If Candy Hearts Told the Truth

We’ve all seen or given them. You know what I’m talking about. Those powdery sweets on which even more saccharine messages are adorned. They’re a tradition as old as the Valentine’s Day card (my favorite was the train going into the tunnel, letting the girl know that you Choo Choo-se her). What we know just as well, is how full of crap those little hearts are. What man really wants his woman to know that she’s sweet or that she’s a cutie pie? Not a man of any sort of character.

Fret not, guys, we finally have a solution. No longer do you have to suffer through the ignominy. I present some realistic messages for your Valentine(s). There’s 14 for the special date, but that doesn’t make me sentimental. The important thing to remember is that, just because you’re eating chalk, it doesn’t mean that you can’t still get your message across.

How to Pick the Right Color Roses for Valentine’s Day

Red Roses are the traditional gift given on Valentine’s Day, but beware!  You need to know what message you’re sending!  The color of the roses that you sent could have a very different meaning from what you intended. Before you dial up those roses, understand what you’re getting yourself into (or out of!)  If you have questions, ask the florist!  they understand that heterosexual men are usually lost when it comes to this stuff.  Don’t be shy.

Red Roses

Red roses proclaim “I love you”, and are the ultimate symbol of romantic love on Valentine’s Day.  This isn’t to say you can’t buy a girl red roses unless you’ve already traded the “I Love You” bomb, but it certainly sends the “Go ahead, say it.”

Yellow Roses

Yellow roses indicate friendship and freedom — so don’t send them if your intentions are romantic, long-term, or if you already did forearms that day.

Pale Pink, Light Pink, or Deep Pink Roses

Pale pink roses connote grace, gentleness, and gratitude.  Light Pink Roses indicate “A joy to behold”, and express fun and happiness. Deep pink roses say “Thank you.” They have also come to be associated with the fight against breast cancer.  Truth be told though most people think any shade of pink means “I Like You – not quite Love, but likely in the future”, so it’s a good / safe choice.

Lilac Roses

Lilac roses indicate the sender has fallen in love at first sight with the recipient and is enchanted. You can get a lot of mileage out of these if your target knows what they mean, but try not to be a complete douchebag, or I’ll do the same to your sister . . .or Mom.

White Roses

Pure white roses symbolize truth and innocence. They also send other messages: “I miss you” and “You’re heavenly.”

Peach Roses

Peach roses speak of appreciation and gratitude. . .so I guess I’ll send them on the 15^th.

Coral or Orange Colored Roses

Coral or orange roses communicate enthusiasm and desire on the part of the sender. Sending them with a vibrator and a basket of sex gels communicates that you desire to do awful, terrible unspeakable things to her as soon as possible.  (Send the pictures to Editor@teamcoed.com)

Dead Roses

Regardless of the original color, dead roses say “It’s over” loud and clear.

COMBINED ROSES

Now somewhere along the line some prick decided to make things even more tough by combining rose colors like their God Damn Jelly Bellies.  I don’t appreciate this, so “F” him, but put two or more colors of roses together, and a new rose meaning arises:

White Roses + Yellow Roses – A symbol of harmony.

Red Roses + Yellow Roses – A message of happiness and celebration.

Red Roses + White Roses – An indication of bonding and harmony.

Orange Roses + Red Roses – I’ve been thinking about attempting anal with you.  (Just kidding to see if you were paying attention)

Single Red Rose – “I love you” (but I’m not going to go broke telling you.  Did you think I actually liked Ramen Noodles).

Single Rose Any Color – “I thank you” (and I’m still not going to go broke saying so.  Here, have a noodle.)

Two Roses Entwined – An engagement or marriage is imminent.

So Where to Get Them?  FTD can deliver up to the very day anywhere in the World (for the most part – if your girl is a pygmy, or an aborigine living in the Australian Outback then I guess you’re screwed (and very weird)  (To go to their website click here) (FTD – not the aborigines you freak!)

