Weekly DVD Drop: Chris Rock – Kill the Messenger

Best of the Week: Chris Rock – Kill the Messenger
Chris Rock never exactly fell off, but he did just have a seriously unremarkable bunch of years. The two films he directed and starred in, Head of State and I Think I Love My Wife, both sucked, and his last stand-up special, Never Scared, was decent at best — not what you come to expect from one of the greatest comics alive. Fortunately, those days are far behind us. Kill the Messenger, which aired on HBO back in September, is quite possibly the best stand-up Rock has ever done. Considering how long he’s been in the game and how hilarious his old material is, that’s really saying something. Chris brings it hard in this one, tackling everything from the usefulness of the word ‘f*ggot’ to when its okay for white people to say ‘n*gger’ to Sarah Palin. It’s Rock at his finest — not to be missed! Read more

13 Reasons to be Excited About Sundance 2009

Once a year, everyone in Hollywood trades in their fancy sunglasses and Ugg boots for parkas, gloves and, well, Ugg boots, and heads to Park City, Utah, to attend the Sundance Film Festival. The festival, which kicks off this Thursday, has been one the most prominent launching pads for independent cinema over the past two decades. It functions as both a barometer for what the lineup at every arty movie house in America will look like in the coming year, and also one of the most important see-and-be-seen annual industry schmooze fests. Previous winners and competitors include Clerks, American Splendor, El Mariachi, Hustle & Flow, Juno, Napopleon Dynamite, Saw, Little Miss Sunshine, Garden State… the list goes on an on. Read more

The 5 Worst Things About Deflowering a Virgin

“Virgins. I love ‘em. No diseases, no loose as a goose V-jay, no skank. No nothin. Just pure pleasure.”

Thus begins Larry Clark’s 1995 film Kids, in which the main character, Telly, is a cherry popping fiend. From this movie to the Virgin Mary to (most recently) Natalie Dylan, virgins have been endlessly idolized throughout history, not only as symbols of purity and innocence, but as things that are also awesome to put your d*ck in. And for some of the reasons outlined by Telly, this idolization makes a bit of sense. Sure, they don’t have diseases, and yeah, their vaginas are tight. But the ‘pleasure’ aspect of that laundry list? Hardly! F*cking virgins is way more headache than its worth and than it has EVER been made out to be. Here are the five worst things about deflowering a virgin. Read more

Weekly DVD Drop: My Best Friend’s Girl (We’ll Explain)

Best of the Week: My Best Friend’s Girl

Yes, really. Our pick of the week is a movie that stars Dane ‘The Worst Comedian of All Time‘ Cook and Kate ‘No Boobs’ Hudson. Why? Well, it’s an extremely sh*tty week for DVD releases. This isn’t an awesome movie by any stretch of the imagination. It does, however, have its moments.

The script is surprisingly well written, which results in Dane actually being funny a hand full of times, and Kate coming across as slightly above tolerable.

Dane plays an asshole for hire who nice guys pay to take out their ex-girlfriends and be a dick to them so the girls will realize how special the guys were and take them back. He meets his match in Kate, who just happens to be on a ‘get laid by a random asshole’ mission when Dane is hired by his best friend (Jason Biggs) to be an asshole to her.

So then, whatever. Dane and Kate start getting it on, stuff happens, you find out Kate kind of has a great ass, Alec Baldwin shows up, and there’s some nudity every now and then to keep things moving.

Worst of the Week: Appaloosa

Ed Harris directs the second film of his career at the age of 58, and it’s a western, and it’s horrible. What else? Well, it’s also meandering, boring, pointless, lame, awful and unoriginal. Harris and co-star Viggo Mortensen are men of the law who come to clean up some western town with a dumb name which has been overrun by bandits. Sound like the plot of every western ever made, including Blazing Saddles? That’s because… it is!

But you know what makes every one of those westerns a million times better than this piece of crap? None of them feature Renée Zellweger. Renée, who is the most annoying leading lady in Hollywood to begin with, and literally is the ugly stick with which other women are sometimes beaten, shows up looking like her entire face was injected with ten pounds of collagen and then attacked by a swarm of bees and mosquitoes for a week. She doesn’t ruin the movie, because it already sucks anyways, but if it were a good movie it would have been ruined by her.

Leftovers:

“Little Britain USA“
Technically this is our pick of the week, but it’s British – so it’s disqualified! A six part HBO comedy series, it’s basically just two British ‘chaps’ dressing up in funny disguises and doing sketch comedy that makes fun of Americans. Often pretty hilarious, and when it isn’t, no big deal. The sketch is over in a few minutes and a newer, more funny one is on. Recommend!

Swing Vote
Back in the summer of 2008 when there was an exciting election going on, some people might have felt like watching a stupid heartwarming ‘what if’ scenario about every vote counting and Kevin Costner being an average guy who becomes really important. But now that the election is over and we live in a post “Joe the Plumber” world, that scenario blows.

