7 Reasons Athletes Shouldn’t Own Guns

Whether or not people should own guns is another discussion but I think that it’s safe to say that the jury is in on athletes carrying guns. While I can’t recall a single incident in which an athlete has used a gun in self defense, there are countless incidents every year involving an athlete, a gun, and poor decision making. Here are the top seven reasons that athletes shouldn’t own guns:

7. Gilbert Arenas

If you are an athlete who insists on having a gun on him, it’s probably not a good idea to sign with a team who plays in a city where guns are illegal (or at least were illegal) and not bring them into a locker room where they are expressly prohibited. Arenas had been one of the richest NBA players (signed a six-year, $111 million deal in 2008) until he puled a gun on fellow teammate Javaris Crittenton in the locker room.

6. Tank Johnson

Johnson was sentenced to probation and home confinement after cops found enough guns to arm a militia in his home because it was not his first time run in with the law. He was later sent to prison for four months for violating his probation and another 45 days for yet another misdemeanor gun charge and was suspended by the NFL.

5. Maurice Clarett

Of course, while there are plenty of reasons for professional athletes to carry guns but it’s probably not a good idea for a washed up college running back who needs cash for his legal fees to have. Clarett, after not being able to make it into the NFL despite excellent college numbers, robbed two people outside of a nightclub at gunpoint and made off with just a cell phone.

Before Clarett could be tried on two counts of robbery, he was arrested for making an illegal U-turn, driving drunk, and having a sword, two handguns, and a rifle in the car with him. Oh, and for spitting at the arresting officers and couldn’t be taken down with a taser because he was wearing body armor. He was later sentenced to seven and a half years in prison.

What Does Marvin Harrison Look like?

4. Marvin Harrison

Although he was one of the most likable guys in the league, Harrison is alleged to have shot two people outside of Harrison’s “Chuckie’s Garage.” Although police know that the gun was Harrison’s, they haven’t been able to confirm the stories of the two men that he shot, one on purpose and one by accident.

3. Jayson Williams

Williams is currently facing a minimum of 18 months in jail after pleading guilty to a simple “aggravated assault” charge…for killing a guy. That’s right. 18 months. For killing a guy.

Williams had shot his limo driver and “allegedly” attempted to cover it up by getting rid of the body. A jury had acquitted him of any serious charges thanks to a lawyer who undoubtedly received a massive bonus.

2. Adam “Pac-Man” Jones

After assaulting a stripper and being involved in a shooting that followed, charges were not pressed against Jones for the gun incident but he is being sued in civil court by former a former pro-wrestler who was injured in the shooting who claims that not only was Jones involved in the shooting but the former Tennessee Titan bit his leg.

1. Plaxico Burress

The number one reason that athletes shouldn’t own guns is that a lot of these big guys really fit into the stereotype of a big, stupid jock. Exhibit A: Plaxico Burress. While at a nightclub, Burress had a handgun in the waistband of his sweatpants. During the night, the gun slid down and the trigger went off, shooting Burress in the leg. He’s currently serving two years on weapons charges.

5 Greatest Inventions in Porn

This year’s introduction of 3D Porn is only the latest in the evolution of one of the most popular and profitable businesses in the world. Although cutting-edge porn technology rarely gets featured in the news about the latest gadgets, here are five of the greatest creations that the porn pioneers have brought us:

5) FleshLight/Molds

Why use your hand when there are so many other things you can stick it into? Impressed with the amount of blowup dolls that were being bought up, major porn labels began to introduce lifelike, “cyberskin” molds of pornstars’ nether regions. Some come with a vibrating function, I assume to recreate what sex will be like with a Parkinson’s patient.

The FleshLight, created by a former cop who was simply not content with the old hand crank, combined the usefulness of a mold with the portability of a Flashlight. “You’ve got a flashlight on my pornstar vagina. You’ve got pornstar vagina in my flashlight. It feels great!”

4) Interactive Porn

Have you ever been watching a porn and had the on-screen actors do the opposite of what you need them to be doing? Welcome interactive porn.

