How To Rain On Her Parade

Want to generally bother your girlfriend, wife, or friend with benefits? We’ve got just the gameplan for ya. Face it, sometimes we men need to take our better halves down a peg. Bring ‘em back down to Earth. Let ‘em know who wears the Dockers in the relationship (they look great on you btw!). Judging by her reaction, you could either A) have a potential wifey on your hands or B) stand to have the most incredible make up sex EVER! Break out the umbrellas, ‘cuz we’re rainin’ buckets over h’yah!

Pranks

Butter the kitchen floor. When she comes home from work, pop out of the closet wearing a hockey mask.  Move all of her stuff into the trunk of her car then move the car and say it was stolen. These pranks are more about mind games, and women are the masters of that. Flip the script on ‘em, see how they like it. It’s guaranteed to get a bunch of laughs for you and her… if she’s cool about it. If not, well then, at least you had fun, right?

Barrage Her With Questions

“Hey….hey honey. Hey what’re you doin? What page are you on? How’s that new short story comin’?” Most girls don’t like being bothered with stupid questions and asinine comments. If you keep at it eventually she’ll blow her top, and you get to laugh. She may come at you with a Ginzu knife so make sure to have veggies handy – you can score an easy salad out of it.

Be Misogynistic

HER: “You should’ve seen me parallel park!”
YOU: “God, you’re hilarious. Women can’t drive! Seriously, how are you allowed behind a wheel?”

HER: “I scored so many points today in our rec league basketball game!”
YOU: “Did you dunk? No? Oh, right. Women can’t dunk…or play sports.”

HER: “I’m so proud of Tiffany. She’s such a strong woman.”
YOU: “Can she bench 225? Prob not with those mosquito bites she has for boobs.”

HER: “Uh, your friend made Stacy pay for their dinner date last night.”
YOU: “Come on, she should be able to afford it with all that whoring she does.”

Completely Ignore/Forget Her Birthday And/Or Your Anniversary

Chicks in their 20s LOVE birthdays. They literally celebrate that sh*t for weeks. Don’t get her a card. Don’t even pay attention to the planning or to her subtle hints. In fact, comment on all the OTHER birthdays happening.

As for anniversaries, make sure you set up a major, big-time event on the exact date and straight up ghost town her. What’s ghost towning? That’s when you are NOWHERE to be found. Shut off your cell, don’t update Facebook or Twitter, and try not to go anywhere near your apartment. Dodge mutual friends and any family. Pick up some riot gear for your encounter the following day.

Act Casual/Disinterested When She Looks Absolutely Stunning

It’s a huge, epic formal affair. A prom, a gala event, a wedding, a red carpet premiere, you name it. She is dressed to the nines. She looks like a nine, maybe better. She’s spent dolla dolla bills, y’all on makeup, jewelry, accessories, a dress. She’s been getting ready for HOURS. Mani/pedi, massage, hair styling. She walks out and your jaw instantly wants to hit the floor. Resist! Hit ‘er up with one of these gems:

YOU: Finally! I thought you were raising the dead in there.

YOU: You’re wearing that?

YOU: Is Xzibit in there?

YOU: (just roll your eyes, sigh, shake your head and place it in your hands)

Immediately Change The Subject When She Makes A Big Announcement

HER: “We’re gonna have a baby!”
YOU: “What’s for dinner?”

HER: “I finally got that promotion!”
YOU: “Have you seen my bootleg DVD copy of Grown Ups?”

HER: “My sister just got engaged!”
YOU: “Did you DVR The Event for me?”

HER: “The tests came back negative!”
YOU: “Do you think JWoww is really a dude?”

Sh*t On Her Friends

HER: “Aren’t Tim and Amanda so cute?”
YOU: “She has a gigantic forehead and I’m pretty sure he has AIDS.”

HER: “Julie is absolutely gorgeous, I can’t believe she’s single.”
YOU: “I can. She smells like year old tuna covered in dog vomit.”

HER: “Becky’s so thoughtful. She’s always there for me.”
YOU: “And she gives great head.”

