9 Great Songs to Listen to When You’re High

If smoking does not put you in the perfect emotional state already, then there are songs specifically made for people just like you. Rappers and mostly any musician of the 1970′s smoked a lot of weed when they were making their  music. So they know what it’s like when you have that deep yearning for a sound in your life that you need to be hearing at that moment. These are songs by potheads made for potheads. They’re  intended to entertain as well as give the stoner an even better reason to keep their high strong and their head in the clouds.

1. Jimi Hendrix-All Along the Watchtower

If you didn’t know already, Jimi Hendrix is kind of a legend when it comes to singing, playing/setting a guitar on fire, and smoking the sweet chiba. Plus he looked like the coolest stoner you could ever meet.

He has many songs dedicated to the art of smoking marijuana and all you need to do is put any one of his album’s on random and you will find a song that relates to some sort of drug.

Unfortunately we lost Mr. Hendrix way too early, as well as so many other ’60′s pot legends, to hear any new songs produced. Although Hendrix’s career only lasted seven years, his legacy still lives on in the hearts and minds of everyone — and most of all the lungs of every pothead just like him.

There are countless songs by Hendrix you could listen to while sober/intoxicated, but there are none better than All Along the Watchtower.

It has a real 1960′s vibe and sound to it that just puts your mind at ease and bring’s you on a real trip. Of course the instrumentals is nothing less than amazing and saying Hendrix was high when he made this is the understatement of the century.

2. Gorilla Zoe and Lil’ Wayne-Lost

I’m not too sure of Gorilla Zoe’s status on marijuana. But we all know Lil’ Wayne’s and according to every song ever made by him, he likes weed among many other drugs and alcoholic beverages mixed with cough medicine. No matter of that though because Gorilla Zoe and the trippy production makes this song.It’s hard just to decipher the meaning of the song.

All we know is that Zoe is lost on the road and doesn’t know where to go. It’s your job as a professional stoner to decipher the message that these two are sending. Could it be that they’re lost on a wild trip? Could they be lost in life? Or could they just be lost and need directions on a road since they’re probably stoned out of their minds.

3. Sublime-Smoke Two Joints

Just look at the name. There’s nothing to hide here in this song title. They smoke two joints in the day, two joints at night, in times of peace, and in times of war. Hell, they smoked two joints before they smoked two joints, which they then followed up by smoking two more joints.You have to love the Reefer Madness clip at the beginning too, who doesn’t love smoking a marijuana cigarette?

 

They have a penchant for smoking joints and encourage all of their many listeners to smoke joints as well and we here at Coed think that is just fine. They aren’t the same Sublime we used to know of, but I can guarantee that they are still smoking two joints and listening to their own songs.

4. Bone Thugs-n-Harmony

Let’s get thing’s straight, this is the stonedest group of rappers since weed came to Hightown. Every song is the same damn thing and it doesn’t even matter because each song is better than the last. First of the month is no different as it’s about that special time in everyone’s life when you get that opportunity to freely smoke marijuana without worry of it showing up on any test’s. They even say plain and simple, “smoke a lot of weed on the first.”

A great song to relax and help clear your head of bad thought’s and stress and fill it with marijuana smoke instead. Any Bone Thug’s song will do, but if you’ve been stressed out a lot, then this is the song for you.

5. Pink Floyd-Comfortably Numb

I’m pretty sure that the members of Pink Floyd know a thing of two about getting high in some sort of fashion. These guy’s were so trippy and creative that they are the group to listen to for every stoner. If there was a pothead mixtape, at least half of the songs would be by Pink Floyd. They’d also be featured on the acid mixtape and the why the fuck are the walls melting mixtape. They even made a movie called “The Wall” where you had to be on acid to even understand what was going on. Take one look at the poster above and tell me what that means. Take some acid and tell me in half an hour how the hammers somehow represent oppression and greed.

6. Outkast-Anything off of the ATLiens album.

Outkast is one of the greatest rap groups of all time because of their variety. They can rap about the gangster life, love and relationships, being fresh and clean, and even marijuana. Yeah, rappers talking about marijuana, I can’t believe it either. Each of their albums is  fantastic because they offer a plethora of great songs to listen to while you’re high or sober. But if you’re high and want to hear a good Outkast album, look no further than ATLiens. Wheels of Steel. ATLiens. E.T. All very fine choices, but there is no better song to listen to than Elevators. Put this on and you, me, your momma, and your cousin too will all love the sound of this smooth rap with very interesting vocals and a simple beat that only complement’s your high oh so well.

14 Dumbest Rap Lyrics of All Time

Rappers all say or do pretty stupid things at times. Take a look at the picture above and that’s idiocy in a nutshell. Millions of dollars are going out to these performers who come up with the gems we are about to discuss.  While at first you may think to yourself, “wow I love this song.” You soon start to ask yourself “but what the heck is he talking about?” We have listened to rap music for 30 years now and have narrowed the worst lyrics down to 14 biggest offenders.

1. G-Unit, T.O.S.

Unit! Who, who, who, who, who, who want it?
Who, who, who, who, who, who want it?
Which gangsta want it? (WHAT?) Which rapper want it? (WHAT?)
Which trapper want it? My house is haunted

Turns out the hood isn’t threatening because of gangsters and people who ” bust caps” as they say, but because of Tony Yayo’s house of ghosts and ghouls. Honestly though, who wants it and what is it?

2. Drake ft. Lil Wayne-Unstoppable

My name is Weezy
I’m almost perfect
And I work harder than hard working.

Lil’ Wayne works so hard that he works harder than hard work. The rap business is truly hard considering all the marijuana smoking, hoe getting, and millions of dollars rolling in. Must really stress you out.

3. Lil Wayne ft. Young Money-Every Girl

I exchange V cards with the retards.

Mack Maine, not only am I sure this is illegal, but I believe it is also frowned upon to fornicate with the mentally challenged. Stick to rapping about money, weed, and bitches — which is really the only thing rappers rap about these days anyway.

4. Young Dro-Shoulder Lean

Hood n!$$@from Bankhead, I stay by Grandma Nana
I lay by my banana, dumpin’ and punkin’ monkeys

It is never allowed to talk about your grandma and having sex, or “punkin’ monkeys” in this case, in the same bar. I am not exactly sure how you lay by your banana either. I’m guessing banana means penis, so I’m going to need an explanation for that one.

5. Yung Joc ft. Gorilla Zoe-Coffeeshop

I got so many whips, they call me whippolicious.

If somebody ever called me whippolicious, I think I’d punch him in the face. Not because it means I have so many ‘whips’, but because I would have no idea what that means without a very specific explanation. Anything from a guy named Gorilla Zoe though, I really shouldn’t expect much.

6. DMX-Where the Hood at

(a)I beat my dick and bust off in ya eye so you can see me comin/cumin

(b)Last I heard, y’all n@#%#$ was havin sex, with the SAME sex

Same song, same result. This is just gay. Arf, arf, arf.

7. Puff Daddy ft. Ma$e-Can’t nobody hold me down.

You name it, I could claim it
Young, black, and famous, with money hangin’ out the anus

If I was Ma$e and I had money hanging out of my anus, I’d consult a doctor very quickly…unless this is what he intended to do.

8. Kanye West ft. Young Jeezy-Amazing

Standing at my podium
I’m trying watch my sodium

Nothing amazing about this, Young Jeezy isn’t trying to impress anyone here as this is what we call a “filler.” Or maybe, Jeezy does want to watch his sodium levels when he’s giving a speech about being amazing. I guess.

9. Gucci Mane-Every Gucci Mane song or appearance ever.

Brr!

Gucci Mane is so cold from his ridiculous looking Bart Simpson chain that he has to say how cold he is in every song he’s been in. I too am icy, but it could be because I left a window open, BRR!

XXX

10. Rick Ross ft. T-Pain, Kanye West, and Lil’ Wayne

All Black, Maybach I’m sittin’ in the asshole

No comment. Continue to sit in your asshole and work hard Lil’ Wayne.

11. Soulja Boy ft. Jim Jones, Young Jeezy, Fabolous, and Lil’ Wayne

Dunkin’ on the game like Stephon Marbury.
I got red Aston Martin, I call it my strawberry

Really? Stephon Marbury? Stephon Marbury dunking? I’m a huge basketball fan and I have yet to see Stephon Marbury dunk. Of all the players in the league and Soulja Boy pulls out Stephon Marbury? A guy who doesn’t even play in the league anymore because he was too much of an ass is mentioned as a dunker. I shouldn’t be surprised considering it was from Soulja Boy, but c’mon there are so many better choices.

12. Lil’ Wayne ft. Juelz Santana-Black Republicans Remix

Rock star, flier than an ostrich

Penguin would have been acceptable too, Mr. Santana. I also am flier than a flightless bird.

13. Oj da Juiceman-I’m gettin’ money.

Weather man report it was snowing for the summer

plus I got those thangs going for a good numba movin in a grand prix same color as thunder.

That must be an interesting color for a Grand Prix considering thunder is a noise.

14. Slim ft. Yung Joc-So fly

I got gmail respect the g code.

What does Yung Joc think the G stands for exactly?

With every new song that comes out, we experience the possibility of another terrible lyric bestowed upon us. It might hurt our ears at first, but after a while you learn to laugh at just how bad it is and then you become sad because the person who dunks on the game like Stephon Marbury just got the newest Bentley.

10 Best Episodes of The Simpsons Ever

When it comes to staying on the television airwaves, nobody does it better than The Simpsons. The show started out in 1987 as an animated short on The Tracey Ullman Show and 457 episodes and 21 seasons later, The Simpsons has become America’s longest running sitcom. Over the past two decades, The Simpsons have influenced  all of our lives in some way — including the fact that we all use d’oh as part of our daily vocabulary.

1. Stark Raving Dad. Original Airdate: September 19, 1991.

This episode, better known as the Michael Jackson episode, features one of the more hilarious moments of Homer Simpson’s life. He arrives to the Nuclear Power Plant in a pink shirt, is deemed a free-thinking anarchist, and is therefore sent to a mental asylum. His roommate is a giant, white (yellow?) bald man who is convinced he is the real Michael Jackson. Many people didn’t know that it was the actual Jackson that did the voice for Leon Kompowski. The impersonator’s real name was seen on the credits as John Jay Smith.

Memorable quote:

Homer: How do you do that thing with your feet?
Leon: You mean the moonwalk?
Homer: No! That thing with your feet!

