He Said / She Said: 6 Things We (Almost) Like Better Than Sex

He Said/She Said is a dating, sex, and relationship series designed to help dudes understand what chicks are thinking – we know, an impossible feat. Every week we’ll be throwing out a different topic for debate…you can read the guy’s side here and the girl’s side at CollegeCandy.com. This week’s topic: 6 Things We ALMOST Like Better Than Sex.

Sex: it officially can’t be beaten. I sat here for a lengthy period of time trying to figure out 6 things that could, but no. I’m a failure, I know, but could you honestly do any better than me? The most I could come up with was an awesome Scottish biscuit called a “HobNob”, but other than that I was completely dumbfounded.

There are, however, some things that come close. Here are 6 things that we’d nearly choose over bumpin’ uglies.

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Check out what SHE SAID at CollegeCandy.com.

He Said / She Said: 6 Common Kinds of Miscommunication Between The Sexes

He Said/She Said is a dating, sex, and relationship series designed to help dudes understand what chicks are thinking – we know, an impossible feat. Every week we’ll be throwing out a different topic for debate…you can read the guy’s side here and the girl’s side at CollegeCandy.com. This week’s topic: Miscommunication between the sexes.

Each week CollegeCandy lovely lady Lauren and I put our heads together to come up with a hot button topic for this column. Last week, due to some “technical difficulties”, we at COED wrote about white lies we tell chicks (mostly girlfriends) while College Candy wrote about “shameful attractions” or things guys do, say, or wear that women are ashamed to admit are hot. Sh*t happens. Wires get crossed. But, out of that train wreck comes something awesome – this week’s topic! Miscommunication between the sexes.

With that being said, here’s some forms of miscommunication that prevent us from ever being Mel Gibson in What Women Want (and more like Mel Gibson on that racist voicemail rant to his gf):

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Check out what SHE SAID at CollegeCandy.com.

He Said / She Said: 9 White Lies Guys Tell Girls

He Said/She Said is a dating, sex, and relationship series designed to help dudes understand what chicks are thinking – we know, an impossible feat. Every week we’ll be throwing out a different topic for debate…you can read the guy’s side here and the girl’s side at CollegeCandy.com . This week’s topic: little white lies guys tell girls.

According to most dating bibles “Understanding” is a major component of a healthy relationship: “Understanding” her unhealthy obsession with footwear; “Understanding” his need for guy time every now and again; “Understanding” the reasoning behind the half-naked photos of his secretary you found on his iPhone. Okay so maybe not the last one, but my point remains: in order to have a long-lasting and loving relationship, you apparently must be completely open about all your little quirks and your partner must then in turn accept them.

This would be perfectly reasonable (or “understandable”) if not for the fact that no one in their right mind actually does it. Sure, coming to terms with your wives’ wardrobe of shoes is a relatively easy process, but how would you feel if you found out that huge muscular guys don’t really “scare her”, and that every morning she wakes up and stares sorrowfully at your weedy little frame with a pitiful resignation? There’s just some things that they don’t want us to know, and a whole bunch of things that we don’t want them to know. Unfortunately, I’m about to let the cat out of the bag. Here’s a few “white lies” we may or may not have repeatedly told the fairer sex.

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Check out what SHE SAID at CollegeCandy.com.

He Said / She Said: How We REALLY Handle Break-ups

He Said/She Said is a dating, sex, and relationship series designed to help dudes understand what chicks are thinking – we know, an impossible feat. Every week we’ll be throwing out a different topic for debate…you can read the guy’s side here and the girl’s side at CollegeCandy.com. This week’s topic: How Dudes REALLY Handle Break-ups.

Last week we deliberated over what we think women do after we break up with them – it turns out that we assume that they turn into venomous, drug-addled nymphomaniacs.  We’d feel guilty about this, but it turns out that they haven’t got very high expectations of us either .

So I think it’s about time we set the record straight, don’t you? Here’s how we men really handle break-ups; prepare to either empathize or sympathize, depending upon your gender.

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LEAD PHOTO CREDIT: hana/Datacraft

Check out what SHE SAID at CollegeCandy.com.

He Said / She Said: 5 Things We Think Girls Do After Breaking Up With Us

He Said/She Said is a dating, sex, and relationship series designed to help dudes understand what chicks are thinking – we know, an impossible feat. Every week we’ll be throwing out a different topic for debate…you can read the guy’s side here and the girl’s side at CollegeCandy.com. This week’s topic: How Us Dudes Think Chicks Handle Breaking Up.

Your long-term girlfriend has just called it off with you. Oh God. What do you do now?! You’ve spent this past year comfort-eating cookies and wearing a variety of sweatpants, and now you’re suddenly being thrust back into single life? You can’t hit the club in this state. You look like Kirstie Alley with a beard.

But aside from the fear that you’re gonna need to hit the gym again, there’s also the lingering concern that she’s going to run off and live the high life. That bothers you because you now refuse to leave your man-cave and choose instead to spend the next couple of weeks remembering “the good times” whilst listening to “There Is A Light That Never Goes Out.”

