How To Grow Your Own Ganja Garden: The Vegetative Growth Stage [Weedly Column]

If you’ve been growing new bud from the time you read the Weedly Column about weed seeds to now, your new little friend has probably shot up a few inches in height and begun to grow leafy appendages. First there were the little baby seed leaves. Then, two suspiciously marijuana-esque leaves emerged from the stem. Now, if Mother Nature willed it, there should be sets of true cannabis leaves growing above it all. Welcome to the vegetative growth stage of the cannabis plant. Check out our step-by-step guide below.

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How To Grow Your Own Ganja Garden: Germinating Seeds [Weedly Column]

From the words of Snoop Dogg, “No seeds, no stems, no sticks,” makes some of the best weed to buy. With all due respect, Mr. Big Doggy Dizzle, there is one instance where this mantra does not really apply. If you’re trying to grow your own stash, you’re going to need to get the seeds from somewhere right? Cast away your paranoia like you would a cop without a search warrant and read our guide to germinating your own little Mary Jane below.

Sometimes in your stash of dirt that you bought from the guy selling from his van, you’ll find tiny (2-3 mm in diameter) little seeds. Once you spot one of these beauties though, don’t let your excitement get the best of you! These seeds must be handled with care. And by care, I mean you have to squeeze (not hug) them. That’s right, pick up your new friend and pinch it between your thumb and forefinger. If the seed caves in, pops, or flattens from your force, the seed may not be able to grow. If it manages to keep its shape, you’ve got a potential winner. [Note: just because a seed is tough doesn't mean that it's invincible.]

"I didn't know you liked to get wet, Dave"

Let’s start the germination process now, shall we? The first part of this process involves a preliminary soaking of the seeds in water for 12-16 hours. In doing this you will activate the seed’s mechanisms for growth. If you can give it more help, earlier, the seed will reciprocate by giving you more and better quality buds.

After the seeds have soaked for the proper amount of time, remove them very, very gently. This part of the process is kind of like what you did in 4th grade, only this time you’re now growing drugs that are illegal on a federal scale. Place your soaked seeds between the folds of a paper towel and put that towel on a plate. Next, pour water over the paper towel making sure that the excess water drains. Keep the seed’s new home moist over the next few days, and allow your anticipation to build. Check the appearance of your seeds every so often – this is where the excitement really starts to hit.

After a couple of days, the seed will open up and a white taproot will emerge from the shell. Congratulations! This is the first physical sign of your budding green thumbery. USING TWEEZERS, pick up your seed with the visible white taproot and place it, white taproot facing down, in some dirt, or even Miracle-Gro [Note: while MG isn't recommended, the seed will grow regardless. Use will just result in a lesser harvest]. Cover your new Baby Mary with about a centimeter of soil, give it a little water, and then wait. Patiently.

Here, the grower isn't folding the towel but he is using tweezers

After a few days, your little weed will emerge on a stalk just above the soil surface. The stalk will bring with it two little seed leaves which resemble more of a round shape than the true marijuana leaves you’re used to seeing. Take this moment to realize that you’ve just brought a new life into this world. Furthermore, realize the responsibility you must now face: your child needs more than a little more protection and care given the blind scorn and discrimination it is wont to face.

Nourish it with water and sunlight but, as always, use baby steps when administering nutrition; since you don’t want to drown it or dry it out, finding the happy medium is of utmost importance. Before too long, true weed leaves will begin to grow, and you’ll be hard pressed not to take a look at your new buddy every few minutes with the loving gaze of a new gardener.

A budding female bud

Quick and Early Tips for Growing Females

As we explained before, your real goal in growing is to get the ladies – both literally and figuratively. They’re the ones that contain all the THC you want and need. Since plants have no set gender until somewhat later in their growth, you can actually help your seed grow into Mary Jane and not Mario Jane. There are a few complicated ways of doing this, but you can achieve some success by controlling the environment they grow in:

• Higher nitrogen and lower potassium level in soil for first two weeks

• Lower temperatures

• High humidity

• Less exposure to daylight, roughly 14 hours

Halloween or Williamsburg, Disney Face Swap, My Band’s T-Shirt [Websites of the Week]

At COED we try to pay homage to the funniest and most WTF sh*t on the interwebs. With our “Websites of the Week” column, we’ve done just that. If you’re looking to murder some time, you can’t do any better than our suggestions. This week’s sites feature the hardest rocking T-Shirts around, Halloweeners or hipsters, and gender-bending Disney characters. Check out this week’s top suggestions then submit your nominations for future WOTW to editor@teamcoed.com with the subject line “Websites of the Week”.

