Regretflix: 7 Titles To Avoid On Netflix Instant [VIDEOS]

It’s a boring Wednesday night. You just sent the last disc of Breaking Bad back to the Netflix shipping center and you have nothing to watch. Or do you? Netflix will stream thousands of titles to pretty much any device you have around. (I’m an Xbox 360 man, myself.) The problem is that for every thousand titles, 900 of them are absolute garbage- filler to pad out the roster. Sure, they have Kick-Ass, The Shining, Fargo, and The Other Guys, but you’re about to swim in some dangerous waters, and we’re here to point out a few of the (badly cgi-ed) sharks in seemingly safe genres.

Horror: Santa’s Slay

One thousand years ago Santa (the immaculately conceived child of the Devil and a woman) lost a curling match against an angel. As a result, Santa was forced to be good and deliver gifts on Christmas for 1,000 years. Now, with time served, Santa’s back on a killing spree.

Most of the film is typical B-movie schlock but the opening scene where Santa (played by wrestler Bill Goldberg) savagely murders an obnoxious family that includes Fran Drescher, Chris Kattan, and James Caan is worth the five minutes.

Sci-Fi & Fantasy: Battle of Los Angeles

“Battle of Los Angeles” should not be confused with the big-budget “Battle: Los Angeles” starring Aaron Eckhart and Michelle Rodriguez. “Battle of Los Angeles” stars Kel Mitchell and… that’s it. But certainly the star of such hits as “Good Burger” and “Mystery Men” can carry the heavy burden of straight-to-TV movie produced by the Syfy channel, right?

“Battle of Los Angeles” is basically “Independence Day” with a ninja (what?) and a bunch of designs stolen from other popular science fiction. Kel faces off against what looks like a prototype Dalek, Korben Dallas’s taxi with a gyroscope on the front, and little flying robots that look like a cross between 343 Guilty Spark and a minesweeper mine.

Action & Adventure: Titanic 2

The Netflix synopsis of “Titanic 2” claims that “titanic irony looms” over the maiden voyage of the luxury cruise ship Titanic 2. That seems silly since, if some rich jerk actually built a replica of the Titanic and planned to sail it across the ocean, everyone would expect it to sink. So when an iceberg is hurled into the side of the ship, breaking it in half, it’s less “irony” and more “uh, duh.”

Some of the film techniques are remarkable. When a stealth submarine is in trouble deep underwater in the middle of the night my television was totally black for several minutes. Every scene not shot on the boat is done with a green-screen about as well executed as a Daily Show correspondent segment.

Comedy: #1 Cheerleader Camp

If you like predictability, homophobia, and jokes that weren’t good enough to get into the ninth American Pie movie then hit play and start streaming “#1 Cheerleader Camp.”

The spiky-haired protagonist signs up to be a maintenance guy at a cheerleader camp (and is almost surprised it’s full of cheerleaders) where his roommate, a floppy-haired perv, knows all the best ways to see the girls taking off their clothes. (Nothing much more than walking into any nearby building.)

If you’re looking for late night almost-but-not-really pornography, the movie works. …As long as you can get past the part where the pervy friend gets stuck in a bondage three-way with the camp director and her elderly mother.

Drama: Freestyle

“Freestyle” is a British film about a bunch of London kids who really love basketball. Unfortunately they call it netball and learned all about it by watching old Harlem Globetrotter tapes. So these inner-city London kids compete in freestyle basketball dancing shows. The award is either a scholarship to “uni” or a contract with the NBA. The plot is a bit murky because most of the characters talk like Ali G.

All told, “Freestyle” is a drama the same way “Glee” is a drama. It’s hard to take the issues of poverty or rape-by-ginger seriously because all these kids care about is being the best basketball dancer.

Television: Jeremiah

There’s plenty of great television on Netflix instant. Classic sitcoms, premium cable shows like “Weeds” and “Dexter.” “Jeremiah” is not one of those shows. I love a good post-apocalyptic story but this one doesn’t cut it. The world is in ruins because years ago a disease swept the world, wiping out everyone who’d gone through puberty. The result is a fairly generic type of post-apocalyptic society. Decaying towns, open air markets trading bits of salvage, feral raiders. Nothing unique. Luke Perry and Theo Huxtable wander the ruined landscape righting wrongs and trying to unravel the mystery of the disease. Ultimately it’s not interesting enough to be good and not bad enough to be funny.

