How To Get In a Fight

A major problem for some is the lack of fist fights in their everyday life. This should not be a problem which one should be cursed with. That’s why we like to show how one can get in more fights in everyday life!

THINGS NEEDED:
-1 Attitude
-Fists
-Mouthing-Off Ability
-Swear Words of Various Varieties

STEP ONE: Bars
Bars are a great place to both start and have a fight. It’s a virtual breeding ground of this type of activity. the key ingredients you have working for you in this scenario is; the consumption of booze and the frustration some have trying to pick up women. These two aspects are your friends and allies in trying to get into a fight.

A subtle approach would be walking up to the biggest guy in the bar and knocking his drink directly out of his hand. When the glass hits the ground, stare at him and laugh. Even say something like, “I guess REAL men can keep a grip on their drinks, without dropping it on the ground like a little eight-year-old schoolgirl in a pink, frilly dress at an Easter Sunday pik-nik.” If he doesn’t understand what you’re saying, keep repeating it until he does. The punches should fly within minutes and you will have completed your fighting-task.

STEP TWO: The Switch-A-Roo!
Here’s where pure cunning comes in. When the biggest guy in the bar walks by you, act like he pushed into you and spill part of your drink. Then say to him, “Did you spill my drink?!” When he says “No,” look him directly in the eye and say, “Are you calling me a liar!” Let an argument perpetuate until the fist fly through the air with the greatest of ease.

STEP THREE: Bouncers
Bouncers are some of the dumbest people on the entire planet. Many take pure delight in their role, and love being “mad with power” and copping an attitude to all who are non-bouncers. Use that fact fully to your advantage!
Show up to a bar or club without your ID. When questioned on it’s location, do not divulge any information, and proceed into the club.

When stopped say, “I guess REAL men don’t care about people’s IDs, and don’t get their little cotton panties in a bundle like a little eight-year-old schoolgirl in a pink, frilly dress at an Easter Sunday pik-nik!” The next thing you know; a punch will be thrown at your head!

STEP FOUR: Lesbians
The next time their is a lesbian/feminist function in your area, walk in wearing a “Sex Instructor-First Lesson Free” T-shirt, and scream, “Hey ladies, I’ve come to give you 12 inches of my love! Which one of you little ladies is first? Make an orderly line for my love machine!” Request that the first lucky taker gets to make you breakfast in bed!

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU ARE READY TO GET IN A FIGHT!

5 Easy Ways To Get Fired Within 3 Hours

Jobs are important!  They give you a sense of self-worth In this day-and-age, everyone is concerned with keeping their job, I would like to give tips on how to do the opposite. Yes, I’ve been part of the workforce, but unlike most of you, my goal was to get fired—faster than you can say ”401k.” See, there’s an art to getting fired; especially within 3 hours or fewer. So, here are a few job ground rules to get yourself off on a bad foot with a new employer:

1. Show up late for your first 
day of work. When questioned about this, refer to yourself in the 3^rd person. Stress that work starts when YOU get there!

2. Talk in a fake foreign accent. There are many to choose from: Greek, German, Albanian, Polish, etc.. And it will annoy the ever-living sh*t out of everyone, if you do it right.

3. Refuse to do things. Lay the ground rules right away. A good response to being asked, is the phrase, “Why don’t you do it yourself, monkey-boy!”

4. Use the word ”motherf*cker” as an adjective. Self-explanatory.

5. Make up a nickname for the boss. For this, it’s best to refer to the boss as a food item like, “cupcake,” or “pudding pop.”

How To Have An Epic New Year’s Eve

4….3….2….1! Happy New Year! A brand new year lies ahead, but first we must make it through New Year’s Eve. The best New Years I ever had was when I was nine, and I took out all my parents pots and pans and banged them together at midnight. Since then, there’s been a trajectory course downward in the appeal for this holiday. It’s basically amateur night, with too much pressure on having an ultimate evening out. So here’s a guide on how to have a good New Year’s Eve.

