (guilty), impersonation overload (Frank Caliendo), etc. Oh and puppets and ventriloquist. Those. Are. The. Worst. People try to be the Muppets and that’s just not possible because the Muppets rule all of our lives. If you want to see funny, check out that Fozzy Bear. Dude is a RIOT. If clever, G-rated Muppet humor isn’t for you, check out Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. If you needed further proof of Conan O’Brien’s genius, look at Triumph. Otherwise schtick is just bad for everyone involved. These things are good when sprinkled in and used sparingly. But if it is all you have…let’s just say you’d be a hit with Jay Leno.

5. You either are or you enjoy Dane Cook
This really goes without saying but allow me to elaborate. If you skipped the links above, then know that Dane Cook is about as funny as an anthrax outbreak in a nursing home. And if you haven’t heard his routine, consider yourself lucky. But know that he must be pretty bad if he runs neck and neck with Kathy Griffin. For all you non-sadists out there, that means he is horrifically unfunny. Everyone knows at least one well-intentioned, yet obnoxious, asshat. And that’s Mr. Cook to a tee. If you are a former Burger King employee who hates the fact that you used to work there, you hate it a little more since you know that it gives you something in common with Dane Cook. Same goes for some residents of the state of Massachussetts, most hair product users and a lot of graphic t-shirts wearers (as I take off my own shirt and set a small fire). Dane Cook is comedy’s form of chalkboard scratching–it hurts to listen to and you wonder what kind of sick piece of work would subject ears to this kind of torment. Well there are two answers to that question: pissy teachers and douchebags. Thank you SO much, Dane Cook. (drops the mic and walks away backwards).

The 8 Places You Lost Your V-Card (and What It Says About You)

When it pertains to losing that precious V-card (which ranks closely behind your ATM, SSN, Driver’s license, and Sam’s Card) two question’s always come up: who was it and how old were you. If your girl had a weird name, questionable hygiene, or was just flat out sketchy, she’ll be blamed for all your sexual issues for the rest of your life. But what about WHERE you did the deed for the first time? Odd locales aren’t just for the seasoned sinner. In fact, if your first time was in a pretty memorable place, that could almost trump the fact that the event happened with someone you’d just as soon forget.

1. A bedroom

You’re practical, traditional and by the book. In nice person speak, that means you’re a big, dull DUD. Just kidding. You have a perfectly normal sex life and are a very well-adjusted adult. You pay your bills on time, you call your landlord when the pipes bust in your apartment, and you do your laundry every 10-15 days. See that sticker on the front glass of your car that tells you when you should be due for your next oil change? Fast forward to that date and BOOM: you’re there. I’m running out of ways to describe your logic so take it for what it’s worth.

2. A car

You’re a bit of an impulsive exhibitionist with a devil may care attitude. If the moment strikes you to do something, it’s safe to say that you won’t be stopped until the damn thing is done. Like banging in a car. Unfortunately this may also mean that you are a generally filthy bastard. Cars are germy and the average driver probably doesn’t take care of the inside of their car as well as they do the outside. See those rims, window tints and pimping your ride? Take those back and invest in some baby wipes, air freshener’s and then save some quarters to vacuum your mats. So fresh, so clean and so much less likely to catch E. Coli or Swine Flu that’s floating around you or your spouses car.

3. Parent’s bedroom

Daddy issues, daddy issues, and more daddy issues. Daddy issues usually go hand in hand with crazy broads but not always. Guys have their own ways to rebel against their pops. And getting that maiden schthup off in the same bed that your dad rests his head after a day of ball busting and all-around prickishness is just the way to really stick it to the old man. If your dad is riding your ass about anything ranging from being a wayward, directionless little shit to forgetting to clean up a lone Ramen Noodle on the kitchen counter, nothing is going to soothe your soul like getting unholy for the first time on your dad’s side of the bed. Even if it isn’t your first time, you can pretend it is and then rub his face in it like you did.

4. The wooded area behind your house

You’re one with nature and think that Mother Nature is the greatest natural resource that we have. At least that’s what you tell yourself. Because if you knew Mother Nature at all, you’d know that the last thing that she wants to see is your naked rear end, your “O” face that could double as a “diarrhea struggle grimace,” and a rogue condom on her floor. You’re a green hipster in practice but not necessarily in execution. You are oblivious to bug bites, poison ivy, and don’t mind doing doggy style in front of, you know, dogs.

5. In space

You’re a planner. And while that’s usually a bad thing, in this case it provides you with an epic trump card. Space sex is the dream of any man. But when you blast off into the sex universe with an other worldly first time, you’ve essentially topped the biggest story topper you know. It felt like you were walking on air after your first time? Well I was ACTUALLY floating on air during my first time. Suck on that.

