Why Midget Women and Bullfighting Don’t Mix [Video]

If you’d asked me before watching this video why I thought there were no women bullfighters, I would have probably said something about Spanish cultures being male dominated, yada, yada, yada… And if you’d asked my why there are no midget bullfighters, I would have guessed that they’d be trampled. But after seeing this video, I realized that I would have been wrong on both accounts – the real answers are far more frightening…

Battle of the Brown Spirits: Scotch Vs. Whisky

For many drink enthusiasts, Scotch and Bourbon stand strongest at opposite ends of the “brown spirit” battlefield. To the West, the sweet punch to the face of Bourbon, America’s whiskey; to the East, Scotch whisky — a deep, smoky Highland warrior.

While plenty of whisky — or “whiskey,” take your pick — drinkers cross sides, most have their favorite kind. Far more, however, couldn’t tell the difference between a Maker’s Mark and a Johnnie Walker, or don’t realize there’s a difference in the first place.

If you’re only experience with drinking whisk(e)y involves a chaser, you’re doing it wrong. Not that shots suck (never would I say such a thing), but they do limit the drinking experience to “not drunk” and “drunk,” without leaving room for a bit of beverage enjoyment – you know, tasting the whisky, not just washing it down.

Between that and not knowing where to start among the thousands of different whiskeys, it doesn’t seem worth the effort when alcohol still works, regardless of what you know.

But with a little bit of knowledge, a whole new world of drinking is opened up to you. Plus, people will think you’re smart. Here’s how to spot the differences and appreciate Scotch and Bourbon alike. Read more

Ted Danson Was a Creeper [Video]

So, it turns out that before Cheers and long before Curb Your Enthusiasm, comedian and actor, Ted Danson was a complete and total creeper. And if you don’t believe me, just take a gander at this quick little clip of Mr. Danson reading from his book of… um, “soft and romantic” pickup lines? I guess you could call it that, if you consider “Honest, I’ll pull out in time” a pickup line.

Extreme Beer Pong [Video]

There are a couple of ways to know if you’re an alcoholic. One of them is becoming an expert beer pong player. I think it probably comes sometime around being able to swish four cups in a row and bouncing it off the wall, stool and the other stool.

This Guy Freakin’ Loves Balloons

This dude freakin’ loves to watch balloons blow up and pop. He LOVES it. So when I first watched this video, it made me realize how F’ing weird people can be. But by the end of the video, I started to think that maybe he was on to something. Maybe this is awesome! Or maybe this dude is just out of his dang mind.

The 9 High School Classmates You’ll Run Into Over Winter Break

You’re done with classes, you can sleep in till noon without repercussion and chances are you’re going to end up at the bar downtown, one of these nights – if you haven’t just camped out there already. That means running into pretty much every person you went to high school with who you haven’t talked to since graduation day. If you’re not careful, things can get weird before you can say “Remember that time in pre-calc…”. So here’s a quick guide to the 9 types of high school classmates you’ll run into over winter break to help you keep your cool.

Popular Girl Who Still Thinks She’s Special:

The only skills this chick acquired in high school was batting her eyes and rocking a push-up bra. And while there’s nothing wrong with that, girls like this are a dime a dozen. (Maybe a very well spent dime, but a dime nonetheless.) If she’s in college, she’ll probably be an even bigger b*tch than she was in 10th grade, since she’s had a couple more solid years of getting f*cked (over) by football players to really seal in her nasty demeanor.

If she didn’t go to college, chances are she’s divorced, with a toddler and a unhealthy fondness of white wine. You might think this makes her easier to hook-up with, but you’d be wrong. She still thinks she’s all that, and should be avoided at all cost.

“Most Likely to Succeed” Turned “Most Likely to wake up hungover, half naked in a gutter, with a condom sticking out of his butt”:

While growing up, being an over-achiever made this kid feel like he was king of the world. But once he moved out of the house, and didn’t have his asshole dad breathing down his neck every second, the guy just fell apart. Sure, he might have gotten into a good school, but after realizing he could do whatever he wanted, things quickly went downhill. And after a year of f*cking up, he moved back home to consumed as much drugs and alcohol as it took to forget his shame.