1) Rent a Private Jet
Celebrate New Year in every time zone, by flying across country from east to west.

2) Kiss Complete Strangers
Yes, kiss people who you’ve NEVER met before in your whole entire life, and who, perhaps, you’ll never see again—EVER!

3) Sleep With Complete Strangers!
This is just like kissing complete strangers, but it involves sleeping with people you’ve NEVER met before in your whole entire life and who, perhaps, you’ll never see again—EVER!

4) Drink Too Much
Yes, booze it up! Maybe even become sick! Say embarrassing things to people. Tell your friends you love them! Scream at people on the street. Get sick again.

5) Times Square
See them drop the New Year’s Ball. Feel what it’s like to be crushed in a really big crowd, to the point of unpleasant.

6) Say Funny Things
Say “See you next year” to people you see before New Years, and wont be seeing until after. This causes comical-confusion, implying that you might not see this person for 365 days. See how funny that is?!

7) Have A Bad Hangover
On New Year’s Day, say things like “Boy! Do I have a bad hangover!” and “Where did I lose my house keys?”

5 Most Disgusting Motel Mishaps

Have you ever stayed in a budget motel? It’s like playing amateur forensic scientist. Depending on what things you find on your pillow and under your bed, you can almost unravel a scene to a crime. I especially hate those A&E true crime documentaries where they take the black light and investigate a motel room’s bedspread and find over 47 different semen stains. Eeeeeew!

What are some of the most disgusting budget motel related mishaps? Here’re a few I found on Motel website complaint boards that will make you consider camping on your next road trip” Read more

9 Funniest Porn Flick Titles

That funny, funny porn industry. Not only do they provide hot girl-on-girl action but they also have hilarious named porn movie; especially when they parody popular Hollywood movies or events in the news. The funniest usually involves a really bad pun and sexual double entendre.

Sure we all know of The Sperminator, and Edward Penishands, but here are a few of my hilarious-named favorites:

BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE VAGINA

In the Kurt Russell classic, Big Trouble In Little China, an All-American trucker gets dragged into a centuries-old mystical battle in Chinatown. In porn’s version, an interracial cast of petite cuties love men with huge . . .self esteem.  How original.  Rumor is Kurt Russell is very envious of their acting ability.

Spoiler Alert: There’s lots of sex.

HUNG WANKENSTEIN

Yes, not one, but two, count `em two puns in the title. This porn-take is of course on the comedy classic – Young Frankenstein. The “plot” follows William Wankenstein, a disgraced veterinarian who learns that he’s the heir to the Frankenstein legacy. Here’s what the video description says:

There are strange things happening at the castle, and they’re all sexual. This outrageous spoof of B movies and sex videos that will have you roaring with laughter when you’re not groaning with pleasure. And wait until you see the Wankenstein jewels!

Sounds like a summer comedy blockbuster.  Bring the kids!  We’ve got fun for the whole family!

Spoiler Alert:  There’s lots of sex, awful background music and horrible acting – go figure.

WEAPONS OF ASS DESTRUCTION
George W. Bush invaded Iraq looking for Weapons of Mass Destruction. The actors of this 6 volume DVD serial also do some invading, and let me be frank – I’d be a lot more pissed off being invaded in this manner than by the Leonard Duran worshiping Republican Guard (no mas! No mas!  What a bunch of sissies. )  Noteworthy, the actors are significantly more intelligent that our past Prez – but who isn’t besides Mr. “PotatoE” head Dan Quayle.

Spoiler Alert: No sense even kidding you that there’s anything to spoil here except your self respect and $9.99.

FORESKIN GUMP
Huh . . .who knew life is actually like a box of dildos.  In Forrest Gump, Tom Hanks played a man with a low IQ who ends up accomplishing great things in his life, yet his love somehow eludes him. In the porn equivalent, a man is disliked because he’s never had sex with a woman.  A feather blows and soon after he winds up more strange than the Scooby Gang on Halloween. As an added bonus during the – ahem – action, you distinctly hear people yelling,  “Run Forrest Run”.