6. At school

This either went down one of two ways: you convinced your significant other that this was the perfect moment and figured that relieving some tension before the big game against “Central” would ultimately help your performance. Or it was a late night of studying with that best friend that sometimes gives you wowsers in your trousers. And instead of studying and after an impromptu detour into discussing your lifelong relationship, as opposed to the Magna Carta, you end up awkwardly writhing on the big table in the reference section. The point being that if school wasn’t lame enough, it will be double that knowing that you lost the v-card in school. Time to start registering for the GED, I guess.

7. An office building

You have a some meetings with human resources in your future. And a sexual harassment seminar. And a shrink.

8. A barn

You’re probably a redneck…and it was probably your sister.

Remembering Megan Fox Boycott Day

Main drawback of blogging: over-saturation. Exhibit’s A, 2, and D would be an internet wide boycott of A-list dime piece Megan Fox. A batch of male-oriented websites decided that August 4, 2009 would get its Pearl Harbor on and live in infamy as “Megan Fox Boycott Day”. The intent was good–as fine as she is, Megan seems to get entirely too much ink at times. So on the surface, the boycott was warranted. But we believe in free will and all that jazz here at COED and decided to blaze the trail. A BOYCOTT of the Megan Fox Boycott. So today we celebrate that historic day and also point out that we’re still waiting on that sympathy make-out her PR people promised us for mounting the anti-boycott stand.

Some links you may enjoy…

• Megan Fox Wears See-Through Dress

• Megan Fox Waking Up In Her Underwear [Video]

The Geeky (and Proven) Method to Picking Up Chicks

Everything in the world can technically be explained by science . Even something as simple as trying to pick up a good looking broad. Now I’m no fan of math but even I could understand this simple numbers game . The more they drink, the better you look. Inebriation + dedication can equal fornication. Eight drinks is the magic number for most men to be able to woo ladies so that things like this look really cool. So if you ever sat through math thinking “I’m never going to need this”…well you’re right. Everything past first grade was a total waste.

Click here to check out the Geeky Method to Picking Up Chicks

The 10 Best Bros on Television

The bro movement. For better or worse (WORSE), it’s here to stay. I mean when something as ridiculous as bros icing bros has become a trend among grown men, you have to fear for our young people. That’s why television is a great escape. Because if you think real life bro’s are humorous, broadcast bro’s are even better. They’re colorful, they’re exaggerated, and they almost always have some kind of redeeming qualities. This bro bundle has all of that IN SPADES.

10. Phil Dunphy in Modern Family

On the spectrum of bro father’s…screw it. I can already tell this metaphor is headed for the John. Phil Dunphy makes lame jokes and uses the word “clutch” as a 40 year old father of three. I bet when his son turns 18, he’ll bust out the Delta Iota Kappa paddle and initiate him into the Fraternity of Life. He’ll call him “brah” and tell him to be “chill”. Fellas, if you want to extend your bro qualities into your twilight years in a graceful manner, tune into ABC at 9/8 central on Wednesday’s and check out Phil. He’ll show you the light.

9. Jeff Winger in Community

Bro’s are born in college. In this guy’s case, he lied about going to college, became a successful lawyer, got dis-barred, and then went back to college to rediscover his inner bro. Jeff is the self-righteous and proudly detached leader of his Spanish study group. He drops lame pick-up lines and tries to talk his way out of most any situation. Sound like the everyday 21st century male? Perhaps. But most men today (myself included) has some “bro” in them. Plus, Jeff Winger just sounds like a bro’s name. What the name ‘Rasheed Ali’ is to a Muslim, the name Jeff Winger is to bro’s. Congrats, Jeff. You’re an archetype. Nice show, by the way.

8. Hank Moody in Californication

The literary bro on this list. When Moody isn’t raising his daughter, teaching college English, writing books, or getting high, he’s engaging in his favorite pastime: banging chicks. Hank is a man of roughly 40 who uses fairly modern jargon in his everyday life. Plus he goes through most of his day aided by some sort of controlled substance. He lives the college life while patrolling the the Venice boardwalk for trim. There’s not much more to the happiness equation than that. You know, unless you aren’t into that sort of thing.

7. Puck in Glee

I’ll wait for all of you snickering at the mention of Glee to stop mumbling/quit reading this list. Okay, now that those a-holes are done, let it be known that Puck was second to Tom Haverford in the 2009 Breakout Bro category. It was hard to judge when you look at his qualifications: he sings, he dances, he’s a jock, an unapologetic dick, and he rocks the bro-hawk. His real name is Noah Puckerman so he shortened it. Ding! With his show guaranteed at least two more seasons, I’m pretty sure he’ll only do more to beef up his busting bro-dentials.