So what do our ex’s really do after the break-up? Well to be perfectly honest, we don’t really have a clue, but in our minds it goes a little something like this…

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Check out what SHE SAID at CollegeCandy.com.

He Said / She Said: 6 Simple Things Girls Should Do For Us

He Said/She Said is a dating, sex, and relationship series designed to help dudes understand what chicks are thinking – we know, an impossible feat. Every week we’ll be throwing out a different topic for debate…you can read the guy’s side here and the girl’s side at CollegeCandy.com. This week’s topic: 6 little things we wish girls would do for us.

LEAD PHOTO CREDIT: knape, Vetta

When you’re in a relationship, it becomes quite difficult to stop yourself from getting too comfortable. No matter how hard you try to act as though every day is the first day you met, it’s simply unnatural to spend so much time with another person and continue to hold in your farts like a gentleman.

But it’s not just us guys who find ourselves becoming a bit lazy and boring; you women are just as bad, with your early nights and relentless trips to Ikea to purchase cheap bookshelves. So what should be done in order to stop us all from mutating into sub-human vegetables, sitting at opposite ends of the couch whilst silently watching Grey’s Anatomy? Here are 6 things we wish our girls would do for us.

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Check out what SHE SAID at CollegeCandy.com.

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He Said / She Said: Meeting The Parents

He Said/She Said is a new dating, sex, and relationship advice series designed to help dudes understand what chicks are thinking – we know, an impossible feat. Every week we’ll be throwing out a different topic for debate…you can read the guy’s side here and the girl’s side at CollegeCandy.com. This week’s topic: meeting the parents.

Perhaps the most terrifying point in a relationship is the day when you are obligated to meet your girlfriend’s parents. Sure, engagements, weddings and child-birth are all probably rough, too, but that first step into seriousness is always the most nerve-racking; standing toe-to-toe with her Dad, him knowing full well that you’re humping his daughter, is enough to make any man just want to retire into the mountains and lead a life of celibacy.

Sitting around the dinner table surrounded by her family, keeping your guard up as you try to quietly make your way through the Sunday roast without humiliating yourself is a challenge in and of itself, without the added pressure of the small talk you’ll be forced to engage in if you want to, y’know, actually impress them. So what do you say?

Photo by Bernhard Lang, Cultura

HER DAD

Make eye contact

Give a non-jackassy smile – natural, confident and a nod. Not a sh*t-eating grin that says, Hey, I’ve been inside your daughter!

Give a firm handshake.

Don’t act like a p*ssy. Have a backbone – if you disagree with something, speak up, but do so in a respectful tone. He’ll respect you more for it.

Don’t be afraid to state what you like and what you know (making sure it’s within reason – “porn” and “how to execute ‘The Stranger’” should be off limits). Try to find common ground.

Admit when you’re wrong or when you don’t know anything about the topic at hand. But inquire about the things he knows & loves. Let him teach you.

Keep the conversation going.

Keep the convo on guy-centric sh*t and focused on him. Lead him to story time, direct him to a place where he can brag about his accomplishments or his family.

Avoid detailed discussion about your gf / his daughter, but don’t be awkward about it. Filter it back to him and his family – “She mentioned you collect ____, what made you get into that?”

Show interest. Don’t yawn. Don’t play with your phone.

Don’t lie; instead move towards an acceptable, harmless truth.

Photo by Daniel Laflor, the Agency Collection

HER MOM

Bring her a gift. Dads could probably care less and you’re more likely to piss him off for being pretentious. A gift for mom, on the other hand, is clutch. Definitely consult with your chick first.

While you treat the Dad encounter more like a job interview, the mom portion should be like a first date. You’re dressed appropriately, nails clipped, hair trimmed, doling out ‘please’ and ‘thank yous ‘, and offering to help.

Compliment her house, compliment her food, compliment, compliment, compliment. Don’t overdo it or you’ll come off like a brown-noser, but correctly placed and timed compliments will make her knees buckle.

Charm her. Make her see why her daughter is attracted to you.

In closing, remind yourself that her mom and dad were in the same position you’re in now. They just want to make sure you’re not a complete douchebag @sshole.

Check out what SHE SAID at CollegeCandy.com.

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He Said / She Said: The Lowdown On Goin’ Down

He Said/She Said is a new dating, sex, and relationship series designed to help dudes understand what chicks are thinking – we know, an impossible feat. Every week we’ll be throwing out a different topic for debate…you can read the guy’s side here and the girl’s side at CollegeCandy.com. This week’s topic: oral sex.

“When a man and a woman love each other, they sometimes like to show their by love by giving each other a special kind of hug. Sometimes they can’t be bothered to hug, so they instead put their genitals in each other’s mouths. This, children, is called ‘oral sex’, and it is a beautiful, beautiful thing.”

And that’s another reason why I would’ve made an awesome teacher.

There is nothing a man appreciates more than a woman who has perfectly mastered the art of the blow job. Not that there is much of an art to master to begin with; the amount of effort required to perform a successful one pales in comparison to that required for cunnilingus, no matter how many times you women insist that it doesn’t. Truth be told the mere notion of a woman kneeling before us and bestowing seven minutes of undivided servitude upon our almighty penis is almost enough to do it for us. Almost.