Tyler Perry’s The Family That Preys/Marriage Counselor
A good way to lose all of your friends and also guarantee you’ll never get laid is to pretend that you’re really in to Tyler Perry movies, and always talk about how he’s a genius, and force anyone who comes over to your house to watch one of his movies with the surround sound blasting. You’ll be the loneliest person on the planet in a month, tops.

Music Bloggers’ Best of 2008

As long as people continue to make music, other people will make year end lists chronicling it. Artist of the year? Song of the year? Album of the year? Depending on how much you care about these things, there are literally dozens of different places for you to find out who and what, in very esteemed professionals’ opinions, have taken these top honors (Spin, Rolling Stone and Pitchfork being the most notable).

But have you ever wondered what other people who care lots about music but don’t necessarily make their livings criticizing it think the best music of the year is? Hype Machine, the indispensable music blog aggregation portal, is sure hoping that you have, and they’ve decided to make yet another list of the top 50 artists, songs and albums of 2008. This list, which they’re calling Blog Music Zeitgeist, is compiled by the people, for the people. Instead of lame old professional music critics calling the shots, they’ve reached out to some of the coolest, most prominent music bloggers on the net and asked them to capture the defining musical spirit of ’08 in list form.

The results are… well, they’re kind of the same as all the other lists. Santogold, Wolf Parade, No Age, Deerhunter, Girl Talk, Hot Chip, Lil Wayne and Coldplay are there, just like every other list. However, their 50 songs of the year, which lists songs in order of release date instead of best-ness, has very little in common with the other lists, and has lots of excellent, easy to download tunes and remixes.

De-friend 10 People, Get a Free Whopper

Is Burger King the most web savvy fast food chain ever? They sure want you to think so! From sponsoring that really important P. Diddy YouTube channel to single handedly inventing softcore chicken webcam porn to putting a hamburgery spin on the word ‘virgin’, they’re definitely on the cutting edge of new, 21st century style burger marketing.

But if all that stuff isn’t Web 2.0 enough for you, don’t worry, BK has you covered. They’re upping the ante and making a foray into the world of social networking. That’s right, they’ve done the previously unthinkable and invented a killer fast food Facebook app. They’re big idea? De-friend ten people, and win a free Whopper!

Dubbed The Whopper Sacrifice, BK’s big idea seems to stem from the question ‘How far would you go to eat a free Whopper?’ as if de-friending ten people in virtual land is some sort of Herculean task. And to be fair, maybe it is. I know if someone de-friended me just to get a free hamburger (retail value $2.39) I would totally not talk to them ever again, be it online or in real life. I would be SO MAD, but mostly because they de-friended me before I could de-friend them because oh man I want that free Whopper so bad I can already taste it!

5 Recession Proof Jobs That Don’t Suck

Hey, did you hear? The economy is totally horrible! Auto sales are down, unemployment is up; the doom and gloom never stops. But believe it or not, there are people working fantastic jobs in this country who haven’t even noticed the economy flush down the toilet, and probably never will. Here are five of the best ways to make decent money during these tough times. Read more

Weekly DVD Drop: Pineapple Express

Best of the Week: Pineapple Express
Have you ever watched a Cheech and Chong movie and secretly wished there was a bunch more car chases, gun fights and explosions? Apparently Seth Rogen has - and apparently he thought it was a really good idea, and so he decided to go ahead invent himself a little movie sub-sub-genre: the stoner action comedy. It just goes to show that not every idea you have while watching Cheech and Chong movies is a good one. Not to say that Pineapple Express is a horrible movie. It has its moments — mostly delivered by James Franco and Danny McBride — but those moments almost always occur during the ‘stoner’ half of the film. The other half just feels like a terribly miscast, completely unremarkable action movie, with a few random “I’m sooo baked” jokes thrown in for continuity’s sake. Worth seeing? Sure. Good idea to make more stoner action comedies? Nope! Read more

Top 5 Funnest Ways to Ruin Your Life

If you pay attention to the news, you may have noticed that a lot of people’s lives are getting ruined right now. People are losing their jobs, their life savings, and in places like Palestine, their lives. And you know what? Odds are that at least a few of you will have your lives ruined in a somewhat similar fashion, maybe pretty soon. Sucks to say, but it’s true. With this being the case, we suggest getting a jump on things and ruining your life in a really awesome way before fate has a chance to come along and ruin it for you. Here are some suggested methods. Read more

‘Tis the Season… to Make Babies!

Starting this coming Wednesday, and lasting until, say, next Wednesday, your chances of getting laid are dramatically increased. A new study has shown that this week long period, otherwise known as “the holidays”, is about more than just giving gifts — it’s also about having sex, and lots of it.

More condoms are sold, more babies are conceived and more virginities are lost during the coming week than at any other time of year. Joy to the World!