2. Hurricane Neddy. Original Airdate: December 29, 1996.

Over the first eight seasons, we all grew to love the Simpsons neighborino, Ned Flanders. His bright outlook on life gave Homer fits and his born-again attitude gave us all something to believe in. But when a hurricane hits Springfield and Ned’s house is the only one destroyed, we see a dark side of Ned that we’ve never seen before. After a comical attempt to rebuild Ned’s house by the entire city, we see him lose his mind, insult everyone in the town, and crash through the gates of a mental institution. His dark, hidden past is finally revealed.

Memorable Quote:
Ned: Now calm down, Ned-dily-diddly-diddly-diddly… they did their best, shoddily-iddly-iddly-diddly… gotta be *nice*, hostily-iddly-diddly-iddly…
Ned: Ah *hell* diddly-ding-dong-crap! Can’t you morons do anything right?!

3. Homer versus the Eighteenth Amendment. Original Airdate:  March 16, 1997.

Following a St. Patrick’s day parade that featured Irish authors beating up townsfolk, Apu and Kirk Van Houten undressing, and Bart Simpson getting drunk on live television, the city of Springfield come across an old document that states a prohibition law has been around for 200 years and needs to be enforced. Homer and Bart concoct a scheme using the bowling alley and Moe’s tavern to distribute alcohol around the town. Not only that, but we see one of the best guest appearances in Rex Banner, a no-nonsense private eye who sounds like Dick Tracy and is eventually catapulted.

Memorable Quote:

Homer: To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

4. Homerpalooza. Original Airdate: May 16, 1996.

When Homer gets knocked in the stomach by a cannon propelled inflatable pig, he is discovered by the festival head of Hullabalooza and becomes the headliner for the traveling freak show as the Iron Stomach: a man capable of taking cannonballs to the mid-section without dying. The episode had many notable guests that included The Smashing Pumpkins, Cypress Hill, Peter Frampton, and Sonic Youth. Each of them had a hilarious moment.

Memorable Quote:

Billy Corgan: Hi, Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins.

Homer: Homer Simpson, smiling politely.

5. Who Shot Mr. Burns, part one and two. Original Airdate: May 21, 1995.

After Mr. Burns goes on to piss off an entire town of people, he completes his douchebaggery by blocking out the sun and forcing the townspeople to only use nuclear energy. Following that, he is found a few minutes later collapsed and shot on the town sundial. This was the only two-part episode in Simpsons history and was easily one of the most suspense-filled.

Memorable Quote:

Mr. Burns: Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun. I shall do the next best thing: block it out.

6. Homer the Great. Original Airdate: January 8, 1995.

After finding out about a secret organization known as the Stonecutters that controls all of society’s decisions, Homer starts a frantic search to find out how he can join. He finds out that Abe Simpson is a member and he is allowed in due to a relative being a member. Homer makes unnecessary changes to the society, and after a meeting of the minds of the Stonecutter’s elders, they decide to make a new society: The No Homer’s club.

Memorable Quote:

Grampa: I’m an elk, a Mason, a communist. I’m the president of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance for some reason. Ah, here it is. The Stonecutters.
Homer: This is it! My ticket in: they have to let me in if I’m the son of a member. I’ll take this communist one too.

7. Marge vs. The Monorail. Original Airdate: January 14, 1993.

After an acquisition of three million dollars by the city, the townspeople of Springfield get to decide what the money shall be spent on. A number of suggestions are brought up before a smooth talking out-of-towner named Lyle Lanley brings up the idea of a monorail system in Springfield. Marge does some research and finds out about the dark past of the monorail’s influence in other cities and sees that the monorail is a one way ticket to hell.

Memorable Quote:

Homer:Donuts….is there anything they can’t do?

8. Mr. Plow. Original Airdate: November 19, 1992.

When Homer stumbles across a snowplow during a car show, he is immediately smitten, and goes into the business of plowing during a harsh winter in Springfield. He comes up with a commercial and probably the most memorable song of the entire Simpsons franchise, the Mr. Plow song.

Memorable Quote:

Homer: Mr. Plow, that’s my name, that name again is Mr. Plow.

9. Round Springfield. Original Airdate: April 20, 1995.

When Bart goes to the hospital for eating a jagged metal Krusty-O, Lisa comes across her Jazz hero, Bleeding Gums Murphy, in a hospital bed. The two bond and share music, ideas, and an overall love for Jazz. With a little help from Bart, a small-time Jazz radio station, and God, Bleeding Gums Murphy’s music is heard and appreciated throughout the city. Murphy appears in the cloud, ala Musafa from The Lion King, and Lisa jams out to Jazzman.

Memorable Quote:

James Earl  Jones: This is CNN.
Mufasa: You must avenge me young Kimba – I mean Simba.
Darth Vader: Luke I am your father.

10. Homers Barbershop Quartet.

When Bart runs across an album depicting Homer, Principal Skinner, Barney, and Apu, we learn the story of Homer’s barbershop quartet: The B Sharps. For one last time, the four assemble on the roof of Moe’s Tavern and sing “Baby on Board” (to the dismay of the Human Fly and George Harrison).

Memorable Quote:

George Harrison: Hello, Homer, I’m George Harrison.
Homer: Oh my God! Where did you get that brownie?

The Top 10 “Poster Dunks” of All Time

There is nothing better in the game of basketball than a good ol’ fashioned “Poster Dunk”. For those who don’t know, the poster dunk is when the dunker throws down a slam on an opposing defender who attempted to block the lane to pick up a charge call..here is a good example of Kobe Bryant back in high school. Great poster dunks result in the defender having to deal with the embarrassment of getting slammed on.  There is nothing more demoralizing than a poster dunk. You can blow someone up in football and fool batter’s with a curveball, but the poster dunk is on a pedestal of its own.

10. LeBron James reminds Damon Jones that he is small.

I remember watching this dunk and thinking what in God’s name was Damon Jones thinking on that play? All you need to do is compare the sizes of the two. LeBron James is 6’8″ and 250 pounds of solid muscle who thrives off of drives and dunks and Damon Jones is 6’3″ and 195 pounds soaking wet. Who’s going to win? Just take a look.

Who wants to bet that Jones is still having nightmares of a 6’8″ monster rising up and slamming a dunk on his back.

9. Vince Carter does not care for Defensive Player of the Years and that means you Alonzo Mourning.

Three facts I would like to point out first. Fact number one: Alonzo Mourning is one of the top shot blockers in league history. Fact number two: Vince Carter is one of the top dunkers in league history. Fact number three: Vince Carter doesn’t care if Alonzo Mourning is one of the top shot blockers in league history.

My belief is that nobody should even try to contest a Vince Carter dunk because it always ends up in the same exact way for any defender. We’ll see that later on, trust me.

8. Tracy McGrady adds another poster to Shawn Bradley’s resume.

It’s not saying a lot to dunk on Shawn Bradley. The guy is 7’6″ ,which is the third tallest in NBA history, and yet the guy get’s dunked on more than any other NBA player by far. He was weak, he was scared, and he was a mormon. Not a great combination when you’re trying to contest the dunk of a prime Tracy McGrady.

The commentating is phenomenal. Kevin Harlan with the call and Doug Collins calling McGrady sleepy eyed. Easily the best commentating on this list and it only adds to the essence of this monster of a poster.

7. Dwyane Wade dunks on Anderson Varejao’s soul.

When the Miami Heat and Cleveland Cavaliers play each other, it’s always an affair to look out for. Pitting superstars like Dwyane Wade and LeBron James is a match made in basketball heaven where Len Bias is finally encountering his dreams of being an NBA star and Wilt Chamberlain is only getting the finest women of the world. I digress, but what we see here is a spectacular play on both sides of the ball by the Heat as we see LeBron get stuffed on a dunk and Wade…..well, you’ll just have to see.

Just watch how Varejao slams his head against the back of the support beam holding the hoop up and also how Wade steps over Varejao’s new corpse. Truly one of the greatest recent dunks we’ve seen.

6. Shawn Kemp dunks on Alton Lister and let’s him know about it.

I tend to make fun of Shawn Kemp a lot because of his inability to use a condom and his ability to eat, but before that he was an amazing basketball player with the Seattle Supersonics. He was one of the most aggressive, ferocious players in the NBA of the 1990′s and he capped it off with this one play against the Golden State Warriors. Kemp and Lister had been going at it all game and I think Lister learned to respect his elder’s after this poster.

Could you imagine that happening today? There would be technical fouls and fines out the ass. Shawn Kemp didn’t care though and I’m sure he still doesn’t.

5. Kevin Johnson is the nightmare in Hakeem Olajuwon’s dreams.

When I said Mourning was one of the top shot blockers, well Olajuwon is the best shot blocker. This guy was a force in Houston and opposing teams wouldn’t even think about stepping into the paint when Olajuwon was in the middle because they knew what would happen. They were going to get their shot swatted and Hakeem ‘The Dream’ was going to tally another block to his repertoire. When 6’1″ Kevin Johnson drove baseline though, no one expected this.

Purely fearless. I wonder if Johnson used this as motivation when he ran and won mayor of Sacramento?

4. Kobe Bryant baptizes Dwight Howard.

That was word for word what Kobe Bryant said after he dunked on a rookie Dwight Howard and it’s true because the top shot-blocker in this league at the moment was destroyed by the top player in the league. Bryant has been known to throw down on just about anyone no matter how big they are and Howard was no exception to the Kobe Bryant rule. What is the Kobe Bryant rule you ask? Rule 1, section 1: Whoever tries to defend Mr. Bryant when he is rising for a throw down will be forced to deal with the embarrassment and ridicule of Mr. Bryant after said dunk.

Rule 8, section 4: If the dunkee has Mr. Bryant’s ball sweat on any part of him, he must deal with it on his own time.

3. Julius Erving dunks on Michael Cooper and shows the NBA what a real man’s dunk is.

The dunk wasn’t revolutionary in the 1970′s and early ’80′s. It was used only in a few situations until Julius Erving came out of nowhere from the defunct ABA and showed the NBA how to really throw down. So when Michael Cooper attempted to block Dr. J’s dunk, he was quite surprised with the result when he was out of bounds and the Philadelphia 76ers were two points better.

I don’t think the NBA knew what it was getting itself into when they allowed Mr. Erving into the league. White people forever would find themselves less useful.

2. Michael Jordan dunks on the city of New York.

Who hasn’t Michael Jordan dunked on? Honestly, who? Every team and every game the guy plays, someone is bound to get posterized by MJ. He dunked from the foul line, baseline, and just about everywhere else you can imagine on the floor. He even dunked from half court, well kind of.

Back on Earth though, Michael Jordan dunked on someone who resembles one of the five defenders above, mostly the blue guy.