Some women are just naturally and hopelessly untalented at it, namely those who approach your tool as if it is an alien life-form that must be eradicated for the good of mankind. These women are known to use a frankly sadistic amount of teeth and jerk you off as if they are  reloading a particularly stubborn pump-action shotgun. This isn’t sexy in the slightest, unless you’re the kind of guy who also finds a disturbing amount of pleasure in being kicked squarely in the nutsack.

But aside from these rare specimen waging war on our poor scrotums, pretty much any other technique will suffice. Herein lies the primary difference between male and female oral pleasure. The task of pleasing a female is in and of itself daunting. Do you realize just how many erogenous zones there are on those chicks? Mouth, ass, boobs, waist, feet – I’m pretty sure there’s one at the back of their knee caps, too. I mean, c’mon. Why d’you need one there? That’s plain greedy.

An inexperienced guy could be forgiven for expecting an instruction manual to be included with every vagina. I could certainly have done with one when I was younger. Only now do I realize that what I once deemed to be Grade A oral stimulation was me fruitlessly lapping at a girl’s genitalia like a cat sitting at a bowl of milk – thankfully after 2 long relationships my game has significantly improved, and my tongue has steadily evolved into an orgasm-seeking missile.

Though I must confess my selfishness when it comes to aiding the needs of womankind (my girlfriend) has not gone unnoticed. I, like many other men, expect oral sex a lot more frequently than she does, something which I really have no excuse for. That hasn’t stopped me trying  to think of some, though. In fact, I’ve compiled a list of excuses so large that they should be novelised into a nifty handbook for lazy f***ers. The truth is I have no strong feelings against it, it’s just that it provides me a very limited amount of personal satisfaction.

There may be men out there who claim that one of their favorite things about sex is performing oral on their partner, but I’m going to go out on a limb here and state that every single one of those men is lying. I find it unfathomable that any man could derive sexual pleasure out of anything that didn’t require them to shove their shlong into an undisclosed orifice. It defies every rule of science and those that claim otherwise are simply doing so in order to cajole a woman into sleeping with them, even those of you who are midway through leaving me a hate-filled message in the comments section; you’re all liars. But don’t worry. I don’t blame you. When I was single, I was one of you.

Check out what SHE SAID at CollegeCandy.com.

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He Said / She Said: Birthday Parties Are For Chicks (Unless You’re Baller)

He Said/She Said is a new dating, sex, and relationship series designed to help dudes understand what chicks are thinking – we know, an impossible feat. Every week we’ll be throwing out a different topic for debate…you can read the guy’s side here and the girl’s side at CollegeCandy.com. This week’s topic: birthday parties.

When you’re a kid, birthday parties are the sh*t. Mickey D’s and a movie and you’re all set. As we get older, we care less and less about the simple childish things that gave us joy and focus more on the “simple” adult things we men enjoy (sex, booze, drugs). Since that “to do” list doesn’t vary that greatly from a typical weekend out and since guys could give a sh*t about feeling “special” on their birthday (unlike chicks), how do you throw a birthday blowout that isn’t drowning in estrogen?

1. Either have a bar crawl or an open bar. Bar crawls are nice because if the venue sucks, you go to another one. Open bars are nice because if the venue sucks, you drink your face off.

2. If you’re single, invite as many female friends as possible, so that if you fail to hook up with a complete stranger in the club, you can at least share an awkward one-night-stand with someone you’ve known since you were 13 years old.

3. If you’ve got a girlfriend, go the bachelor party route (unless your gf has smoking hot friends).

4. The ratio of females to males must be kept reasonably equal, even if you aren’t looking yourself. There is nothing more humiliating than organizing a party that will later be deemed a sausage-fest, as doing so suggests one of two things:

A) You don’t know any girls

or

B) What girls you do know didn’t show up in fear that you and your creepy buddies would molest them.

5. Don’t host it at a venue where you’ll have to clean up in the morning, such as your house or your dorm. Family birthday parties should be held completely separate from friends birthday party, at least until you’re married with kids.

6. Be vigilant. A man’s birthday is just another excuse for his friends to attempt to humiliate him in a public setting. When you were younger ‘birthday beatings’ would suffice, but as you grow older things can swiftly escalate from a crude drawing of an erect penis scribbled across your forehead (replete with a few scraggly hairs on the ballsack) to finding yourself completely naked and tied to a lamppost.

All in all, it’s best if you view your birthday similar to surviving a night in Elm Street; keep your back covered and for the love of God do NOT fall asleep.

The last thing you should do is have a birthday cake.

Check out these birthday cake fails:

Check out what SHE SAID at CollegeCandy.com.

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He Said / She Said: Does Her Underwear Matter?

Photo by Hapa, Taxi

He Said/She Said is a new dating, sex, and relationship series designed to help dudes understand what chicks are thinking – we know, an impossible feat. Every week we’ll be throwing out a different topic for debate…you can read the guy’s side here and the girl’s side at CollegeCandy.com. This week’s topic: does her underwear matter?