Spoiler Alert: Bubba dies.  Oh wait!  No that’s – I’m confused.

DUDE, WHERE’S MY DILDO?
Shay and her friend wake up in a strange house where they partied hard the previous night. Neither girl can find Shay’s prized possession – a golden dildo that had been drawnf rom the stone by her mother (Except the part about the gold, stone and mother). The girls can’t leave until they find the pieces to the puzzle that will lead them to the dildo. How this flick suddenly turned into National Pleasure:Book of Lesbians, I have no idea, but at least there’s neither a lieutenant Dan, nor a sad imbecile pinning for a tramp (tramps-o-plenty though, just no pining)

Spoiler Alert: Ashton Kucher doesn’t star in this one, but his whole life’s one big porno anyway so why would he care.

Honorable mentions – Pulp Friction, Shaving Private Ryan, A Jew for a Thrill, and Balls of Fury.

How To Sleep In Your Car

Why pay for a motel, when your car can double as a “mini-motel!” Much like the Capsule Hotels in Japan, which provide you with an area just large enough to fit your body, overnight car-sleeping is more comfortable than you think—if you make the proper preparations: Read more

Mardi Gras Bah Humbug

“Mardi Gras“is the huge week long party which comes to us from the French term “Mardi Gras” (literally “Fat Tuesday.”)  It should mean “Miserable Tuesday” because  the festival is a series of drunken Carnival events, and idiot parades thankfully ending on the day before Ash Wednesday. Although idiots the world over celebrate this glorified amateur night, the biggest Mardi Gras celebration is in New Orleans – which is the last place you want to be when it goes down.

Mardi Gras is not fun. I’ve been to Mardi Gras many of times. Here Are a few of the horrible things about Fat Tuesday:

1)   GIRLS GONE WAY TOO WILD

Ok, we get it, you flash your boobs in order to get some schmo to throw Mardi Gras beads. It’s great when it’s a young, fit, hottie, but most of the time its some girth-y housewife from Ohio drunk out of her head on too many Hurricanes.

2)   DEATH

Yeah, there’s always a lot of shootings in New Orleans during Mardi Gras. Last year alone there were 12 shootings. Some times shootings take place because of a fight over Mardi Gras beads. Shoot a dude for 80 cents worth of beads!?!? That’s pretty messed up!

3)   THE SMELL OF PEE

You’re going to get a lot of that. The whole parade route becomes one giant outdoor urinal. With the mass of humanity, it becomes a pee-where-you-are survival of the fittest.

4)   COCKFIGHTING

In the swamplands of Louisiana, cockfighting is still part of the Cajun Mardi Gras celebration. Yes, two roosters, equipped with Freddy Kruger–type claws fight it out to the death.  Everyone cheers.

5)   PIG SLAUGHTER AS A SPECTATOR SPORT

In St. Martinsville Louisiana, the annual Les Grande Bouchere Des Cajuns, part of the festivities include live pig slaughter as a spectator sport in front of a crowd of children and old people. The little ones get to stand in front for a better view

If You Disagree with Harmon Leon let us know!

Email Editor@teamcoed.com

5 Comic Books that should Never Be Made Into Movies

The 8th Sign of the Apocalypse

You have to be careful writing comic articles around Coed, because although you’d never be able to tell by the looks of his wife, our Executive Editor is a lifelong comic nerd . . .but like Apollo Creed says, “Some folks just gots to learn – the hard way.” So Below, Leon Harmon laces up the skates with our resident comic expert . . .and sort of winds up Nancy Kerrigan-ed.  Take it away Leon – -

Everyone goes Ga-Ga when they make the big screen version of  such comic books as Iron Man or Watchman. But it seems pretty soon they are going to run out of A-list comic book characters to do movie adaptations.

Here’s my pick of comic books that should never be made into Hollywood movies:

1) Aqualad

On Entourage Vinny Chase did a movie version of Aquaman directed by James Cameron. Obviously that was a piss-take on comic hero Hollywood blockbusters. Even more ridiculous would be a summer blockbuster based on Aqualad. There was something “funny” going on with Aquaman having a teen sidekick, and when I was a kid, I just couldn’t put my finger on it.