At some point, a brilliant man realized that the best way to utilize DVD menus is by creating what can only be called as a pornstar remote control. Click what you want the girl to do…and she does it!

And to complete the package of the perfect virtual woman, there is a mute feature built in!

3) Mobile Porn

Sometimes you want to watch porn but you’re not in your house, your office, your grandparent’s house, a Starbucks, or the library. What to do? Well, there’s an app for that.

Truly using new, high-tech gadgets like the iPod, the iPhone/Blackberry, and handhelds like PSPs, porn quickly made its way onto the tiny screens of millions. The train ride to work hasn’t been the same since.

2) Porn Simulators

Sort of like the molds but more high tech. It’s essentially a “robotic vagina” that looks like one of the guns from Halo. It comes complete with “realistic feeling skin,” heated panels, lube secreters, and “ring clenching rubber.”

Can’t wait to hear the first 911 call stemming from a “penis caught in a robot vagina” injury.

1) The Internet

When Al Gore created the internet, he did so with one thing in mind: infinite amounts of porn. In fact, the first ever downloaded at an excruciatingly slow speed was a picture of boobs.

Since then, the internet has evolved from a place where horny nerds look at pictures at 12 kilobytes per second to a source of porn that also features some non-porn features as well (though the selection is limited) on which you can watch endless amounts of streaming porn videos in high definition…completely free!

In a country where we take everything for granted and complain about all the cool shit we have, let’s always remember that even at the worst moments in our lives…we will ALWAYS have an unlimited amount of high definition porn to watch…completely free.

10 Amazing Addicts in Sports

It is a wonder that the media freaked out when Ron Artest admitted to drinking Hennessy in the locker room when alcohol and drug abuse has such a rich history in sports. Pitchers have thrown no-hitters on acid, sluggers have abused steroids, and linebackers have abused everything. Here’s a look at the top alcoholics and druggies in sports.

Another cosmo please.

Babe Ruth
Ruth might be as well known for hitting more than 700 home runs as he is for chugging down booze while smoking an endless supply of cigars in the presence of many beautiful women. The abuse didn’t stop Ruth from exceeding at both pitching and hitting. Although he died at 53, I think most of us will take 53 Babe Ruth years over 100 Gary Carter years.

Ricky Williams
Despite being one of the best running backs in the league, even to this day, Williams continues to find himself having to choose whether he wants to play football or smoke pot every season because while the NFL allows players to take countless performance enhancing drugs, marijuana is strictly prohibited.

The new Boomerang Batting Helmets proved unpopular and were discontinued.

Mickey Mantle
Mantle, like Ruth, was a man’s man who enjoyed to party a little too much. Again, however, his heavy drinking never really impeded with his play but he would eventually go on to rehab and recovery. Although Mickey would go on to preach about the dangers of alcohol abuse, he taught us one very valuable lesson: if you do some crazy shit in life, you can always become born-again right before you die and all will be forgiven.

Dock Ellis
Ellis was a journeyman pitcher in the majors for around eleven years. He put up some very solid numbers but is best remembered for throwing a no-hitter…on acid. It wasn’t intentional as he thought he had the day off but it turned out he was actually the starting pitcher. No worries, despite barely being able to feel the ball, he had the catcher wear reflective tape to help him see the target and ended up throwing a no-hitter, though he did walk eight batters. Ellis would go on to become a drug counselor in California before dying at the age of 63 due to a liver disease thanks to the drinking.

I say, I say Son, if ya wantstabe a chicken hawk you gotsa I say you gotsa hunt chickens.

Shawn Kemp
Kemp used to be one of the top players in the league, particularly on the SuperSonics where he made the All-Star team every year from 1993 to 1998. After leaving Seattle, he began to battle some weight issues in Cleveland. Upon being traded to Portland, Kemp became too fat to play ball because he was too busy smoking pot in the locker room, drinking, and even doing coke. Kemp made a couple of largely unsuccessful comeback attempts but would eventually leave the game and get busted for major drug possession twice in as many years.