My Band T-Shirt

Everyone’s got that one band shirt. You know, the one you wear when the band on it isn’t even playing and the one you got your first blood smear on from a mosh pit. This site lets people submit their favorite tee and then give the tale behind it. They may not live the crazy lives of the musicians they went and saw, but there’s a story for every shirt.

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Halloween or Williamsburg

It’s that time of year when it’s more and more difficult to tell the difference between people who wear Halloween costumes in a festive sense and people who wear Halloween costumes in an ironic sense. This site tests your hipster spotting skills and asks you whether the person in the picture is wearing a spooky getup or if they’re just from the acclaimed hipster cesspool of Williamsburg.

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Disney Face Swap

You know that crush you used to have on Jasmine from the movie Aladdin? Think again. This site will twist your prepubescent memories and leave you with a complex not even the Genie could wish away for you.

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Trick-or-Toke: Halloween’s Anti-Pot Message [WEEDLY COLUMN]

Lean in close around this cyber-campfire so you may better hear a scary story, the likes of which will wake you up at night and compel you to toss your stash in fear of dreaded weed monsters (indeed, their hair may very well be dreadlocked – oh, the horror!).

About 33 years ago, a film about a certain knife-wielding individual named Michael Myers, who liked to go around stabbing babysitters to death, reared his ugly mask. Since then, it has spawned (and I feel I’m fairly justified in saying this) more sequels than were necessary. I mean, I’ll believe a monster can come back to life once, maybe even thrice, but 7 times? And with two remakes?? It’s completely unrealistic and possibly milked.

Back to the point. Remember the part in Halloween where Laurie and Annie are in the latter’s car, smoking a joint? Well, Mr. Myers was behind them receiving a contact high while getting his stalk on. It would seem like he’s not a fan of second-hand smoke.

You might not think the two babysitters’ act of smoking a joint played a big part in the movie, but riddle me this: who does Michael Myers end up slaughtering and chasing throughout the film? Annie ends up strangled and slit while Laurie barely manages to escape the stab-happy fiend, having to pop multiple caps in his masked face before he bites the dust.

My point is this: Michael Myers’ metacognitive role in the film Halloween was to “correct” taboo behavior, whatever it may have been, from the business end of his Bowie blade. It wasn’t to randomly go on a killing spree so that those viewing the film would jump at well-organized horror-camerawork.

Look at the dominant traits of the characters he deals death to. They act as promiscuous, hard-headed teenagers focused on drinking, screwing and having a general disregard for the rules. Smoking pot, correct me if I’m wrong, still to this day falls under that last one there, at least in the United States.

Busta never stood a chance...

We can consider the motivation for the creators of the movie to give Michael Myers such a role in two different ways. In the first, they simply use Michael to drive fear into viewers (who may be high even as they watch the movie) with the face-value suspense, blood and gore. This, however, seems too easy, although I’m sure it probably worked for the more paranoid audience members.

Now, Michael is supposed to be a homicidal psychopath who is unable to distinguish right from wrong. Without an understanding of any set of morals, how is it that the characters he kills tend to be like the ones described previously (seen by society as stoners, sluts and insubordinates) and not truly chosen at random? Perhaps the creators of Halloween wanted to show what the majority of American society deems is wrong, or out of line, through the traits possessed by Michael’s victims and their actions throughout the movie. In this way, Michael Myers is used as a correcting-mechanism for the unruly behavior the teenagers in Halloween display.

And look who doesn’t get stuck like a pig: Laurie Strode, the goody-two-shoes of the movie. Her adherence to the rules is paramount in this film, which is supported in part by her reluctance and innocence during the joint-smoking car scene. On the other hand, Annie is the one who produces the joint and initiates the debauchery of that scene and, sorry to spoil, Michael makes mincemeat out of her later.

If you weren't a paranoid pothead before..

So, whether Halloween’s purpose was to activate your nightmares later when you fall asleep or to bring to light a taboo issue of the time the movie was made, it imparts the message that marijuana was a no-no as far as most of American society was concerned.

In any case, watch out for monsters, cops and DEA agents this Halloween. And if you see someone dressed as Towelie, that’s me.