If you’re feeling ambitious, the best thing you can do for this dude is to tell him – in the nicest way possible – that he looks like sh*t. Maybe he’ll get a hint and think about cleaning up his act before it’s too late. But probably not. So the safest bet is to keep the conversation short and just lie your ass off.

The Late Bloomer

Nobody wants to be ugly in high school. It can be a real downer, and some people never recover from it. But if the late bloomer had a good head on her shoulders, she should have developed a winning personality.

Now she’s through her “awkward phase,” rounded out in all the right places and acquired a good a sense of humor, turning herself into some kind of dream woman capable of amazing things.

Not chatting her up is almost impossible, if you have the chance. But beware – if things go well, you’re going to end up madly in love with a woman who goes to school three states away. And that’s going to end in tears, whether you think so or not. The best bet is to hit up this girl as late in the game as possible – and keep it light and fast. Anything else will have you buying plane tickets with all your drinking money in no time – and nobody wants that.

Scrawny Kid Turned Special Ops

This kid still wore a giant Batman backpack and Velcro shoes when he was 14. So, needless to say, he got the sh*t end of the bully stick, constantly. In the middle of giving him a good swirly, it was hard to imagine that he’d ever grow big enough to be anything more than hilarious.

So to come back home to find him a war veteran with battle scars and 143 ways to kill you in under a 10 seconds usually goes one of two ways, depending on whether or not you were the one holding his legs.

If so, he’ll probably just scare the ever-living sh*t out of you for some laughs of his own, but be too good to let it get to violence. Otherwise, this would be a good guy to become friends with, in case things get ugly after a few more rounds.

Super Nerd Turned Millionaire

While you were busy getting drunk in a field, this dude was mastering UNIX. And since then, he’s built a computer program that you’re to dumb to even understand what it does, sold it for millions of dollars and now spends most of his time screwing high-end Asian hookers.

He’ll do whatever he can to let you know he’s already made it more than you will your entire life. But don’t let his 007 lifestyle get you down – he’s still a lonely butt-nugget who would be living in his mom’s basement if he weren’t so lucky. However, it’d still be a good idea to get a few rounds out of him before he leaves town.

The Jock Turned Cop

Once a douchebag, always a douchebag. And nothing proves that more than a man changing out a football jersey for a police uniform. Since graduation, this dude grew out his mustache, strapped on a semi-automatic weapon and took up sitting in a car and messing with teenagers for a living – all in the name of justice, of course.

If he’s out drinking, watch your back – in addition to his naturally fragile assholishness, the stress of having the most disappointing job on the planet will make him easily angered and mean. So just be as nice and non-confrontational as possible. Otherwise, you’re going to end up in a bar fight with the dirtiest rat bastard in the place…and probably in jail.

Hot Slutty Girl Who’s Still Really Slutty and Not Quite as Hot

She was the first girl to rock the velvet “Juicy” ass-pants and wore glittery pink lipstick like a champ. And since 11th grade geography, nothing much has changed except a few more toes to her crow’s feet and a tattoo of a topless mermaid on her lower back.

No matter how hard you try, there’s just something about a hot slutty chick that makes every guy wish for the downfall of civilization, just so he can do what he wants without having to think of his reputation. And because this girl’s been perfecting the part since she hit puberty, avoiding hooking up with this chick is pretty much impossible.

The goal is to not look like a complete slob while picking her up, and to make sure nothing gets transmitted in either direction. So seal the deal as early in the night as possible, and stock up on extra-thick condoms and a jar of spermicide before hand – your penis will thank you.

The Kid You Knew Was Gay…and Is

Whether he just seemed a bit off or was parading around the theater department in a pink leotard, this dude was the last guy in school to figure out he was gay. But now that he’s out of the harsh confines of high school, he either moved to Miami and became the most financially responsible guy in your class or has blossomed into an emotionally repressed basket-case who cries if he drinks too many spritzers.

There’s nothing to much to worry about with this guy. Just don’t say anything like, “So, how’s suckin’ d*ck going?” or you’ll end up getting slapped.