Check out these related articles:
How To Engage in Foreplay
How To Take Your Sexting To The Next Level
How To Date a College Cheerleader
How To Cheat Without Getting Caught
How To Be The Best Wingman Ever

6 Places You Don’t Want to Get Caught Fapping

There are a ton of places you can masturbate privately and safely. Yet, there are some folks (*cough* George Michael *cough* Paul Reubens*) who just can’t keep it in their pants. Recently, ESPN producer Neil Goldberg was caught masturbating on a stool outside his neighbor’s window while she got dressed. While we admire Neil’s gusto, we suggest taking the easy route and taping her for viewing enjoyment later. No harm. No foul. Right, Erin Andrews?  Here are the six WORST places to get caught pullin’ the pud…

At School

If you’re still in high school it may be prudent to NOT masturbate in your 3rd period Math class. What if you have to get in front of the class and solve a problem on the board? Everyone gets to see how excited you were for class today. As for college, make sure your roommate isn’t coming back any time soon. How embarrassing would that be?

At Your Job

Besides being automatically terminated for a slew of state and probably federal offenses, indecently exposing yourself to your employees may get you some unwanted attention both good and bad. Take it to the employee stall, and try to keep it quick. Your manager may start wondering where you went. Make sure you wash your hands when you’re done too; it’s employee policy. If your co-worker asks you why you’re sweating, tell them you were looking forward to working hard!

At a Funeral

The only funeral where it would be okay or even encouraged to masturbate would most likely be at your virginity’s or communism’s. Take a look at this viking funeral. If we take that into consideration, masturbating seems tame compared to that.

In Public Places

Everyone has seem some crazy shi*t when they go out and about; couples arguing in the food court, security guards chasing down thieves.  But some lonely man sitting in the corner booth at Denny’s crankin’ one out? Hopefully not. If this applies to you, seek help, or at least go to White Castle.

At The Movie Theater

Look what happened to Pee Wee Herman. To his credit, he was in an adult movie theater. We know Inception was intense and awesome, but not fire-off-a-couple-knuckle-children awesome. If you do get that feeling though, wait until the action scenes. With all the excitement on screen, you could pull it off. Especially now that everything’s in 3D. They’ll just think it’s debris from an explosion. A ROMANTIC EXPLOSION!

In Your Friend’s Room

Just because you’re friends doesn’t mean you can beat off in his bedroom. That’s like wearing his boxers, shaving with his razor, or using his toothbrush. That’s some serious Single White Female type sh*t right there.

Where would you not want to get caught masturbating? Suggest some in the comments.

Cuponk = Lame

If you’re between the ages of 17 and “not dead”, chances are you’ve played beer pong. Two teams, 2 players to a team. Each team stands on opposite ends of the table. Each team gets 2 shots, with each player required to shoot. Object of the game is to get ball in opposing team’s cup. When that happens, other team drinks what’s in the cup. I can’t emphasize that enough. THE OTHER TEAM MUST DRINK WHAT’S IN THE CUP.  However, a new sensation is sweeping the younger side of the nation in the form of “Cuponk“. Forget videogames, let’s throw a ball into a cup! Without beer in it! IT MAKES SOUNDS!

You know you could have done all of that without spending 15 bucks, right?
If these little rascals are so eager to play some pong, why don’t they do what the grown ups do? Go to Rite Aid, buy some balls and solo cups, and play? No, Hasbro thought they could (and probably will) sucker thousands of kids into thinking they’re hip and happenin’ if they purchase this package. I forgot to mention, the cup lights up. So, in case you don’t trust your eyes just saw the ball go into the cup, you get to shriek like a little girl when it lights up.

You’re still thinking about getting one? Just watch the video below:

Bam Margera directed a commercial for Cuponk. Let’s use some Logic and syllogisms for this equation here:

Bam Margera is extreme.

Bam Margera directed a commercial for Cuponk.

___________________________________________

Cuponk is extreme.

No it’s not. It’s lame as sh*t. Cuponk is the equivalent to non-alcoholic beer. Why would you waste money on it?

Comments? Is Cuponk just another useless novelty item? Should kids just settle for the real thing?

5 Signs Your Next Door Neighbor’s Growing Weed

In this neck of the woods “grow houses” are few and far between. You always see the highly publicized drugs busts with all the bud on the table, and the cops exaggerating how they had to detain “unruly” drug dealers… They probably just laughed because one of them farted and the cop didn’t think it was funny. But what are some signs that your next door neighbor is doing a little more than pruning the hedges?