Poor Patrick Ewing. A great defender and a great player, but he was Michael Jordan’s bitch for the course of a decade. I can guarantee Ewing had a few words with John Starks and Charles Oakley for their shoddy defense on that play.

1. Vince Carter dunks on the world.

There’s just no words to describe this. You only see this in dunk contest. This is straight up rape and it shouldn’t be allowed on this planet or even in this universe. Yet, I can’t stop looking at it. In the 2000 Olympics when the United States were rolling over every country in the world, they encountered France with a seven foot center named Frederic Weis who was patrolling the paint. He was drafted the year before into the NBA by the Knicks and was never seen in an NBA game, do you think it could be because of this?

Just exactly how does this happen? How do you jump over somebody, let alone a seven footer, in a regulation game? Don’t forget this is the best France had to offer. This is the best center of the country of France and he is getting dunked over? Yikes. That’s all there is to say.

It’s ugly and I just want to keep looking at it.

Next time you’re watching an NBA game, don’t blink because there is always the moment where something like the poster dunk can happen at any time. You just better hope that you don’t end up on the receiving ends of something like this.

The country of France still hasn’t recovered.

The 10 Greatest NBA Players without a Championship

There is only one true objective in any sport: win a championship. Outplay and outwork everyone else to get to the pinnacle of all achievements in the world. Basically you just want to prove your masculinity and willpower over everyone else and show just how much better you are than everyone else by winning a championship. It’s been man’s calling since the dawn of time and millions of years later we are still competing. Maybe not for who can get the largest mammoth kill as our ancestors did, but sports, which is just about the same.

The NBA has been around for over 50 years now and we have been lucky to experience some of the greatest athletes that were absurdly tall for anyone’s good or could jump higher than your car. From George Mikan to LeBron James, we have seen premiere players come through this league. But once in a while a superstar comes along and never reaches that plateau that he has strived years for.

They’ve had great careers, but what’s the point when players such as Adam Morrison and Jud Buechler have championship rings to show off and you don’t.

 

Let’s get this show on the road, shall we. We now bring you the ten greatest NBA players to not have a championship.

10. Jason Kidd

Besides having accolades as having a son who resembles himself way too much, Kidd has racked up ten all-star appearances, five all-NBA first team spots and, four all-NBA defensive teams, two Gold Medals, and finishing second in MVP voting in 2001, but has yet to win a championship.

A career that started in 1994 with the Dallas Mavericks, Kidd has been the premiere point guard in the league for years. Jason has been known to rack up triple-doubles more times than any other player can because of his ability to score, rebound, and pass at any given moment.

Kidd has two finals appearance with the New Jersey Nets back in the early 00′s and has a NBA finals record of 2-8. Kidd’s career is still progressing as a member of the Mavericks once again, but it is unlikely he will see a championship.

But man that kid’s eyebrows freak me out.

9. Shawn Kemp

Remember when basketball inhabited Seattle? If there’s one thing about basketball in Seattle that anybody found relevant, it was Shawn Kemp because of the guy was a monster on the court and how he doubled the population of a metropolitan city.

Kemp was a six-time all-star with the Sonics and always brought the team deep into the postseason and if not for some asshole by the name of Michael Jordan, he, along with many others, probably could have that championship.

As “The Reign Man’s” weight ballooned and Seattle continued to become overcrowded by the day, he was released and jumped from team to team before finally ending up in Europe and playing with some team in Italy before he could ever get his deserved championship.

Shawn only made one championship in his career, a loss to the Chicago Bulls, but his legacy will live on in basketball and in the homes of many Seattle women.

 

8. George Gervin

Don’t know who George Gervin is? Then get the hell out of my article. No seriously stay, but seriously you don’t know who George Gervin is?

You young fellas probably don’t know about the “Iceman” because he was prominent in the 1970′s when times were simpler and everyone enjoyed a form of music known as “disco”. Gervin was a 12 time all-star if you include his ABA days, the 1980 MVP, the honor of joining the 50 greatest players of all time list, and having his #44 retired by the Spurs.

Despite all the fancy awards and such, Gervin never won a championship. In fact, he never even made it into the finals. A player of high-caliber like Gervin who won scoring title after scoring title never even made it into an NBA championship.

That’s like Allen Iverson never making or winning a championship. Oh wait….

 

7. Allen Iverson

Allen Iverson knows a lot about practice, it’s just a damn shame he doesn’t know much about winning championships.

Since his inception in the league in 1996 as the number one overall pick, Iverson has become one of the most prolific scorers in NBA history. Iverson won rookie of the year, the 2001 MVP, four scoring titles, made 11 all-star games and was MVP of two of them, and made three all-NBA first teams.

That’s an awful lot, but I bet he’d trade all of that away for a ring. He was able to make it to one championship in 2001, but lost in five games to the LA Lakers. You can’t really blame the guy when his number two player is Eric Snow. Don’t know who Eric Snow is? That’s exactly how bad that Philadelphia 76ers team was.

Iverson has jumped from team to team over the past few seasons and hasn’t been near a championship since his run in ’01 as his career dwindles. Maybe some more practice is needed.

6. Pete Maravich

 

Going back in time in this article again to the 1970′s where a man named Pete Maravich was running a train in college and the NBA. Maravich was a five time all-star, two-time member of the all-NBA team, and a current member of the 50 greatest players of all time.

But he’s on this list because he never won a championship and like I said before, those fancy awards are nice and such, but I bet “Pistol” would trade away a few of those all-star game appearances for a ring.

In college, Maravich averaged a ridiculous 44 points per game over three years without the three-point line. Researchers have found out that if there was an actual three-point line then Maravich would have averaged 57 points per game. Many teams in college today don’t average 57 points per game.

At the age of 25, Maravich had told Pennsylvania reporter, Andy Nuzzo, “I don’t want to play 10 years in the NBA and then die of a heart attack at 40.”

Maravich died at 40 while playing a pick-up game.Yeah, I just shit myself too. Clean yourself up and get back to #5.

5. Steve Nash

One of the more hilarious players in the league(for the right reasons actually), Nash has had one of the better careers out of anyone on this list.

The Canadian born superstar has two MVP’s to his credit, seven all-star appearances, and has made three all-NBA first team’s. Despite all this, Nash has had one of the toughest career’s of any NBA player in the league now.

When he started in Phoenix, he was booed mercilessly because of his turnovers and was traded to Dallas where he would eventually become MVP caliber and was then sent back to Phoenix where the city performed unnatural act’s to Steve for forgiveness.

Nash won two consecutive MVP’s since Jordan did it many years ago(back in the ’90′s!), but has never made it to an NBA championship. At 35 though, Nash has seen a resurgence and still could lead his team to the finals that has eluded him for so long.

4. Reggie Miller

Oh how I loathed Reggie Miller. Growing up a huge Michael Jordan fan made me despise this guy and until I actually came to my senses and realized just how good Miller was at his craft, hated him and everything about him. The guy is arguably the greatest jump shooter in league history and was always leading the Indiana Pacers to late postseason runs.

Miller is a five time all-star and the all-time leader for three-point field goals converted, not to mention the guy was clutch and led a team that consisted of players like Rick Smits and Jalen Rose to the franchises first and only NBA finals appearance back in 2000. They would lose in five to (take a wild guess) the Los Angeles Lakers in five games.

Reggie’s shooting ability alone gets him on this list and his ability to come up huge in clutch situations is why the Pacer teams of the ’90′s and early ’00′s were so good. But for some reason, Reggie really hated the New York Knicks.

Poor Spike Lee.

3. Patrick Ewing

When Patrick Ewing wasn’t dunking on innocent Snickers consumers, he was beasting all over the NBA. Eleven all-stars games, a rookie of the year award, an all-NBA first team appearance, two Gold Medals, and a spot in the fifty greatest players of all time has Ewing immortalized as one damn good NBA player. It’s just too bad Michael Jordan was such a douchebag.

 

Ewing and the Knicks were huge in the 1990′s and were always a constant threat for an NBA finals appearance. They flirted with it every year and finally made it in the lockout shortened season of 1999. They made a huge run as an eight seed before finally falling to the Spurs in a four game sweep.

Ewing would never even creep near the finals again as he was traded two years later to Seattle and then to Orlando where he ended his career. Patrick’s successful career was overshadowed by the fact that he never won an NBA championship, but honestly back in the 1990′s it was hard for anyone to even make it as far as a championship because of the Chicago Bulls juggernaut that won six of the championships in the 1990′s.

You can accredit many of the players on this list thanks to MJ and his team of Superfriends. In fact, here’s some now!

2. Charles Barkley

Before Charles Barkley was a hilarious, obese commentator for TNT. Charles Barkley was a hilarious, overweight basketball player in the NBA.

Believe it or not, Barkley was good…damn good actually.

In a career that spanned 16 years, Barkley won an MVP, made 11 all-star games, five all-NBA first teams, and a nod to the 50 greatest players of all time.

Barkley won his MVP in 1993 which was the same year he made his lone NBA championship. The Phoenix Suns team he was on won an NBA best 62 games and was destined for a championship until guess who shows up to crash the party.

Michael. Freaking. Jordan. The Suns lost in six games to the Bulls who won their third consecutive championship and Barkley was quite frustrated as expected. He’d never make it again and he is now singing about Taco Bell.

1.(a)Karl Malone and (b) John Stockton.

They had to be on this list together. They went through thick and thin. They’ve been together for the good times and the bad times, but mostly the bad times.

Malone is a two-time MVP winner, 13 time all-star, 11 time all-NBA first team member, three-time all-NBA defensive first team member, two time Gold Medal winner, and a member of the 50 greatest players of all time. Stockton is a ten time all-star, two time member of the all-NBA first team, and winner of two Gold Medals.

Notice anything missing. This Batman and Robin combination did just about everything besides win a championship and they’ve had ample opportunities to do it too. If it all wasn’t for Michael bleeping Jordan, then they’d easily have at least one to their name. They made two consecutive NBA finals and both times met the Chicago Bulls with both results the same: two finals losses in six games.

But hey, Michael Jordan isn’t immortalized on Crank Yankers.

There are many great players out there and sometimes a superstar will have to sacrifice one for the league and not finish his career with a championship. There are players even now that are destined for greatness, but have yet to win a championship.

The 5 Most Politically Incorrect Team Mascots

When it comes to sports, a lot of words come to mind: energy, heart, gambling, steroids, racism, chea-, wait racism? Despite the entire country being on an ongoing “make everything politically correct” spree for the past decade, there are still several sport teams with incredibly offensive mascots and names. We’re talking about using words so offensive that they  would even get a Mississippi fifth grader sent to detention. Several of the offended groups have started petitions to get the names changed and it seems like there’s change might actually be coming. In the meantime, we’re left cheering for our teams while yelling out racial slurs.