The Loser That’s Still a Loser

This is the guy that got straight C’s, likes hanging out in parking lots, talking about suping-up his Civic and has a dog named Bosco. And it’s a good bet that this dude makes up most of the people in the place. No matter what, there’s no way to avoid talking to him, since this sad creature comes in so many variations. Just make sure you try not to talk too much about how much your life rules or he’ll just think your an asshole – which you probably are. But hey, at least you’re not him…

*Runners Up:

Hot Girl Turned Fat Girl, Slutty Girl Who’s Now a Christian, Girl Who Got Married Because She Was Pregnant, Guy Who Got Married Because She Was Pregnant, Now-Has-Long-Hair Guy, New Accent Guy

9 Fool-Proof Excuses for Not Buying Christmas Gifts

If you’re like me, Christmas sneaks up on you like a ninja. Most of the time, you’re able to escape its stealthy wrath by running around town on Christmas Eve, furiously buying gift cards and aromatherapy bath gels. But some years, there’s just not enough time (or personal responsibility) to finish (or start) your gift-buying. And when Christmas day comes along, you’re stuck looking like the family asshole. So to get out of the dog house this year, here are nine fool-proof excuses for not having any gifts from you under the tree.

1. Blame It on the Stock Market: Sure, it might not technically make sense. But since most people don’t really understand the stock market in the first place, just spew some nonsense about derivatives and bear markets and that “son-of-a-bitch Paulson,” and you should be good.

2. Feign Terminal Illness: This might ruin Christmas in it’s own way, but at least you won’t look like the lazy, forgetful asshole. And you’ll probably get some sweeter presents next year…

3. Busy Fighting the War on Christmas: Who cares if the “War on Christmas” isn’t a real war? You have Jesus on your side – and nobody can argue with Jesus…

4. Dog Ate Them: Works every time.

5. Became a Communist: If you don’t believe in personal possession or religion, how can you be expected to participate in a holiday based entirely on both?

6. Mumble Something About Complications in the Space-Time Continuum: This one might require going on a jargon-filled tirade about portals and “that rat bastard Father Time,” but you’ll either confuse everyone enough to not question your asshole-ishness any further, or they’ll just think you’ve completely lost your mind. Either way, you win!

7. Gave Everyone’s Presents Away to an Orphanage: Instead of looking like a complete d*ckwad, you look like a saint. Problem is, lying about such things will probably seal your seat in hell. But that’s not till later, so screw it.

8. It’s George Bush’s Fault: Sure he’s been out of office for two year snow but everything’s already George Bush’s fault, so adding one more item to the list isn’t a stretch for anyone’s imagination.

9. You’re Broke: It works because it’s probably true. Just make sure to not show everyone your iPhone, or it’s all over.

Should You Get a Dog?

Unless you are a cat guy, being a dog owner can be one of the most satisfying experiences a person can have. They provide unrivaled companionship, entertainment and someone to talk to who won’t go off and tell everyone your embarrassing sh*t.

It wasn’t until last year that I finally got my first dog as an adult: Cash (above), the Man in Black – a solid black American Labrador retriever I picked up from a shelter on Long Island.

Cash is a handful, at best – and a real son-of-a-bitch on his bad days. He takes an endless amount of work – like having a half-brained 2-year old with giant fangs who relies on you to survive, forever. But he’s my best friend, and I wouldn’t give him up for anything.

So if you’re thinking about getting a dog, here are a few things I’ve learned and think you should consider before you take the plunge.

Be Prepared for the Long Haul
Your dog is not a goldfish. He (or she) is going to live a long time. So don’t take the decision to get a dog lightly. Be prepared to take care of and deal with having a dog for at least eight years. And many dogs live much longer. That means, every day, your dog will need fed, played with, walked and watered for probably longer than you’ve been doing the same for yourself. So be willing to go all the way. Remember, you have friends and family – he only has you.

Money & Time: Have What It Takes
Dog food – and toys – cost money. Not much, but if you’re already strapped for cash, it’s certainly not going to save you money to get a dog. Depending on breed and voraciousness, it can cost between $30 and $100 per month just to keep him alive. And that doesn’t include vet costs. So figure out your finances before adopting.