. . .and here’s a great alternative that will last forever and not set you back much more than any other flower gift, A 24 Karat authentic long stem rose is specially grown, handpicked, preserved and guaranteed to last forever from Steven Singer Jewelers.  A Red Rose is dipped in 24 karat yellow gold, allowing the vibrant red petals to shine, and enclosed in a special gold foil gift box with an official card of authenticity and lifetime guarantee.  It ships “Ready for giving”, and a pretty good deal at $60.  Buy it here.

But don’t wait!  FTD’s number is 1-800-736-3383.  They also have great options for Mom, and Grandma!

Check out the rest of our Valentine’s Gift Guides Here!

Top 10 Friends to Help Solve That Little Problem

10. Kevin McCallister (Home Alone)

"Don't you know a kid always wins against two idiots?"

If You Need To Defend Your Home-

He may very well be the toughest guy on this list… pound for pound. I don’t care how old or annoying he is. Any kid that makes Tommy Devito (Goodfellas) look like Curley has balls the size of Christmas ornaments. Can I say that about an eight year old?

9. Beast (The Hills Have Eyes)

Arf Arf Arf. Where my dogs at?

If You Need A Guard/Attack Dog:

If DMX’s poetry has taught the world anything, it’s the value of a good dog. Well, how much better can you get than Beast? The Wes Craven Remake had a typical plot with this atypical hero. After the German Shepherd loses his one true love, Beauty, he unleashes his own final solution on the mutants that plague the desert.

8.  (Kill Bill)

"Are you calling me a superhero?"

If You Need Someone Dead-

She’s proven that she’ll work for money with the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad. So, even though there are other jobs that you could think of to pay her for, you’re not going to find a better killer. This Black Mamba scored more than even Kobe could dream of. I just wouldn’t get too close. An exploded heart is even worse than a broken one.

7. Rocky Balboa (Rocky)

"Shut up! Mr Gazzo wants the 200 now."

If Someone Owes You Money-

How many two-time Heavyweight Champion leg-breakers do you know? Maybe that’s why so many people owe you money, because none of that would go down with Rocky on your payroll. The added nice part is that even if he quits on you, like he did Tony Gazzo, you can still get primo seats for a Heavyweight Title fight out of it.

6. Bugs Bunny (Looney Tunes)

"The way I run this thing you'd think I knew something about it."

If You Need To Get Out of Trouble-

The quick talking hare makes more than just tortoises look slow. So, if you ever find yourself lost after making a wrong turn at Alberquerque (Bugs should’ve never gotten into Gonzo’s mescaline), you’ll be glad to have the seemingly invincible rabbit on your side. Just try to be understanding when he does the cross-dressing routine. He’s a little eccentric.

5. Ferris Bueller (Ferris Bueller’s Day Off)

"Hey, Cameron. You realize if we played by the rules right now we'd be in gym?"

If You Need To Get INTO Trouble-

Here’s a case where you might end up with more trouble then when you started. Hey, It’s more than worth it if he brings Sloan along, right? The question is, could Ferris handle being second fiddle? After all, no one wants to be Cameron. But look, there’s never a dull moment with Ferris, and that’s a good friend to have around.

4. T-800 (Terminator)

"Come with me if you want to live!"

If You Need Protection-

This one is pretty self-explanatory. Who wouldn’t want a killer time traveling robot programmed to follow your every command? Just watch out for any overpowered magnets or he won’t be back. Only knock on T-800 is that studio choice, OJ Simpson, never got the part. Heads rolled over that one.

3. Catherine Trammel (Basic Instinct)

"You know I don't like to wear any underwear, don't you, Nick?"

If You Have Trouble With The Law-

A woman whose sexuality is as subtle as an ice pick to the heart. The sinfully hot novelist uses her body to literally get away with murder. You’d have to stay on top of her to keep her under control, but that doesn’t seem so bad.

2. Winston Wolf (Pulp Fiction)

"I'm Winston Wolfe. I solve problems."