1. Washington Redskins

You might as well call them the Washington N-words. Redskins is one of those words that has now been deemed extremely offensive. In fact, a group of Native Americans filed a case to have the team name changed that went all the way to the Supreme Court. While they were unsuccessful with the NFL, they managed to get 11 high schools and two colleges to drop the redskins moniker. As for the NFL team, I think they have much bigger problems than their name.

Proposed new name: The Washington Obamas. Not only is the team situated in D.C., but they also tend to make as many mistakes as the President.

2. University of Mississippi Runnin’ Rebels

Mississippi isn’t exactly known for being politically correct or socially progressive. So it completely makes sense that Ole Miss’s mascot is a studly plantation owner. And even worse than their mascot, is the fact that it was created in 1970 — over 100 years after the Civil War ended. However, the students of Ole Miss have made impressive strides in changing the name and it appears to be imminent that Colonel Reb is on his way out. The mascot’s likeness has already been banished from sporting events and the students are voting on a new mascot. There have been names thrown around, but there is one mascot name that has stood far and above every other in consideration.

Proposed New Name: University of Mississippi Ackbars. Dead Serious. The strange-looking alien from Star Wars, Admiral Ackbar, is the front-runner to become the University of Mississippi’s mascot. Be careful though, it might be a trap!

3. Cleveland Indians

The Cleveland Indian’s cheery, smiling red-face Chief Wahoo (yeah CHIEF FREAKING WAHOO) has caused a bit of controversy among Native Americans. They’re among one of the many teams being asked by Native Americans to change their names to something a little bit more politically correct. At the very least, they could tone down the red face. However, it’s not happening.  Asking a professional sports team to change their logo would be like asking Matthew McConaughey to stop making crappy movies.

Proposed new name: Cleveland Carey’s. Who wouldn’t want the host of The Price is Right to be their new nickname?

4. Notre Dame Fighting Irish

Native Americans get all the attention when it comes to changing team names. However no one ever stands up to defend the Irish. Deeming the Irish population as a band of fighting, bearded, bald drunks isn’t exactly what Irish descendants were hoping for when they were immortalized upon one of the more prestigious universities of America.That’s not even to mention the fact that if anyone’s feet actually stood like that, there would be very serious problems.

Proposed new name: Notre Dame Irish. It worked for the Illini, I guess.

5. Watersmeet Nimrods

Watersmeet High School, located in Watersmeet, Michigan gained fame on ESPN when the channel ran commercials displaying the city’s love for their Nimrods. Sure this name isn’t racist and sure there are a lot worse names to be called than a nimrod, but who want this to be their school mascot?

Proposed new name: Watersmeet Douchebags. Why not take it a step further?

Wait, what was I writing about? The Five Types Of Potheads.

Marijuana brings out the best and worst of everyone. At times, you could encounter the pothead that is always a joy to be around that will get the whole group laughing, or you could end up smoking with the guy who doesn’t shut up and thinks he’s hilarious just because everyone else is high enough to wear Orion’s Belt.

There are many types of people in this world and the sweet mary jane brings out nearly every feeling in all of us and it put’s us into five categories of what kind of potheads we are. So, spark it up, turn some Cypress Hill on, and break out the Funions, it’s the five types of pothead’s.

1. The Aristotle

Otherwise known as the philosophical one, this is a very common type of pothead. They will ramble on about the meaning of life, the afterlife, and how Mitch Hedberg is the funniest comedian to ever live. There is not one logical thought to their reasoning and theories, but since you’re probably high as all hell, you’ll believe every single word they’ll say and post it on your facebook where it will be met with not quite the reception you were hoping for. Don’t smoke outside with this person either, get them under a night sky and it will never end.

2. The Meditator

While many potheads will talk your ears off, there will always be at least one or two that meditate. At least that it will seem like when the person does absolutely nothing but either vibe/tell everyone else to vibe/space out and freak everyone out. The meditator could cause the average pothead to trip even more balls when they see their smoking buddy staring at static on the tv for the past 10 minutes when in reality the meditator is fine and is a complete douche for making his tripping buddies to freak out.

3. The Paranoid One

Easily the most popular and most common on this list, the paranoid one will experience freak-out’s at any given moment whenever a phone rings, a noise is heard, or a pair of headlights pop up behind them. There is no consoling the paranoid one until the weed is gone and the high wears off and even then it’s still a stretch that this person will relax and not convince everyone else that the Russians are closing in and it’s going to be Red Dawn all over again. This is not the person to bring around the meditator for it will ruin each stoner’s high and cause some un-needed friction between the group of weedhead’s. Even though the paranoid one can be a buzzkill, if you know how to mess with them the right way, then it’s going to be a lot of fun for everyone(except the paranoid one).

4. The one hitter quitter

Otherwise known as the rookie. There is a reason why they are known as the one hitter quitter and it’s because after one hit, they are down for the count like Mike Tyson himself was just waiting in the joint to give this guy the knockout punch on the first hit.

It’s a plus for everyone else since they will be able to pick up the slack from the rookie’s weak lung’s, but his fellow pothead’s will need to help him out and give him breathing lessons, so thing’s like this don’t happen again. You don’t want to be the one hitter quitter and end up as the butt of every single stoner’s joke for the night and many night’s in the future. It’s kind of like premature ejaculation, but not as hot.

5. The Crafty Veteran

Make this person your best friend and fast. The crafty veteran, or the cheech, knows every dealer in a 100 mile radius, can roll up blunts in less than a minute, and make a bong out of your face. The veteran has been doing it for so long that he is able to go every pass without breathing out. They only smoke the finest(kush, haze, death, love boat) and will broaden your horizon on the weed landscape. Not to mention, they probably have no cares about smoking in their house or car since it’s smelled like weed for the past decade. The only problem is that they could get too cocky and let everyone else know that they will never be on there level when it comes to smoking.

Marijuana is truly a gift from big guns upstairs and when used correctly will always be there to put you through the good times, the bad times, and the I just want to smoke a joint times. Happy smoking!

*coed does not advise illegal activities, go to one of the various states where medicinal use is legal and put that glaucoma to good use for once.

The Five Types of People Who Play First Person Shooter Video Games

For those who don’t know, FPS stands for “First Person Shooter” and for those who do know, then you need to stop playing xBOX and/or Playstation and go outside. For over 40 years, video game companies have tried to make their game as realistic as possible and have gone off in different formats since starting out as two lines smacking a square across a TV. Thanks to the power of technology and Asians, we can now not only play the usual game, but also other people from all over the world.

XBOX Live has millions of people registered from over the world waiting to kill you in a variety of games and have no problem with yelling about how they “Pwned” you over their headset. You now have the ability to own some 13-year-old German kid in Halo with the gravity hammer and it’s all because of the greater minds at Xbox and Playstation.

I, along with millions of others, have encountered many of these annoying sons of bitches and have condensed every Xbox live player into five general groups. Not only have I been able to find the five types of players that you come across everyday, but also what they probably look like on the other side of that screen.

1: The Camper.

The Camper. Oh God, the mother-bleeping camper. This person is everyone’s worst nightmare to go against as they are near impossible to kill because of the fact that they are either perched on top of the highest point of every map in Modern Warfare or hidden in the corner of a room waiting for dumbasses like you to run through without checking every side. The only time they move is at the beginning of the game when they sprint to their spot and set up a tent there for the next ten minutes.

These players are the worst and it’s the greatest ecstasy in the video gaming world to take out one of these douchebags. They always give you a reason to stay on your toes and there’s no doubt that the nine other people you are playing against would rather join you and take out this guy before taking out each other.

Well, this would be more along the lines of what you look like when playing against one…and if you’re a woman.

2: The Cancer.

Say you’re playing a team death match on Modern Warfare 2. You’re only a few kills away from winning and you’ve all spawned in the same spot and all of a sudden a grenade is launched right in the middle of your team taking out everyone and killing any chance of a win. It’s impossible for the other team to find you that fast and sure enough in the lower left corner where you can see who killed you, it’s your teammate and he does this for a living.

When the cancer is not bringing your teams score down with a 5 kill-20 death ratio, he is just straight up killing your team. He’ll get excited when he sees a player and just throw a random grenade even though it’s his own teammate. When spawned next to his own partner, he’ll wildly shoot thinking he got the upper hand because the game glitches and he was able to appear next to an enemy.

3: The Veteran

Notice how once in a while there will be a player that somehow kicks your ass in every conceivable way? They’ll rack up 30 kills, while dying only three times in five minutes maximum and have been on tenth prestige longer than you’ve had the game. They are the veteran and they are way too good at this.

In fact, nobody should be this good because it means that sunlight and the opposite sex was ruled out of your top priorities ages ago. They might seem bad ass in the game because they could kill you with any weapon at any moment from any distance, but in the real world they look something like this:

4: The General.

Patton, McArthur, Washington, and Pothead4evaxxx. You’ve probably heard of the first three and know that they are all very well-known generals of the United States. The last one, not so much because they are the Xbox general and they are just as annoying as the camper. They’ll attempt to lead your team into their modern day Normandy and most likely ruin your entire video game experience because they are attempting to take charge of seven 12 year olds via a headset.

The occasional inspirational speech could be heard at times as well as a few “follow me’s” and if you’re lucky a “tonight we dine in hell”. Always fun to make fun of, but a real bitch when your team is well out of reach because his version of guerilla warfare didn’t work out all too well.

5: The Complainer.

Easily the most hilarious of any player in an FPS, the complainer does exactly what moniker says: complains. They’ll bitch and moan about how everyone cheats and camps, (even though they aren’t), and how everyone has some sort of “perk” (that guy must have the invisibility perk on!), and how his gun doesn’t work (there must be some sort of delay with my gun because it doesn’t fire when I hit the button!).

The complainer usually sucks and is a punching bag in the video gaming world mostly because he’s an easy target and that every kill brings new a reason about how he unfairly was killed. They’ll blame the weapon, the map, the opposing players, and even the game itself, but for this guy to blame himself is a stretch. The complainer will always complain until things will eventually go his way.

Video games have brought people together from all over the world and have changed everyone as well as we have seen. Make sure to be on the lookout for these players, they won’t be too hard to spot. Happy gaming, nerds.