TMNT Noses, Presidential Pick-Up Lines, This Is Why I’m Broke [Websites of the Week]

At COED we try to pay homage to the funniest and most WTF sh*t on the interwebs. With our “Websites of the Week” column, we’ve done just that. If you’re looking to murder some time, you can’t do any better than our suggestions. This week’s sites feature celebrities with turtle shnozs, John Hancock’s best innuendo, and reasons why you’re a broke S.O.B. Check out this week’s top suggestions then submit your nominations for future WOTW in the comments section below.

Presidential Pickup Lines

Only the Presidents of the USA were able to drop lines like “Yes, the Gettysburg Address was short… But I know something that isn’t.” For more hilarious presidential player-isms, check out the site below.

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Teenage Mutant Ninja Noses

The only explanation for a site like this can be that the Internet exists. So, which teenage mutant ninja nose are you? Raphlegm, Donachoolo, Leonosedo or Michelangesundheit? Hiyachooo!

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This Is Why I’m Broke

How did I not know that I could buy a glass, see-through billiard table for over $40,000? Oh right, because I’m a blogger and can’t even afford to eat out for lunch. If you’re the 1%, or want to see how the 1% lives, check out the best luxury-goods website in the world.

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Blackboards in Porn, The Likeable Bible, Hot Girls of #OccupyWallStreet [Websites of the Week]

At COED we try to pay homage to the funniest and most WTF sh*t on the interwebs. With our “Websites of the Week” column, we’ve done just that. If you’re looking to murder some time, you can’t do any better than our suggestions. This week’s sites feature pornographic chalkboards, some d*mn good Bible verses, and the hottest hippies down with OWS. Check out this week’s top suggestions then submit your nominations for future WOTW in the comments section.

Blackboards in Porn

If I had a nickel for every…I’ll stop there. Porn 101, nearly 10% of each pornographic video is shot in a classroom. Since I’m sure you’ve seen at least one example of in-class porn, I’ll ask you how much attention you were paying to the blackboard. This site points out the special lesson of the day and judges how clean the pedagogy is. It can get pretty nasty sometimes, trust me.

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The Likeable Bible

There are some Bible verses you might choose to live by, in particular Proverbs 31:7, which reads “Let him drink, and forget his poverty, and remember his misery no more.” Or you know, Exodus 20:13, which says “Thou shalt not kill.” “Like” whatever you want, but just know that someone’s watching

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Hot Girls of #OccupyWallStreet

Because we’ve been looking for a legit reason to care about a bunch of dirty hippies hanging out downtown.

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Why Sexually Frustrating a Female Marijuana Plant Is A Good Thing [Weedly Column]

There’s a reason why we all lovingly refer to cannabis as Mary Jane. It’s the smokin’ female plant that provides the greatest abundance of THC, located in the resin of its flowers. We’ve already talked about the seductive powers of Mary Jane in the human bedroom, but what about the reasons and ways that growers change the plant’s sex life? In this Weedly Column, we’re sitting down to give you some higher education concerning the important differences between male and female marijuana plants and how they concern potheads and growers alike.

One of the cool things about marijuana (as if there weren’t enough already) is that the male and female plants are distinctive in gender. This is called being dioecious, which means “the property of a group of biological organisms that have males and females, but not members that have organs of both sexes at the same time.” Most members of the plantae kingdom are monoecious in nature and have male and female flowers on the same plant, or even bisexual flowers. Cannabis is one of the more unique plants in this respect, among many others.

In order for us to get as high as we can, we, and growers, tend to act selfish with Mary Jane’s sexuality. Within a cannabis garden, males and females growing together are difficult to distinguish from each other – at least during the beginning. After roughly eight weeks of growth, differences in the act of flowering start to emerge between the two genders. Flowers will begin to appear on the males up to two weeks before females (under a 12 hour day / 12 hour night photoperiod). Male plants also sport fewer flowers than females due to the fact one male plant can pollinate many females. Whereas females form pistils (above), males form pollen sacks (balls). We’re selfish with Mary Jane because in order to harvest the optimal amount of resin, we must sexually frustrate the female marijuana plant.

Ya’ll know what c*ck block is. Sucks, right? What growers do to female plants to harness the THC-rich resin is essentially a box block (at least that’s what the urban dictionary calls the female version of c*ck block). Once the males are determinable, they are uprooted from the garden so they can’t interact with the females. When male plants pollinate females, the females stop producing high amounts of THC resin (good) and instead form seeds (not good). Letting the plants copulate is one mistake you do not want to make as a grower, at least if you want some THC. Male plants do contain THC and cannabinoids, but at a much lower amounts than females. Like I said before, we call cannabis Mary Jane and not Merry Jay for a reason.

