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Video Games That Would Make Great TV Shows [POLL]
December 21, 2010 by jarkontaky

Over the last ten years video games have truly broken into the mainstream. A solid game won’t just fly off GameStop shelves, but they’ll end up on bookshelves and even the big screen. But what about television? With the exception of crummy cartoons based on Mario, Sonic, and Kirby, it seems that major TV networks are allergic to video game adaptations. It’s time for them to sack up and make quality TV shows based on our favorite games. We’ve even compiled a list to help them get started. You’re welcome, fat cats!
Making video game storylines into good television isn’t easy. First, you need a deep storyline and backstory that can be explored or expanded into a few years worth of quality programming. That’s no easy feat. Second, you can’t have too much gore. As much as we’d love to see it, the FCC would shut down a game based on Dead Rising or Mortal Kombat faster than people realized Paris Hilton isn’t talented. Beyond that, the skies the limit. Here are just a handful of tasty games that’d your time not playing video games less boring.

Mini Ninjas
Mini Ninjas’ softer side might not appeal to you at first, but after playing the game it’s hard to deny their adorability. I don’t just mean that they’re cute little warriors. If you look past the G-rated fighting, Mini Ninjas is as good of an action game out there. But, because they rescue an animal every time an enemy is defeated (like Sonic releasing animals after beating up baddies), No other video game out there would make a better cartoon. There’s a classic storyline of good versus evil, fuzzy animals, and ninjas. We smell an Emmy.
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Splinter Cell
For the more serious folk, Sam Fisher from the Splinter Cell series would give Jack Bauer have a heartattack, after Sam snapped his neck dangling from some overhead pipes. Sam takes a proactive approach to diplomacy, infiltrating and assassinating any organization even suggesting the slightest harm on U.S. soil. With 24 out of business, it’s time for Splinter Cell to start regulating, every Thursday at 9 p.m. ET, 8 CT.
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Enslaved
With all of the other iconic games in this list, Enslaved is certainly the dark horse. But, based on Journey to the West, a fabled Chinese novel, Enslaved certainly has the chops to make a compelling television show. The setting is in post-apocalyptic, so seeing New York City and other famous locations overgrown with wildlife would be really interesting (and eerie). Also, the protagonist, Monkey, would be unlike any lead character on television. He doesn’t like people, has a tail, is reluctant to help, and is controlled by Trip, the foxy antihero. Journeying to rescue Trip’s father wouldn’t be anything new to television, but the characters and settings could be explosive and even controversial. I’m in.
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Final Fantasy
With over 20 years of dominance in video games, some network, somewhere, could cash in on the fanbase Final Fantasy has attained. Sure the games don’t follow a continuous storyline, but that could make the writing and creative process of a Final Fantasy show all the more easier to be accepted by hardcore fans. Really, the only rules to follow are to have a band of rebels unite against an evildoer and to have side plots exposing characters’ inner struggles. SyFy would probably be the best fit for Final Fantasy, since the costumes, weapons, and settings would probably be a far cry from mainstream.
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Red Dead Redemption
Currently, there are rumors that a Red Dead Redemption movie is in the works, but until I see something more substantial than fanboy videos on YouTube, we’ll stick to our dream of a Red Dead show. John Marston is one of the best characters to ever come out of a video game, and his story trekking across the Wild West would steal the show. There aren’t any Old West shows currently, but there’s always room for spurred boots, saloons, and six shooters on TV. Giddy up!
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Metal Gear Solid
If any network picks up Splinter Cell, Metal Gear Solid would be a perfect countermeasure for competitors. Proclaimed to be one of the best video game series ever, Metal Gear Solid practically invented the spy/espionage game genre, and built a masterful story around Solid Snake, the protagonist. There may be a movie coming out based on the games, but with all of the adaptation flops Hollywood has turned out I’ll put my money elsewhere. Metal Gear Solid has enough drama, spy romance, and action to melt my TiVo, but it’d be worth it.
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Vote in our poll below and let us know if we missed any video games that could be great TV shows in the comments section:
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Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood [VIDEO GAME PREVIEW]
November 16, 2010 by jarkontaky

We’ve already stabbed, shot, dismembered, impaled, poisoned, and bludgeoned hundreds of baddies in Assassin’s Creed and Assassin’s Creed 2. In Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood, everything that made your stab-happy heart go aflutter in prior AC games gets turned up a notch, and Ubisoft has a few spring-loaded tricks up its sleeve, so watch your back.

