7 Funny Slip and Fall FAIL Videos [ICE ICE, BABY!]

Winter is here and in full effect, which means plenty of icy roads and slippery sidewalks. And while the indignity of slipping and falling on an ice-covered walkway can hurt both your dignity and your ass, there’s nothing more fun than watching others suffer that very fate. Here are some of the best slip and fall videos on the ‘net. Watch them then watch yourself when venturing out this winter.

First Person Cameraman Fall

It’s in first-person! Just like Call of Duty, but way cooler graphics!

Cars Slide, People Fall

About the only thing dumber than trying to walk downhill on an ice-covered road is trying to drive downhill on an ice-covered road. Luckily, this guy has got those both covered.

Dog Slips and Humilation

This poor dog. It’s a chihuahua, so it already has that going against it. Then its owner puts “adorable” pink mits and pink coat on the poor little bastard and makes it slide around on the ice like it’s having a cute little dog seizure. Look in its eyes. You know it wants to die.

Reminds me of Suicidal Christmas Dogs.

Asian Competitive Sliding

Apparently sliding on the ice and falling on your ass is a popular sport in Korea. Hell, if I lived 100 miles away from a crazy dictator who wanted to nuke my ass, I’d probably be a little off too.

Intentional Sliding Gone Wrong

This guy’s internal monologue:

“Weeee! Oh no! Oh cool, I got it – ack! Ow that hurt, I better walk now. Nah, weeeee!”

It’s probably a safe bet that immediately after leaving the picture frame he was hit by a semi-truck.

Hidden Cam Falls

You see a dangerous patch of ice. Do you warn people, maybe even get some salt and clear it up? Or do you set up a camera and remotely film people getting hurt and laugh your ass off? We all know the answer to that question.

Live News Fall

The guys who set up that camera outside their window to capture people getting hurt? They moved to Dublin and became news producers, sending cameramen out on orders to monitor slippery sidewalks, hoping for a a near fatal slip and fall. Heck, the probably slicked down the sidewalk before turning the camera on.

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The 5 Worst Ads Posing as Viral Videos

Viral ad videos are a mixed bag. When they work, they work wonderfully, promoting a product while entertaining you all at the same time. When they’re bad, they’re awful, taking up valuable time and bandwidth that could have been spent downloading porn. Here are some of the worst fake viral videos on the Internet, the ones that insult our intelligence and make us want to not buy the featured product all at the same time.

Ruby Tuesday Explosion

The “last old Ruby Tuesday” is about to be demolished but when they flip the switch, whoops!  They accidentally blow up the wrong restaurant!  The idiots behind this masterpiece of BS really try to go out of their way to make it look “real,” but every piece of faux-authenticity, from the stupid popup window covering the video to the annoying brat yelling over it just screams fake. The horrible special effects don’t help either. Still, enough stupid people fell for it that Snopes even had to dedicate a page to debunking it.

All I Want for Xmas is a PSP

A lot of these viral ads try to make themselves look real, but at the end of the day, there’s still some transparency. Anyone who really thought the Ruby Tuesday video was real has their own lack of intelligence to blame, not Ruby Tuesday. The same can not be said for Sony’s “All I Want for Xmas is A PSP” campaign. They actually tried to pass this off as a legit video and blog run by a couple of kids who supposedly really wanted a PSP for Christmas. Thankfully video game nerds are less gullible than fans of family restaurants, and they got busted almost immediately.

The Man In The Jacket

A woman meets a man in a restaurant and falls madly in love with him. But she didn’t get his name, or number, or pretty much any identifying information whatsoever.  I guess she’s not good at this whole “meeting people” thing. But he did leave his jacket, so she does what anyone else would do; she steals it and creates a video blog dedicated to finding the man who owns it. I mean, that makes sense doesn’t it?

It’s an ad for a clothing store in Australia. But thankfully, Aussies aren’t idiots and the down under media figured out the sad marketing truth behind this one in a matter of days. There were several giveaways; for starters it was coincidentally uploaded right before Valentine’s Day and the supposedly web-savvy star of the video didn’t have a Facebook account. But the biggest giveaway to its fakeness is the overall idiocy of her entire plan. Why didn’t she just give the jacket to someone at the restaurant with her number inside the pocket? Geez.

And here’s a tip for all the women out there, if have to repeatedly say “I’m not a stalker” then, guess what? You probably are!

