15 Ways to Really Piss People Off

I get pure joy out of seeing people getting flustered and pissed off. In some evil way their stress makes me feel better about myself.

After trying everything from cranking up the absolute worst dancehall music in the car to ripping horrendous ass in the elevator I’ve decided it’s time to update my Rolodex of annoying antics.

Here are 17 new ways to piss people off:

1. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sexual favors.”

2. Specify that your drive-through order is “TO-GO.”

3. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

4. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”

5. Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what you think.”

6. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. Read more

The Call of the Wild

Drunk dialing will only get you in trouble, no doubt about it. I’ve never heard of a positive drunk dialing experience, and that’s because there is no such thing.

I always drunk-dial people and leave these embarrassing messages. Sometimes I call my ex-girlfriend and have an emo breakdown about how much I miss her. I always wake up the next morning and feel appalled by my call log from the night before. I can’t just leave behind my cell phone when I go out at night, but I need to stop doing this! My friends think it’s hilarious. But what to do?

Good news! Though it’s not available yet in the United States, Virgin Mobile, at some point, will begin offering a service that allows cell phone users to block themselves from dialing numbers late at night. Cost of blocking call to ex-girlfriend at 2 a.m.? Seventeen cents. Cost of blocking call to your boss or professor? Priceless. (Well, it’s 17 cents. But you get the idea.)

With my phone blocked I’ll have to explore the danger of drunk Facebooking or even drunk texting. It’s never-ending, this need to reveal all my feelings to anybody who answers their phone.