Recently a girl I know told me that she had purchased some underwear for herself as a present for her boyfriend. Baffled, I questioned her as to how clothing that she was going to wear on her own body would in any way be a viable gift for her other half. “Well, it’s nice underwear”, she responded.

Now it’d be unreasonable for me to assess her boyfriend’s reaction come the morning of his birthday, having his girlfriend tell him that she has a “special surprise” for him only for her to turn up to his house and unveil a pair of rouge bra ‘n’ panties, but if that were me I’d be like “BITCH, WHERE’S MY PLAYSTATION 3?!” before grabbing those bank-busting earrings I’d recently bought her and sprinting to the pawn shop.

I can see how women got the impression that men care about their choice of underwear; the evidence is all across the our magazine covers. But honestly, the only reason Kelly Brook bothers wearing them in photo-shoots is so we can thumb through Maxim without our missus’ asking why we’re “looking at porn”.

That isn’t to say underwear cannot help accentuate a woman’s best assets. Booty shorts tuck miraculously well underneath the curves of the ass. In fact, it was upon witnessing a bunch of Spanish teens frolicking around in them poolside whilst holidaying at the tender age of 12 that I was first propelled into puberty. I remember staring wide-eyed and mouth agape at the sight of the slight (but noticeable) jiggle that rippled across their bronzed cheeks following each movement they made, and looking down at myself and thinking “I don’t know what’s happening down there, but I think I need to discreetly make my way into the bathroom and punch it until it goes away”. Fortunately I soon found out that there was another way of beating it that was decidedly more enjoyable.

Booty shorts are the second best thing a girl can wear on her body. But, what’s the first? Nothing at all, of course, and therein lies the problem; a girl can cover up her modesty as sexily as she likes, but nothing she may find will be as sexy as her modesty. That doesn’t stop her underwear from being a visual representation of her character, though. A guy can learn a lot from a woman’s mindset just from what she’s wearing underneath her clothes. For instance, if you take a girl home from the club and she’s wearing bra ‘n’ panties with grossly mismatched colors, it can mean one of three things:

1: It’s “that time of the month”

2: She hasn’t had sex in so long that she assumed she automatically wouldn’t be having any tonight

Or 3: She’s color-blind

On the flip side of the coin, if you get into bed with a girl whom you’ve been dating for a while and she’s mismatched, this can mean one of only two things:

1: She’s gotten too comfortable

Or 2:  She’s gotten lazy

I suggested this same theory to my girlfriend recently after noticing that she had begun resorting to a black bra/neon-pink knickers tandem. Commendably she fired back with a complaint of her own, calling me out on my hypocrisy due to the fact that my own underwear appears to be have been sewn together by a quadriplegic 8 year-old, and we both agreed that we would no longer mention our poor taste in undergarments for the sake of our relationship.

So does it matter, then? Do men care about what women wear under their clothes? In a word: No. If we’ve managed to get you to that stage of undress, then it’s likely we aren’t going to ruminate too long on your expensive panties. Now go ahead and buy us that PS3.

Check out what SHE SAID at CollegeCandy.com.

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The Pros And Cons Of Technology On Dating

Ah, social networking. What began as an online cave for basement-dwellers too afraid to form relationships with people IRL (that’s “in real life, ‘ for those less l33t-versed among you) has morphed into something that we can all appreciate/abuse. As technology has become more accessible, so too has the ins-and-outs of people’s personal lives, and the dating world has never been as straightforward and simple…or has it? Have the new, “easier” ways in which we communicate helped our relationships or have they made us all socially incompetent fish in the big, deep, dark sea? Unsurprisingly, a bit of both…

Pro: “Market Research”

Gone are the days when a blind date could lead you to spending an evening with Gary Busey in a wig. Now, all you need is a first name and a mutual friend and you can cut out any element of surprise a forthcoming date may have by Facebooking the girl in question. You can then scour through her photos/musical tastes to create a fairly accurate mental picture of what she’s going to be like in person.

An abundance of mirror photos and a love for the Black Eyed Peas? Attention-seeking and high-maintenance. Wavy hair, cigarette and Black Rebel Motorcycle Club? You’ll be heart-broken and crying like a schoolgirl by the second week. Cat wearing a comically over-sized hat as her profile picture? Lunatic of the highest order.

It could be said that social networking robs the blind dating process of any excitement or romance, which is true to an extent. Now that you can investigate your potential partner for the evening like a horny FBI Agent, the initial thrill of watching them walk towards you for the very first time will significantly diminish.

But let’s face it, blind dates are oftentimes devoid of romance anyway – they are the final, desperate tug of the perpetually single, and if you are attending one, then a few worrying details highlighted on her Facebook profile aren’t going to prevent you from trying to get laid. Not even that photo of her cat wearing a sombrero.

Con: There Will Always Be Evidence Of Last Night

The internet will be to 21st century culture what hieroglyphics were to ancient Egypt – an open window to the past, where future generations can vividly visualize what our life was like, and from it come to a reasonably accurate conclusion concerning our culture’s development.