Amazing Ballgirl

This ad actually isn’t that bad. The idea is pretty good, the special effects are convincing , and the Gatorade product placement is very subtle. But that’s the problem. The special effects are so good and the ad placement so subtle that a lot of people to this day think this ad is real. So whenever you get an annoying forwarded email from your great aunt asking if you’ve seen this “amazing video” you can thank Gatorade’s ad team.

Def Jam Rapstar and Hulk Hogan’s Balls

Why are Brooke and Hulk Hogan shilling for Def Jam Rapstar? Brooke is a “singer” at least, so that kind of makes sense, but the Hulkster? Maybe they’re a package deal. Regardless, it still seems pretty random, if mostly harmless. That is until the Hulk decides to flash his junk to the camera crew (and his daughter!) for no apparent reason. Is catching an incident of indecent exposure really the best way to promote a new music game? Shockingly enough, the answer to that question is no. After several gaming sites begged to ask the question, “Why would Hulk Hogan sexually harass a film crew and his own daughter?” Activision fessed up and posted an uncensored version of the video, showing that the wrestler really kept his balls covered at all times. At the end of the day though, what’s more disturbing, the idea of Hulk Hogan flashing his junk around to random people? Or the idea of him faking it?

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Puck Him Up: The Greatest Hockey Fights Ever [VIDEO]

What’s the old joke, “I went to a boxing match and a hockey game broke out?” Casual hockey fans and die-hards alike can agree, the best thing about hockey is the fact that at any time two players (or entire teams) might drop gloves and just start beating the everloving crap out of each other, and the refs will let them do it! So get your copies of Slap Shot ready and check your false teeth. Here are some of the best hockey fights of all time.

Russian Hockey Fight

In Russia ice fight on the players! No, just kidding, the players beat the shit out of each other there too. In this massive brawl, everyone from both teams just give up all pretense of a genuine hockey match and turn the match into the Royal Rumble on ice.

Osgood vs. Roy

Is there anything in this world greater than a long, slow, stupid as hell goalie fight? I don’t think so. The best thing about a goalie fight is that you know they both have to really want it. To skate across the entire rink and take off enough gear to be able to throw punches at each other, thats a lot of work.

Boston Bruins vs. Montreal Canadiens

The Bruins hate Montreal…

Boston Bruins vs. Quebec Nordiques

…and Quebec…

Boston Bruins vs New York City

..Okay…the Bruins just hate everyone. But hey, if you can’t beat ‘em on the scoreboard, might as well beat the crap out of everyone else.

St. Louis Blues vs. Chicago Blackhawks – 1991

Every single player on the ice goes to blows in this St. Patrick’s Day fight. Maybe they were drinking beforehand?

Philadelphia Flyers vs. Ottowa Senators

If a fight can be judged by the number of gloves and helmets on the ground, than this two-part brawl between the Flyers and the Senators might just be the greatest brawl of all time. It starts out as a duel between Bashear and Ray, but it violence quickly spreads until the rink is transformed into a ice-coated wrestling ring.

Calgary Flames vs. Fans

Boston doesn’t have a monopoly when it comes to beating the snot out of their opposing team’s fans. But you can hardly fault them. The fan totally started it. He deserved to get beaten into a coma for squirting water at the bench!

Darren McCarty vs Claude Lemieux

Lemieux kicked cancer’s ass and went back to hockey, so a few dozen haymakers to the head aren’t going to stop him. These two seemed to go at it a lot.

Dennis Vial vs  Rob Ray

Some fights are slow-burning brawls that start kind of quiet before boiling over into full-fledged fisticuffs. Then there are fights that are like nitro. This is one of the later. Its less than 20 seconds long, but the punch-per-second count is epic. These two went at it a lot. Seriously. A lot.

Tie Domi vs. Ulf Samuelsson

Choosing your favorite Tie Domi fight choosing your favorite child or stripper or stripper child, you want to love them all equally. But this sucker punch stands out amongst the rest. It stood out for the NHL as well, as they suspended the legendary enforcer eight games for it.

Asian Hockey Fight

They have hockey in Asia? I didn’t even know they had ice there! Sadly, there are no kung fu kicks in this crazy fracas from the Far East, although there’s a great blindside about 25 seconds in that would make Jet Li proud.

Plymouth Whalers vs London Knights

The Whalers and the Knights are two teams in the Canadian Hockey League. A minor league for players aged 16 to 20. Nice to see that they start them off young in Canada. With fighting skills like these, its hard to imagine that any of these players didn’t go pro.