David Wells
Always out of shape but always in peak pitching performance, Wells can be best remembered for pitching a no-hitter while badly hungover from the night before. My personal favorite David Wells story is when he got drunk and tripped over a stool at the bar that he has in his basement (the mark of a true drinker) and had to go on the disabled list.

Mister Asterik

Barry Bonds
Bonds seems to have lived a pretty clean life as far as drugs and alcohol go but he will always be the poster boy for the modern day version of abuse: steroids. Whether it is the fact that he went from hitting 30+ home runs per year to hitting 73 in one season or the fact that his hat size went up two sizes from the time he was on the Pirates to the time he was on the Giants, he will always be the epitome of steroid abuse in sports.

Lawrence Taylor
All of the athletes above has a particular favorite drug of choice, L.T. loved them all. While Taylor went from bragging to preaching about his drinking problems, he also tested positive for cocaine twice and then fell back off the wagon after his retirement. In spite of his personal problems, Taylor is still one of the greatest defensive players of all time and has a never ending repertoire of drunk and stoned stories.

He was aressted for impersonating Carl Malden's nose.

Darryl Strawberry
After quickly emerging as a star on the Mets, leading a 1986 Mets team (most of whose players could put many of the players listed here to shame) Darryl became more into doing coke than playing ball (sort of like Ricky Williams but less funny). Darryl would live a life like Tony Montana in the third act of Scarface until he bottomed out in the health and personal department and went clean…ish.

Doc Gooden
Doc came up around the same time as Strawberry and quickly started spending a little too much time with Straw. Despite coming up as a good, wholesome kid with incredible potential, his only real post mid-80s success came when he pitched a no hitter for the Yankees. After retiring, Gooden would go on to be arrested five times in the span of four years on alcohol related charges and had to spend more than six months in prison.

What You Need To Know Before Dating Older Women

While you’ll need to discuss the age difference, don’t constantly remind her that she is so much older than you by saying things like “I want to be rougher in bed…but you’re just so old, and I fear you might snap.”  OK, maybe that is pretty obvious, but here are a few other items that are worth taking into consideration.

Kid or No Kid?

If she has a kid, you will need to learn to deal with that.  It’s not easy! If you want to know what it feels like to have to take care of someone elses kid, get an anchor and tie it to your leg so that you have about 10 yards of moving room.  Then place Iron Maiden backwards and add a few screaming cats.  Get it yet – it’s awful.  Or you can do what every movie villain does and send them off to boarding school.

If she doesn’t have a kid, there is a good chance that she will want one, because the window of opportunity is closing. This is something that you ought to consider before sex becomes a tool for procreation rather than what it is really intended for (cheap, drunk, and sloppy fun).

She Knows Your Tricks

While a younger girl might have had a couple of serious relationships, an older woman has been around the block and back and knows what “poker night” and “guys’ night out” really mean.

You can’t pull the same crap on her that you could with a younger girl.  If you’re the lying douchebag type, this may be something to consider.

It Might Be Hard To Find Similar Interests

The most important thing to remember in these relationships is that it is likely that you grew up in different generations. She might have grown up on Johnny Carson while you grew up on Carson Daly.  If this is the case, you might have a difficult time finding similar interests, something to ponder before you order those Lil Wayne tickets.

She Is Independent

Older women have jobs and lives of their own and aren’t as reliant on men. This could go either way for you. If you are someone that enjoys being able to escape the ol’ ball and chain, then this will work just fine for you.
On the other hand, if you just expect to get by through buying her things and taking her out, you may want to consider going back to picking up girls at frat parties.

Think Twice Before Going On Group Dates

Just because you may have found a chemistry with her doesn’t mean that your friends and her friends will as well.
If you take her to hang out with your pothead college friends, she might feel left out and awkward as you spend two hours discussing the best episode of Robot Chicken.

Similarly, you may feel like stabbing yourself with a fork if her friends are talking about how “The Secret” changed their life.

Follow the author, Igor Derysh, on Twitter @IgorDerysh

The 6 Greatest Athletes Over 40…Ever!

Brett Favre turned 40 at the start of the 2009-10 season but will he come back for the 2011 season? We will know in a few weeks when training camp starts up. He may be one of the greatest quaterbacks of all-time but can he match the successes that these guys had after turning the big 4-0.