The biggest addition is the new online multiplayer modes. With five assassin classes to choose from (each with its own special ability) playing against other AC fans looks badass. So far Ubisoft has unveiled two modes: Wanted and Alliance. In Wanted mode, players assume the role of predator or prey in one-on-one stalker games. In Alliance mode multiple teams go at it to see who makes for the ultimate assassin tandem.

With a lot of originality behind class system and a unique multiplayer experience that perfectly fits AC, Brotherhood looks to have itself a deep online experience that’ll keep gamers coming back long after beating the campaign. I’ll see you on the battlefield. Rather, you won’t see me…until it’s too late.

The single player experience picks up shortly after AC2′s conclusion. Resuming the role as Ezio Auditore, the campaign will take you through Rome–a city suffocating under the thumb of a corrupt Pope and military. The map is said to be over three-times the size of AC2′s Florence, which means there should be tons of exploration to keep you occupied. Ubisoft also brought back the light RPG elements of city building. You can personally bring Rome’s territories back to greatness by investing hard-earned (and blood stained) money in the banks, merchant shops, blacksmiths, and other businesses dotting the map.

While you help the citizens and regions of Rome recuperate from tyranny, you’ll be picking followers along the way. That’s right…in Brotherhood you recruit an army of assassins. You can send your minions out to execute contracts in far off territories, upgrade their gear, and assign experience points to give them offensive and defensive abilities.
What’s become of Desmond and the dozen other mysteries that AC fan-boys are drooling to know are still under a tight lid. But, with a light foot and swift blade you can discover all of the secrets behind Brotherhood on November 16. Go team Ezio!
Check out the latest trailer below:
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James Bond 007 Blood Stone [VIDEO GAME PREVIEW]
November 1, 2010 by jarkontaky

Keep you girlfriends close and your gun closer. James Bond is heading to town and he’s bringing a world of hurt and heartbreak with him. Bond’s new adventure, 007 Blood Stone hits shelves November 2 for Xbox 360, Playstation 3, Nintendo DS, and PC and from what I’m seeing being Bond in a video game has never been closer to the real thing.

In typical Bond fashion, Blood Stone puts you in the driver’s seat of several breakneck chase scenes in between doling out broken arms and knuckle sandwiches. A normal day on the job for James Bond includes jumping from aircrafts, chasing getaway cars, weaving through water in speed boats, and just about any combination of those at any given time. Though common for 007, having all of these elements in a single video game is rare, but expect to see every last one in Blood Stone.

It’s not enough to just don a penguin suit and drive fancy automobiles. To deliver the full experience of being James Bond, developer Bizarre Creations built a new combat system mimicking the brutality of Daniel Craig’s 007. Expect fast, seamless transitions from third-person shooting to efficient and downright dirty hand to hand combat.

Any game trying to live up to the blue-blood pedigree of a Bond experience needs three things: a caper expanding around the globe, a Bond girl worth dying for, and of course a frighteningly untouchable hero. Screenwriter veteran Bruce Feirstein (Golden Eye, Tomorrow Never Dies) puts all of these elements in the mix, and from what I’ve seen, it looks like the real McCoy. Blood Stone doesn’t pick up after Casino Royale or dovetail with an upcoming movie. It’s an original story putting you in the driver’s seat of MI6′s most badass agent in an attempt to recover a WMD from an unknown enemy. Giving Blood Stone legitimacy as a true Bond experience, Daniel Craig, Judi Dench (M), and Joss Stone all lend their vocals to Blood Stone.

What’s better than one 007? How about a gaggle of them? Blood Stone will feature a cops versus robbers like multiplayer where players will assume the roles of MI6 and mercenaries. All games modes have been kept under a tight lid, but expect to see objective based games–hopefully at least one where the goal is to land a Bond girl.
Screenshots
Trailer
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COED’s Guide To Rock Band Babes [Rock Band 3]
October 27, 2010 by jarkontaky

Thanks to games like Rock Band and Guitar Hero, even girls with no interest in video games can wire in and unleash their long-forgotten dreams of prancing around in a pointy bra singing “Like a Virgin.” So what does this mean for you? Well gents, Rock Band not only gives you common ground with girls regardless of their fascination with video games, paying attention to what she plays can help you peg what kind of punk rock princess you’re hoping to duet with backstage. So in honor of Rock Band 3‘s release yesterday, we take a look at the different types of Rock Band Babes broken down by position.