Handicapped Hockey League Fight

Hopefully no one broke a leg.

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The Best And Worst Songs About Food

Thanksgiving is here which means only one thing; it’s time to eat yourself into a coma! While eating is nearly a national pastime in America, there are shockingly few songs that are actually about munching down on food. So while it may be slim pickings (pun…intended) here are some of the best, and worst, songs about food and the eating of said food. Note: all of these songs are actually about food, songs about Robert Plant’s testicles and Kelis’ blowjob talents are not eligible.

The Best

Food Fight! – Be Your Own Pet

Eating your food is lame. Punk rockers fight with it, as Be Your Own Pet proved with this awesome track from their second (and final) album. Not only do they abuse others with their food, but the refrain of “sucks to be the janitor!” suggests that the little snots aren’t even going to clean up after themselves. Damn punks.

Peaches – The Presidents of the United States of America

Get your mind out of the gutter, this track by the weirdest group ever to come out of the greatest Seattle area is actually about moving out to the country and eating a lot peaches.  Apparently in 1996 that was all you needed to get a hit single and a Grammy nomination. Ah, simpler times.

30,000 Pounds of Bananas – Harry Chapin

Harry Chapin may be more well-known for “Cats in the Cradle,” the song every son has ready on his iPod for when dad skips out on their baseball game, but he also had a pretty mean sense of humor, as this tale of highway tragedy and potassium-rich vegetables carnage shows. The song is actually based on the true story of Gene Seski, a driver who lost control of his truck hauling, you guessed it, 30,000 pounds of bananas. Poor Gene died in the crash, but he lives on in this brilliantly stupid song.

Coconut – Harry Nilsson

Seriously, let me get this straight; she puts the lime in the coconut and drinks it all up,  but then she gets sick. So she calls the doctor, and he tells her to put a lime in a coconut and drink it all up and she’ll feel better. But wouldn’t that just make her sicker? Did she drink the lime in the coconut because he said so in the first place? This song is a mobius strip. The video certainly doesn’t help matters.

Nearly every Cibo Mato song

In the 90s this Japanese girl rock group baffled the indie crowd with tracks like Artichoke, BBQ, Beef Jerky, Birthday Cake, Know Your Chicken, Sci-Fi Wasabi, Sugar Water, The Candy Man,  White Pepper Ice Cream, Crumbs. It was fun at the time, but looking back, maybe it was the sign of a serious eating disorder.

I Want Candy – Various Artists

It seems that someone releases a version of this song every few years. It was first released by The Strangeloves back in 1965, and was actually covered later that year by Brian Poole and the Temelos. Since then it’s been remade my Bow Wow Wow, Mel C of the Spice Girls, Good Charlotte, Westlife, and most dubiously, Aaron Carter. Its enduring popularity proves that some people just really want their candy.

Savoy Truffle – The Beatles

This George Harrison composition is actually a warning against over-indulgence, with the line “you’ll have to have them all pulled out after the savoy truffle” referring having your teeth pulled out after eating too much sugar. While it may be a bit hypocritical for a British band to lecture anyone on dental health, there’s no debate that this is one of the greatest, if not the greatest, songs about chocolate snack food ever written.

Satan Gave Me A Taco – Beck

This is probably one of the only songs about food that might actually make you nauseous. This Satanic taco is really nasty, filled with bugs, raw meat and rancid rice that drives Beck to rip off all his clothes and lie in a pool of his own blood before joining a rock band and becoming a junkie. Why taco bell didn’t jump on the obvious marketing tie in remains a mystery.

The Worst

MacArthur’s Park – Richard Harris

Defenders of this track always say “it’s a metaphor, it’s not really about a cake!” Well, fine. But it’s a stupid metaphor, and it just sounds like a dude whining about how he lost his cookbook.

Timothy – The Buoys

Three miners are trapped underground and with food running low two of them overpower poor Timothy and make stew out of him. The only thing more shocking than the subject matter of this grim little pop ditty is that was somehow a surprise hit single when it was released in 1971. While the band that sung it, The Buoys, never scored a follow-up hit, songwriter Rupert Holmes found later success with an even worse song a few years later, “Escape (The Pina Colada Song).” What he really should have done is combined the two, and made the later track about two lovers who meet after answering a personal ad for cannibals.