1. Nolan Ryan

If you think Favre has a strong arm, you’ve never seen Ryan pitch. Ryan first came up with the Mets in 1966. He would retire in 1993, nearly 30 years later.

After turning 40, Ryan had four seasons with more than 200 IP, had an ERA over 3.72 just once, struck out more than 1,400 batters, and threw two no-hitters.

2. George Foreman

Foreman retired from boxing, a sport where you are paid to get hit – repeatedly, at an astounding 47-years-old.  Even after turning 40, Foreman was no slouch!  He fought to a 12-3 record over the seven years past “Middle Age” . . .and even today I’m not getting in the ring with that Granddaddy.

3. Roger Clemens

Clemens played for five years after turning 40-years-0ld. Over that time he won 61 games, struck out more than 750 batters, and had a Cy Young-caliber year for the Astros when he finished the season with a ridiculous 1.87 ERA.

4. Gordie Howe

Gordie Howe is considered by many to be the best athlete over 40 ever, putting up great numbers until he turned a remarkable 51 . . . but he played hockey, which gets no respect,  so he is only fourth on this list.

Still, you can’t knock a guy who scored nearly 300 goals after turning 40.

5. Warren Moon

The guy Favre will be compared to the most is Warren Moon, one of the few NFL players to make it past 40, playing for another five years.

Moon would be voted into the Pro Bowl at 41-years-old while passing for nearly 3,700 yards and 25 touchdowns.

6. Jerry Rice

Few NFL players make it past 35, much less 40. Rice played for four years after turning 40, amassing more than 1,200 receiving yards at 40-years-old and more than 850 yards at 41-years-old.  recently of Pro vs Joes he deeked the pants of of guys more than half his age.

Top 10 Worst Sports Signings of the Last Decade

It seemed like every off season in every sport brought us deals that left everyone scratching their heads at first and shaking their heads afterwards. From the Magic paying Grant Hill nearly $500,000 per game played over his seven-year contract, to the Giants paying Barry Zito $1.75 million per win, this decade brought us these terrible signings from the world of sports:

Darren Dreifort

Dreifort looked like an up and coming star when he signed a 5-year, $55 million contract with the Dodgers after 2000. During the duration of his deal, Dreifort started all of 26 games for the Dodgers while still cashing his checks every week.

Carlos Silva

Why the Mariners felt Carlos Silva deserved $48 million, we may never know. As he gets ready to enter the third year of his four year contract, Silva has a 5-18 record in 34 starts with an ERA over 7.00.

Mirko Cro Cop

Cro Cop was arguably the biggest star in PrideFC when Dana White began to buy the organization’s fighters. Since coming to the UFC, Cro Cop has gone just 2-3 in the octagon without beating a single top notch opponent. Crop Cop had come into the UFC with a 22-4-2 record riding a four-fight winning streak having beaten Wanderlai Silva and Josh Barnett in the same night.

David Boston

The San Diego Chargers were so in love with the obscenely strong wide receiver David Boston that they gave him the biggest contract they had ever given. Boston signed a seven-year, $47 million deal with San Diego, only to go on to get into constant fights with teammates and coaches and later being suspended for taking steroids. After just one season, San Diego had enough of their next big thing and traded him to the Dolphins for a mere sixth-round draft pick.

Barry Zito

Tim Hudson wound up being the only good pitcher of the Oakland Athletics’ big three as Mark Mulder has not managed to stay healthy while Barry Zito has earned gone just 31-43 for the Giants after signing a massive seven-year, $126 million deal. That’s around $1.75 million per win.

Jerome James

Jerome James did not get a massive contract but his 5-year, $30 million deal from the Knicks was worth $30 million too much seeing as how James is one of the most useless NBA players in the league. Since signing his contract, James has played all of 90 games and has scored less than 3 points per game.

Carl Pavano

After impressing people as part of that awesome Florida Marlins World Series team, Pavano was signed by the Yankees for $40 million (actually, it was $39.99 million, that $10,000 caused Pavano to fire his agent). Pavano never had a full season with the Yankees and only started 26 games, winning just 9 of them as he earned more than $1.5 million per start and more than $4 million per win.