Television Gold: The Top Five Maury Guests

It’s hard to believe for most television viewers, but primetime isn’t between 8pm and 10pm. It’s between 12pm and 1pm and it’s on your local, but much little known, news channel. It’s the Maury show and it’s been pumping out white trash and ghettorific gems for nearly 20 years now.

The Maury show began in 1991 and features many segments such as “Who’s my baby’s daddy?”, “Out of Control Teens”, and “Family Sex Secrets Revealed”, which all add up to a show that has a reason for being around 20 years and has a renewed contract that is set for it to last until at least 2012 which means the end of the world will be determined if the Maury Show continues.

There are many not keen on the idea of a classy talk show such as Maury and compare it to the likes of the Jerry Springer Show. Now while there are some similarities, it is the differences that set Maury far and beyond the trash that is the Springer Show. While on Springer, you will see two overweight midgets mud wrestling over a transvestite, on Maury you will see those two same midgets discuss their problems first and then have the crowd yell whether they are sluts or not.

We have been entertained for 19 years now thanks to the exploits of Maury Povich and now we dedicate this list to him and his ability to bring families together while tearing their homes apart.

5:The movie Up! The modern day Exorcist.

When Maury isn’t giving paternity tests or holding back laughter from 20 years of exploitation and getting paid for it, he’s revealing strange phobias of strange people. On this specific episode, Maury introduced ladies with phobias to mustard, birds, and pickles, and in the case we are about to show you: balloons. The woman is trembling in fear because of the possibility that the Hindenberg’s Nazi spirit is sure to show up right there in the Maury studio and is not helped when she becomes completely surrounded by colorful, helium filled nightmares.

Memorable Moment: As the woman runs away in fear from balloons being carried out onto the set, she runs backstage and in probably the most perfect timing ever, Maury yells: Oh no, don’t go back there, thats worse. The women is confronted by hundred’s of more balloons where she then crouches into the fetal position and is comforted by Maury who brings her back on set to once again, be encountered by balloons.

4: Valchas and his father are here to prove he only fathered 16 kids.

The classic Maury Show usually consists of at least one memorable paternity test and on this episode we meet Valchas and his father who decided to show up in drag possibly as a teaser for next episode. We go onto learn that Valchas is accused of fathering 21 kids, but has been cleared of four of the mistakes so far and is hoping this will be his final appearance on the show and will finally drop his family down to 16. The accuser, Jessica, also says the father could be Valchas’ cousin Chris who only adds more laughs on another soon to be welfare case.

Memorable Moment: Chris breaks out a condom and claims to “stay strapped” moments before the DNA test reveal he is the father summing up the lesson always wrap it up twice.

3: Now introducing McDonalds new dollar menu item: 14 year old whores.

Ahh yes, the always popular out of control teens. As a teenager, I enjoyed basketball, video games, and only had sex for items when the newest Grand Theft Auto was coming out. 14 year old Angelique though takes it another step further by not only satisfying her desire for grown men, but also for hunger.  When she’s not beating her little cousin or calling her sister a whore or having sex with 30 guys since she was 11, she’s turning tricks behind McDonalds.

Memorable Moment: After admitting she had sex for a cheeseburger, she claims she did it for fast money. If this was intended to be a pun, then by God Angelique is already qualified to write for SNL.

2: Who’s dumber? The one that claims to be kidnapped three times or the one that believes it?

Heather and Todd are a happily married couple with one recurring problem. Todd keeps getting kidnapped and not coming home for days a time claiming that he was able to escape the second kidnapping and was gone for five days because he had to walk home, rather than calling the police or taking a bus or not being a cheating douchebag. Uncharacteristic of Maury to take even the dumbest accusations seriously, he laughs for a good two minutes about the idea, while Heather keeps the same stone cold face on and can’t believe that Maury would dare to laugh at something so heinous a crime of kidnapping.

Memorable Moment: Because it is a recap show, we find out what happens to them after the show and as expected they’re still together and now have a child to put at risk due to Todd’s ability to be kidnapped.

1: The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.

Alycia and Paul(Pao?) are happily together, but it’s Alycia’s best friend Dominique that keeps getting in the way of their relationship. While Dominique is not the most handsome of women, she supposedly can cook a mean chicken tettrizini and is trying to seduce Alycia’s man with the tasty delight. Hilarity ensues:

Memorable Moment: It’s not seen in the video, but Paul did in fact cheat on Alycia with Dominique. Could it have been because of the chicken tettrizini? We’ll never know. The fact that this is number one is because of how huge this lie detector has gotten. There are more parody’s of this Maury clip than any other scene in it’s 19 year history and it has a larger cult following than Jim Jones.

Maury’s been spiking the kool aid for years.

10 Athletes Who Royally Screwed Up.

The on-court/field/probation athlete regarded by the average sports fan could be described as a hero, an idol, or just another overpaid employee that can jump higher than most people. Off the field though, that athlete has a life to live and loves to entertain all aspects of society whether they want to or not.

Their off the field antics have filled many of our days with laughs and give us meaning in our bland, cocaine-less and prostitute-less lives. While many beloved athletes maintain to stay out of the tabloid eyes, there are plenty of superstars from around the sporting world that could fill an entire National Enquirer.

What’s not to believe?

Of all the allegations today amongst athletes from Tiger Woods being the modern day Zack Morris and Gilbert Arenas trying to play real life Contra in the Washington Wizards locker room, our sports heroes have been entertaining us for years and losing their minds in the process.

10: Dontrelle Willis proves he is just like the rest of us.

Just start with the name and soak it in. With a name like Dontrelle, surely illegal activities will play a part in any type of career the starting pitcher would have if baseball did not end up paying off and sure enough we got it. Willis is better known for his quirky leg kick when pitching and having a near Cy Young season in only his third year in the league when he posted a 22-10 record.

What most people don’t know about Willis is though that when you look past the numbers, the fancy jersey, and the millions of dollars, he is just like us in all his indecent exposure glory.

When you gotta go, you gotta do it in public.

At 4am on December 22, 2006 in South Beach, a police officer had noticed Willis’ Bentley double-parked and following this, also noticed a drunk Willis urinating on the street. Willis was reported to have watery-eyes, slurred speech, and appeared confused and disoriented or in simpler terms Dontrelle was pretty freaking wasted. Now this isn’t a major case of athletic stupidity, nor is it career ending, in fact most of you that are reading this right now have done this many times.

The difference is he’s Dontrelle Willis and you’re not. Sucks for you?

9: Sticky Ricky Williams goes North of the Border

There is no denying that Ricky Williams is a good running back and has had quite the impact on the New Orleans Saints and Miami Dolphins, but when he’s not tearing up the grass, he’s smoking it, holistic medicine, and playing football in Canada.

Eh?

Williams has always been known to be an odd fellow and has been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder which has hampered him throughout his NFL career and proving that if you can be big, scary, and run twice as fast as the average human being, then being weird should cause no problem in life(Take notes Chess Club). Ricky was suspended four times for marijuana while a member of the Dolphins before eventually retiring and joining the CFL.

Ricky is now a member of the Dolphins once again, but the weird has never left. Williams is a qualified Yoga instructor, a vegetarian, and a member of PETA. There is no news on whether Ricky’s penis has been found.

8: Food, Cocaine, and basketball: A love story. By Shawn Kemp.

In the 1990′s, there were three basketball teams: The Chicago Bulls, the Utah Jazz, and the Seattle Supersonics. Chicago had MJ, the Jazz had Karl Malone and John Stockton, and the city of Seattle saw a substantial birth rate.

The Reign Man Shawn Kemp was a force in the league in the 1990′s and led his team to an NBA finals appearance. He had brought basketball back to the city of Seattle and was one of the premiere players of his day. In his dwindling years though, the 6’10″ Kemp saw his weight balloon from 250 to 275 and was eventually traded to Cleveland where he would keep tacking on pounds, as well as illegitimate children.

It was reported as of 1998 that Kemp had fathered seven children. Let’s assume that Shawn had fathered his first child in his second season in 1990. The rate is around 1.2 kids per year and that was of 1998. If Kemp has managed to have unprotected sex over the past 11 years, then Shawn currently can suit up an entire NBA team.

Where’s daddy?

In more recent news in 2005, Kemp was arrested for cocaine, 60 grams of marijuana, and a semiautomatic pistol and raised the question how does he fit all of that in a car with his NBA team of future overweight all-stars.

7: Michael Ray Richardson can’t get enough of whitey.

“Are you kidding me? They are. They’ve got the best security system in the world. Have you ever been to an airport in Tel Aviv? They’re real crafty. Listen, they are hated all over the world, so they’ve got to be crafty. They got a lot of power in this world, you know what I mean? Which I think is great. I don’t think there’s nothing wrong with it. If you look in most professional sports, they’re run by Jewish people. If you look at a lot of most successful corporations and stuff, more businesses, they’re run by Jewish [sic]. It’s not a knock, but they are some crafty people.”

The above quote should just about sum this one up. Not only was Richardson critical of the Jewish population, but after being banned for life, yeah you heard it for LIFE, from the NBA, he had some choice words for the organization and their stance on race claiming that there was a double standard when it came to white player Chris Mullin and his problem with alcohol. Richardson said that it was unfair that Mullin can get away with his drinking problem, yet his cocaine problem is frowned upon.

By the way, his 1986 ban for life was lifted in 1991….which he then followed up with by failing two more drug tests for cocaine.

6:What do women want? Apparently, an overweight, chain smoking, gambling sub-par golfer.

When it comes to golf, the average American citizen has probably heard mostly of Tiger Woods and his exploits with the opposite sex, but most Americans don’t know much about the man that goes by the name of John Daly. Golf usually is recognized as a classy sport with most of the participants as older, richer, whiter men that usually resemble your Ben Gay smelling grandpa or Rich Uncle Pennybags.

If you thought Woods had problems, you’ve obviously never heard of Daly who has been married four times with every marriage ending up in Final Attraction fashion, minus the rabbit. Daly’s first marriage ended in three years with not much of a Hollywood style ending. It took two marriages for it to become actually public worthy.

Daly’s second marriage ended when his ex-wife Bettye Fulford accused him of throwing her into a wall and being charged with third-degree assault. His third marriage wasn’t note worthy as it ended ‘amicably’, which no one really cares about.

It was his fourth marriage that had us saying once again, there goes John Daly again beating his wife and getting stabbed for it. Following a fight at a restaurant, his wife attacked him with a steak knife causing lacerations over the right side of his face which he was proud to show up with in the second round of the tournament he was participating in.