But the Comic Expert Says . . . You’re crazy.  This is not a “Number 1 Worst” by far.  If Smallville has taught us anything it’s that done correctly almost (Arm Fall Off Boy – No) any hot teen as a superhero concept could work.  You’re going to try to convince us that if you put the hottest set of  19 year old abs in a Speedo, on the beach, and give him a Monarchy title  like “Prince” (albeit of the ill fated Atlantis) that chicks aren’t going to go completely Bananas?? Bro, do you know anything about women? being a Prince with Abs is like a deed to the Universe – you just own everything.  Didn’t you catch the whole insane “Team Edward vs. Team the other guy” (sorry, but I’m a dude and I forgot his name) Phenom last summer?  Aqualad?  You’re insane.  Film this for under 30 million, in a Baywatch for girls style and you’ll have an ass-load of wet teens & early twenty-somethings, some Moist MILFs and good ol’ pile-o-cash.

Now if moist chicks and tons of money aren’t what you were going for . . .then I guess you’re right.

Potential Star??? – Email us at Editor@teamcoed.com with the subject line Aqualad.  We’ll print the best and send you some odd tchotchke.

Ouch . . .round two . . .Leon go!

2) Hawkman

Think of Batman, but with hawks. His romantic interest is Hawkgirl, who also dresses like a hawk. Hawkman carries an ancient mace as a weapon. Sounds like a furry party gone bad. Hey bad guys, look out for Hawkman!

Potential Hawkman Star: Josh Hartnett

But the Comic Expert Says . . . This reminds me of that old joke, “What do you say to a guy with two black eyes?  Nothing you already said it twice and they don’t get it”

Again, you’re thinking like a Dude.  First off Hawkman has the Prince angle – this time an Egyptian prince, but chicks don’t care that it was 5,000 years ago.  They just want Princes that are taller than 5 foot – and even the purple midget manged some insanely high tail – so imagine if you had wings like an angel and a pretty cool mace that you went around knocking people out with – chicks would love you.

I’m going to grant you that execution is key on both of these, but at the end of the day that sort of goes without saying.  Daredevil took some of the greatest Frank Miller stories of all time and reduced them to a wreck.  Darkman took a concept that never existed in comics and made it an awesome comic flick.  Execution is a given.  The issue is conceptually is it a disaster and again – the answer is a no.  Imagine “Hawk World” Thanagar filmed like Avatar!  Home run.  Add 3-D.  Game over.

. . .and the round as well.  Leon Go! . . .somebody pick up Leon and get him going please.  Go -!

3) Green Lantern

What make this guy a superhero is a power-ring he wears that creates a BIG lantern. So his superpower comes from a fashion accessory. One problem, his nemesis is the color yellow. Yellow kills this guy. Unfortunately we live on a planet with a yellow sun. Surely that’s not a logistical oversight.

Potential Green Lantern Star: Mickey Rourke

Dude, I’m not going to dignify this with a response.  Let’s move on.

He’s Merciful?!?! Then like Count Adumar says, “He shows his weakness.”  Leon go!

4) Captain Boomerang:

Look out bad guys! This superhero can use a boomerang really well. I mean reeeeeeally well! Yes, a superhero whose main weapon is a curved stick! But I’m sure Hollywood could make him seem really complex

Potential Captain Boomerang Star: Paul Rudd

I was granting you this one . . .and then you had to choose Paul Rudd as the lead, which makes me believe that you think this wouldn’t work as a Comedy?

Superbad meets Crocodile Dundee is a home run if you get it done for under 20 million!  There were like a dozen of those ridiculous Crocodile Dundee flicks, and that was without Paul Rudd who we think is hysterical!  Add Jeff Apatow directing and have the Suicide Squad show up featuring Steve Carell, Seth Rogan in cameos and this is a 50 million box office domestic another 50-80 international and 100 in DVD and Blu Ray.