Grant Hill

After receiving a 7-year, $93 million offer (this was a lot back in 2000), Hill went on to play just 47 games in his first four years on the Magic. In total, Hill played less than 200 games in the seven seasons he was in Orlando, meaning that he made close to half a million dollars every time that he started. Not bad for a night’s work, especially when he didn’t average more than 20 points per game in any season.

Mike Hampton

When Mike Hampton signed with the Colorado Rockies after leading the New York Mets to the World Series, it was the biggest contract a pitcher had ever received. Hampton did not stay in Colorado long and was traded to the Marlins. As if the contract was not bad enough, the worst move was on the part of the Marlins as Hampton refused to play a single game for them. The Marlins had to trade him with no leverage and had to pay most of his massive contract while he played (sometimes) for the Braves.

David Beckham

It was a huge deal when one of the biggest names in sports was signed by Major League Soccer’s LA Galaxy for a massive $250 million deal. Since then, Beckham has put up what I am told are very mediocre numbers when he hasn’t been injured and has largely failed to bring an influx of fans to the MLS.

A Beginner’s Guide to the World Extreme Cagefighting

Ever since the UFC took off, many a company has tried to replicate their success. With many having tried and failed, it is no wonder that the first company that could come close to rivaling the success of the UFC is the WEC, World Extreme Cagefighting, an organization owned by the UFC’s parent company Zuffa.

What is the WEC?

When Zuffa bought the WEC, the company was completely repackaged and went from being another fighting organization with few good fighters to the battleground for the absolute best lighter weight fighters in the world. Fighters that were not being featured anywhere else.

“Once people see the action that these guys bring they can’t help but love it,” says Joe Benavidez, the number one contender for the Bantamweight Championship and teammate of Faber on the Alpha Male and AMP Energy team. This was all anyone said all week, these guys are fast, explosive, and some of the most technically sound fighters in the world. “This is where you want to be if you want to fight the best fighters in the world,” says Benavidez.

“The WEC is focused on the big picture,” says former WEC Featherweight Champion Urijah Faber, “they’re not trying to just take the money and run.”

“I think it’s only a matter of time til we’re up there with the UFC,” adds Benavidez.

Aldo, and Faber, and Henderson, Oh My!

The level of fighters that the WEC now features on their ever expanding roster has produced a number of stars in the smaller divisions.

The company’s face for the past 3 years has been AMP Energy poster boy Urijah “California Kid” Faber, a true WEC veteran who has been with the company since 2006, headlining some of their most historic bouts.

At Aldo vs. Faber, the company’s first pay-per-view, he was officially unseated from the top spot by Featherweight Champion Jose Aldo, a training partner of UFC great Anderson Silva who brings the same type of style to the much faster-paced WEC Octagon.

The win capped off the most successful night in the organization’s history. In their first crack at the big leagues, the WEC put the spotlight on their top names and from the Spike TV preliminary fights which featured the fight of the year between Chan Sung Jung and Leonard Garcia to the main card, their top guys delivered.

Aside from the fight of the year, the event also featured a dominant win by Lightweight Champion Ben Henderson , an impressive showing from up-and-coming Urijah Faber-teammate and fellow AMP Energy posterboy Chad Mendes, and a big knockout from former Ultimate Fighter finalist Manny Gamburyan.

WEC: The Future of MMA

After exceeding all expectations with the pay-per-view sales, the WEC’s upcoming event will have a lot riding on it. The card will be broadcast on June 20 for free on Versus and is expected to be seen by more than twice as many people as the Aldo vs. Faber card.

Learn More:

WEC.com
WEC Videos
WEC on Twitter
AMP Energy’s 10 Days to Fight Night
WEC Ring Girl Brittney Palmer

The 5 Most Racist Things Said By Politicians

Forget Harry Reid and Trent Lott, their comments have fallen in with countless others that have been deemed “racist” by an all-too-eager bunch of reporters and bloggers. The media’s coverage of Reid’s “racist comments” is exactly the reason no one takes the growing problems with race relations in this country seriously. If everything is racist, nothing is racist.

