You’re done with classes, you can sleep in till noon without repercussion and chances are you’re going to end up at the bar downtown, one of these nights - if you haven’t just camped out there already. That means running into pretty much every person you went to high school with who you haven’t talked to since graduation day. If you’re not careful, things can get weird before you can say “Remember that time in pre-calc…”. So here’s a quick guide to the 9 types of high school classmates you’ll run into over winter break to help you keep your cool.
Popular Girl Who Still Thinks She’s Special:
The only skills this chick acquired in high school was batting her eyes and rocking a push-up bra. And while there’s nothing wrong with that, girls like this are a dime a dozen. (Maybe a very well spent dime, but a dime nonetheless.) If she’s in college, she’ll probably be an even bigger b*tch than she was in 10th grade, since she’s had a couple more solid years of getting f*cked (over) by football players to really seal in her nasty demeanor.
If she didn’t go to college, chances are she’s divorced, with a toddler and a unhealthy fondness of white wine. You might think this makes her easier to hook-up with, but you’d be wrong. She still thinks she’s all that, and should be avoided at all cost.
“Most Likely to Succeed” Turned “Most Likely to wake up hungover, half naked in a gutter, with a condom sticking out of his butt”:
While growing up, being an over-achiever made this kid feel like he was king of the world. But once he moved out of the house, and didn’t have his asshole dad breathing down his neck every second, the guy just fell apart. Sure, he might have gotten into a good school, but after realizing he could do whatever he wanted, things quickly went downhill. And after a year of f*cking up, he moved back home to consumed as much drugs and alcohol as it took to forget his shame.
If you’re feeling ambitious, the best thing you can do for this dude is to tell him - in the nicest way possible - that he looks like sh*t. Maybe he’ll get a hint and think about cleaning up his act before it’s too late. But probably not. So the safest bet is to keep the conversation short and just lie your ass off.
The Late Bloomer
Nobody wants to be ugly in high school. It can be a real downer, and some people never recover from it. But if the late bloomer had a good head on her shoulders, she should have developed a winning personality.
Now she’s through her “awkward phase,” rounded out in all the right places and acquired a good a sense of humor, turning herself into some kind of dream woman capable of amazing things.
Not chatting her up is almost impossible, if you have the chance. But beware - if things go well, you’re going to end up madly in love with a woman who goes to school three states away. And that’s going to end in tears, whether you think so or not. The best bet is to hit up this girl as late in the game as possible - and keep it light and fast. Anything else will have you buying plane tickets with all your drinking money in no time - and nobody wants that.
Scrawny Kid Turned Special Ops
This kid still wore a giant Batman backpack and Velcro shoes when he was 14. So, needless to say, he got the sh*t end of the bully stick, constantly. In the middle of giving him a good swirly, it was hard to imagine that he’d ever grow big enough to be anything more than hilarious.
So to come back home to find him a war veteran with battle scars and 143 ways to kill you in under a 10 seconds usually goes one of two ways, depending on whether or not you were the one holding his legs.
If so, he’ll probably just scare the ever-living sh*t out of you for some laughs of his own, but be too good to let it get to violence. Otherwise, this would be a good guy to become friends with, in case things get ugly after a few more rounds.
Super Nerd Turned Millionaire
While you were busy getting drunk in a field, this dude was mastering UNIX. And since then, he’s built a computer program that you’re to dumb to even understand what it does, sold it for millions of dollars and now spends most of his time screwing high-end Asian hookers.
He’ll do whatever he can to let you know he’s already made it more than you will your entire life. But don’t let his 007 lifestyle get you down - he’s still a lonely butt-nugget who would be living in his mom’s basement if he weren’t so lucky. However, it’d still be a good idea to get a few rounds out of him before he leaves town.
The Jock Turned Cop
Once a douchebag, always a douchebag. And nothing proves that more than a man changing out a football jersey for a police uniform. Since graduation, this dude grew out his mustache, strapped on a semi-automatic weapon and took up sitting in a car and messing with teenagers for a living - all in the name of justice, of course.
If he’s out drinking, watch your back - in addition to his naturally fragile assholishness, the stress of having the most disappointing job on the planet will make him easily angered and mean. So just be as nice and non-confrontational as possible. Otherwise, you’re going to end up in a bar fight with the dirtiest rat bastard in the place…and probably in jail.
Hot Slutty Girl Who’s Still Really Slutty and Not Quite as Hot
She was the first girl to rock the velvet “Juicy” ass-pants and wore glittery pink lipstick like a champ. And since 11th grade geography, nothing much has changed except a few more toes to her crow’s feet and a tattoo of a topless mermaid on her lower back.
No matter how hard you try, there’s just something about a hot slutty chick that makes every guy wish for the downfall of civilization, just so he can do what he wants without having to think of his reputation. And because this girl’s been perfecting the part since she hit puberty, avoiding hooking up with this chick is pretty much impossible.
The goal is to not look like a complete slob while picking her up, and to make sure nothing gets transmitted in either direction. So seal the deal as early in the night as possible, and stock up on extra-thick condoms and a jar of spermicide before hand - your penis will thank you.
The Kid You Knew Was Gay…and Is
Whether he just seemed a bit off or was parading around the theater department in a pink leotard, this dude was the last guy in school to figure out he was gay. But now that he’s out of the harsh confines of high school, he either moved to Miami and became the most financially responsible guy in your class or has blossomed into an emotionally repressed basket-case who cries if he drinks too many spritzers.
There’s nothing to much to worry about with this guy. Just don’t say anything like, “So, how’s suckin’ d*ck going?” or you’ll end up getting slapped.
The Loser That’s Still a Loser
This is the guy that got straight C’s, likes hanging out in parking lots, talking about suping-up his Civic and has a dog named Bosco. And it’s a good bet that this dude makes up most of the people in the place. No matter what, there’s no way to avoid talking to him, since this sad creature comes in so many variations. Just make sure you try not to talk too much about how much your life rules or he’ll just think your an asshole - which you probably are. But hey, at least you’re not him…
*Runners Up:
Hot Girl Turned Fat Girl, Slutty Girl Who’s Now a Christian, Girl Who Got Married Because She Was Pregnant, Guy Who Got Married Because She Was Pregnant, Now-Has-Long-Hair Guy, New Accent Guy