Throw the towel!  Throw the god damn towel!! Leon Stay down!!  Stay Down!!

5) Wonder Man

Ok, Wonder Man is just like Wonder Woman, but he’s a dude. A Marvel rip off of DC comics.

Potential Captain Boomerang Star: Joaquin Phoenix

OK, now Wonder Man does suck.  However . . .I’m going to approach this less on the choice and more on the logic utilized in the choice.

Putting Spider-Man aside, start naming the Marvel Comic heroes from the 60′s that aren’t DC ripoffs.  The Fantastic Four was created to rival Justice League.  Iron Man is Batman with the suit being the “Utility Belt”.  Daredevil is Batman with a twist.  X-Men is Teen Titans. . . and on and on.  Now I’m not saying the whole marvel Universe is complete Plagiarism, but certainly a good portion is a lift – and who really cares anyway? (Besides DC, but “F” Time Warner.)  Marvel did things better (Crossing over heroes, Real cities, real problem in the lives of the heroes etc) and for comic fans that was fine wnough.

So to argue that a movie can’t be good because the source material was a lift is a leap that I don’t will wind up all but a Johnny Cochran class debater in a Snake Mountain Style Fail.

So agreed, Wonder Man sucks, but not because he’s a lift . . .He sucks because he’s a Tool.

. . .and there you have it folks!  Tune in next week when we let a Gnat, take on King Kong!  See you then.

The Hottest Woman Serial Killers—Gross!

Yes, they’re hot, they’re sexy, and they’ve murder numerous people by the bushel full. They are the hot females of serial killing! A serial killer is a person who murder usually three or more people over a period of more than 30 days with a “cooling off” period between each murder, whose motivation for killing is largely based on psychological gratification.

A painting?!? You had to go back from before when cameras were invented to put this together? Sheesh!?!?!

1) Elizabeth Bathory; better known as the “blond countess.” In the 1600’s blond Bathory was of royal blood and by far the most infamous woman serial killer . Being married at a young age, she spent most of her time in the Cachtice Castle in Hungary. Commoners who would work for Elizabeth would eventually disappear. Her thirst for torture along with the need to feel young, would be the reason for the deaths of nearly 600 young girls. Think of her like the Lady Di of serial killing.

Editors Note: Right, but when you have to go back 500 years to make a list of 5 hot chicks, and the first one we don’t even have an images of – all we have is a painting – the premise is pretty thin  . . .but let’s see where you’re going with this.

Hot? Maybe if you're Peppermint Patty. This is going downhill fast.

2) If you’re into swinging, Rosemary West of England is the serial killer for you. With the help of her husband Fred, the two sadistically tortured and murdered 12 young women from April 1973 – August 1979 in the comforts of their own home. Her voracious sexual appetite,and her sadomasochistic tendencies were said to have been the reason for the murders.

Editors Note: . . .if by swinging you mean I would hang myself before “Heading West”, then maybe.  I wouldn’t go South on West for 10 million.  I’m becoming more afraid of you by the moment Harmon.  You’re coming off like the type of guy that “tucks” and dances naked in front of a mirror.  How’s your dog Precious.  Shop for any new lotions or baskets lately?

3) Some guys are into chubby chasing or doms. Belle Gunness, America’s most prolific serial killer was 5’8″ and over 200 lb she was a physically strong woman. A popular date Belle is known to have killed most of her suitors, boyfriends, and her two daughters. Her apparent motives involved collecting life insurance benefits. Reports estimate that she killed more than 20 people over several decades during the early 1900’s.

Editors Note :I think not.  My theory is that they were drunk going in, and when they woke up next to her and realized what they did (pun intended) they killed themselves.  5’8″ and over 2 bills is like doing a Johnny pump .  . .wait, I take that back I don’t want to insult fire hydrants.  If you’re not a psycho then you must be an amazing wingman.  Is there a grenade that you won’t dive on?

uh . . .bro? Hot? You're a sick fella.