Thriller: The Sitter

Abby is a sweet, pretty, college age babysitter with standard-issue interests. She loves kids, arts and crafts, responding to situations with disproportionate anger, cooking, enticing fourteen-year-olds sexually, and Ultimate Frisbee. She went to UC Santa Cruz and she wants to kill the mother of the kids she babysits and marry the dad.

Abby’s jealous rages, delusional fantasies, and bizarre threats against six-year-olds are often edited together poorly which makes for several jarring transitions. It’s unnecessary as an artistic device because watching a hot college grad obsess over a dorky middle-aged lawyer is jarring enough.

So have fun out there, readers, but remember, all the best stuff is typically on DVD.

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Chronic Illness: The Garden State Goes Green

They are growing something new in the Garden State.  New Jersey recently became the 14^th state in the nation to legalize marijuana for medicinal purposes. However, getting weed in Jersey is going to be very strictly regulated so your local dealer isn’t out of business just yet.

Unlike California, where they pass out pot for vague ailments like anxiety and pain, only those with severe ailments are going to score. Don’t bother dropping by the pharmacy on your way to that Dave Matthews concert unless you have something comparable to AIDS, MS, or muscular dystrophy. And even if you have Lou Gerhig’s disease it’s not a quick trip to CVS – at first medical marijuana will only be available at six government-run locations.

“That’s lame,” I can hear art majors across the state cry, “but if I get cancer then I’m free to blaze whenever?” Well, no, but way to look at the bright side. The law will strictly limit what weed can be prescribed for. Furthermore, there will be a lot of rigid rules regarding distribution: Eligible patients can not use their meds in public. Unlike some other states, patients cannot grow their own. The most one patient can get is two ounces of weed a month. The state sets the price of a dime bag and insurance is not required to cover it.

Not just anyone can write a pot prescription either. The doctor must have a license to practice medicine and surgery and must also have a bona-fide relationship with the patient.

While the bill may not be great for college students looking to get… healthier, it’s great news for people with actual diseases. Marijuana has been proven to help people suffering from excruciating pain caused by illness. It’s also been found that when patients with multiple sclerosis take marijuana extract they experience a reduction in spasticity (involuntary muscle spasms) and a marked improvement in mobility.

Down the line, additional for-profit distribution centers may open. The proprietors will have to get licenses from the Department of Health and Senior Services as well as pass a criminal background check. Some people (you know the type) are afraid that legalized medical marijuana will cause kids to think more about using drugs. The executive director of the Drug-Free Schools Coalition expressed concern about these for-profit centers. “There are going to be pot centers coming to neighborhoods where people live and are trying to raise their families,” he said. I completely sympathize. As a native resident of the state I enjoy the safety of driving to the liquor store a half mile down the road. Or to the several bars scattered throughout my modest downtown. Heaven forbid that a regulated center for the distribution of medical marijuana jeopardize all that healthy alcohol.

So what does this all mean for the people of New Jersey? For the very sick it means some long-awaited relief. For all you healthy potheads out there it means secretly hotboxing your friend’s car a little longer. Just until they legalize it.

Replay Value: Three Hot Sequels You Should Be Excited For

Sequels are a tricky thing. Sometimes you get something truly great, something that takes the great aspects of the originals and improves upon them. Other times you get a frustrating attempt to milk more money out of something great thereby cheapening the original in its disgrace. Three sequels to hit games are coming out this year that sound like strong candidates for the first classification.

Mass Effect 2

Commander Shepard is back. He (or she) took command of the Normandy 2 on the 26^th of last month. Trigger happy space travelers will be excited to learn that the four weapon classes from the first game have been expanded to a robust nineteen, including subclasses such as heavy pistols and sub machine guns. The graphics boast an obvious improvement over the last game which is really saying something considering how beautiful Mass Effect was.

As you should full well know, a core mechanic of Mass Effect is decision making. Mass Effect 2 will import your original game save so you can rest easy knowing that all your choices- deciding who lives and dies, who you screw, how you, in essence, shaped the plot of the first game- will write the history for the sequel. And what if you are new to the game? Not to worry, Mass Effect 2 will, through conversations with other characters, reconstruct the key events of the first game for you.