If You Need To Clean Up a Mess-

You wake up and there’s a dead hooker lying next to you. Blood is everywhere. It’s on the walls, it’s on your face, it’s… another place. It’s happened to the best of us, so why not you? You look through your phonebook and pass “Dad,” your lawyer “Frank,” your girlfriend “Kristy,” and “Mom.” All hope is lost until you reach “Winston Wolf.” If Jules Winnfield calls him in a jam, he’s good enough for you.

1. Michael Corleone (The Godfather) 

"I don't feel I have to wipe everybody out, Tom. Just my enemies."

If You Have a BIG Problem-

You know that hypothetical hooker we discussed? This is the man that ordered her dumped there. The Godfather and Don of La Casa Nostra is the man to see when you need something serious done. He owns senators, businessmen, clergy, everyone. Watch out though, because even though your problem might be solved, now you belong to him forever.

Is This The New Spider-Man?!?!

Spider-Man 4 which was to release in 2011, will now be releasing in the summer of 2012. . . but not.

The “New Chapter” in the Spider-Man franchise produced by Columbia, Marvel Studios and Avi Arad and Laura Ziskin, will have a new cast and filmmaking team.  It will have an all new cast and director, and start over at “The Beginning.”   Spider-Man will be in High School – again.

Wait.  So it’s not a New Chapter at all you’re . . .Oh! You mean you’re doing Ultimate Spider-Man?!?  Great! Awesome!  Home-run!   But didn’t you guys just cancel that comic?

Yep.  The top selling Marvel title for over 100 issues.  The one the company decided to run into the ground, and then cancel is now being made into the “New Spider-Man” film.

( . . .so it’s good enough to be made into a 100 million plus budget movie, but someone at Marvel felt that they had better cancel the comic because . . . ?  HINT: No good reason.)

Left hand meet right hand.  It would be nice if you guys spoke once in a while.

What do you think? Comes off as a bit of a tool if you ask me.

In the spirit of not knowing what the hell is going on, we have a rumor on which actor will take up the Spider-Mantle – Disney star David Henrie (Big Surprise a Kid under a Disney contract)  spoke to OK! Magazine about the rumors that he is next in line to wall crawl.

“I am very blessed that the rumor is even going around and I am very happy about it! That would be a dream role for me,” The Wizards of Waverly Place star reveals to OK!Magazine at the premiere of the  movie Legion on Thursday.  “I love Tobey and I have been watching him forever so I would do whatever it takes to follow him in the role.”

Well . . .do you like the taste of mouse semen Dave?
” I have been involved in martial arts for my whole life and I am very acrobatic, active, and athletic so I would continue to do a lot more of what I have been doing with mixed martial arts,” to prepare for Spider-Man if the opportunity presents itself.  And I’d totally fellate Mickey”

(Except that last part isn’t true.  He didn’t say that, but maybe he should have.)

It’s Like Sky Mall for Vapor-Wares

Four out of five dentists surveyed recommend Ozzie Osbourne.

A Hamburger Blender? Jeez… I don’t want a protein shake that badly.   Oh wait!  I get it, it’s a website with all crazy fake, (as in not real or actually available) products . . .cool!

OK, so they got me for a second… Good for you Hamburger Blender <clap clap>.

The first thing I thought of when I heard the domain name was  – Gross.  It also reminded me of that ridiculous Hamburger Phone from the film Juno, which then reminded me of Snookie baffled by the Duck Phone on Jersey Shore.  I had to rest my head a while before diving back in.

The cool part about the Hamburger Blender site is that they combine some of those kitschy ideas with a parody of some very “Sky Mall-esque” gifts.  I mean, how much more ridiculous can you really get than a “Shiatsu Temple and Eye Massager” – But they do (however neither company offers a “happy ending”).

Weird or not, I'm still very turned on.