Luckily, we here at COED have gone out and tracked down REAL racist comments that politicians have made. Here’s a few:

“I think one man is just as good as another so long as he’s not a n**er or a Chinaman” – President Harry Truman

Truman said this long before he was president in a private letter to his future wife. Ah, what a different time it was. This one shouldn’t even count because there was no such thing as racism back them but this is one of those things that never gets mentioned because it was in a private letter. That’s where the real racism happens folks.

Still, at the time that Truman was relevant, his aides advised him to join the Ku Klux Klan to gain support.

“There are times when an abortion is necessary. I know that. When you have a Black and a White …. Or a rape.” -President Richard Nixon

One of my favorite quotes from ol’ Dick Nixon who was another President who got away with what he said because of the era in which he lived. This is a guy who used to give derogatory nicknames (far worse than “Turd Blossom”) to his Jewish aides. Still, different era or not, the Richard Nixon tapes are loaded with stuff like this. Awesome listening.

“Rather than everyone here having to learn Chinese — I understand it’s a rather difficult language — do you think that it would behoove you and your citizens to adopt a name that we could deal with more readily here?” -Betty Brown, Texas State Legislator

Something that many people have said over the dinner table, I’m sure. What makes Brown’s case different is that she said this in defense of a bill that she had introduced in the legislature…which would require Asian-Americans to change their names to something more…American.

“This was a pretty stocky black guy, and there was nothing but other black guys around in the park…” -Bob Allen, former Florida State Legislator

This wasn’t Bob depicting a lovely day at the park, this was him explaining what his surroundings were before he agreed to perform oral sex on an undercover cop in a bathroom. Allen’s court defense was that he didn’t want to blow the guy, he was just intimidated by him and went along. The court found this as believable as Larry Craig’s “wide stance” defense.

“We need segregated buses… This is Obama’s America.” – Rush Limbaugh

No, Rush isn’t a politician but being the face of the modern Republican Party certainly counts for something (and makes him a hell of a lot more important than Betty Brown or Bob Allen). This comment should be added to an anthology of other comments that Rush has made that still pale in comparison with things that less notable talk show hosts like Michael Savage and Mark Levin have said on the air.

The Klan is needed today as never before and I am anxious to see its rebirth here in West Virginia and in every state in the nation. -West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd

Although he just croaked Byrd does not get the benefit of the doubt on this one, whether it was the 40s or not. In Byrd’s younger days, he joined the Ku Klux Klan. After growing weary and moving on to more notable positions than being a recruiter for the local KKK chapter, Byrd wrote the above letter to a KKK Imperial Wizard in 1946. Byrd has since gone on to become the longest serving United States Senator and has been nicknamed the “conscience of the Senate.”

Illegal Aliens Getting PWNED-Gallery

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Pretty Wild’s Tess Taylor Overdose-Gallery

Handicapping the Celebrity Deathpool

2009 was undoubtedly been the year of celebrity death.  Michael Jackson Farrah Fawcett, Heath Ledger, Brittany Murphy, Patrick Swayze Ed McMahon, Steve McNair the screaming dude famous for Oxyclean . . . This has led many to start placing bets on who is the next to go, so let’s handicap the Deathpool.

1) Larry King

The fact that this man is still alive (and creating children) is a scientific mystery. The only theory that top world scientists have come up is that there is now just hot air escaping from a man who has been dead since the seventies.  Option 2, the man is reptilian from the planet Skree.  Talk show psycho abductee and Howard 101 star Riley Martin may be able to confirm this.  Someone call that kook immediately before Larry eats us.  E.T. my sweaty sack, The Visitors Are Not Our Friends! It’s going to happen suddenly for King.  Phhfftt, gone.  If you can get 5:1 take it outright.  The under over is 24 months.  A top notch pool choice, but obvious, so you may wind up with a shared pot.