Bioshock 2

Oh joy, oh Rapture! 2K Games is taking you back to their alternate reality underwater city for more gunplay, gene-splicing, and machinery hacking. In the year 1970, ten years after the first game, return to Rapture as one of the frighteningly huge Big Daddies. That’s right, explore the city as one of those scuba-suited, creepy-little-girl-guarding behemoths. And while you will be able to gore puny splicers with your huge drill-arm, Bioshock 2 also offers a new mechanic of wielding a gun and your plasmid-granted powers at the same time.

I enjoyed the hacking Pipe Dreamesque mini-game from the first game, though I admit it did become a bit tiring after hitting five hackable targets one after the other. That particular part of Bioshock has been left out in favor of a new sort of hacking gun which will provide a different, simpler-looking mini-game to master.

If you were disappointed you couldn’t blast, freeze, shock, and send deadly insects to smite your friends in the first game then you will be pleased to hear that Bioshock 2 will offer five different multiplayer modes including a free-for-all killfest.

Bioshock 2 came out yesterday so, ladies, finding a Valentine’s Day gift for your boyfriend should be easy this year.

Dead Rising 2

That pesky undead problem Frank West had to face at the Willamette mall has escalated and now the United States is suffering from zombies on a wide scale. Dead Rising 2 takes place in Fortune City (think Las Vegas) and follows the exploits of former motocross champion Chuck Greene. It’s said that Greene will have more of a personality than West, star of the first Dead Rising. That shouldn’t be all too difficult as Frank West only had slightly more to offer than the shambling corpses he was fighting.

Since the protagonist is not a freelance photojournalist the mechanic of taking photos to earn experience is out. No more trying to point your camera down a zombie girl’s shirt for erotica PP. Console yourself, if you can, with the promise of chainsaw-equipped motorcycles. Now we’ll just have to wait and see if the “field a call from a lonely old janitor” mechanic was left in.

Like Bioshock 2, Dead Rising 2 is adding a multiplayer aspect to their one-player franchise. Players will play against one another on the in-game television show “Terror is Reality.” The mode has been compared to American Gladiators but when I hear “reality TV” and “ragged corpses” I think Jersey Shore.

Dead Rising 2 is slated to hit shelves later this year.

Alec Baldwin Competes in Olympics – So Can You

Jibjab, the masters of putting famous heads on goofy bodies, are at your service again with new Olympic themed customizable cards. If you have no friends because you are some sort of hermit or internet humor writer, well, feel free to use celebrities. Let’s explore the new sports available.

Rhythmics-

When creating these animations, make sure you pick people who somewhat fit the bodies provided. Conan O’Brein’s head on a little lady gymnast’s body sounds funny in theory but it is, in point of fact, the stuff of nightmares. Alec Baldwin and Tina Fey of NBC’s 30 Rock, meanwhile, fit in well. I feel like I owe fans of the show an apology because after seeing this masterpiece network execs will probably want to change the format of the show to all ribbon-dancing all the time. Sorry guys.

http://sendables.jibjab.com/view/JLvZh8awWAehr5gL

Figure Skating-

There are so many pop culture couples out there today that I had a hard time deciding who would benefit most from the fantastic  power of figure skating. Could the soothing balm of coordinated ice dancing mend the rift between Levi Johnston and Bristol Palin? Has Jennifer Aniston caused so much trouble that Brad and Angelina need to lace up their skates? No, in the end it was obvious that the two stars who needed it most were not actually romantically involved at all. It was the two most talented musicians of our age. Ladies and gentlemen, I present Kanye West and Taylor Swift. May the best “I’mma let you finish joke” win.

http://sendables.jibjab.com/view/wciLD9DPwh60QqjC

Skiing-

The skiing option is a little different as there is only one person. So who gets the honor of hitting the slopes? Who fits best racing an avalanche down a mountain? The choice was clear. Sam Elliott. Sure he does mostly character work and commercial voice-overs but he’s a bad-ass man with a bad-ass moustache and I think we can always use a bit more bad-assery in our day.

http://sendables.jibjab.com/view/hljj2xswQhKOLjnP