If you work all day, having a dog is difficult. It can be done, but you have to make sure your dog has enough room to move, and enough things to keep him occupied (that’s where the toys come in). If you don’t, expect to have a mess on your hands, constantly. And once you’re home, be ready to give much of your time to your dog. He will sleep a lot, but he has to get exercise to do that.

Don’t Buy, Adopt
There are a lot of politics to go along with this decision, but I’m not concerned with those here. I will say that dogs adopted from the brink of death appreciate it more. In that cage, he’s scared as hell. And he knows you saved him when you take him home. That means a lot in a dog-owner relationship.

Also, beware of pure-bred dogs. Not only do they often cost more, but rampant inbreeding can make them freakin’ crazy. I don’t know if Cash is pure-bred, but he looks it – and he’s definitely a little nuts. So take that into consideration before picking one out.

Pick The Dog You Connect With
While it’s nearly impossible to go to a shelter and not come home with a dog, make sure you pick one that fits your lifestyle. Definitely do some research before you go. But here are the basics: Don’t get a great dane if you live in a studio apartment. Don’t get a chihuahua if you want to teach your dog to jump stuff (other than shoe boxes). Don’t get a hyper dog if you’re lazy – or a lazy dog if you’re active. But  do get a dog you like. Get one that makes you happy, even if he is a punk-ass sometimes.

Be The Boss
Once you get a dog: No matter how much fun you have with him; no matter how much your dog seems like a person; no matter how funny it is to dress him in clothes and put pictures of him on the Internet (cough, cough), never forget that you have a creature living in your house. It’s not a person, and you can’t treat it with the same respect you give a human being.

So basically, don’t take sh*t from your dog. If you want him to lie down or stop begging, he needs to do that. Don’t get angry, but be firm. Show him what to do when you tell him to “Git!” And make him do that until he does it on his own, when you say.

You can do this for pretty much anything, from simple commands to amazing tricks. It takes a lot of patience, but your dog depends on you to teach him the commands that could save his life. Come, stay, stop, sit, lay – those basics can stop him from running into a street or pouncing on a kid. Either could be his ass – and maybe yours. So don’t be a pu**y about it, and take control of your new pack. Everyone will be better off in the end.

Angus Is A Dumbass [Video]

Any plan occurring in a cafeteria that involves a “flying jump tackle” is practically destined to fail. Bring a glass-front vending machine into the picture, and it’s all over.

Dear Condom Companies, Your Packaging Sucks

Dear Condom Companies,

Your packaging sucks. Yet few products in life (aside from brakes, rope, fire hydrants and weaponry) need to work in the heat of the moment more than the condom.

The pressure to get that thing on before the mood changes – while still looking smooth and effortless – is so monumental, the stress alone can shut you down. Add to that your hands and everything else are probably covered in slippery lube. So why are these little rubber wonders of technology so dang hard to open?

Now I’m as safe sex conscious as anybody. And I’m not saying there aren’t ways to keep things interesting while doing what needs to be done.

But when you’re looking down at a beautiful naked woman staring back, waiting for you to tediously fiddle with slippery plastic, it takes all your might to not just throw the f**king thing aside and get down to business.

So wouldn’t it be better for everyone if even a drunken fool could get it on without having to use his teeth to open the thing (and probably rip the condom in the process)? And the technology already exists! Pronto condom - a South African company – solved this problem. Their packaging quickly snaps open in the middle and can be used to apply the condom without even having to touch it. (Watch the SFW example video here.)

It’s already hard enough to navigate this vital situation, so could you please adopt some version of Pronto’s packaging for your condoms here in the U.S.? We drunken fools will thank you.

Cheers.

Crazy Woman Jumps In Front of a Train [Video]

With winter swooping in to snatch away everyone’s happiness for the next few months, chances are you’re going to hear about a lot more people offing themselves. That’s just how it goes. So let this video serve as a little lesson to all you passersby what it looks like when someone goes off the deep end, and wucks their ass in front of a train.  Also, this is what it looks like when someone gets really, really lucky…

How to Impress a Girl [Video]

One good way to get a girl’s attention is to do something so awesome only a few other people on the plant could pull it off. Now, that might be a problem for some of you, since amazing feats of skill are, by default, rare. But apparently not for this guy, who decides to wuck himself off a sand cliff, doing back flips all the way down.