2) Amy Winehouse

While Winehouse is 50 years younger than Larry King, their organs are functioning at around the same capacity. She’s two years younger than Jimi Hendrix was when he died and Jimi didn’t look anywhere as bad as her.  For our money, there is absolutely no way this woman sees 30, which all kidding aside is actually sad – ok back to kidding – this chick is a train wreck and there is no doubt she’ll make a hotel room famous in the next 48 months.  If you can get 10:1 take it outright.  The under over is 4 years.  Obviously a great choice for a pool candidate where you get extra payouts on the age of the selections.

3) Suge Knight

He’s only 44 but rap years are like dog years, so he’s pushing 185. He is in the wrong business to survive to see his Social Security checks.  What’s up Suge, no openings in the “Diving head first off skyscrapers business?”  Plus, he’s got some making up for time to do, and Suge has been known to cut a corner here and there.  Be careful brother.  Anyone that gets on stage and abuses  the “everything item shilling sell out” Puff Douchebag is A+ in our book.  Under 8 years.  Adjust as his earnings rise or fall.  Rise=more time.  Fall=he’ll take more chances and he’s already pretty chance-y so

4) Courtney Love

The female Keith Richards has truly been pushing the line for more than two decades now, and any year could be the year. Who would’ve though she would outlive Anna Nicole Smith?  She trips, stumbles and stutters through Hollywood and quite frankly it’s a testament to the resiliency of the human animal that the bitch is still walking.  Another disgusting, repulsive train wreck that given the chance I would tear that ass up. . .and since I’m not into necrophilia,  I give myself a 5 year window.

5) Keith Richards

Truly the poster boy for the idea that drugs do not do any of the things they say they do. Drugs kill?  Well then would someone please tell this odd looking member of the undead.  Still, the drugs might not do it but the age will.  Under 5 years.

6) Elizabeth Taylor

Now that Michael Jackson is dead, the twins are divided once again. The lack of another weirdo to hang out with alone will be the death of her.  Three years at best.

7) Paula Abdul

Without the American Idol producers to hold her back, we have a “Straight Up” problem with the “Forever Your Girl.”  someone needs to keep the pills out of her hand while she watches Ellen Degeneres wax poetically over every awful song on FOX – and certainly MC Skat Cat ain’t going to do it.  He’s moved on to younger, fully shaven chicks.

It’s very sad state of affairs because firstly, because was one of my earliest romantic fantasies, and secondly,  she is really still quite a piece of ass.  I would definitely take two steps forward and two steps back in that ass – repeatedly, habitually!  I’d hit that so often the neighbors would think I lived there.In fact – oh wait . . .sorry.  I’m getting carried away.

If the show takes off with Ellen the chances of finding her on the bathroom floor blue, with an empty pill bottle increase dramatically.  Paula Call Me! I can help!!  Without the call, and with a successful Abdul Absent Idol I give her 36 months.

8) Pat Robertson

With the minutes ticking away, Robertson is realizing that he might not get to see the apocalypse after all. Look for him to buy a lot of unstable chemicals and attempt to catalyze the process.  The dude is a walking christian holiday, and a general Humanity Holiday on the day it happens.  Hopefully dude has less than 2 more years of holding back progress, science and humanity by chaining the daft to the belief that an angry old man sitting on a cloud will punish you if you don’t give at least 10% of your income to his wrinkled useless old ass.

9) Artie Lange

This is awful because the guy just tried to commit suicide – by stabbing himself.  In an odd way, you have to respect that.  I have trouble swallowing an aspirin.  Lange has the sack to stab himself- NINE TIMES.  Truth to be told is, we’re far better off with this guy around, so forget the $20.  I’d gladly give $1,000 bucks to whatever charity Beth-O is yammering about this month if it would guarantee Artie lives at least to the ripe old age of 50.  Sadly, I just don’t see this happening, and it’s not the fact that he wants to die anymore than anyone else that belies the issue.  It’s the fact that he’s become quite adept at hiding his feelings, even from those he spends hours with daily.  Combine that with the free-spirit, lone wolf attitude, mix in a drug addiction and a host of daddy and self esteem issues and it’s a mess.  Four years without help and a major attitude change. Sorry Art.  We love ya brother.  The one “Ace in the Artie Lives Hole” is that if you listen carefully you’ll find that Howard Stern is actually a far nicer, and caring guy than he lets on while broadcasting, and likely has his eyes opened wider now.  This is one we’d hate to see, and we’d gladly trade the rest of these douchebags to keep Artie.