However, whereas we’ve concluded ancient Egyptians mostly droned on about Pharaohs and some dude with the head of a dog, we people of the present will look like nothing but vacuous, narcissistic drunks in the eyes of future historians. You can go and untag yourself from incriminating photos all you like, but the evidence will ALWAYS be there.

No matter how much you want to distance yourself from that three-way make-out session with those two fat girls, you’ll have to live with the knowledge that the photographic evidence is now in the public domain, and therefore viewable by your friends, family and – crucially – that hot girl you’ve been seeing. Ouch.

As you prepare your excuses and strap on your charisma like a bullet-proof vest, you secretly know there’s no chance in hell you’ll be seeing her again. “Well, it’s not like we were serious or anything,” you concede – the final nail in the coffin.  From here on out you’re doomed to months of miserably clicking through her Facebook photos, whilst making a mental note of all the guys on her friends list that she’s probably sleeping with.

Pro: Your Cellphone Is Your Savior

Ever whipped out your Blackberry during a bad date and sent a completely unnecessary text to one of your boys, in an effort to maintain an aloof facade to cover the avalanche of awkwardness?

Of course you have. We all have. In fact, it’d be a safe bet to wager that at least 10% of the messages cluttering up your inbox at the moment are from friends and friends of friends, sitting opposite an attractive girl they have absolutely nothing in common with, desperately searching for a distraction.

But don’t feel guilty for leaving her to stare blankly at the back of your phone as you wax lyrical to your friends about the aforementioned awkwardness. You’re not making the situation any better, but you’ve come to the realization that neither of you will be getting any tonight, nor will you bear witness to her stoic expression ever again. Yet you’ll still pay for her meal and give the unpleasant waitress a larger-than-deserved tip.

Con: The Competition

Along with being a handy way of keeping in touch with friends/solemnly masturbating to acquaintances’ holiday photos, Facebook also allows you to keep an eye on the goings-on within your new girlfriend’s life outside of your fledgling relationship. To an observer, your continuous refreshing of her wall and scouring of the profiles of those who post upon it may seem like the traits of a jealous psychopath, but don’t worry – we don’t think that. We know you’re just “making sure,” right?

Unfortunately, there is a downside for those who routinely find themselves “making sure,” and that is the inevitability that one day they’ll find themselves opposed by a real kick in the nuts: a guy who might just be better for their girlfriend than they are. I mean, look at him. He’s got the dough-eyed, endearing expression of a loyal Labrador and his favorite movie is The Notebook. He’s goddamn perfect for her. You’re just standing in the way of true love. You’re that bad dude from romantic comedies who pretends to be a loyal husband and father, but then it turns out he’s secretly banging his secretary. You make me SICK.

As your girlfriend’s virtual conversations with this wonderful bastard gradually increase in length, it becomes clear this is a lot worse than them just boning in the toilets at work. They appear to actually like each other, and their not-so-subtle hints are out there for all to see thanks to good ol’ Facebook. You’ve been e-humiliated, my friend. The only known cure is bookmarking YouPorn and hiding in your bedroom for a week.

Pro: Ego-Stroking PDA

We love public displays of affection since they make a man feel like a rock star. Having your girlfriend hang from your neck like Sinatra’s bow tie while your buddies sulk moodily at the bar is akin to being a Beatle playing at Shea Stadium, faced with 55,000 screaming females willing to throw their panties in the air just for a sniff of your bowl cut.

Unfortunately, dry humping in the center of the mall can only go on for so long before you and your girl start to develop a bad rep; this is where good ol’ Facebook comes in handy. Amongst your regular status updates about what sandwich you’re eating and YouTube links to montages of fat people falling over, you can begin your two-person virtual parade of your relationship.

Start with a few simple photo comments. “You look gorgeous babe” to start with, before moving on to more risqué compliments that may or may not allude to your sex life. “I like that dress you’re wearing, looked better on my floor last nite tho ;)”. Yeah, that’s the sh*t. You’re the Lord Byron of the 140-character generation.

Next, you’ll want your declarations of love to be more pronounced. Start clogging up the news feed with status updates that remind everyone just how much of a great time you have together, preferably tagging her name in them so that all of her friends can see what a couple of cuties you are, too. “Me and Stacey just cleaned out her cat’s litter tray. I Love Her So Much xxx”. Note the Unnecessary Capital Letters, for what is love without irritating grammatical errors?

Finally, await her glowing responses and bask in the adulation. You’ve successfully managed to piss off Facebook’s entire single community, but hey – there’s a reason why those miserable, loveless swines were single in the first place, AMIRITE?

Con: Paranoia / Obsession

Many moons ago, the lack of cell phones meant that when you went out on a date, if the girl happened was a no-show, you simply returned home and convinced yourself there must’ve been a rudimentary mix-up, or that some sort of family emergency prohibited her from seeing you. These days, however, you can incessantly call her from outside the restaurant you were intending to meet at and send her increasingly desperate and regrettable text messages before heading home and learning from her tweets that she’s spent the evening re-watching Season 2 of Grey’s Anatomy.