The Lead Singer
There are generally two types of frontwomen when it comes to Rock Band. There are those who can sing and those who can’t. Girls that can sing are showing off, and showoffs can be divas so proceed with caution. If she sounds more like a wounded cow she still might thinks she’s a good singer. So like a girl with talent, tread lightly. If she sucks and knows it, she’s probably a cool, uninhibited girl looking for some laughs. Regardless of her pipes, there’s one universal truth: frontwomen like the spotlight. Be prepared to pursue. But, at least she’s not wall-flowering. And if she’s lost in the music with you, you’re half way to helping her hit the high notes in the bedroom.
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The Lead Guitarist
If she’s strumming hot licks, you’ll know that she has a rock goddess in her. Strap in for a wild ride because it might not be a real guitar, but this shows prowess and confidence. If she can command the axe, I’ll wager my soul against a golden fiddle she knows how to shred in the sack too. If she’s playing like Clapton on LSD, make sure you can keep up. If she’s dominating you in Rock Band, she might write you off as an opening act and find herself a more manly headliner.
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The Bass Player
Bassists, by rule, sweat “cool.” A chick bass player knows how to groove, but is content to give center stage to the screeching drunk girls slurring “Living on a Prayer” like its 12:30 a.m. at the bar. To the untrained eye this may seem timid, but don’t be fooled. For every cocky, self-absorbed singer there is a quietly confident bassist. If she’s chilling out and slapping bass, she’s got the rhythm that makes sweet music in between the sheets, but she doesn’t want to be worshipped. Try some Marvin Gaye on this one.
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The Drummer
Drumming takes a lot of dexterity, timing, and badass. It’s also intimidating, unless you’ve had some training. So it’s rare to see a lot of girls getting in line for the drummer’s set, let alone rocking at it. If you do find yourself marching to the beat of her drum, she can probably do a whole lot of crazy-wild stuff (blindfolded and possibly handcuffed) in bed. She’s also not afraid to work up a sweat. And you’ll know that she’s at least capable–if not into–handling two sticks at once, if you’re into that sort of thing.
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The Keyboard Player
Making its debut in Rock Band 3, the keyboard is the newest addition to Rock Band. This makes evaluating hotness difficult because it has yet to be seen. But, if she prefers the keyboard to the other instruments, she is probably on the bottom of the rock goddess totem pole. That being said, she’ll likely have class, style, delicacy, and skills. Of all the Rock Band girls, if she tickles ivory she’s going to be the girl you want to take home momma. Sorry singer, guitarist, bassist, and drummer ladies, that’s the way it goes.
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The Sims 3 [VIDEO GAME PREVIEW]
October 26, 2010 by jarkontaky
Most people would consider a ”God Complex” as a bad thing. Not anymore. With the launch of The Sims 3, playing God has never been better. So get your maniacal laugh ready because EA is giving you all the tools in the toolshed, for better or worse.
New additions you’ll see in The Sims 3 include Karma Powers that can be unlocked by fulfilling your character’s wants and needs. The Karma Powers game changers that can make one day feel like a party at the Playboy Mansion, and the next day the apocalypse…literally. For example, players can earn Good Karma powers like Divine Intervention, which reanimates Sims that have died or the Giant Jackpot perk that makes it rain hundred dollar bills.
On the flip side, you can get medieval with Bad Karma perks like Epic Fail or Poltergeist. I won’t spoil all the surprises – let’s just say that it’s never felt so good to be bad. The caveat to all Karma Powers is in typical Sims fashion, there are consequences for your actions, so be prepared to reap what you sow.
With EA promising virtually non-existent load times when traveling about town, visiting the neighbors should be a fun prospect–unlike real life. For you wannabe architects, The Sims 3 will also have a town creator that lets you build and live in a town of your making.
The Sims 3 is scheduled to hit shelves on October 26 for the Xbox 360,Wii, and Playstation 3. Also, EA is putting the power of the Sims universe in the palm of your hand by releasing The Sims 3 on the Nintendo DS. This will be the first full-fledged Sims game available on the Nintendo DS.
Different features will be available to you depending on which console you choose to play The Sims 3 on. For instance the PS3 and Xbox 360 versions allow for instant uploads and downloads of user-created content. The Wii version has a four-player challenge mode, and on the DS players can use the stylus to customize Sim features.
Beyond Karma Powers, EA has expanded on all of the unlockable items, careers, and personalities. With all of the new goodies available, The Sims 3 looks like it goes far beyond expansion packs that The Sims has grown famous for. Having a more interesting and successful virtual life on The Sims might be a little depressing, but it beats getting VD for real. Live it up!
Check out the screenshots and trailer below or head over to the official website or Facebook page. For more screenshots, go to IGN.com.
Trailer
Screenshots
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WWE Smackdown Vs. Raw 2011 [VIDEO GAME PREVIEW]
October 25, 2010 by jarkontaky
Slap on some neon spandex and stock up on body oil. On October 26, Smackdown Vs. Raw 2011 hits shelves and it’s flexing some serious muscles. It’s only been a year since the last SvR, but developer Yuke’s has been hitting the weights hard, delivering a wrestling SIM that looks and feels closer to the ring than ever.
With over 70 fighters to choose from, SvR 2011 will have the deeper character roster than any other SvR to date. Also expect to see new characters available after the game’s launch plus some new WWE Legends like Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat making a debut in the SvR lineup. If that’s not enough testosterone for you, Create-a-Superstar mode will include around 150 new customizations, allowing you to create the ultimate WWE bad-ass. The Create-a-Finisher mode has also been upgraded, allowing you to create signature moves off the turnbuckle in addition to virtually any other wrestling position.