Chicken Noodle Soup – DJ Webstar

Is this song really about chicken noodle soup? What the hell does the chorus of “let it rain, clear it out” mean?  What’s with the siren? Those are questions that we will probably never really know the answers to. What is known though, is that this is one of the most nerve-grating, brain-dead, mind-meltingly bad songs of all time. So bad it’ll make you swear off soup for a month.

Rock and Roll McDonalds – Wesley Willis

More proof that the 90s were really damn weird, Wesley Willis was a paranoid schizophrenic who somehow scored a major label record deal even though his “talent” was little more than shouting obscenities into a microphone and occasionally badmouthing Batman. This bizarre love/hate ode to McDonalds is one of his better tunes, but that’s really not saying much.

Fish Heads – Barnes & Barnes

This song is funny the first time you hear it. By the 800th time you hear it in your head, because it won’t leave, you’ll want to kill yourself. And yes, that is Bill Paxton you see there.

You’re Not A Horror Fan Unless You’ve Seen These 10 Films

Everyone seems to be a horror fan during the second half of October, but they always seem to pick the same movies; either the tired classics from the ’70s and ’80s (Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street, Halloween) that we’ve all seen a million times over, or one of those damn Saw movies. Forget those boring standbys. Here are some oughta be classics that you really should pop in the DVD player this Halloween.

Crawlspace (David Schmoeller, 1986)

The legendary (and legendarily crazy) Klaus Kinski is probably barely acting in this low-budget slasher, in which he stars as a sadistic landlord who MacGuyer’s the hell out of his apartment building so he can torment his tenants.

Tales From The Crypt (Freddie Francis, 1972)

The first movie based on the comic book, this rarely seen anthology piece features not only a zombie Peter Cushing but also a freaking hot-as-hell Joan Collins in a way-too-tight sweater on the run from a killer Santa Claus.

Alone In The Dark (Jack Sholder, 1982)

No, not the Uwe Boll monstrosity based on the video game (Why would you think that, what’s wrong with you?) but a little-seen 1982 that stars Jack Palance and Martin Landau as a pair of psychos who bust out of a mental hospital and cause all kinds of mayhem as they go after their doctor (Dwight Schultz – Barclay from various Star Trek shows). While Landau and Palance were certainly slumming it with this low-budget slasher, it doesn’t show in their performances. Both take their crazy to 11 here.

Pieces (Juan Piquer Simón, 1982)

Man, 1982 was an awesome year for crazy-ass horror flicks. Totally the second-best movie ever made about a chainsaw-wielding nutjob, Pieces is one of the most exploitative and offensive slasher films of the 80s, and features one hell of a bisecting.  Arms fly off, torsos get removed, and one water-bed really gets ruined. Its one case where the tagline really says it all, “Pieces: It’s exactly what you think it is.”

Phenomena (aka Creepers) (Dario Argento, 1985)

Everyone always says that Suspiria is Dario Argento’s masterpiece, but does that movie have a psychic/sleepwalking/jail bait 15-year-old Jennifer Connelly helping a forensic entomologist played by Donald Pleasence (who is also in Alone In the Dark) track down a serial killer? How about a murderous helper chimp and a soundtrack that features  Motorhead and  Iron Maiden? I didn’t think so.

New York Ripper (Lucio Fulci, 1982)

Italian director Lucio Fulci (the man who brought us a film where a zombie fights a shark) goes to the Big Apple for this  disgusting slice of sleaze that also came out in 1982. Sure, there are a lot of low-brow, exploitive movies about serial killers. But how many others feature a killer who quacks like a duck? Seriously, the killer in this flick sounds like Donald Duck.

Just Before Dawn (Jeff Lieberman, 1981)

Stupid teenagers go camping in the middle of nowhere and a duo of inbred mountain men decide to have some fun. The only person who can save them is George Kennedy, so they’re totally screwed. This movie is way better at being Friday the 13th than Friday the 13th ever was.

Trick ‘r’ Treat (Michael Dougherty, 2007)

An ensemble cast that includes Anna Paquin,  Dylan Baker and Brian Cox star in this criminally under-seen should-be classic that perfectly weaves together humor, horror, and super-sexy werewolves. The greatest Halloween-themed horror film since John Carpenter’s Halloween.

Blue Sunshine (Jeff Lieberman, 1976)

This is one trippy flick, which is appropriate considering it’s about bad acid that turns ex-hippies into bald psychotic killers. Maybe that explains Sinead O’Connor? From the same director as Just Before Dawn (although sadly lacking George Kennedy).