“So why did she stand me up?” You log on to Facebook, click through her posts. Turns out your date for the evening simply “couldn’t be bothered,” she informs her “bestie” Rachel on her wall.  You’re shocked. You’re appalled. How could someone be so nonchalant? Never mind that the fat girl you met in the club last Friday has text you upwards of 20 twenty times this week, all of which have gone unanswered; how could she stand you up? Hasn’t she seen your photo album dedicated entirely to your ’97 Volkswagen Vento? Your buddy Carl said girls totally dig that vintage sh*t.

You’ve now taken the plunge into the rabbit hole, and getting out is near impossible. Soon you are prowling the profiles of your ex-girlfriend’s lovers, researching girls you think may kinda like you and investigating every nook and cranny that may contain even the briefest of references to you. You’re like a creepy, narcissistic private eye, tasked with investigating yourself and doing so with worrying enthusiasm.

Before you know it, it’s six in the morning. You’ve missed an essay deadline, forgotten to wash and you’re shaking from that six-pack of Red Bull you beasted. Time to begin construction on that tin foil hat; wouldn’t want Mark Zuckerberg controlling your mind again, would you?

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Who Will Buy A Stairway To Heaven in 2011? [DEATH WATCH POLL]

A morbid question, we know, but a relevant one nonetheless. Each year we are confronted by the demise of a few famous faces, from the shocking deaths of Patrick Swayze, Brittany Murphy and Michael Jackson in 2009 to the tragedy of Gary Coleman and Greg Giraldo in 2010. It’s inevitable, then, that 2011 will also see its fair share of star stiffs; here’s our rundown of who we think will bite the dust next year.

Charlie Sheen

After a lifetime spent abusing alcohol, drugs and women, and facing little to no consequences for doing so, 2011 could be the year that the Karma Police finally ‘cuff Sheen.

This dude has managed to juggle violent debauchery with the salary of a national treasure, and as his real life antics are portrayed onscreen as the doings of a lovable rogue, in reality he’s leading the lifestyle of that creepy Uncle you never see, throwing money at strippers and locking prostitutes in his bathroom.

In short; every sick thought you’ve ever had, Charlie Sheen has probably made it a reality. Us mere mortals can only dream of standing in court and defending our actions by stating ‘I didn’t pay for the hookers to stay, I paid for them to leave’, and then getting away with it scot-free. If Charlie Sheen was to die in 2011 (and let’s face it, his liver must be as yellow as the carpet of a retirement home) it’s almost certain that he would go out smiling, on top of yet another gorgeous blonde.

Miley Cyrus

South Park has already predicted the media will come for Miley after they’ve finished off Britney, but it appears Miss Spears is a lot more resilient to the pressure these days. This may spell bad news for Cyrus.

After the furore surrounding her use of Salvia, it appears that the tabloids have already began their targeting  of her. Never mind that Salvia is actually LEGAL and she is 18 YEARS OLD, entitling her to this sort of experimentation. What, were you all expecting her to wear plastic Mickey Mouse ears into her late 40′s?

This ‘drug controversy’ comes in a year where she has already had abuse thrown her way due to the hyper sexual nature of her music, her public cavorting with boys (picture above) and leaked nude photos.

We here at COED respect the gusto with which she is embracing this new, slightly slutty attitude, but we fear it’s only a matter of time before the tabloids are reporting breakdowns and baldness instead of boning and bongs.

Lindsay Lohan

From the wide-eyed aspiring party-girl to the tired-eyed undignified party-addict, Lohan is a clear-cut example of what the ol’ fame game can do to a young gal. By now you’re probably sick  of hearing about Lindsay’s exploits; her going in and out of rehab, skipping court dates whilst joyously flaunting her inability to wear panties of any kind.

It’s a crying shame, too, because she used to be kinda hot. Hot in the girl-next-door sense of the word, which in many ways is the best kind of hot. The hot that wouldn’t intimidate your girlfriend if you both went to see one of her movies together. Not that you watched Mean Girls or anything. Definitely not.

As could well be the case with all the champagne-swigging it girls drunkenly stumbling through this generations media circus, Lohan’s libidinous lifestyle will eventually spell disaster. Bad news for Lindsay, then, but good news for her Mother Dina, whose bereavement could mark the arrival of another profitable MTV reality series.

Keanu Reeves

Next to Strutting Leo, Sad Keanu was the most expertly devised meme of 2010. What began as a simple photo of The Matrix star staring forlornly into his half-eaten sandwich, quickly evolved into a June 15th campaign entitled the ‘Unofficial cheer-up Keanu Day’, wherein well-wishers sent cards and positive thoughts to Keanu in the hope that it would bring a smile to his usually stoic face.

Unfortunately, the alluded sadness pictured in the above press snap wasn’t the only basis for Keanu’s grief. The tragic death of both his girlfriend and unborn daughter in the late nineties/early noughties have brought a certain degree of emotional depth to the meme, and inadvertently ensured that this writer felt very awkward when deciding to include the star in this merry little list.

Don’t do it, Keanu! You have so much left to give! You were Neo! You were Ted for God’s sake!

Anyone from the Spiderman musical

When news came that Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark would be the most expensive Broadway musical ever made ($65 million?!) a lot of people drooled over the prospect of its demise; we humans are a merciless species, and we love the idea of a financially bloated project falling flat on its greedy little face.