Getting power-bombed through a table always looks ridiculously painful, but with SvR 2011′s brand new physics system, don’t expect generic animations. Every foreign object will snap, bend, or splinter in bone-crushing correspondence to your enemy’s face. But if chair-smashing isn’t your thing, polish up your hip-tosses and power slams because SvR is bringing Royal Rumble matchmaking online for the first time. Nothing establishes dominance like throwing a stranger over the top rope.
WWE Universe will replace the old career mode and will add a couple of new moves. Your story will branch out based upon decisions made, rivalries, alliances, and of course wrestling matches. You can also roam the locker room and pick fights outside the ring. Road to WrestleMania includes storylines from Christian, Chris Jericho, John Cena, Rey Mysterio, and more. You can also choose storylines to end the Undertaker’s undefeated WrestleMania streak–but be prepared to get Tombstoned and/or lose your soul to the Deadman.
Rounding out SvR’s upgrades are expansions on the insane sandbox Story Designer mode. Yuke’s added voiceover commentary from real WWE commentators, entrance music, championship belts, and new cut-scenes. Expect to embark upon truly odd and profane adventures created by the legion of WWE fanatics and your everday weirdos.
Check out the trailer and screenshots below:
For more screenshots, head over to IGN.com or check out the official website.
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5 Instant Classic Halo Machinima Series
October 21, 2010 by jarkontaky
If George Lucas or Steven Spielberg were teenagers in this era not only would they be die hard Halo groupies, they’d make some kickass Halo videos for the Web. There’s tons of vids starring Master Chief–ranging from the deranged to downright awful. But, that’s the way it goes with Web videos nowadays. Thankfully, the good people over at Machinima collected a ton of coherent, even well-written Halo vids to help us get our geek on without wading through steaming piles of mind-numbing crapola. Here’s just a taste of the Machinima archives. Who knew Spartans had a sense of humor?
Red vs. Blue
No list of Halo satire would be complete without Red vs. Blue. Since 2003 Rooster Teeth has been putting out hilarious RvB skits reminiscent of Clerks and South Park. There are simply too many hilarious RvB vids, so we went with episode one here. Whether this is a walk down memory lane or your first time, check out one of the first, if not THE first, Halo parody.
Crazy Techno Jr.
There’s two universal truths about playing Halo multiplayer. One: kids get owned. Two: it’s always hilarious to own them, and in this kid’s case there’s no exceptions. The video may not have the “high” production value of Red vs. Blue, but this seven year old delivers, and I’m not even sure that he or she (it’s balls didn’t drop yet, so it’s hard to say) knows it. Come to think of it, it’s uncertain if this is a real seven year old. You never really know who you’re dealing with in a Halo lobby.
Phil
These guys at Black Light Productions seem to be Deathmatch elitists, minus the elite. Here’s another inaugural clip from a side-splitting series based on Halo. The Phil series captures all of the hostile energy of Halo multi-player and turns it into The Three Stooges. Their snobbery is hilarious and frightfully close to home. Watch a few Phil vids and tell me you haven’t said or felt like one of these characters at some point.
Arby ‘n’ The Chief
Clocking in over 30 minutes, this clip is more like a short film. Actually, it is a short film about making a short film. Forget the plot. In Arby ‘n’ The Chief Master Chief all but teabags his roommates with nonstop pranks and penis jokes. It’s a sophmoric video, but so is teabagging in Halo, which we’re all guilty of. At 30 minutes, it’s hard to admit you’re investing a half hour into somebody’s home video. But it’s worth it, and believe it or not some of the jokes are funnier the second time around.
Versus
Versus pits one game or one game’s features against another’s. In this clip, Versus tackles four of Halo Reach’s armor loadouts (Scout, Guard, Airborne, and Stalker) in a royal rumble between four Versus staff members. It’s not a skit, but it’ll remind you of nonsensical conversations between you and your buddies. These guys go from journalists to frat boys at the drop of a hat, and things get a little weird.
6 Face Melting Horror Flicks That’d Make Killer Video Games