Oh yeah, he’s also an avid purveyor of alcohol which was noted when his swing coach quit because “the most important thing in Daly’s life is getting drunk.” His gambling addiction has caused him to lose anywhere between $50 million and $60 million over the past 15 years. John’s diet also consists of diet coke and cigarettes, which he usually smokes during PGA tour events.

Daly proves once again that even you can win millions of dollars to be an overweight, wife-beating alcoholic. Keep reaching for the stars kids!

5: The Mets aren’t just known for disappointment anymore!

Back in the 1980′s(before many of you readers were born, hopefully), the New York Mets were the team to love as they came up out of nowhere in 1986 and won their first World Series in 17 years. At the team’s victory parade, Dwight Gooden didn’t show up, which his team would cover him for by saying he overslept. Do you really think Gooden is number five on this list because he had a problem with sleeping or possibly because he was in the middle of a cocaine binge?

Following a few more seasons and a rape accusation, Gooden ended his career in 2001 peacefully by winning another World Series and lived a lavish life with this three championship rings and definitely did not get arrested for drunk driving or punching his wife in the face or driving through a traffic stop or showing up high on cocaine to a probation meeting.

4:Athletes, guns, and limo drivers: a dangerous mix.

Jayson Williams was one of the higher regarded players of the 1990 NBA draft after having a successful career at St. John’s University. Williams was taken 21st, but bounced around from team to team for nine years before retiring due to injuries. Not a very notable career and in fact Williams was only accused of breaking a mug over someone’s head and firing a semiautomatic weapon in an open parking lot, pretty standard NBA regulations if you ask me.

But this is where the fun stops.

In 2002, Williams was giving a tour of his lavish 30,000 square foot mansion when the shotgun he was showing off went off accidentally and shot and killed limo driver Costas Christofi. The shooting raises many questions

#1: What exactly do you have to do in the NBA to get a 30,000 square foot house? Williams was a bust in the 1990 draft and didn’t exactly do much in his NBA career.

#2: Why did the trial just end a few weeks ago when the tour consisted of an entire basketball team of witnesses?

#3: Who is Jayson Williams?

In the meantime, Williams was taser-ed in a New York City hotel after becoming suicidal and violent and a few months later punching a man in the face at a bar. A week before his sentencing he was charged with DWI after an accident. Williams pleaded guilty to aggravated assault less than a week ago which answers all three of the questions I asked previously.

#1: The 30,000 square foot mansion is given out to anyone who is freakishly huge and can jump one foot off the ground.

#2: The trial actually was settled with a $2.75 million settlement in 2003. In 2006, an appeals court decided to retry Williams for reckless manslaughter and was delayed many times before finally reaching it’s end on January 11, 2010.

#3: I don’t know who NBA player Jayson Williams is.

3: Stephon Marbury makes all-star game, gets a tattoo on his head, and eats Vaseline all for your viewing pleasure

When Stephon Marbury entered the league in 1996, we knew the guy had a small case of ego-mania and that he might eat vaseline and cry while listening to music on a live webcam stream 13 years from then, but little did we know that he would actually do it.

Marbury was successful early in his career and made two all-star game’s in his career before joining the New York Knicks and like most people in New York, ended up hating his job. Marbury would get into fight’s on a daily occasion with legendary coach Larry Brown and legendary player, but shoddy general manager, Isiah Thomas.

Marbury was getting booed every game at Madison Square Garden which we believe in Florida and every other place foreign to New York is a sign of respect, so we’ll just go with New Yorkers hated Marbury so much that they actually began to respect him.

A few years later Marbury would be benched and not even see playing time after new coach Mike D’Antoni grew tired of ‘Starbury’s’ antics within their first meeting and saw no playing time from there on out. Following a banishment from the Knicks organization, Marbury found a loophole and decided that he could be just like everyone else and buy a ticket to a New York Knicks game.

Marbury would eventually take time off of basketball to focus on his new love of broadcasting his daily life for millions to see that included smoking weed, never wearing a shirt, crying to music while being massaged by a male friend, and of course eating Vaseline.

The new cocaine? You decide!

2: Marry Carmen Electra? What’s the worst that could happen.

Believe it or not Dennis Rodman actually played basketball and he was really good at it. He won five championships, two defensive player of the year awards, and led the league in rebounding seven years in a row which is quite the feat for someone that only stands at 6’7″.

But be honest, who wants to hear about that when Dennis Rodman wore a wedding dress to an autograph signing, marrying Carmen Electra while drunk and then fighting her, and of course kicking a camerman in the balls.

It all began in the early 1990′s when Rodman was found passed out in his car with a loaded rifle which he would later claim was to be used for suicide. Luckily for us and our entertaining pleasure, Rodman continued to lead a very extravagant life by making himself a constant side-show on and off the court.  It was his time in San Antonio that he began to dye his hair where it started blonde and then changed on a daily basis depending on his mood.

Rodman had frequent problems with Michael Jordan off the court claiming the two were going in different directions off the court and never got along. In a game facing the Minnesota Timberwolves, Rodman tripped over cameraman Eugene Amos and did the natural response of kicking Amos in the nuts. Amos might have overreacted by getting taken out on a freaking stretcher, but Rodman was forced to pay the lightweight $200,000 in court.

But onto his personal life!

Rodman lost his virginity at 20 to a prostitute before downgrading to Madonna. Following their breakup, he married Carmen Electra while intoxicated where the two eventually got into a domestic dispute and divorced 10 days later. He has also claimed to be a bi-sexual, thus explains the wedding dress I guess, and finished off his productive off court career by getting into another domestic dispute in a Los Angeles hotel and was eventually sentenced to counseling and probation.

Dennis Rodman and Madonna. I dare you to get that out of your head the rest of the week.

1: I’ll eat your children and [expletive] you until you love me [racial expletive].

If you don’t know who said either said of those quotes, re-evaluate your life and watch any boxing match in the 1990′s and then come back and thank me for giving you meaning in your life. If you do know who said that, then you should feel very disappointed that number one was this obvious.

 

Iron Mike Tyson was Muhammad Ali times 100  in his heyday and was a force to be reckoned with in the ring posting knockout after knockout before seeing it all fall apart in one of the biggest sports upsets in history when Tyson lost to underdog Buster Douglas.

We can’t say here at Coed that Tyson took the loss to well.

Mike would go on to sexually assaulting Desiree Washington which would cause the former champion to deal with three years in prison. Pretty standard stuff, but charges like that don’t get you number one on a list like this. In fact, it all began in 1988 when times were simpler and everyone had sinus infections.

Tyson’s publicized first marriage to Robin Givens was said to be “torture, pure hell, worse than anything I could possibly imagine” by Miss Givens. Sounds a lot like a marriage, so we’ll move past that.Things took a turn for the worse though when Givens accused Tyson of abuse and that he was also manic-depressive (Tell us something we don’t know)

Following that and the rape charges followed by Washington, Tyson was back in the ring to send a message to Evander Holyfield after their first fight when Holyfield won by TKO. The two would go at it with Mike being a crowd favorite until seeing one of the most surprising acts of violence by anyone in a sporting event of any kind.

Biting someone’s ear isn’t a typical legal move in boxing and the fight was stopped after the second(yeah, SECOND)time Tyson bit Holyfield’s ear and getting a piece of it in the process. Once again, a Tyson fight ended with the arena in a near riot and Mike would never get close to a championship title again until his fight with Lennox Lewis.

The fight was so one sided that it was embarrassing to watch the fall from grace Tyson had to withstand over his career, but it was the pre-fight that garnered most of the attention. In a fight before the Lewis bout, Tyson had stated that he wanted his heart and to eat his children and appropriately finished it with praise be to allah.

The pre-fight interview of course escalated into a near riot with Tyson addressing a reporter and telling him that he was going to, how should I say this, screw him until he loved him you homosexual. Just take that sentence and put it in Tyson’s vocabulary and you got it.

After his notable boxing career, Tyson would go onto get a tattoo on his face, get caught with cocaine, fight a photographer, and of course the usual two DUI charges.

Cocaine is a hell of a drug athletes, leave it for the Wall Street guys that know how to handle it.

 

It’s the Shoes Money! The History of Air Jordan’s

Only rarely would any sane man pay over $200 for a pair of shoes that were not imported from Italy and made from ancient leather. But what would you say if I told you that some people do this every week and blow an entire paycheck on gym shoes alone? You would say those people are obsessed with playing basketball, but then I’d tell you that they were just buying Air Jordans and you’d come to your senses and go out and buy the next new pair valued over $300.

For nearly 25 years now, Michael Jordan has had his name imprinted on these shoes. Beginning in 1984 in Jordan’s first year out of college, Nike knew they had struck quite the deal when they signed MJ to endorse their new pair of basketball sneakers. Little did they know that they had just signed a deal with the greatest player in basketball history and that their shoes would be breaking the bank for decades to come.

It is 2010 now and the 25th anniversary pair of Air Jordan’s are due to come out within the next week. But first, let us see where it all began.

Air Jordan 1

First released in March of 1985. When Jordan brought these out for the first time they were banned by the NBA. Apparently the red and black were not a part of the color scheme of NBA regulation sneakers, but little did the management know that they would soon be worshiping the player wearing them as somebody finally made the NBA something worth watching and talking about.

Air Jordan 2

Not exactly the most eye-popping of the Jordan brand, but he averaged 37 points per game and won his first dunk contest in these bad boys. Buying these shoes will not allow you to jump higher than usual, but you’ll certainly feel a spring in your step (it might come from being 2 bills lighter, but none the less.)

Air Jordan 3

A somewhat similar design to that of the II’s and another fantastic season for Jordan and Nike. While Jordan won his first MVP and another slam dunk contest, Nike was cashing in on the success of these shoes, as the Sneakerheads finally began to emerge,. and buy these shoes by the crate full.  If anyone saved them they’re worth serious wood today!

Air Jordan 4

Alright, what the hell just happened? The Jordan brand just went from 0-60 in the span of a year as we now see netting, straps, and the face of Mars Blackmon on the back of the shoe. No complaints from here though as these sneakers look just amazing. The Mars Blackmon emblem was an idea from Spike Lee who not only was featured in the commercials endorsing the shoes, but also directed movies that showed of the shoe as well.

Air Jordan 5

Let’s take it in a different direction shall we? The Five’s are some of the most popular brand of Jordan’s today, as the heads at Nike seem to be going in a different direction again with this one. The design is said to be that of the World War II Mustang planes mostly because of the unique design on the midsole of the sneakers. No doubt about it though, these shoes are progressively getting better.