Once the male plants are taken out of the picture, the poor females are left disappointed and unsatisfied, and, to vent this frustration, they start producing more flowers, ipso facto, more resin, and more THC. These plants are essentially going into massive heat due to the lack of male presence, and I can’t help but feel slightly guilty about denying them the ability to get it on. Still…smoking bowls is real nice.

Paula Deen Riding Things, Awkward Family Photos, Creepers Who Text [Websites of the Week]

At COED we try to pay homage to the funniest and most WTF sh*t on the interwebs. With our “Websites of the Week” column, we’ve done just that. If you’re looking to murder some time, you can’t do any better than our suggestions. This week’s sites feature Paula Deen getting her ride on, the most awkwardy awkward family photos, and texts the creeper from Scooby Doo would be proud of sending. Check out this week’s top suggestions after the jump.

Paula Deen Riding Things

Ummm…okay. After the initial weirdness and complete uncomfortableness of this site, you learn to appreciate the artful way these two college students, Nick and Robbie, position Paula on the random gifs and pics on their site. Giddy up ya’ll! With a dash of cheesecake and pound of butter!

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Awkward Family Photos

Don’t tell us you’ve never had an awkward family Christmas photo where you’re staring off into space with a lopsided grin on your face while Dad is looking like he’s murdering the camera person with his eyes. Oh, just me? Well, at least I’m not alone anymore.

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Creepers Who Text

Some people just don’t get that after sending the seventh “Hello,” without receiving a response back, it’s probably a good time to stop sending those desperation texts. Besides being hella creepy, restraining orders are coming back in style. So unless you want the pre-rape/assault stamp on your record, just take a deep breath and wait for her to respond.

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3 Reasons Why Autumn Is The Sticky Icky Season [Weedly Column]

We’re full on into the Fall season and just about midway through the Fall semester, which means most college-aged peeps are hitting the books (and naturally, the bong) hard. Autumn also marks the start of a new marketing season for dealers at college. A good dealer should know to up his or her game by carrying better bud now that the concentrating masses are back on campus. If you’re looking to purchase your stash for the semester (or the week), the time is now! So, what can you expect during the fall season, chronically speaking? Read on to find out…

1. Increased Quantity

Most crops of Mary Jane in the Midwest, South, and West Coast of the United States are harvested during October and through November. This means the bud you get right now will be just about as fresh as it can be compared to later in the year. With the harvesting season underway, the overall presence of ganja will grasstically increase as well, and even if it’s not the best bud around, at least there’ll be some in the vicinity. If you’re one of those people who stuck around campus through the summer, you’ll really notice the difference in greenery on campus from one season to next.

2. Increased Quality

But more likely than not the quality of the grass you can obtain will have gone up, too, at least if you know the decent dealers. Those are the ones who are looking to hook people from the get-go with a product they can be proud of (they’re probably double-majoring in horticulture and marketing if they’re a student). You might even get strain names out of them if you’re lucky. My personal favorite for the fall season so far has been Lemon Kush. You know the saying: “If life gives you lemon kush…”-wait, I just had it…oh yeah – “smoke that sh*t!”

Dude! Sh*t's on sale!

3. Increased Supply Means Lower Prices

Although any dealer’s/business’s main priority is profit, given the abundance of weed right now, one might be willing to let go of a few bucks from the money trees to make a less profitable sale to a valued customer. Quarter ounces are typically $80, but through October and November you might see them go for $70. Eighths may be had for $35, but you’ll probably keep paying $20 for a dubsack. Don’t expect to skimp your dealer out on a dimebag either.

The bottom line is there’s no better season for pot smokers than Fall. The leaves are changing color in more ways than one. Rake together whatever change you can pull from the couch, it’ll be more than enough to blaze.

Disagree? Sound off in the comments, son!

Show Me Non-Stop, Letters of Note, Lyrics To Live By [Websites of the Week]

At COED we try to pay homage to the funniest and most WTF sh*t on the interwebs. With our “Websites of the Week” column, we’ve done just that. If you’re looking to murder some time, you can’t do any better than our suggestions. This week’s sites feature a never-ending stream of HD videos, noteworthy letters worth the read, and some lyrics to live by. Check out this week’s top suggestions below.