4) Celebrity is sexy. That’s why Aileen Wuornos makes our list. Killing seven men in Florida between 1989 and 1990, while working as a prostitute, Aileen was played by Charlize Theron in the movie version—and she’s pretty hot!

Editors Note: no, no, no let me help you figure this out- “Celebrities are sexy.”  Serial killers are clearly not.  Take a look to the right,  That’s what your meth addict “hottie” really looks like – Not Charlize Theron! That looks like a fat old Mike Myers in drag and a prison jumpsuit right off of crack whores cot com.

Harmon Leon is the author of the American Dream

So what did we learn:

1) Being the fat, ugly chick that only gets attention from the lowest rung of beef of the ladder may cause mental problems – gee who knew.

2)Don’t EVER let Harmon choose the Miss Coeds.

3) Serial Killers are not hot, and they get much worse with age.

4) The FBI is parked outside Harmon’s house 24/7.

5)  . . .and most of all that Harmon is a good sport for letting us have some fun with him, so buy his book!

lol . . .it’s “hot.”

The 4 Worst LOL Cats Knockoffs

Okay, those who created the website LOL Cats have made buckets full of money with their utterly simply formula: stupid pictures of cats with captions that sound like they were written by someone who wears a hockey helmet and rides the special bus. Because of its success, LOL Cats has spawned an entire sea of knockoffs hoping to catch the wave alongside the whole phenomenon. Here are the 4 I hate the most. Read more

The 5 Creepiest Animal Sex Toys

It’s no secret – when it comes to sex in the animal kingdom, people take the cake for kinkiest, most f**ked-up creatures of the whole bunch. In fact, we’re so messed up, we can’t even stick to having sex with the same species, some of the time. Not only that, but sometimes we even have sex with fake animals. But these 5 sex toys have to be the creepiest sex toys that involve animals or animal body parts (this side of Japan, anyway). Read more

How To Have Your Own Comedian Catchphrase

Great funnymen have great catchphrases. All the legendary comedians have that one classic line which ingrains itself into the recesses of mind, plopping into the annals of pop-culture.

A successful catchphrase brings a snicker the recipient’s lips by association, humorously reminding the listener of the comedic source referenced, and in turn making the proclaimer funny as well! Here’s a little catchphrase transit theory that will help make this concept clear.

Funny comedian catchphrase+you uttering it= you being funny

WORST CATCH PHRASES

“Do I make you horny?” – Austin Powers

“Git R Done!” – Larry the Cable Guy

“Mission Accomplished!” – George W. Bush

“NOT!” – Wayne’s World

“Watcha’ Talkin’ About, Willis!” – Gary Coleman

Try using one of the current crop of catchphrases sprinkled within your conversations. Such gems as: “Whaaaaaaasup!”, “I got my grub-on!”, “Hella’ cool!”, Da bomb!”, or “Don’t go there, girlfriend!” will bring a smile to anyone’s face, replacing any need to be originally clever by being funny through recognition of a phrase. Read more

The 5 Worst Carrot Top Bits

In the industry, the name ‘Carrot Top’ goes hand-in-hand with sh!tty comedy. In fact, his act is like the punchline of a joke; a joke that makes him millions each year playing in front of tourists in Vegas. The steroid-induced, plastic surgery-hybrid funnyman has some painfully awful bits. Here’s how a Vegas site describes his act: The award-winning comedy of “Carrot Top” keeps his audience laughing as he unpacks trunk loads of crazy props and wacky inventions. But what are the all time worst Carrot Top routines? Here’s my pick for the worst five. Read more

The Worst Actors Who Turned to Stand-up

First, actors who turn to stand-up comedy are never funny. They think they are ’cause they played a funny character on TV. Being a recognizable name, they didn’t have to cut their teeth on the stand-up circuit and immediately get precious stage time in L.A. clubs. Usually their acts center on what it was like to be on the particular TV show they were once on. That’s usually followed by airline jokes or bits about the difference between men and woman. Here are my choices for the worst: Read more