And fall on its face it did – but not in the way you may have expected.

Since its opening the production has consistently struggled to ensure the safety of its cast, with four injuries already reported, including Christopher Tierney (Spiderman) plummeting 30 feet into the Orchestra pit after a safety harness snapped unexpectedly.

As with any big budget production (SIXTY-FIVE MILLION?!) it is without doubt that its execs will proclaim that the ‘show must go on’, before shuffling a terrified Green Goblin centre-stage, the sound of his sobs drowned out only by the bloodthirsty heckles of the audience.

The ‘curse’, as it is now known, of the Spiderman musical is likely to put more asses in seats than any amount of promotional work, with the public’s aforementioned love of expensive failures second only to their love of filming tragic accidents with their iPhone’s.

What do you think? Who will perish in the coming year? Vote now in our poll or leave your predictions in the comments field…

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5 Things 2010 Taught Us About Women

Each year we men find ourselves another step closer to enlightenment; the complete understanding of the female species. Unfortunately, just as we feel as though we’ve made huge advancements towards the aforementioned enlightenment, they go and pull the rug from under our feet, leaving us just as clueless as ever. Here are 5 things we learned about them this year. 2011 is looking pretty bleak…

Chivalry is a forgotten art

Professional Jersey Shore ‘guido’ Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino has become inexplicably famous for two things; his gloriously redundant nickname ‘The Situation’, and his tremendously swollen ego.

Despite looking like Popeye let loose on a spinach farm, ‘Sitch’, as he is known to his perma-tanned friends, appears to be immensely popular with the opposite sex despite treating them with all the respect of a worn out old boot.

Season 2 highlights include him forcing an apprehensive young girl to sleep on the couch after she refused to have sex with him, and slapping everybody’s favourite mahogany faced dwarf Snooki in the mouth when bitch wouldn’t do as she was told.

Fortunately, a six-pack and a multi-million dollar contract will let you get away with just about anything these days, and The Situation was last seen lending his ‘unique’ talents to Dancing with the Stars and still cavorting with beautiful women.

Individuality is only achieved by way of a meat hat

When GaGa took to the stage at the MTV VMA awards, it was admittedly difficult to not laugh a little. For almost 2 years now the Western World has heralded GaGa as something of a visionary, her unique clothing choices in no small way contributing to this viewpoint.

Those of us with a bit more perspective, however, understand that GaGa’s eccentric wardrobe is nothing more than a smart publicity stunt, masked as ‘art’ to lend an element of sophistication to songs with lyrics such as “bluffin’ with my muffin”.

So as GaGa stood before a crowd of assorted celebrities and fans, wearing a dress, hat and purse made entirely out of real meat, you could have been forgiven for thinking that she had finally jumped the shark.

To make matters even more ludicrous, she published a statement explaining the ‘philosophical’ element of the cow flavored gown, claiming that she was the “most judgemental free human being on the Earth” and that the dress should show us that if we “don’t stand up for our rights pretty soon we’re going to have as much rights as the meat on our bones”. Uh… what?

Needless to say, GaGa’s popularity didn’t wane and has continued to grow stronger and stronger, leaving a generation of women (and gay guys; don’t forget the gay guys) to be astounded by these ‘brave’ fashion decisions, whilst the majority of us straight fellas continue to look on with a mixture of confusion and fear.

Don’t be afraid to be one-dimensional

Jacob Black, the werewolf of the Twilight Saga’s love triangle, loves Bella. He loves her despite the fact that she is as vacant as a fart-filled elevator.

On top of this, he is a dark skinned, good looking young man with muscles presumably carved out of stone, and he also possesses a little thing called a personality.

Unfortunately for him, Bright Falls is also home to another family of mythical creatures – vampires. As we all know, vampires are sexy by default, and Bella is immediately taken by the pasty teen with the alarmingly stoic face, Edward.

It’s bad news for Jacob, then, as his kind-hearted, sympathetic and loving gestures pale in comparison to Edward’s… hair. He’s got good hair. And he can stare whilst pouting.

Suddenly, teenage boys across the globe witnessed their girlfriends/crushes fall victim to Edward’s ‘charm’, instilling the belief in our younger generation that you needn’t be a warm, caring person to get the girl. Simply cover yourself in glitter and look miserable.

Boobs and puppets don’t mix

Kevin Clash is one lucky son-of-a-bitch. Having spent the best part of 30 years with his hand up the ass of a puppet, you might be inclined to argue otherwise, but when that puppet is Elmo, well… Kevin Clash is one lucky son-of-a-bitch.

Having occupied the same room as Beyonce and Natalie Portman, along with a myriad of other famous faces, Kevin Clash has made a living out of being the world’s most famous furry red monsters puppeteer, with Elmo being one of the most famous and beloved children’s TV icons in history.

However, controversy struck in September, when pop starlet Katy Perry shot a segment for the show that was promptly unveiled to the Internet ahead of its scheduled New Years Eve airing.