Saw II: Flesh & Blood is the second video game based on the popular film franchise, it’s set to hit stores today, and it’s one of few horror movies that made the jump to game consoles, which is odd. Video games are all the about the gratuitous and the grotesque, so why aren’t there more games based on horror movies? After all, if every single Marvel and Disney film winds up with a lame video game, why isn’t Jason Voorhees lopping my head off with a machete in a bed-wetting video game? Did you know The Princess and the Frog has a video game? Seriously?! Let’s see the video game gods come back strong with a few games based on these classic horror flicks…
Army of Darkness
Who better to kick off a rash of badass horror games than Bruce Campbell? Back in 2005 Ash made an appearance in video games, but it’s been five years too long since we’ve seen an Evil Dead game. Ash may go through hell, but the world rejoices every time ha slips up with the Necronomicon. Rev up that chainsaw and let’s go.
Nightmare on Elm Street
They don’t make child molesters like they used to. Now they get embarrased on “To Catch a Predator.” Krueger films may only scare 10-year olds, but Freddy would be a downright terrifying opponent. He haunts dreams and kills in real life. He turns minds into torture chambers, and every time some toddler wets the bed he gets stronger. Badass. Playing a Freddy Krueger nightmare late at night on the big screen television would be like watching your own nightmares in 1080p. ”One, two…Freddy’s comin’ for you…” I just peed a little.
House of a Thousand Corpses
I know it’s a Rob Zombie production, but this film is seriously disturbing even for him. Whatever you do, don’t talk to the yokels. They might have an underground circus of creeps and wackos waiting to rip your face off. An obvious choice for a survival-horror game, House of a Thousand Corpses doesn’t end well, but if you want a happy ending go play The Princess and the Frog. Don’t forget your tutu.
The Lost Boys
Before Keifer Sutherland was Jack Bauer he was a badass teenage vampire. Before Corey Haim and Corey Feldman became teenage has-beens they made a pretty decent vampire killing squad. I’d like to play as a vampire and rip Corey and Corey in halves so I could swap their torsos and legs. I don’t know why, but it seems appropriate. They’re practically the same person anyway. Nobody would care, right? Seriously, though, crawling into a vampire den during the day and staking vamps is a hell of a way to kill a summer. Plus, Star was hot.
The Prophecy
Angels are looking for an evil soul to turn it into an ultimate weapon against God. The movie sounds like a video game plot already. Add Christopher Walken voiceovers and you’ve got yourself an unholy gaming phenomenon.
House On Haunted Hill
Five guests stay one night in a haunted mansion. One by one the guests die. Is it the house or is there a killer amongst them? With the host handing each guest a revolver, all is left up to the imagination. Surviving the possessed mansion and the other four guests going crazy would be one hell of a night.
How To Turn Her Into a Gamer in Seven Days
October 18, 2010 by jarkontaky