10) Plaxico Burress

The first inmate ever to shiv himself. . .despite it ringing hollow after a guy that stabs himself nearly a dozen times, it’s still pretty awful and might be a sign of a problem.  2 years.  bet it.

5 UFC Fighters That Need To Change Class

Word on the street is that Randy Couture, after two bad beats to Heavyweight Champ Brock Lesnar and former Pride Champion Antonio Noguiera, is planning to drop down to the Light Heavyweight division and finish out his contract there.

This would be a great move for the long time veteran and will hopefully push these fighters to gain or shed a few pounds as well.

BJ Penn
At some point, a fighter is so good and his division so bad that it is just not that fun anymore. With Penn’s defeat over Kenny Florian, there is no one left for Penn to beat in the UFC’s struggling Light Heavyweight division.

Penn needs to move back to the Welterweight division where he will be challenged by better, bigger fighters and get a shot at revenge at Georges St. Pierre.

Rich Franklin
Franklin used to be someone till Anderson Silva and his ridiculous talent came to town and obliterated everyone in the Middleweight division.
Franklin seems to have given up on trying to get back to fighting Silva for yet a third time and has been fighting at 195-pounds. Ten more pounds and Franklin could be a legitimate contender for the Light Heavyweight championship.

Every Welterweight
Unlike the Light Heavyweight division that does not feature anyone particularly great outside of BJ Penn, the Welterweight division features stars like Matt Hughes, Jon Fitch, and Thiago Alves.

These are all great fighters but would be better off moving to Middleweight or dropping to Lightweight because they haven’t beat GSP yet and won’t do it. Ever.

Dan Henderson
Henderson has gotten somewhat lost in the Light Heavyweight division and keeps moving up and down in weight. The smartest thing for Henderson to do now is to drop down to the growingly weak Middleweight division and fight as a large 185-pounder rather than an average 205-pounder.

Henderson might be the only guy in that weight vicinity that could beat Anderson Silva.

Mirko Cro Cop
Cro Cop had one of the most disappointing crossovers to the UFC, largely because he decided to stay a Heavyweight. Fighting bigger and better fighters, Cro Cop was greatly outmatched.

At 220, dropping to 205 pounds wouldn’t be a tough cut for Cro Cop whose skill set would make for a pretty interesting fight against Light Heavyweight Champ Lyoto Machida.

Follow the author, Igor Derysh, on Twitter @igorderysh

The 4 Greatest MLB Season’s Ever

The Cardinal’s Albert Pujols is in the peak of his career and could produce one of the best all-around seasons ever but when it is all said and done, will it be as good as any of these incredible single-seasons that each player believes is the greatest MLB season of all time.

Ichiro Suzuki

In 2004, Ichiro set the single-season record for most hits in a single season by knocking in a total of 262 to go along with his .372 batting average. Add in his 100+ runs and more than 35 stolen bases and Ichiro’s 2004 was at the very least the best season by any lead off hitter ever.

Barry Bonds

Bonds’ 2001 season ended with him breaking the single season home run record with a total of 73. To top it all off, Bonds added nearly 140 RBIs, more than 175 walks, and an on-base percentage of more than .500 to make his claim for the best season ever.

Bob Gibson

In 1968, Cardinals’ pitcher Bob Gibson had what is likely the best season by a pitcher in the modern era. His 1.12 ERA is the single best ERA by any pitcher in the modern era on top of which Gibson added 22 wins, 13 shutouts, and 268 strikeouts.

Pedro Martinez

In 2000, Pedro had probably the best season by a pitcher in the past decade. In winning his third Cy Young Award, Pedro had the single lowest WHIP of all time at .737, a 1.74 ERA, 284 strikeouts, and did it all while missing 6 starts.

Follow author Igor Derysh on Twitter @igorderysh