Parents (Jealous Mothers) were up in arms over the skit, which involved Perry singing a kids-friendly rendition of ‘Hot n Cold’ whilst wearing a ‘low-cut’ green dress.

The dress did, in fact, cover Perry up to her neck – the light-coloured mesh of the dress simply giving it the appearance of being low-cut.

Even so, the fun was cut short, and the clips release was cancelled.

Amidst the controversy, Perry appeared on Saturday Night Live, sporting a REAL low-cut top with Elmo’s face stretched across her cleavage, spurring the creation of  The Best .gif In The World Ever.

Remember kids, C is for C-Cup!

Curvy women are back

The size zero trend of recent years has caused women with fuller figures to feel insecure, swapping carbs for side salads in an effort to not appear ‘fat’, in the sense that the typical rake-thin catwalk model is ‘normal’.

We men, on the other hand, appreciate womanly curves, and would prefer a girl who didn’t have their rib cage protruding from their torso.

Thankfully, 2010 was the year where curves were praised rather than made fun of, with women such as Mad Men star Christina Hendricks (pictured) receiving high praise for her voluptuous body from both sexes.

It is good to see ‘real’ women being recognized by other women again; us guys caught on a long time ago.

After all, when was the last time you saw two frat boys bump fists before exclaiming “Dude, this chick I banged last night was so hot. She had tits like a pre-pubescent 12 year old and I could see all the bones in her ass”?

What other lessons did women teach us in 2010? Let us know in the comments section!

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Reality TV Stars That Could Make It In The WWE

Former MTV Real World star Mike ‘The Miz’ Mizanin recently surprised fans by cashing in his Money In The Bank contract and snagging the WWE Championship from Randy Orton in the process. The Miz’s journey has been a long one and, to be honest, almost no one took him seriously when he’d parade the Real World house with his fake championship belt. He’s like the Kurt Warner of the WWE. Actually, he’s one of a kind. No other reality TV star has achieved such a feat. It made us wonder, are there ANY other reality TV stars that could make it in the squared circle? Here are our nominees.

Heidi & Spencer Pratt

The Most Annoying Couple In The History Of Anything Ever. Unfortunately, being excruciatingly irritating somehow makes you rich and famous in the 21st Century, making The Hills alumni ‘Speidi’ something of a phenomenon.

Heidi and Spencer could easily fit into the WWE roster, what with domestic abuse,  dudes with gigantic heads and blondes with fake boobies all being recurring themes throughout the programmes history. In fact, just about the only thing holding Speidi back from making a quick buck out of McMahon & Co. is that neither of them know how to wrestle.

Then again, it’s not like Vince has ever had an issue with that.

Jenni “JWoww” Farley

It’s not that JWoww is unattractive… it’s just that she isn’t a very convincing woman.

Becoming aroused by images of her photoshoots (of which there are many) has a feeling similar to the time you accidentally bought that pre-op transsexual a mojito. Upon finding out about his/her little secret you may have questioned your sexuality for a few moments, but GOD-DAM; that dude was PRETTY.

The fiery Jersey Shore girls fightin’ antics clearly haven’t been ignored, as illustrated by her appearance on TNA.

Gordon Ramsay

With his acid tongue, array of sharp utensils and a face that looks like it has been on the receiving end of one too many broken beer bottles, Gordon Ramsay could be the next ECW superstar.

He could be.

Unfortunately, he spends all of his time in the kitchen, bitching and moaning when things aren’t done his way *insert incredibly sexist joke here*.

We’d love to see Ramsay go toe-to-toe with Sabu in a ‘Winner Gets a Facial’ match.

Kim Kardashian

Keeping Up With The Kardashians starlet Kim is known for three things. The first thing is her ass… take a stab at what the other two are.

Although her in-ring action would be limited (bruising anywhere on this peach’s body would be the 21st century equivalent of desecrating the Sistine Chapel), by issuing sister Khloe as her ringside manager she needn’t worry about doing any of the dirty work herself anyway.

KHLOE PROTECT KIM! KHLOE SMASH!

Simon Cowell

Since reinvigorating the talent contest with his acerbic put-downs and sarcastic wit, Cowell has become an unlikely icon that is as warmly adored as he is relentlessly loathed.

His ability to divide opinions whilst making immense profit is incredibly similar to a certain other executive… that’s right, the WWE’s very own Vincent Kennedy McMahon.

Another Battle of the Billionaire’s, this time featuring the American Idol co-creator instead of silly-haired gasbag Donald Trump, would be the most bizarrely entertaining storyline in WWE since Mae Young gave birth to a hand.

Audrina Patridge

Of all The Hills girls, many a man will argue that Audrina is the girl who made their beau’s love of the show almost bearable.

As your girlfriend worried herself with the intricacies of Lauren and Brody’s relationship, you could sit back and watch Audrina bathe by the pool.

She’d have a beer, let one rip and then go and get her hair did; the all-American woman. Exactly the kind of girl that the average booze-swilling wrestling fan is into, making her the perfect candidate for a good ol’ fashioned Bra ‘n’ Panties match.

HAVE WE LEFT ANY OFF THE LIST?
LET US KNOW IN THE COMMENTS!

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