THERE’S A SPIKE IN YOUR ELECTRIC BILL

Either you left your Xbox on for an unreasonable amount of time, or someone’s stealing your electricity. Some growers may do this to keep the heat off of their electric bill, but if you follow those BRIGHT ORANGE extension cords, they’re bound to lead somewhere. If that somewhere is a garage with sophisticated lighting and air flow systems used to closely mimic Mother Nature, don’t call the cops. Just ask them to get their energy from somewhere else. Or pay your bill.

THERE’S AN OBVIOUS PUNGENT ODOR

This one seems pretty um, easy. If there’s the constant odor of high-grade marijuana emanating from the house you live next to, chances are they aren’t just smoking it.  No more of an explanation for this. If the house literally smells like marijuana, there’s a bunch in there. Once again, don’t call the cops. Befriend them.

THEY BUY A LOT OF…SUPPLIES.

Fertilizer? Soil? Nutrients? What can they possibly be growing in their house that requires so much attention and high quality materials? Surely it isn’t potent marijuana! They must be experimenting with different types of soil… Experimenting is right. They’re cloning hybrids and changing light cycles and you don’t even know about it.

THEY GET BUSTED BY THE COPS

The best grow operations are the ones you don’t know about until they get raided. You’re sitting on your couch watching television when all of a sudden you hear glass breaking, screeching tires and a bunch of yelling. You peek out of your window after blue and red lights flash throughout your living room to see cops carrying bags of plants, and a news reporter just outside the “do not cross” line. Resume watching television, you knew nothing.

THEY ACT LIKE NORMAL NEIGHBORS

Like mentioned above, the best operations are the ones you don’t know about, even the cops. These guys keep their profile so low you just assumed the guy was an Engineer and his wife was a Forensic Investigator.  You have lengthy conversations with them and they even invite you over to dinner. Nothing seems out of the ordinary with them, and that’s exactly what they need you to think.

What are some of your signs that your neighbors may be running a grow op?

5 Reasons For And Against The Legalization Of Marijuana

Most of us use marijuana on a consistent basis and nothing would please us more than legalization. That and two chicks at the same time, right, Peter? But while legalization sounds like a grand plan, is it really worth the trouble? Five reasons for and against  ensue. Need not apply to our California visitors, California is the Marijuana Mecca, even if Prop. 19 doesn’t pass (which we hope it does).

5 REASONS FOR:

1.) WHY THE HELL NOT?!

If I could count how many people I know who smoke marijuana on my fingers and toes I’d have to kill several hookers to get some extra digits.  In all seriousness, everyone who smokes marijuana from lawyers and students to nurses and paramedics, can easily fall in love with the idea of that sticky Kush being as readily available as the cereal you eat when you’re baked. No more ducking and dodging the boys either, who doesn’t like to get blazed out in the open? We didn’t even go over the obvious medical benefits, which include helping cancer and AIDS patients as well as PTSD sufferers and anorexic teenage gi- we mean people with eating disorders.

2.) It STIMULATES THE ECONOMY

This point for legalization has been passed around but many dismiss it as a “quick fix”. Marijuana will never go out of style. Bongs, joints, vaporizers, and a slew of other smoking devices will always put the fun in smoking. Besides that, it’s a renewable resource. Instead of giving bailouts to rich folks and cutting programs for the ones who actually need it, marijuana transcends economic and social class. Everyone likes to get high.

3.) COULD END THE WAR ON DRUGS

Sorry Tricky Dick, the only people fooled by this farce are the same folks who think marijuana should be a Schedule I narcotic, which is the same category as HEROIN and PCP. It may be an oversight but we think marijuana may be just a little less addictive and destructive than those nightmares. Billions of taxpayer dollars have been spent throwing non-violent offenders in jail and wasting resources prosecuting said offenders. Look at Portugal. Why are these stats being ignored?

4.) IT CREATES NEW ENTRY LEVEL JOBS

Someone’s got to watch the grass grow. Another hazy area in the legalization process, would legalization really create more jobs? Sure someone needs to cultivate it, maintain its upkeep and health, factor in the extra help needed during harvesting season… Guess it would create more jobs. Shipped across countries you say? You need truck drivers for that, and pilots for planes to transport it internationally. If every state had a hundred or so dispensaries, that’d have to be a couple thousand jobs.