The Legend Of The Seven Golden Vampires (Roy Ward Baker, 1974)

Kung Fu warriors and Peter Cushing battle a low-rent Dracula and his band of Chinese zombie/vampires in this incredibly bizarre British/Hong Kong co-production. It’s not scary per say, but it does feature some pretty great 70s kung fu, plenty of cheesy bright-red fake blood and more barely dressed damsels in distress than you can shake a wooden stake at.

Horror Movies That Are (Not Really) Based on a True Story

Whenever you hear that a horror movie is based on a true story, it instantly becomes more terrifying because in the back of your mind during the film you’re constantly thinking “Holy @#$%, this actually happened? Well, actually it probably didn’t.

Most, if not all, horror movies that are “based on a true story” are about as grounded in reality as Avatar. More than any other genre, horror relies on advertising and word-of-mouth to attract an audience, and no PR team on the planet is going to let a pesky little thing like “truth” get in the way of their ad campaign. So while nearly all horror movie based on true stories are pretty much made up, here are five examples that are especially liberal with the “facts.”

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (Tobe Hooper, 1974)

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre opens with the following text scrawl, read by a very somber John Laroquette:

“The film which you are about to see is an account of the tragedy which befell a group of five youths, in particular Sally Hardesty and her invalid brother, Franklin…the events of that day were to lead to the discovery of one of the most bizarre crimes in the annals of American history.”

Creepy, but that’s a load of BS. No one in Texas with a mask made of human flesh ever went hunting after a band of teenagers (at least, no one ever did and got caught, who knows what the Bush family does in their spare time). The movie is actually loosely based on Ed Gein, who murdered at least two women and dug up the corpses of many others, which he would skin and use to make furniture out of.  So yeah, the dude isn’t exactly a saint, but he wasn’t Leatherface. Also, he lived in Wisconsin, but I guess “Wisconsin Chainsaw Massacre” just doesn’t sound as menacing.

The Fourth Kind (Olatunde Osunsanmi, 2009)

It’s too bad there isn’t an Oscar for “most midleading marketing campaign” because the makers of The Fourth Kind would have been a shoe-in. Instead they ended up with the next best thing , a lawsuit from the Anchorage Press Club, who didn’t take to kindly to the movie creating fake news stories and publishing them as real.

The Fourth Kind stars an annoyingly fully-clothed Milla Jovovicsh as a doctor investigating claims of alien abductions in Nome, Alaska. Throughout the film we are treated to “real” footage of the actual abductions the movie is based on.

Well, not only is that “real” footage completely staged, but its not even based on actual abductions. It’s fake documentary footage based on a fake story. Despite the film’s repeated claims, Nome does not have a higher-than-average missing persons rate, and there’s never been any evidence of paranormal activity surrounding the missing persons cases they do have. They can usually be attributed to a combination of cold-ass weather, heavy drinking and a substantial bear population. Maybe they didn’t think that “Cold Drunks eaten by Bears” would be a good movie?

The Strangers (Bryan Bertino, 2008)

In The Strangers someone knocks on Liv Tyler and Scott Speedman’s door asking for someone who isn’t there. That’s the beginning of a night of terror where three three knife-wielding, doll-faced killers stalk them through the house. The movie was “inspired by true events.” Which is just one step above saying “look, we just made all this up.”

But what exactly are those “true events?” Well, when writer/director Bryan Bertino was a kid, someone knocked on his door asking for someone who wasn’t there. Then they left. It turns out they were robbing the houses of anyone who didn’t answer the door. Going by that logic I could make a movie about a band of serial killers hunting me in the woods and say it was “inspired by true events” because when I was a kid I went camping and had an okay time.

The Last House On The Left (Wes Craven, 1972)

One of the most vile and wonderfully disgusting film’s ever made. Wes Craven’s exploitive rape-revenge masterpiece helped to usher in the age of modern horror, taking the genre away from the fantastical monsters and ghost and placing it in brutal reality, where serial killers and other evil-doers seemingly lurk on every street corner.

The movie begins with a disclaimer “The following is based on a true story. The names have been changed to protect those still living.” But in reality, the movie was actually based on The Virgin Spring, a 1960 Swedish drama made by filmmaking legend Ingmar Bergman, which in turn is based on a 13th century ballad – proving that 13th century Swedish ballads were pretty bad-ass.