It’s every gamer’s dream to reel in a gamer chick. Believe me when I say fellas that they are out there, so don’t give up. But, if you’re having a hard time picking up Ms. Hardcore Gamer at the discotech, you may be able to charm a curious lady-friend into becoming the Jean Grey to your Cyclops.
Chances are she’s not going to go gaga for the gory games right away. Break her in gently–hopefully you know how to do that by now. Eventually she’ll be reaching for the sticks at all hours of the night. Start her off with some chick-friendly games and soon enough she’ll be shotgunnning Mountain Dew and pulling Halo marathons just like one of the guys. Maybe she’ll even do it topless.
Monday
Nobody likes Mondays. So if you plan on slamming a complicated game on the lady, you might just fry the last nerve in her body that is considering sex. Steer clear of intense online multiplayer matches, gore, and (virtual) nudity. Instead, try Plants vs. Zombies on Xbox Live Arcade. The game oozes with warm fuzzy feelings even while you’re mowing down zombies. It’s an easy game to learn and has enough variety to keep game veterans slaying zombies for hours. Best of all, on XBLA Plants vs. Zombies has co-op. Now you’re combining addictive gameplay with cutesy flowers and working as a team to keep your lawn zombie free. If that’s not a panty-dropping trifecta, I don’t know what is.
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Tuesday
What’s pink, round, and fun to play with? You guessed it! Kirby’s Epic Yarn. Once she sees Kirby there’s no doubt she’ll start fawning at Kirby like you just showed her your floppy-eared puppy. Before you know it, you’re an hour into the game and she’s still drooling over how adorable Kirby is. Little will she know she’s knee deep in a kickass platformer that feels like a cross between Super Mario 3 and Little Big Planet. Join in on the fun with co-op action and show her how daddy takes care of business. After all, you don’t want her directing all of her puppy love at Kirby.
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Wednesday
She might be feeling stressed out on hump day. Use this to your advantage. Ask her to come over to blow off some steam with Borderlands. If there is any game to get her hooked on first person shooters (FPSs) and action games at large, it’s Borderlands. The beauty about Borderlands is that it’s meant for cooperative play. You share experience points; you can revive her if she gets dropped every five minutes, and difficulty is based purely on a level system. As long as she is ranked one or two levels above the baddies, chances are she’s going to blast enemies away like Tony Montana hopped up on yayo. If she’s not catching on to the game, let the Claptraps bring her around. These dorky robots provide tons of chuckles throughout the game and they’re guaranteed to make you look cool by comparison.
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Thursday
By Thursday she might be feeling a bit out of her element. After all, she’s been sitting on your pizza-stained couch for three days. Get her up off your dank sofa with Wii Sports or Wii Sports Resort. With motion-based games ranging from golf to swordplay to frisbeee, there will be at least one game she’ll learn quickly. Let her win a bit and watch the hours fly by. Suck it up and sacrifice your high score for brownie points.. Believe me, letting her win is a good thing.
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Friday
Now it’s time to cut loose. Pop in Rock Band or Guitar Hero and have a private jam fest. The more instruments you have for her to try, the better. Let her sing, bang the drums, slap bass, or even smash your plastic axe Peter Townshend style. Virtually every music game has at least one rock ballad that’ll tickle her six strings. If she starts singing at the top of her lungs like an American Idol reject, join in and let her know you like to party. You never know–she might give you a backstage pass for it.
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Saturday
Whether she likes dancing with the girls on Saturday night or she thinks dancing is lame, no girl can resist the temptation of Dance Dance Revolution. If you’re like me (a button smashing, RPG grinder), dance games aren’t in your wheelhouse. But think of it this way: she’s been trying your games all week long. Indulge in a little Charleston. Pop a lock. It’s not going to kill you. Look at the bright side. If she ever wants to take you to a club, at least you’ll have an inside joke about the time you twisted your ankle doing the Watusi during DDR. If that’s not enough, dance games involve bouncing and sweating. Thinking about cutting a little rug yet?
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Sunday
Here’s the big test. With some luck (and a lot of sweet dance moves) your lady friend will be waking up next to you. If the first thing she asks in the morning is what games you’re playing today, then you’ve got yourself a newly inducted gamer chick. Congrats! If not, rinse and repeat (or find another hotty to experiment with). Either way, pop in some some Mario Kart. Chances are she’s heard of the game or even played it before. The gameplay is easy and fun, and she’ll like the characters. Plus, if you don’t want her sticking around you can knock her off the track or launch all your red shells at her sorry ass. Hopefully she gets the hint to hit the road.
6 Bad-Ass Brain Munching Zombie Games
October 14, 2010 by jarkontaky