I wanted this stuff to be real in the worst way! My mouth was watering!  They even add insult to injury by mocking me with a shopping cart!  Imagination my disappointment when I couldn’t actually get an AnswerPen. $169.95  – A pen that gives you the answers to any math problem!!  Where was that my last six years of high school?!?!

Then, I saw the CelebrityFinder, a GPS locator for celebrities,and I got so excited to start crossing names off from my To Stalk list, but again only a tease.  Some of these items really prey upon the laziness of people, but even I wish I could get my grubby mitts on those Piano Playing Hands.

But alas sadly, these items are un-orderable.   Like I always say,  if we’ve learned anything at all from strippers and Billy Mays it’s that if it seems too good to be true, it is (look carefully around the belly button or under the arms and you’ll find the scar.  They had to go in from somewhere.)

Although there is no way to send ZilchGifts,  you can help that stupid friend of yours get the hint, and you can also rack up a ridiculous amounts of fake debt – just like our government.

And if you want to get someone an “Actual real gift”, they do have an online store set up with t-shirts and other items featuring images of their imaginary wares.  The prices on their t-shirts are much more reasonable than their gag gifts.  I mean, who would spend $899 on a Clothing Rightside-Outer when you can get a girlfriend for free.

Check out more of Hamburger Blenders Insane Vapor-Wares at www.hamburgerblenber.com

 

Top Twelve Women of the Apocalypse

Are bombs dropping all around you? Did your ex-girlfriend just try to take a bite out of you? Well, looks like you’re in trouble bud, but here’s twelve ladies to help you through it.

12. Virginia Hey (Mad Max 2)

The babe, simply known as Warrior Woman, who captured Max’s attention and ours. I still find myself getting a little disappointed for Mad Max when she bites the big one. No teeth, honey.

11. Carrie-Anne Moss (The Matrix)

Skin-tight black latex is like The Golden Ticket. Both guarantee entry and I want to eat what’s inside both. Ok, maybe I got carried away, but just a little.

10. Mary Catherine Stewart (Night of the Comet)

Back to the 80s where cheese covered the earth. This babe appeared in a few horror movies, but Night of the Comet was her first starring role. It centered around two sisters and a truck driver left alive after a comet decimates the world’s population. Sign me up to drive that shift.

9. Jeanne Tripplehorn (Waterworld)

The list needed at least one MILF. Jeanne Tripplehorn plays Helen, mother of precious Enola (played by Big Love castmate Tina Majorino). She offers herself in trade for her daughter and her own safety, but got turned down by Kevin Costner’s character. No wonder Waterworld sank at the box office.

8. Estella Warren (Planet of the Apes)

The synchronized swimmer turned model turned actress put out her best performance in this awful remake. It helped that she spent most of the film mute, but isn’t that the most attractive train in a woman?

7. Asia Argento (Land of the Dead)

I love a girl who does daddy proud. Asia, the daughter of italian horror legend Dario Argento, starred in fourth installment of the Romero Zombie films, and brought some much-needed sex appeal to the series. I’ve never been inside Asia, but I have turned Japanese looking at pictures.

6. Naomi Watts and Lori Petty (Tank Girl)

The only couple on the list, and let’s embrace it. Tank Girl and Jet Girl are two of the cuter entries on the list and leave me wanting to somehow get blown up by them, especially if there is a Rocket Bra involved in there somewhere.

5. Diane Lane (Judge Dredd)

During the 90s, Diane Lane slowly made the transition from young and smoking to slightly older and still smoking. Ironically, silly comic book adaptation, Judge Dredd was one of the first films where she had begun to, “mature.”

4. Rhona Mitra (Doomsday)

The only chick on this list that I would be worried about kicking the crap out of me. Thanks to her cyborg eye, she can literally keep an eye on your at all times. Which sucks, because that view from behind would make me want to sneak up.

3. Emma Stone (Zombieland)

The characters in Zombieland chose to be identified by their cities and not their real names. I think that the writers came up with that just so they could name a character Wichita. Sounds like a stripper’s name to me, but distinctly more subtle than Idaho.