Hostel (Eli Roth, 2005)

The tagline for Eli Roth’s torture porn extravaganza was also “Inspired by true events” but a more accurate one would have been “inspired by something might have Eli Roth read on the Internet.” Supposedly the director was shown a site that advertised “murder vacations” for the obscenely wealthy and he was inspired to make a movie out of it. Sure, he could have reported it to the FBI or something, but where’s the fun in that? Mostly likely, the entire story was made up by Roth and his PR team to stir up controversy for a movie that probably didn’t need any considering the high content of xenophobia, homophobia and graphic gore it had.

The Scariest Bands Of All Time

Death metal, black metal, heavy metal. Whatever you call it, it’s gaining traction. What once was “underground” and “niche” is on the verge of tearing through America’s sternum. Take a look around the media landscape: Adult Swim’s popular animated series based on a metal band Metalocalypse finishes up its third season this Sunday and Vice Magazine has a very comprehensive history of death metal. So, should parents be scared again? After seeing the bands in our Scariest Bands of All-Time list, we sure are. Hail Satan!

Mayhem

A lot of bands say they’re affiliated with Satan just to sound cool, but Mayhem (and a good portion of the Norwegian Black Metal scene from the 80s and 90s) isn’t messing around.  Their lead singer Dead lived up to his name by blowing his brains out. Later, their bass player (who went by the name Count Grishnackh) murdered their guitarist (who went by totally not hard to pronounce at all name of Euronymous). Since then, original bassist Necrobutcher (AWESOME name) has carried on the Mayhem torch with drummer Hellhammer (slightly less awesome name) and lead singer Attila Csihar, and while his stage name isn’t nearly as cool as this bandmates’, he has been known to mock-crucify himself on stage. If there’s anything to take away from their bloody story of murder and mayhem (see what I did there?) it’s that you probably shouldn’t eff with the Norwegians.

Lordi

The next time someone tells you that Europe is worse than America, remind them that in  2006, Lordi, a shock-rock heavy metal band from Finland, won Eurovision, which is kind of a Europe’s Got Talent singing competition, the same year that America was crowning Taylor Hicks as the American Idol. Lordi’s level of evil is admittedly a little on the goofy side, somewhere between the pure comedic theatrics of Gwar and the somewhat serious shock rock of Marilyn Manson – like the demons from Evil Dead 2 grabbed some guitars and started rocking out. But they’re horrifying enough to have gotten their own horror movie, the 2008 cheesy supernatural slasher Dark Floors.

Pantera

Texas-based metal legends Pantera weren’t scary in the “we worship Satan and are going to sacrifice your kids in the name of our unholy lord” kind of way. Instead, they were scary in the much more real “don’t %$%# with us or we’ll beat the crap out of you” kind of way. And it wasn’t a carefully crafted image either, these were dudes you didn’t want to piss off. Not only did lead singer Phil Anselmo beat the crap out of a kid who was heckling him, he threatened to beat up the kid’s dad if he went after him, and the he wrote a song about it, the ode-to-ass-kicking “5 Minutes Alone.” The moral of the story? Don’t mess with Texas.

Cannibal Corpse

You think that name is bad, just look up some of their song titles. “The Cryptic Stench,” ” Vomit the Soul” and “Skewered from Ear to Eye” are about as family friendly as these death-obsessed rockers get. Going strong since the late-80s, Cannibal Corpse is pretty much the American death metal band, slowly gaining a rapid following of fans with questionable mental health over the years. Their obsession with the black arts, murder and sexual dysfunction makes a lot more sense after you find out that they’re originally from Buffalo.

Slayer

Slayer is the scariest of both worlds, not only do they seem to be genuinely interested in Satan, murder, and other assorted nastiness, but they also look like they could, and would, murder you if given the chance. Though they haven’t killed anyone yet (according to their records) Slayer has been worrying parents and church groups for nearly 30 years, and show no signs of slowing down. Serial killers, 9/11, Nazi war criminals, if it’s dark, hate-filled and disturbing, odds are Slayer has written a song about it by now. And their hate-filled, misanthropic speed metal screeds of destruction have gotten them two Grammys! How’s that for evil?