Air Jordan 6

Just to give you perspective on how much Nike banks on these shoes. The shoes above are valued at $800. Some people work an entire month couldn’t afford these. Once again we see Jordan brand going off into another direction with a number of designs all over the shoe. In fact, if you look at it in the right light and direction, you can see the number 23. Jordan’s first championship came in these shoes as well.

Air Jordan 7

Met with criticism due to the new design, the Jordan 7′s are no doubt a classic. They were re-released recently and were met with high regards from the millions of sneakerheads around the globe insatiably buying them up. MJ won his second championship and was a part of the 1992 USA Dream Team while wearing these shoes. A unique fact about the Olympic edition of the 7′s is that there is a number nine on the back and not a 23 which had been on all the previous shoes. The nine represented Jordan’s number while a part of the Dream Team.

Air Jordan 8

It got a little strange with the eight’s. The design was so much more different from the others that nobody knew what to say. It did win Jordan his third consecutive championship and the shoes were a success then and now with the re-release. The straps were new, and as was the distinct collage of colors on not only the sole of the shoe, but the midsole. It’s also interesting to point out that because of the padding of the inside, it made your foot warmer than usual. Jordan got many athlete’s foot infections over the course of the year possibly due to the shoe. I think Nike was just trying to make it fair for everyone else in the league.

Air Jordan 9

Looks like the designers at Nike decided to stop tripping acid and get simple again. There is not too much to say about the shoe as Jordan’s from this point got a lot simpler from that of the Jordan 4′s to Jordan 8′s. The release of these sneakers came out a few months before Jordan’s retirement to play baseball which sent the NBA and its fans into a tizzy.  It’s remarkable how much this design has inspired so many of the designs you see on sneaker racks today.  It may very well have been far too before it’s time

Air Jordan 10

The design of the shoes are so simple, that it’s actually quite beautiful. Nike released five of these shoes for five different teams in the NBA including the Sacramento Kings, New York Knicks, Orlando Magic, and Seattle Supersonics in their respective colors. It was also later in the year that MJ broke out the #45 in his return to the hardwood and back to doing what he did best: playing basketball.

Air Jordan 11

 

Like I said before, the Jordan’s got a lot simpler. It’s mostly what Jordan did in these shoes that raised eyebrows. He managed to lead his team to a championship, an NBA record 72 wins, and an all-star game all one year removed from coming back to the NBA. Also what I stated before, the Jordan brand will certainly make you look cool, but there’s no proof of the average human being able to complete such a feat that Michael has done for his career.

Air Jordan 12

 

A fairly interesting design by Nike, this was the first Jordan that actually was a part of the Jordan Brand collection by itself. The previous eleven were all strictly owned by Nike. The design was inspired by Japan’s rising sun. It is not clear in the specific shoes above, but the red and white sneakers clearly show where the idea come from. Jordan won another championship in these shoes, so nothings changed as MJ was still kicking ass and taking names.

The Air Jordan Sneakers 25th Anniversary Collection Story Continues . . .Click Here!

 

Get your Jordans here and get FREE shipping!

 

 

 

 

It’s the Shoes, Money! The History of Air Jordan’s (Part 2)

As we left part one, we went through the early history of the Nike sneakers endorsed by Michael Jordan. The gym shoes that could go for thousands of dollars, depending on the rarity, have been a Sneakerheads dream for over 20 years now and now have even more to look forward to with the 25th anniversary sneaker endorsed by all-star Dwyane Wade.

The second half features a wide-ranging, array of designs, features and different looks that we had not seen before from the Jordan brand. So without further adieu, I bring you Jordan’s 13-25.

Air Jordan 13

They say this one was inspired by a panther, but I think they’re just reaching for comparisons now. There are holograms on each shoe that feature a basketball, the number 23, and the ever popular “Jumpman” logo. These shoes were the last Jordan’s to see an NBA championship by MJ and it would be the next year that we would see Jordan retire for the second time.  Panther?  Nah.  But Cougars Love them!

Air Jordan 14

 

It’s at this point the designers at Nike decided  you know what, I want the opening of this sneaker to look like a vagina, and there you go. The next two Jordan’s feature exceedingly long back ends while the front is sleeker and as I originally thought when I first saw the sneaker, it was modeled after the Ferrari which not only answers the question of why the unique design, but also why the opening of this shoe resembles a vagina.

Air Jordan 15

 

I think they went a little overboard on this one. These are regarded by many as the ugliest Jordan’s to date and you can do nothing but agree. These shoes are “Fugly” and it’s doubly disappointing considering that we’re used to the Jordan brand putting out some of the nicest sneakers in the game. There isn’t much else to say because of the bland design and the ridiculous looking opening at the top. I’m sure many hoped there would be an improvement after this atrocity.

Air Jordan 16

Well we certainly got something different, it’s An improvement  . . . which is not saying a lot considering, but I have one question “Where the hell are the laces?”  Although folks were happy to get away from the previous incarnation, this design was universally panned as well.  Many felt it looked as if this shoe was wearing a poncho. Overall though it is a nice performance sneaker and was a huge step up from the 15′s.

Air Jordan 17

This was modeled supposedly after an Aston Martin, the flow of Jazz, and the innovation of the Jordan history. I just say who cares, give me the shoe. The design is interesting, and unique, which is a plus, but there is just so much going on in one shoe. This was by far the most expensive Jordan shoe to date at an MSRP of $249.00 on release day.  It also came in a metal box, and packaged with a CD. This shoe was special though because of the fact that Michael Jordan had returned to the court for his final bow. Joining the Washington Wizards and proving that even at 40, you can still beat up on little kids.

Air Jordan 18

This shoe just puts me to sleep.  It’s a very simple design and while simplicity works in some aspects as we have seen a number of times from Jordan brand, but this one just gets too simple. It’s at this point where we see a new head designer as well and starting off like this isn’t exactly getting off on the right foot. It is different, but they needed to go a little more all out on this shoe. This was also the last shoe Michael Jordan wore on the court as he retired for the last time.

Air Jordan 19

Very similar to the 16′s, these Jordan’s also featured the strange netting on the front and not laces. It’s definitely a step up from the 18′s as they went from too simple to just enough. While the shoe on the outside wasn’t as appealing as many others, it was when you wore it that mattered. These were the lightest and most supported shoes of any of the sneakers and were widely endorsed by new members of Team Jordan since the great one’s retirement. It now becomes prominent to see NBA players wearing the sneakers.

Air Jordan 20

I remember the day these came out – everyone was jonsing for them, totally craving them. Easily one of my favorite sneakers of Jordan brand, the design was so much more different from the others that it just struck me. We also saw the previous designer that had done the previous shoes before the 18′s. The strap provided ankle support and the designs on the cover were phenomenal. It’s easily one of the best shoes of the second half of the Jordan brand and left a lot of expectations of what was to come.

Air Jordan 21

A new designer is clear in this one as we see something completely different from the previous sneakers that came out. The inspiration is supposed to be that of the Bentley Continental GT which you can somewhat see midsole when you compare it with the grill of the Bentley, but otherwise else all I see is a shoe.  It’s a sleeker look that the earlier Jordan’s, which by this time were considered quite retro, in demand and extremely valuable!

Air Jordan 22

It was said that the inspiration here was the famous “Air Supremacy” Stealth Strike Fighter the F-22 Raptor jet. I think you can see this especially at the base, as where the rubber hits the road is a stealthy gray and if you look quick can almost give the wearer a bit of a “Floating” look. This is a fantastic basketball shoe as the sole really allows you to stick to the ground which speaks volumes  of Sneakerheads and their ability to understand that  sometimes Jordans were meant to ball in and not just to show off ballin’.

Air Jordan 23

This shoe is..ummm..different?  The style is so strange that I don’t even know what to say. It is considered to be the most comfortable of all the Jordan’s, but the design is so weird that it takes a lot away from it. It is easily the most unique of any of the Jordan’s and doesn’t even look like it would be made by Nike. There’s a thumb print of Michael’s on the tongue which is nice, but otherwise else this shoe just freaks me out.  Very alien and area 51 inspired – even in color!

Air Jordan 24

The most recent of the released Air Jordan’s, it was viewed as “Nothing Special”, likely because the anticipation surrounding the 25th release.  Upon a closer inspection though it’s a very handsome and high performance addition.  Had it been in the mid teens it likely would have enjoyed for more attention and popularity.

It reminds me a lot of the 21′s because of the design on the top that features a bump on the outside. It provides a lot of support for a basketball player and appears to be more of a players shoe rather than than the casual sneakerhead who wears the Jordans mostly for show.

Finally . . .The Air Jordan 25 is set to come out tomorrow -February 13  -and there is no doubt it will be met with eager anticipation and wide grins from sneakerheads basketball players and the “Sneakerati”  alike.  The Jordan brand also offers many variations including the six rings, Spizikes, and Teams which feature many other designs. It’s probably going to be valued at least at $300, but these things are recession proof . . . and besides Michael Jordan needs your money.

To read Part 1 of this feature click here.

10 Hottest NFL Cheerleader Squads

As we reach the end of the NFL season, we learn to appreciate all that happens in football and how it can bring an entire nation together. A sports loving, gambling, and obsessed nation. It’s the ultimate man sport and features everything that a man is about: hard hits, legendary games, and leaving responsibilities behind for a day of relaxation. Football has it all and unlike many other sports: it even has women. I’m not talking about the kind of woman that you’re trying to get away from, I’m talking about this kind:

The cheerleaders. You won’t find many groups of hot women that love dancing and wearing waist-high skirts anywhere else besides the NFL. The best part is that it’s all free and it’s only semi-creepy to stare. With 32 NFL teams and 28 of them with cheerleader squads (what the hell Green Bay, Detroit, Chicago, and Cleveland), there can be only ten that crack this list, so break out the lotion and lock the door it’s the ten hottest cheerleader squads.

10.Carolina Panthers

I think I’ve made my point.

While the Carolina Panthers haven’t amounted too much besides a Super Bowl appearance in their 15 year history, they still have the cheerleader’s to back them up and the primary reason they have cracked the list is due to the traffic stopper to your left.

That’s not even the best part either, two cheerleaders, Angela Ellen Keathley and Renee Thomas, were caught in a nightclub bathroom having sex with each other. The police were called due to patron’s getting annoyed with the fact that the two were taking too long.

Now I’m not saying sex in public developments is the correct thing to do, but if it happens to be two intoxicated Carolina Panthers cheerleaders, then at least let them finish what they started and I’m sure they’ll go on their merry, drunken way and regret it for the rest of their lives after, without police intervention.

Lesbians+Cheerleaders=Always a good mix.