 Show Me Non-Stop

For those of you who know and subscribe to StumbleUpon, Show Me Non-Stop could be considered its video-based equivalent. If you like mindlessly zoning out to an endless stream of HD videos, this site is for you. All you have to do is type in what you wanna see videos of, click enter, than watch away. If you don’t like the particular selection, click once and it’ll take you to another one.

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Letters of Note

Whether you want to laugh, think or blubber, Letters of Note features “letters, postcards, telegrams, faxes, and memos” from famous people around the world that are sure to put a smile on your face, a thought in your head or a tear in your eye. For all of the above, I recommend checking out Mr. Rogers’ correspondence with a 6-year-old fan who wanted to visit the Neighborhood.

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Lyrics To Live By

The disclaimer reads, “I dig music, enjoy.” We do too, man, we do, too. That’s why we’ve chosen to show you this tumblr dedicated to the greatest lyricists and song writers of music history.

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Take A Trip With Our Far Out Guide To Psychedelic Plants [WEEDLY COLUMN]

We here at COED don’t encourage the use of illegal substances, but we recognize that you’re not going to listen to our advice anyways. That’s why we’ve pulled together this list of other psychoactive drugs that you can try out when / if you get bored with or run out of weed. Make sure your bags are packed, because we’re about to take you on a trip to the garden of your dreams.

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WTF Japan Seriously, Animals Talk IN CAPS, Howlers From Last Night [Websites of the Week]

At COED we try to pay homage to the funniest and most WTF sh*t on the interwebs. With our “Websites of the Week” column, we’ve done just that. If you’re looking to murder some time, you can’t do any better than our suggestions. This week’s sites feature some really weird sh*t from the Land of the Sun, YELLING animals, and some TextsFromLastNight Harry Potter-style. Check out some of the best sites on the web below.

WTF Japan Seriously

If you’ve never seen a Japanese game show, now is as good a time as any to open up that Pandora’s box. From an American standpoint, you never quite know what to expect from our cousins that are so far West they’re East, but you can be sure it will grab your attention, for better or worse. This site is full of Japanese game show moments and advertisements that will make you think Ninja Warrior is tame.

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ANIMALS TALKING IN ALL CAPS

Here’s another Tumblr that shouldn’t take up an hour of your time but does anyways because animals talking in CAPS IS FREAKING SWEET.

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Howlers From Last Night

Most of you have heard of the site TextsFromLastNight, but this site reworks them into screenshots from Harry Potter. Call me what you will, but imagining Hermione drunkenly asking a stripper to join her volleyball team is funny. Don’t deny that.

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The 5 Most Stoner-Friendly States [WEEDLY COLUMN]

Previously, we’d shown you the Best & Worst Places to Smoke Pot, the Best Cities To Celebrate 4/20, and the 5 Highest Countries. One constant thread through those lists? The US of f***ing A! But, for some reason the U.S. isn’t very joint when it comes to marijuana. Go to one state and you can light up a spliff on the street hassle-free. Go to another, do the same and 5-0 will be on you like white on rice. If you’re trying to blaze up, you should at least know the states that won’t harsh your buzz. Check out the top 5 stoner-friendly states below.

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HONORABLE MENTIONS: WASHINGTON, VERMONT, NEW HEMP…HAMPSHIRE

Disagree? Let us know in the comments!

Street Art Utopia, StereoMood, Post-It War [WEBSITES OF THE WEEK]

At COED we try to pay homage to the funniest and most WTF sh*t on the interwebs. With our “Websites of the Week” column, we’ve done just that. If you’re looking to murder some time, you can’t do any better than our suggestions. This week’s sites feature incredible feats of graffiti and street art, a radio station to fit your every mood, and the Louvre of post-it note art. Check out some of the best sites on the web then feel free to submit suggestions in our comments section or send them to editor [at] teamcoed [dot] com.

Street Art Utopia

Graffiti might commonly be thought of as inner-city mischief, but the masterpieces on this site will no doubt change even the most stubborn of haters’ minds. In my humble opinion, more buildings could use a touch of flair from the artists on this site. Feast your eyes on these paintings and sculptures of epic proportions.

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Stereomood

Stereomood is internet radio that caters to your mood, no matter how specific. It might have to work harder to find a good playlist for feeling “apathetic,” but it has a playlist for every mood between “Afrodesiac” and “Zazzy.” Literally.

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Post-It War

It’s not an actual war, but rather a tumblr devoted to people making pixellated art with their post-it notes. I recognize that there might not be that much you can do to spruce up your view of a car park, so these guys deserve credit for going above and beyond.

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