Stalaggh & Gulaggh

No one really knows who they are but they allegedly use the screams of mental patients in their recordings. If that sounds like the set-up to a horror movie you wouldn’t be far off, the two albums by Stalaggh and Gulaggh are two of the most terrifying and disturbing recordings ever released, even if they barely qualify as actual “music.” If  the tape from The Ring had a soundtrack, it would be these records.

G.G. Allin & The Murder Junkies

A bunch of talentless hacks who relied on shock value to draw a crowd. Their music wasn’t well-written and they sounded horrible live. However, the now-deceased G.G. did have a habit of pissing and throwing his own feces at his audience. And I don’t know about you, but the prospect of having fecal matter flung in my face sure scares the heck out of me.

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COED Video Game Story

2010 was a great year for video games. It was not only a year of amazing sequels like Mass Effect 2 and Starcraft 2, but also a year of great new original properties like Enslaved: Journey To The West, Limbo and Bayonetta. But as great as 2010 was, 2011 looks to be just as good, if not better, thanks to a slew of huge slew of sequels, reboots and new titles slated to come out between now and December. Here are some of the games that we’re looking forward to the most in 2011.

Uncharted 3

Developer: Naughty Dog
Publisher: Sony Computer Entertainment
System: Playstation 3
Scheduled Release Date: 11/1/11
Nathan Drake (and his half-tucked shirt) is coming back on in a new adventure that will see the not-quite Indiana Jones explorer tough if out in the barren desert. Not much is known about the game right now, aside from its arid setting and the fact that Drake’s wisecraking sidekick Sully will also be making a return. Many consider Uncharted 2 to be one of the greatest games of all time, so this one has a lot to live up to, but even if it’s just more of the same that should be fine, considering “the same” is stellar graphics, great humor, amazing control and some of the best action set pieces this side of a Michael Bay movie.

Gears of War 3

Developer: Epic Game Studios
Publisher: Microsoft Game Studios
System: Xbox 360
Scheduled Release Date: TBD
Just when you thought things couldn’t get any shittier for the people in the Gears universe, the end of Gears of War 2 literally took the ground out from under them, as the last human city of Jacinto was demolished from below. Now the few humans that remain seek shelter on tropical islands and a gigantic aircraft carrier while Marcus Fenix and his band of hyper-muscular chainsaw-gun wielding bad-asses fight the subterranean Locusts and Lambent for control of the planet. Aside from that, Microsoft has kept a tight lid on the plot details of Gears 3, but what we do know is that it will have more of a lush tropical feel, many more weapons and, most importantly, the voice of Ice-T. Here’s hoping for a re-worked version of Body Count’s “Cop Killer” for the opening credits.

Mass Effect 3

Developer: BioWare
Publisher: Electronic Arts
System: Xbox 360, Playstation 3, PC
Scheduled Release Date: TBD
With its great combat system, enthralling story and truly unique and complex characters, the Mass Effect universe is the greatest and most involving sci-fi universe since Star Trek. The first Mass Effect was one of the best games of its year. Mass Effect 2 is one of the best games of this generation. Who knows how good the third one will be? The upcoming third (and final?) chapter will see Shepherd end his/her fight against the evil mechanical Reapers, but more importantly, it will most likely present you with a whole new stable of intergalactic ass to go after!

Duke Nukem Forever

Developer: 3D Realms/Gearbox Software/Piranha Games
Publisher: 2K Games
System: Xbox 360, Playstation 3, PC
Scheduled Release Date: TBD
Never has a game’s name been more appropriate than Duke Nukem Forever, which has been in continual development since 1997. While many believed the game would never come out, shocking developments in the past year involving 3D Realms losing the title to Gearbox (the makers of Brothers In Arms and Borderlands) have actually given many faith that the game will ship  in 2011. There was even a playable demo of the game at PAX last year, which showed that while much time has passed since Duke Nukem 3D, Duke is still Duke, and players can expect plenty of gore, humor and strippers in what will no doubt be one crazy first-person shooter. Doubters be damned, Duke Nukem Forever actually will ship in 2011, which also means pigs will fly, Hell will freeze over, and I’ll finally get that date with Scarlett Johansson.

Pokemon Black & White

Developer: Game Freak
Publisher: Nintendo
System: Nintendo DS
Scheduled Release Date: March 6, 2011
Yes they’re still making Pokemon games. And, hopefully if you’re visiting this site you don’t care. If you do, then you’re either an under-supervised 10-year-old boy or a very sad 20-something who works at the local Gamestop. Either way, you probably still live with your parents. Regardless, those two demographics buy a lot of video games, so it’s a safe bet to assume that these next two games in the series will be huge best sellers. Literally expect more of the same with this duo of DS releases, with more Pokemon doing whatever it is those hideous little beasts do.