5.) IT’LL GIVE THE BOYS IN BLUE A REST

If there’s one demographic that would be positively affected by legalization, it’d be law enforcement. Instead of chasing down some stoned high school kid for a dime bag, he may be able to catch all the rapists and murderers that run around. Something tells me their brains are under the influence of something much stronger than THC. There are cops that smoke marijuana too, so it would make their life a lot easier as well. Maybe not on their physical evaluations but then again if we’re all blazed committing crimes is just…too much work, man.

5 REASONS AGAINST

1.) WORK RELATED ACCIDENTS

Sure, there’s going to be laws in place that would prohibit employees from smoking on the job, but how many times have you lit up an hour or so before work just to get that comedown buzz as you roll into work? Millions of workers take a drink before or at work, so it wouldn’t be an overstatement to say that if marijuana were legalized, the irresponsible folks would mess up somewhere along the road. The few would ruin it for the masses, and thus we are back where we started.

2.) THE INTERVENTION OF BIG BROTHER

If it makes money, the government will have their hand in it, whether we like it or not. Marijuana itself is an entire culture and lifestyle, and to have it ruined or controlled by the government is a sad state of affairs. From big tobacco companies growing their chemically enhanced marijuana to other companies using machines and robots to cure and harvest their product, government intervention takes out what seems to matter most in marijuana cultivation; love and a human touch.

3.) ALL THE POLITICAL RED TAPE

In a perfect world everyone would use marijuana responsibly and the government would stick their big fat nose somewhere else, but that’s a pipedream (pun most definitely intended). Many lobbyists and politicians would love to find/create loopholes that would help them and most likely end up hurting us. Politics has a far reach, and virtually nothing is  safe from it. With laws and amendments and even filibustering, it can get a little intense.

4.) CRIME

courtesy of cbs8.com

Marijuana makes you lazy but we can’t shake the feeling that some jerk off would have the keen idea to knock over a dispensary for their stock. As mentioned above in a perfect world, this wouldn’t happen. Marijuana would be plentiful and everyone would be able to light joints and enjoy themselves. Besides more marijuana-related crime would only get bad press, which would once again land us back where we started

5.) BAD BUSINESS

Money is money. Whatever makes a lot of money a lot of people want a lot to do with it. Would legalization just make marijuana another commodity to be bought and sold like t-shirts and shoes? Would the Wal-Marts and Targets of the world rule the business end of the joint with an iron fist, treating their employees like shit and offering sub par products? We still buy marijuana today, but don’t you feel slightly better knowing that your bud wasn’t grown by a 9 year old kid in a sweatshop in Nicaragua or Indonesia? Plus, there are no creepy greeters when you go meet your dealer, unless your dealer is creepy.

Millions of other points for and against the legalization of marijuana can be thrown around all day. Decriminalization seems like a smarter step, but we aren’t political analysts. Let us know your thoughts!

Check out these related articles:

Pot Culture Poll – Regulate or Incarcerate?

5 Reasons Pot Will Be Legalized before Gay Marriage

Legal Marijuana Coming To California?

South Carolina Sheriffs Want To Legalize Marijuana

Legalize It, Time To Recognize It

7 Hip Hop Albums You Haven’t Listened To Yet

Hip Hop, it’s some of the best music on Earth. Not to be confused with rap, which dominates the airwaves and is rife with bad lyrics, dance instructions and outrageously lavish music videos (where most high priced items are rented and the money’s fake). If you’re like me, Hip Hop has a special place in your heart. Here are seven albums that truly define how Hip Hop should sound. If you HAVE heard these albums, spread the love. Run and tell that!

ARTIST: Dr. Octagon (a.k.a. Kool Keith)

ALBUM: Dr. Octagonecologyst

As the name implies, Dr. Octagon is a gynecologist. As the name doesn’t imply, he frequently has his patients die, has sex with them or mixes Raid and grape soda and gives it to civilians. With such gems as “Gerbils for rectums, I’ll break you off like Richard Gere” and “I’ll burn your anus with the purple light” (both in the same song), this album has lyrics so obscure you’d think your stereo was tripping on acid. With production from Dan the Automator (who also worked on Deltron 3030 if you’re a hip hop nerd like I am) it’s worth the buy. It’s also worth the download, but you can shell out those extra bucks for a great album.