Like crash-test dummies to the automobile industry, zombies are perfect cannon fodder for video games. Simply put, there is no villain better suited to be shot to swiss cheese, bludgeoned, impaled, or decapitated in games than the walking dead. With zombies reaching new levels of infamy in games like Dead Rising 2, it’s only a matter of time before the zombie apocalypse is upon us. If my neighbors do turn into grey-skinned brain eaters, I’ll be ready thanks to these games.
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Ghosts ‘n Goblins
With hero Sir Arthur hacking through zombies and other creatures of the night in this classic platformer, Ghosts ‘n Goblins still stands as one of the hardest games ever. Many who’ve tried to beat Ghosts ‘n Goblins never got to see the end credits (myself included) due to its harsh health system, fast clock, and steep difficulty. But anyone who’s played will remember laughing at Sir Arthur losing his armor and fighting in his skippies after getting hit. Unfortunately, laughter is usually followed by vein-protruding frustration since you can only get hit twice before dying.
Ghosts ‘n Goblins started as an old quarters game back when arcades were cool and was later ported to home consoles like the NES. Ghosts ‘n Goblins was one of the first games to throw zombies at gamers, and it’s still one of the best. It survives today on the Wii as WiiWare.
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Resident Evil
Setting aside mixed feelings about Mila Jovovich’s cat-eyed heroine in the many mediocre Resident Evil movies, Resident Evil games are undeniably amazing. Fans of the series will have different ideas on which RE game is the best, but it’s a safe bet to say that this franchise put zombies back on the gaming map.
My fondest memories of RE come from Resident Evil 2, one of the only games to truly creep me out. Ammunition was scarce and puzzles were complex and rewarding. The zombies ate tons of bullets as an appetizer and my brains for the entree–which were served regularly during grotesque cut scenes.
Sadly, Capcom gave zombies a dirt nap in RE4 and RE5 by replacing zombies with Majini. But don’t feel bad. Capcom released Resident Evil: The Umbrella Chronicles, a rail shooter with tons of fan service in 2007.
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Dead Rising
Zombie games aren’t always about peeing your pants and survival. Sometimes it’s good ol’ slapstick comedy. For instance, what would you do with an entire mall as your zombie-killing playground? Dead Rising toys with a sandbox-style game where anything and everything can be used to keep zombies at bay.
Dead Rising 2 brings zombie killing to new heights with customized weapons you can build, co-op zombie bashing, and a Las Vegas-style atmosphere as your playground. I wonder if we can use zombie eyeballs to spin the roulet table. Sandbox gaming has never been better.
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Plants vs. Zombies
When it comes to zombie games, Plants vs. Zombies is on the G-rated side of the gore-o-meter. There are no skull-splitting headshots and you don’t get to watch zombies huddle over your body tearing at your insides buffet style. In fact you could say that the zombies are relatively cute. But even without seeing your insides fertilize the lawn, you’ll be hard-pressed to find a more addicting zombie game or tower defense game for that matter.
Using homegrown plants (no, not that kind of homegrown) for defenses, players plant defenses against zombies. It sounds simple, but with over 25 plants at your disposal and tons of colorful zombie classes, you’ll replace all desires to brain zombies with letting your garden make mincemeat out of your undead houseguests.
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Left 4 Dead
In Left 4 Dead, developer Valve created an experience where you play play both the living and the living dead. Sure perfecting the headshot is fun, but there’s no experience quite like devouring a friend in online multiplayer as one of Left 4 Dead’s monsters.
A personal favorite is using the Hunter-class monsters to wreak havoc on survivors. It’s creepy shriek and vicious attacks make it a truly scary character that keeps humans on their toes. Playing human is fun, white-knuckled experience, but gamers who love being bad won’t be able to resist going dark side in L4D.
Some may argue that Left 4 Dead’s monsters aren’t zombies. Granted, we never see “the infected” eat brains in L4D, but if they walk like zombies, talk like zombies, and chase down anything with a pulse like zombies, then I say who cares about classifying them. Run for your friggin’ life!
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Return to Castle Wolfenstein
This FPS dazzled PC gamers in 2001 with its various online multiplayer games modes. There was a co-op story mode where players used the Medic, Soldier, Engineer, and Lieutenant classes to stop Nazis from experimenting on corpses and developing supernatural weaponry. Standard deathmatch, capture-the-flag, and other objective-based games rounded out Return to Castcle Wolfenstein’s online arsenal, but there weren’t any zombies to kill unless you played story mode. But, putting nazies and zombies in front of my machinegun is a pretty good way to win me over.
Step Aside Michael Jordan, These Icons Deserve a Video Game
October 11, 2010 by jarkontaky
2K Studios released NBA 2K11 with Michael “Air” Jordan gracing the cover last Tuesday. In honor of His Airness’ return to the (virtual) court, it’s only fitting to daydream about other icons–fictional and real–I’d like to see be “like Mike” and make a return to popular culture via video games. After all, legends never die. Note: Bagger Vance not included.
10. Wilt Chamberlain
If MJ can be immortalized in a game, why not bring back the most dominant basketball player of all time? Wilt the Stilt, known for scoring 100 points in a single game amongst other NBA records, was also known for scoring big-time off the court. I can see the game now: “Twenty Thousand Dunks, Twenty Thousand Dames.” Just like Grand Theft Auto, the more chicks you bang, the healthier you get.