6. Andy Bernard in The Office

Another person on this list who has a well-documented nickname: The ‘Nard Dog. That’s just glorious. That alone is a bro-mendous achievement. Bernard first came to Scranton as a brown nosing, acapella-singing, social climber. The Office’s version of Eddie Haskell if you will. But as seasons passed, Bernard’s bro tendencies have been balanced out with a healthy dose of good nature. Most bro’s, at their core, just want people to like them. And that’s really the only thing that the Cornell alum was guilty of in this office. Well that, and ruining “The Rainbow Connection” in Pig Latin.

5. Tom Haverford in Parks and Recreation

Most of this is due to the fact that Azis Ansari is hilarious in just about everything he does. And his role in a vastly improved second season of Parks and Rec is no exception. Tom is Pawnee, Indiana’s resident “he-bro.” He’s inappropriate around the ladies about 85 percent of the time, and uses smooth tracks from Justin Timberlake and Boyz II Men to woo them (although that’s not really so much “bro-tastic” as it is awesome). Best part about Tom Haverford: his real name is some Indian name that is so difficult to pronounce that he changed it to Tom Haverford in order to be more appealing politically. Leave it to a bro to anoint himself with a nickname.

4. Johnny Drama in Entourage

While Barney Stinson may have surpassed him, Johnny Drama was a 21st century pioneer of sorts. Not only did he make it feasible/popular for Guido Chic to be shown outside the Jersey Shore, but he successfully toed the line between everyday douchebag and well intentioned guy. Underneath the wife beater, track pants, and excess hair products (a bro-trifecta if there ever was one), was a dedicated thespian. And as the oldest and douchiest of the “Entourage” crew (depending on how you felt about Turtle) he undoubtedly takes the most guff. VICTORY!

3. Dennis Reynolds in It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Think of every reprehensible characteristic that a “bro-ish” guy can exude. Arrogance, third person references, etc. Dennis Reynolds has all of these. As the self-appointed leader of the television’s most hilarious crew, Dennis prides himself on his “chiseled good looks and Kennedy hair” as well as a well maintained upper torso. He also uses the word “bro” more than probably anyone else on this list. The unique thing about Dennis is that while others on this list have a clear, redeemable personality trait, Dennis does not. If he were a real person, the only thing that would make him tolerable is the fact that his friends are awesome. Get me a beer and sit me next to the Paddy’s Pub crew and I’ll tolerate Dennis as well.

2. Don Draper in  Mad Men

Don Draper is a bro in 21st century lingo, but back in the ’60′s, the time in which his critically acclaimed show is taking place, he’s hip and normal. Only a real d-bag, in today’s world of medical awareness and political correctness, would drink scotch at work and continually try to nail women who aren’t his wife. But he can’t help it. He’s a man. And he’s a successful man so we can’t really say too much to him. Draper is a bro forefather for a guy like Barney. And if you’re looking for a silver lining for Draper it’s this: ignorance. It was the ’60′s and nobody knew any better. In fact, if TV Land is one big incestuous pool, who’s to say that Don Draper isn’t Barney Stinson’s long lost father? You know…if the Bob Barker thing falls through.

1. Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother

In terms of bro-tastic television behavior, the Barnicle is Pujols, Manning, and LeBron (or Kobe) all rolled into one. He gets more ass than a diner booth at 2 a.m., he wears suits, plays laser tag and he pulls off catch phrases such as “awesome”, “legendary,” and the “what up” with such bravado that you forget how lame it would sound coming from you. Think of the worst thing you’ve done to a lady, multiply it by 1100, and then double that and you’ll get an idea of how badly Barney treats the ladies. But you can’t really be mad about it because it’s hilarious and he does, more times than not, come through for his friends in the clutch.

Ranking the 286 “Greenest” Colleges

Do you hug trees? Pick up litter on campus? Drive a hybrid bike? Well good for you. College campus’ tend to lean on the liberal side anyway so it seems like ranking something Green Colleges seems pretty redundant. Still as douchey as you might feel, helping out the planet has its advantages. Having a soft spot for Mother Earth opens up certain avenues to you. Social consciousness really greases the wheels for low self-esteem and basically is one of life’s most underrated aphrodisiacs. So even if you can’t get on board with the environmental thing, try to find some sort of silver lining.

Click here the 286 Greenest Colleges

Harrison Ford Facial Generator

Harrison Ford is a Hollywood institution. He played Indiana Jones, banged Princess Leia, and spoke wookie. He’s a credit to men everywhere. And part of his badassery is the fact that he can pretty much bitch slap you with his focused, steely glare. Not only did that testicle tearing stare scare the bad guys, but it might have scared success away from his co-stars. Needless to say, a Harrison Ford staredown is nothing to be trifled with. Many have tried to re-create it but only he can sell it. In fact, it probably wouldn’t be a bad thing if he implemented it more in his everyday life.