Mortal Kombat 9

Developer: NetherRealm Studios
Publisher:Warner Bros. Interactive Entertainment
System: Playstation 3, Xbox 360
Scheduled Release Date:April 2011
Say it with me now, ‘MOOORTAAAL KOMBAAAAAT!” The first game in the series since franchise changed hands from Midway to Warner Bros. Interactive, Mortal Kombat is a reboot of the infamous gore-loving franchise, ignoring everything that happened after the third game. If you’ve ever tried to pay attention to the stories of the later MK games, then you know that’s a good thing. Also nowhere to be found in this re-launch are any superheroes from the Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe game nor the T-rating that came with them. This is old-school M-rated blood-letting, limb-tearing, body-crushing Mortal Kombat. So make sure your kids don’t play it, you don’t want them to get as messed up as you, do you? Wait, don’t answer that.

Batman: Arkham City

Developer: Rocksteady Studios
Publisher: Warner Bros. Interactive Entertainment/DC Entertainment
System: Xbox 360, Playstation 3, PC
Scheduled Release Date: TBA
Name a good Batman game before Arkham Asylum. Exactly, there wasn’t one, unless you’re an old-school sadist who liked the impossibly hard NES movie tie-in. Not only was Arkham Asylum the first great Batman game, it was also the first to really show just how dark and messed up the Batman universe is, with a sick slew of batshit crazy villains and a portrayal of Batman that was maybe just as insane. The new game takes place several months after the first. Arkham Asylum havs been decommissioned and the mayor decides to house the criminals and madmen of Gotham in the abandoned slums of the city. What could possibly go wrong? Probably everything, and Batman will of course be the only one who can save the day. Not all the villains have been announced yet, but its silly to think the Joker won’t make a comeback, and also expect Two Face, who was absent from the first game, to reign double-sided terror on the residents of Gotham as well.

Portal 2

Developer: Valve Corporation
Publisher: Valve Corporation
System: Xbox 360, Playstation 3, PC, Mac
Scheduled Release Date: April 18, 2011
Portal was one of the biggest surprises of 2007. Sure it could be beaten in a couple hours, but that two hours of gameplay was jam-packed with more originality, ingenuity and, most notably, amazingly dark and hilarious humor, than most games can pack in 40 hours of playtime. While Valve isn’t letting a lot of details surrounding the sequel to come out, some tidbits have already been confirmed, including outdoor environments; an in-depth co-op mode; and a supporting role by The Office co-creator Stephen Merchant as a wise-cracking robo-sidekick. All games should have robotic sidekicks voiced by British comedians. And delicious cake.

Bulletstorm

Developer: People Can Fly/Epic Games
Publisher: Electronic Arts
System: Xbox 360, Playstation 3, PC
Scheduled Release Date: February 22, 2011
Its hard for an original title to get buzz nowadays, but anything Cliffy B (one of the minds behind Gears Of Wars) touches is usually worth noting.  Bulletstorm looks to be about as over-the-top and ridiculous as its name, with testorone-laden characters laying waste to thousands of enemies with the most explosive weapons possible. If you’re sick of the drab and bleak world of Gears but still want a fun out-of-this-world shooter with intense action, then it looks like Bulletstorm might be the game for you. And isn’t it crazy that it took someone this long to make a game called Bulletstorm?

Marvel vs Capcom 3: Fate of Two Worlds

Developer: Capcom
Publisher: Capcom
System: Xbox 360, Playstation 3
Scheduled Release Date: February 15, 2011
There are very few games that have the feverish cult following that Marvel Vs. Capcom 2 has. It doesn’t just have its own fanbase, it has its own culture, complete with its own professional competitive scene and its own crazy lingo that’s nearly impossible for normal humans to decipher (It also has more than its fair share of batsh*t insane fans as well).  They’re expected to go ape when this new game drops next month, but casual fans should also enjoy the latest chapter in the crossover fighter, as its full of amazing characters from both universes. The roster is expected to include at least 40 characters this time around, and includes newcomers to the series like Phoenix, Deadpool, Wesker from Resident Evil and old-school brawler/mayor Mike Haggar from Final Fight. It’s video game and comic book nerdgasms all rolled into one.

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