9. The Guyver
Another victim of its time, The Guyver was an early ’90s sci-fi flick where an alien bio-armor fused with a teenage boy. Mutants tried to retrieve the Guyver, but were thwarted by super Guyverness, hammy jokes, and even hammier acting. But, the concept of an ability-enhancing alien suit (think of Crysis’ nanosuit meets ultimate Spiderman’s symbiote ”black” suit), begs consideration. Alright, the Guyver isn’t exactly a “legend,” but it’s an alien suit. Way more potent than a birthday suit… well, if you’re a dude, at least.
8. Highlander
“There can be only one!” It never gets old. If any cult classic needs a reboot, it’s Highlander. Christopher Lambert and Adrian Paul carried the franchise through the 80s and 90s, but things have changed a lot since chinos and dusters were bad-ass. Okay, maybe dusters are eternally awesome, but I digress. You could poke fun at the (now) ridiculous outfits, but immortals killing each other down to the last man to obtain ultimate power is undeniable fodder for a video game. Besides, if Highlander is good enough for Queen to write music for, it’s good enough for me to play.
A few years back Square Enix moved a Highlander game into production, but development was cut short. Being that Square publishes a ton of great games, it would be bliss to breathe life back into the MacLeod clan in a fight across centuries.
7. Hercules
Hercules hasn’t made a star appearance in a video game since Herc’s Adventures in 1997. He cameo’d in 2008′s Rise of the Argonauts, but he played second-fiddle to Jason, and being that he was a non-playable character (NPC), I’m not counting it. We all know who Hercules is. He’s Schwarzenneger on PEDs, Ivan Drago on more PEDs.
Many of the games we play today mimic Hercules’ one-man-army ways. But I bet none of these copycats can make a tunic look terrifying. Hercules dispatched evil with his bare hands–giving noogies and atomic wedgies to anyone dumb enough to try to take on the ultimate Mr. Universe. Anyone powerful enough to challenge the gods should be cool enough to have his own video game.
6. Bugs Bunny
Alright, I guess I have to be the guy to say it: Mickey Mouse sucks. Anybody with a funny-bone knows that old school Looney Tunes trumps classic Disney. Bugs carried Looney Tunes for decades. Perhaps he could make a comeback to bring some much needed color to violent video games.
A Bugs Bunny video game might not be all buckets of blood, but Warner Brothers was no Pooh Bear when it came to including violence in its cartoons. You could expect exploding duckbills, jammed muskets, and loads of clever hijinks from the carrot-chomping, cross-dressing legend. With catchphrases like, “Of course you know, this means war,” how could you not at least consider playing a game with a sadistic, yet cuddly “Wascally Wabbit?”
5. Superman
Kal-El got the chance to punch Scorpion in the face in Mortal Kombat Vs. DC Universe in 2008, but he’s never had a fair turn at a decent video game. Maybe the video game brain-trust is having a hard time making a video game out of somebody who has incalculable strength, regenerative healing abilities, laser-beam eyes, freezing breath, and the gift of flight. Hopefully, someday somebody finds out how to make use of all those crummy powers.
Honestly, the hardest part of making a good Superman game should be finding an appropriate adversary. But DC comics has given him unlimited challenges from Lex Luthor to General Zod to Doomsday. After all, Batman finally got himself a respectable video game in Arkham Asylum. Can’t we show Superman the same love?
4. MacGyver
Officially the most bad-ass geek to ever don a mullet, MacGyver is the ultimate Johnny on the Spot. He’s cooler than Hugh Jackman hacking code with a gun to his head while getting head in Swordfish. Screw action games with guns. Been there, done that. Who needs primitive firearms when MacGyver can make a missile out of paperclips, a lead pipe, and duct tape?
3. Liono
There are rumors that the Thundercats are making a return to television in 2011. That’s great and all, but a Thundercats video game is long overdue. Liono, the young leader of the Thundercats, possesses all the qualities of a young hero, plus he has the speed of a tiger and the strength of, well, a lion.
Arch-nemesis Mumm-Ra was the scourge of Saturday morning cartoons. Also, henchmen like Jackalman and Grune the Destroyer make for perfect mini-bosses, while Mumm-Ra and the Ancient Spirits of Evil make for an instant epic game. Thundercats…HOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
2. Bruce Lee
“I do not hit. It hits all by itself.” Seriously, who deserves a good video game more than Bruce Lee? Please, hold your Chuck Norris jokes for later–Bruce Lee already kicked his ass and Chuck probably pees his Wrangler jeans every time he orders Chinese food because of Bruce Lee.
Bruce Lee has been honored in a handful of games, but no game has really truly recreated his fists of fury. With XBox 360′s Kinect, the Playstation 3′s Move, and Wii Motion, why not give us fists of fury in a motion-based Bruce Lee brawler? At least that would give good ol’ Chuck a chance to be as fast as Bruce. Or, a basic action-based game where Bruce beats everything to a pulp would do just fine.
1. Led Zeppelin
When, oh when are Robert Plant and Jimmy Page going to cave in and agree to Rockband: Led Zeppelin? Just the thought of it melts my brain and puts Guitar Hero: Van Halen to shame.
Last seen together in a 2007 reunion show, it’s been a long time since Zeppelin rock n’ rolled. Let’s show all the emo bands out there what good music really is.
So, which “legend” should get the Michael Jordan NBA2k11 treatment? Vote in our poll below.



























































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