To some of you, this isn’t a big deal. You get laid all the time, and the uninhibited, random sex that you reliably stumble into every New Year’s Eve isn’t much different than the uninhibited, random sex you had last Tuesday. Congratulations, you are awesome. But! If you’ve spent the duration of 2008 sexless, stop making excuses and start taking notes. The reproductive season is in full swing, and you’ve got one week left to turn it around make this a year to remember.

Megan Fox as Bat Girl?

After the amazingness that was this year’s The Dark Night, movie nerds the world over are awaiting director Chris Nolan’s inevitable followup. Since the movie made a pile of money, was a critical darling and even generated posthumous Oscar buzz for Heath Ledger, you can bet your ass they’re making a third Batman. The only question is… when?

Nolan hasn’t even signed on to make part three yet, mostly because he’s a perfectionist and is busy making sure the plot will be air tight before anything official happens. Good for him. But what are all the overly-anxious fanboys supposed to do in the meantime? Apparently, just make a bunch of stuff up.

Rumors have been swirling around new Batman castings, from Johnny Depp and/or Eddie Murphy playing the Riddler to Shia LaBeouf playing Robin to Phillip Seymour Hoffman as the Penguin to Rachel Weisz as Catwoman. But since the movie isn’t even officially happening yet, can you guess how many of those lies rumors are true?

Since all it takes to circulate a Batman casting rumor is a hope and a dream and a website, we’d like to go ahead and officially announce the latest casting announcements for Batman 3 (which, by the way, has officially been titled Batman: Again).

Zac Effron as Robin
Oh, you didn’t hear? The third Batman is actually going to be a musical. Ten-year-old girls and their moms rejoice! Since America will be in a full fledged Great Depression once this movie sees the light of day, studio execs are looking to the last Great Depression for inspiration. Turns out that when people are down on their luck, nothing lifts their spirits like song and dance. Expect Effron’s casting to anger the Comic-Con crowd at first, but then expect them to get over it when they find out it will equal ten-year-old girls in the audience.

Megan Fox as Batgirl
Hey Hollywood, here’s some free advice: If you want people to see your movie, put Megan Fox in it. It doesn’t matter if she can’t sing or dance or act, just make her look under the hood of a car once every fifteen minutes and your film will make lots money.

Gary Busey as The Riddler
Busey doesn’t have to act like the Riddler, he LIVES the Riddler. Have you seen his guest spots on Entourage? The man is a walking enigma! He is a snake eating its own tail, except with legs and riddle telling abilities. Multiply that by spandex and then divide it by him having to remain sober for a few months — the movie might suffer, but the reality TV show will be Nielsen’s catnip.

Meryl Streep as Catwoman
Well someone has to generate Oscar buzz in a Batman movie, and unfortunately the Academy only recognizes traditional acting talent, and not the new, more real talent that someone like Megan Fox brings to a project. Plus, rumor has it there’s a Catwoman Riddler sex scene in the works, so that should be good times.

Cruise’s Valkyrie Role Gets Trashed

Poor Tom Cruise. The man wants to be known as an actor! Not some crazy, couch jumping, psychiatrist hating cult nut. And with last week’s announcement that he’d been nominated for a Golden Globe award for his awesome cameo in Tropic Thunder, it looked like he might have finally started to turn the page on the past few years of horrible/weird publicity and do just that, re-become an actor.

Well, don’t count on it. If you believe the Germans, his turn as Claus Count Schenk von Stauffenberg (AKA the guy who unsuccessfully tried to assassinate Hitler) in the upcoming Valkyrie is completely and utterly horrible. The worst performance in the history of worst performances. According to Berlin paper Der Tagesspiegel, “his image as an actor has been finally ruined by Valkyrie.” Bummer.

In fairness to Cruise, the Germans may be slightly biased. Not because they hate him any more than most nations, but because von Stauffenberg is probably their greatest modern day war hero, and Tom Cruise is a height challenged American action hero who believes in aliens. Imagine having to watch Roberto Benigni star in Saving Private Ryan instead of Tom Hanks and you kind of get the picture.

Hugh Hefner’s New Girlfriend Displays Her Credentials

At a party celebrating Playboy’s 55th Birthday over the weekend, Hugh Hefner’s latest girlfriend, Dasha Astafieva, gave the world a taste of what her and Hef’s life must be like behind closed doors. The Ukrainian model showed up to the party wearing a very see-through, very tight black dress, with nothing under it except for one very lucky black thong. Everything except for her labia was on display.

But that wasn’t enough for Dasha. Once the bulbs started flashing, she decided the thong had to go. Her outfit simply wasn’t revealing enough! So she hiked up her skirt and, somewhat gracefully, made her underwear disappear. Magic.

Maybe it was making her a little too warm in the Vegas heat. Maybe she had one too many vodkas on the limo ride over. Maybe Ukrainian girls just love to show the world their vaginas. Really, we’ll never know. What we DO know is that this is one photo set you simply can’t miss, and that even at age 82, Hef still knows how to choose ‘em.