2. Milla Jovovich (Resident Evil)

The hero of the ongoing (somehow) Resident Evil series makes me wish I could be the T-Virus, injected in her. She isn’t glamorous in the films, but you don’t need to be Grace Kelly when you’re committing genocide on the zombie race.

1. Rose McGowan and Marley Shelton (Planet Terror)

This double dose of hotness blows the rest of the list out of the water. Is it just me, or is Marley Shelton’s doctor get-up even hotter than Rose McGowan as a stripper? I’m not saying I want her to go crazy with thermometers in me, but I would definitely like to let her know my temperature is high. Oh, and if you want to know how much of a deviant I am, my first thought when Cherry lost her leg was “easy access.”

Throw Your Own “World Series of Beer Pong”

Have you ever wanted to become a world champion athlete, but didn’t want to give up drinking or having fun? I understand. None of us are Mickey Mantle, so what can we do? The World Series of Poker is out. There’s a lot more fun ways to spend $10,000 in Vegas. If I’m going to say that I’m all in, it’s going to be to a disappointed hooker and not Phil Hellmuth (sorry if that’s redundant). So, then what’s our solution?

What's better than girls who know how to handle balls?

Well, here at Coed Magazine, we may have found something perfect. The World Series of Beer Pong seems like a dream come true. Beer, smokin’ groupies, and the strip? Um, where do I sign up? This year there was a $50,000 grand prize. Imagine how much Natty Ice that could buy. There’s only one small hiccup. You don’t have to drink beer at the World Series of Beer Pong. Now, excuse me for a minute but are you serious? Is the Super Bowl going to be two-hand touch this year? Even worse, there’s still complaints (like from these crybabies) about excessive drinking. Twenty four ounces of beer split between two guys is not serious drinking. That, combined with the expensive entry fee and five days stay in Vegas is a lot to swallow. So, we decided to come up with some ideas for how you and your drunkest (closest) friends can hold your very own World Series of Beer Pong.

First thing, if you want to have a great event, you need to be prepared. The beer should be light and drinkable (Guinness would NOT be “brilliant”). Nothing is worse than having to sit around and talk to people while someone makes a beer run, so make sure you get enough. Some people have even been known to play with tequila but to me that feels risky.

Next thing is the equipment. There are several guides out there for constructing and painting custom beer pong tables, just check out our 180 Bad-Ass Beer Pong Tables. Just, do that sober. I don’t need any angry emails typed by your eight remaining fingers. Besides the table, you need is cups and balls (and if you’re reading this, you must have those in spades).

She can put me in her penalty box any time she wants.

Now you have your equipment and your beer. You’re ready to go, right? No, wrong. This is the big leagues, kid. You want to be probing a dark crevice before the end of the night, and you don’t want to be finding balls. That’s why we’re suggesting ball boys (or girls if you’re the coolest guy I know). Try bribing someone with some beer. It could save a pretty big headache. In the perfect world, you could hire one of those kids that do the tennis tournaments but I’ve read they keep those kids in cages in the offseason.

You’ve got this great tournament set up, but not many of us can compete with a $50,000 grand prize. Why not get a trophy? Something that people are going to win. That doesn’t mean it has to be huge and ornate, that’s for guys with size issues. Grab a modest trophy with a twist. Make it something that you can drink out of. That way, the champion can puff out his chest and drink in style out of his chalice. You know the next year everyone is going to want that baby.

Last but not least, you’re going to have a safeguard against cheaters. You know the type. They lean over the table like they’re in Pisa, and then deny it. Get a referee. It has to be someone that no one will argue with, like your hottest girl friend. If a guy is so competitive that he’s going to fight with a hot chick, that’s probably not someone that needs to be invited to next year’s World Series.

Follow these tips and you can bring the championship to your own house. This way, you can pour as much beer as you want. You’ll put on a great event and make a lot of friends in the process. And even if you lose, someone will probably be willing to be your consolation prize.