9. Houston Texans

The Houston Texans don’t make many top ten lists when it comes on the field, but when it comes to their cheerleaders they make it with ease due to their, ahem, assets.

The city of Houston is lucky to have a football team after they saw their Oilers move away, there wasn’t much promise of another team returning until they saw a team with the most unoriginal  name in the NFL ever pop up in Houston once again.

They now have their mediocre team back once again and have their cheerleaders on the sideline cheering them on to another .500 season.

8.Philadelphia Eagles

They’ve booed their team. They’ve booed their coach. Hell, they even booed Santa Claus. But we have yet to hear Philadelphia Eagle fans boo their cheerleaders yet and I don’t think they’ll ever have a reason to.

The Eagles might have disappointed this year, as they have many times before no matter how far they get into the postseason, but the city of Philadelphia still has it’s girls in green and black to look forward to next year.

Get on Donovan McNabb and Andy Reid all you want, just leave the cheerleaders out of it.

7. San Francisco 49ers

One of the more legendary franchises of the NFL, the San Francisco 49ers not only have Hall of Famer’s and Super Bowl’s to their name, but surprisingly have quite the set of cheerleader’s as well.

The girls in gold and red, better known as the Gold Rush, make it even hotter in the sun parched city of San Francisco and for some strange reason only entertain a few of the men in the city. Female cheerleaders and the city might not mix too well, but they’re welcome with open arms anywhere else.

6. Jacksonville Jaguars

Attendance has been down at Alltel Stadium in Jacksonville and I don’t think the cheerleader’s are the one’s to blame.

If this team ever does decide to move, they better make sure to take these girls with them because acrobatic, flexible women aren’t exactly given out like interception’s at a Detroit Lions game.

Keep the Jaguars in Jacksonville and don’t take there cheerleaders away.

5. San Diego Chargers

They might have had their Super Bowl dreams crushed, but at least the San Diego Chargers still has it’s Chargers Girls.

Like many other West Coast and Southern cities, it tends to get hot in San Diego which only means the temperature rises and the clothes begin to shed. The Chargers Cheerleaders appear to have no problem with this.

Maybe Nate Kaeding was too busy looking at the sideline when he was missing three field goals.

4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Appreciate the Bucs ownership for bringing about a new look on the franchise. The ‘Swashbuclers’ as they used to be called wore Creamsicle colored outfits that did not prove attractive to the average human. Despite how the girls on the sideline looked, the orange nightmare’s was a distraction.

As a man, I must say this is quite the improvement.

The Bucs not only have a Super Bowl to their credit since the makeover, but now have one of the most elite cheerleading squads in the NFL and they not only have the outfit’s to thank, but of course the one’s wearing it.

Not to mention, Tampa is known for it’s strip clubs, so try and connect the dots on that one.

3. Denver Broncos

Denver isn’t exactly known for it’s beaches, but when they exported the Broncos cheerleader’s to one, it was a sight to behold. Being a mile high from sea level, it’s rare to see the cheerleaders actually able to cheer without suffering from the air pressure or forced to put their clothes on when the snow hits in October.

Despite all the obstacles they’ve had to overcome, the Broncos cheerleaders still managed to make it to number three on this list and have obvious reasons (see above) why they are here.

Why would Jay Cutler want to leave this?

2. Miami Dolphins

The city of Miami is known for a lot. The heat, the diversity, the cocaine, and the Miami Dolphins cheerleaders.

When it comes to Miami, the clothing option is either minimal or none at all and we here at Coed have nothing against that. The Dolphins might happen to dissappoint year in and year out, but their cheerleaders always have a place in our hearts and came only a few girls short of topping out at number one.

Miami has the perfect blend of girls from all parts of the world which would give it an easy number one in any other sport, but there is one cheerleader squad that just cannot be beat.

1. Dallas Cowboys

I honestly tried to make this list as dramatic as possible and tried to find a better squad than what the Cowboys have and I just couldn’t. Every girl on the Dallas Cowboys cheerleading squad is hot and I dare you spot one that can’t make the cut.

The Cowboys cheerleader’s always have been famous for being top’s in the league and it’s easy to see why. They strive for perfection every season and always put on a show for NFL fans everywhere.

They’ve been doing it for nearly 40 years, what’s going to stop them now.

Get a lifesize Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader wall graphic here!!!!

Five Actors That Need To Be Shot Directly Into The Sun.

Take a minute to think about someone you want to roundhouse kick to the face. I’ll give you a minute- -got it figured out? Good. Now imagine that person in a two hour movie being watched by millions across the world and getting paid $20 million to act like the same jackass that they have been portraying for the past decade. Have I got your blood boiling yet? Are you on the same boat as me, or in this case  -Rocket Ship?

Strap in and restrain yourself, it’s the five worst actors that are still somehow finding work and getting paid more money for a movie than you will ever see as a hard working [insert dead end job] who is blowing off work at the moment to read a masterpiece such as this one.

5. Nicolas Cage

Now I’m sure I can hear it already. Wait a minute John, Nicolas Cage was in National Treasure and that was good! He was also in Raising Arizona and Leaving Las Vegas and that is why he is only number five on this list and why Cage gets to sit up front next to me. Forget any sort of positive this guy has conceived and just take a look at any of the other 50 plus bombs he’s starred in.

Bangkok Dangerous.

Matchstick Men.

The Family Man.

Ghostrider. God damn Ghostrider.

Basically the movie is Cage riding around on a motorcycle emitting one liners for nearly two hours trying to kill some guy named Blackheart and forget it I’m done. There’s really no point going into it because it’s going to be the same as every other Nicolas Cage movie. [Insert Edgy Action title] Cage plays Soldier/Vigilante/Treasure Hunter in search of Terrorists/Random Evil Guy/Treasure and by the end of the movie will have audiences cringing/sobbing/ending up on a Maury special.

This could be arranged.

Oh and guess what, Ghost Rider 2 is set to be done by 2011 and will be ready to fill up movie theaters across the country with WWE and monster truck rally fans alike, I can hardly wait.

4. Ben Affleck

It’s pretty much a running joke whenever Ben Affleck pops up in a conversation(re-evaluate your life if Ben Affleck is a part of your conversations), but early in this douche’s career it seemed like there was a lot of promise. Good Will Hunting was not actually terrible and it was Affleck’s first big time role. So what exactly happened you say? Well…

Chasing Amy happened. Armageddon happened. Pearl Harbor happened. Daredevil happened. Gigli happened. Surving Christmas happened. It goes on and on and on and on.

Bombs Away!

Of all the talent on this list, Affleck has easily been in the most box-office bombs and for some strange reason that only God and James Cameron know, he keeps getting hired. After the first 10 busts, you would think that directors and casting agents are going to think, alright if we get Ben Affleck in this movie it’s already going to be mediocre and if it’s a speaking role then it’s game over. Sounds good, give him all he wants and put him as the likable love interest/sailor/love interest.

It’s also a recurring theme to see these actors ruin superheros such as Daredevil and Ghost Rider. Those movies should have been balls to the wall awesome and what happened, Nicolas Cage and Ben Affleck happened. Thanks buddy, here’s $10 million, now go star alongside [cute girl next door] and be [attractive male lead].

3. Vin Diesel

This is the least gayest picture I could find.

An action lover’s wet dream and my dark nightmare. Vin Diesel, born Mark Sinclair Vincent, has been given the title as your average, typical action hero ever since his coming out in The Fast and the Furious. He played the bad ass that every guy wanted to be and every girl wanted. For some reason though, the whole shaving my head and riding in loud cars didn’t work out all too well for me.

First off, the Fast and the Furious is not a movie. It should not be considered a movie because all it consists of is your average douchebag(Paul Walker) riding around in his whiny, visually annoying imported car racing people just like him. I see this everyday in Coral Springs and dont’ need to shell out $8.50 to see Ed Hardy’s poster boy do burnout’s in his Honda Civic. The only addition to it is Mr. Clean minus the lemony scent.

I want this guy to drive really fast.

Following the “success” of the Fast and Furious, Diesel followed it up with xXx(the sequel coming out in 2011), two Chronicles of Riddick(with a third coming out in 2012), The Pacifier, another Fast and Furious, and Babylon A.D. If Diesel did not provide the voice of The Iron Giant, then he could easily see himself in the next spot, but alas every bald, box office drag has his day.

2. Brendan Fraser

We are really scraping the bottom of the turd barrel on this one. It’s like playing backyard football barefoot and stepping right into Spike’s freshest, latest dropping and when you look at your foot, you say to yourself: This sort of reminds me of Brendan Fraser.

From the beginning it was awful when Fraser was cast alongside Pauly Shore, don’t get me started, as Link in Encino Man. Initially from there we thought alright this guy sucks and it’s a good thing we’ll never have to hear from him again. Somehow though, Fraser kept getting work, it was minimal work and it was nothing special, but it was still work and even I thought that was too much.

He got his next big feature in George of the Jungle seemingly proven that the only role he could play was that of a anti-social caveman who could not speak proper English. That’s fine, keep him like that. The only good Brendan Fraser is a non-speaking Brendan Fraser.

Then the Mummy happened and it ended all hope of Fraser’s career ending as nothing more than a non-speaking jungle dweller. Now the Mummy sucks for two reasons. Number one: Brendan Fraser is actually speaking. Number two: That’s not the Mummy.

Of course that’s not Fraser’s fault, but who knows they could have had someone ready to be wrapped up in toilet paper and then Fraser comes in and wants a newer, edgier mummy. Forget that, give me Abbot and Costello and have them run amuck for an hour from a slow moving, moaning corpse. Thanks for ruining that Brendan, thanks a lot.

1. Matthew McConaughey

McConaughey and his girlfriend, or your right hand.

McConaughey doesn’t get the pleasure of riding in my homemade rocket to the Sun, he will get catapulted by my homemade catapult. I’m not sure it’ll work, but it will result in either McConaughey reaching the sun or going full force into my front lawn.

There is just so much to say about Matthew, but it can easily be summed up in a few words. He is the same guy in every movie and has been the same guy in every movie for the past 20 years. There is not a second dimension to Matthew McConaughey and once you have seen one of his movies, you’ve seen them all. He’ll play the male lead and will go on some sort of adventure or just be the average guy(either way he’s going to have no shirt on) and come out triumphant with whatever he needed to do and get the girl that he’s been swooning over for an hour and a half.

Kill me please. Well I guess that’s why I’m driving this voyage of destiny. I named the rocket that and I think I’m doing the world a favor, you’re welcome.

The movies to note: The Wedding Planner, Fool’s Gold, Failure to Launch, Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, Sahara, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, U-571….

Blast off.