ARTIST: Digable Planets

ALBUM: Reachin’ (A New Refutation of Time and Space)

If you like Hip Hop, good. If you like Jazz, great. If you like Hip Hop albums that sample great jazz songs such as “Summer Madness” and “Watermelon Man” then give this album a listen. Digable Planets only released two albums but their first, this one, is a great example of what Hip Hop is all about. It features smooth jazz samples coupled with socially conscious lyrics touching on topics such as abortion and freedom of expression; a good album if you’re getting your feet wet with hip hop or if you’re a cool laid back jazz cat and a great album everyone can get down to, from old heads to college kids.

ARTIST: Quasimoto

ALBUM: The Unseen

Madlib is one of hip hop’s most elusive and prolific producer. Operating under numerous pseudonyms and rarely ever making television appearances , Madlib’s constantly working. But this isn’t about Madlib, this is about Quasimoto, the Bad Character. Supposedly Mr. Lib made this album on a mushrooms binge, and if you check out the album it seems pretty plausible.  Quasimoto uses some crazy and odd samples in this album but it just adds to the greatness of it. This one may not be for everyone, but it’s definitely worth checking out if you want to hear all branches of hip hop. It’s in the vein of “Dr. Octagonocolegyst”, perhaps with less lyrics about rectums.

ARTIST: Strong Arm Steady

ALBUM: In Search of Stoney Jackson

More Madlib production. He produced this entire album, but does not feature on any tracks. With lyrical content ranging from cannabis to dating vegetarian women and the recession, In Search of Stoney Jackson is another album that is accessible to most young adults of today. The production is also worth mentioning as well; no two instrumentals sound remotely alike. Madlib does it again with the eccentric samples, but it seems to work out perfectly. With several guest appearances on the album from L.A.’s underground talent, this is great insight to what west coast hip hop is all about.

ARTIST: Outkast

ALBUM: Aquemini

The most mainstream group on this list, Outkast is far from it. Their third album “Aquemini” is drenched in funky synthesizers and guest features, including Raekwon from the legendary Wu Tang Clan.  The subject matter ranges widely on the album, from relationships and the South getting no respect in the music industry, to wondering if technology is evolving faster than we can control. Incredibly socially conscious for the time it was released, it’d do you good to listen to one of the best albums Hip Hop has to offer.

ARTIST: People Under the Stairs

ALBUM: Question in the Form of an Answer

People Under the Stairs is one of the most consistent underground Hip Hop groups out.  Question in the Form of an Answer was produced by a west coast group and the vibe it gives off shows well. Very easy to listen to, Thes One and Double K don’t mask their love for women, emceeing, and all things green.  You won’t hear any bling bling rhymes on this album; they’re so modest it’s almost a crime. Plus, on one of their tracks they sample Goldeneye 007 for the Nintendo 64. The name’s Stairs… People Under The Stairs.

ARTIST: Guru

ALBUM: Jazzmatazz Vol. 1

R.I.P. Guru, one of the best to ever do it. One half of the widely respected and nearly god status rap duo “Gangstarr”, Guru ventured into solo territory with his Jazzmatazz series.  This being the last album on the list, it’s hard to write something that hasn’t been written before. Jazzy samples, laid back rhymes about women and smoking and rhymes reminiscent of inner city train rides, Jazzmatazz Vol. 1 is another album without age limits.  Guru’s monotonous drone won’t put you to rest but rather it’ll have you listening intently to his lyrics, which always have a message in them.

***BONUS ALBUM***

ARTIST: De La Soul

ALBUM: De La Soul is Dead

De La Soul‘s second album is all over the place when it comes to lyrical content. In a time when New York hip hop was dominated by hard violent emcees, De La was able to release an album that was a different shade of black. Criticized for being “hippies” and “soft” because of their debut, De La answered the best way they could – with rhymes about crackhead siblings and girls at Burger King to Santa Claus gettin’ shot by his sexually abused daughter. These three emcees from Long Island give their interpretation of the world they live in, some may be fictional, but the emotion’s from the heart.

Hip Hop has a giant following but some will agree that some artists lost their way under the influence of big record label contracts and the limelight. These albums will bring your Hip Hop sensibilities back to Earth and encourage you to dig for more gems.