P.S. At the end of the video, the cameraman says to the girl, “I think he really likes you!” Just so you know…

10 Totally Selfish Reasons It Sucks to Get a DUI

This is no joke – drunk driving kills or injures tens of thousands of people every year, ruining families and destroying innocent lives. It’s a foolish, needless act that has such dire consequences, getting behind the wheel while you’re even a little tipsy is an idiotic endeavor. But it’s not just others who suffers from drinking and driving – it’s mostly you. To give you an idea of how much it actually sucks, here are 10 totally selfish (but completely valid) reasons it sucks to get a DUI.

1. Injuring or killing somebody

If you think the dude you ran over got the crap end of the deal, you’re right, he did. But the pain and agony doesn’t end there. The guilt of causing damage to other people and their families will f**k with your head for years. And before you know it, you’ll have slipped into deep depression, lost your job and started sucking d*ck in an alley to support your meth habit – the only thing that allows you to for get your pain. You know, or you just feel like a complete asshole for the rest of your life. Either way, it blows.

2. Calling Your Parents From Jail

When thinking back on how well they fared as parents, a few moments stand out more than any others. And now, one of those moments is getting your dumbass call from jail. Way to go, sport. Plus, if you drank way too much, you’ll be sent to the hospital, forcing you to drag them into the charming scenario of having a cop sit by your bedside while you rehydrate. It’s called a bedside arraignment, and it will make you want to chop your head off.

3. Flying to Another State to Go to Court

Obviously, this only applies if you’re busted in another state from where you live. But if you do, get a frequent flier membership, because you’re going to be traveling back to that place enough to make you swear to never drive through there again. (You know, if you’re ever allowed to drive again…)

4. Feeling Like You’re Back In Middle School

Since most people get their license when they’re still a teenager, they’ve forgotten what it’s like to have the ability to go wherever they want, when they want. But all that comes suddenly rushing back like a clogged septic tank when they take your license away. And to really rub in your sorry lot in life, you now have to constantly ask other people for a lift anytime you want to go more than a bicycle ride away. Pretty soon, you’ll be asking your mom for money to the movies and fingerbanging your girlfriend. (OK, you were already fingerbanging your girlfriend.)

5. Can’t Drink Without Looking Like a Lush

Even compared to someone who gets hilariously wasted every weekend, there’s nothing like a booze-soaked moving violation to make you seem like a raging alcoholic. Pretty soon, whenever you pick up a beer, people will start giving you the evil eye and jokingly telling you to “stay out from behind the wheel.” And before you know it, people you’ve never met are calling you a drunk, even if your little mishap was just a freak occurrence. But really, what can you say?

6. Wasting Years of Your Life

This isn’t something you can take care of on a Monday afternoon. This takes years. Expect to spend months (at best), dealing with court proceedings, countless hours talking to your lawyers and days spent in lines flowing deeps into the horrid pits of your state’s government agencies. Not to mention the extra time it now takes because you can’t drive anywhere. When it’s all said and done, you would have wasted less time committing yourself to masturbating 100 times-per-day than if you try to drive home after one too many.

7. Explaining That You “Really Weren’t That Drunk”

Getting a DUI is so stigmatized that the first thing people think of when they hear what happened is you mowing down a family of four while sloppily chugging a bottle of Jack, even if you only got busted because of a checkpoint. But since in your mind you “really weren’t that drunk,” you’ll find yourself repeating this mantra to people over and over, until one day you realize that still, nobody believes you. Problem is, you believed you were cool to drive if you flopped behind the wheel in the first place, so it’s no wonder you sound like you’re full of sh!t.

8. Attending Drunk School

In some states, you’ll be offered the option of going to a type of “drunk school”, which is basically hell camp for people who get DUIs and can sometimes last three or four days, straight. However, it can also knock as much as half the suspension time off your sentence. And even though that’s technically a good thing, these horrid endeavors will leave you wondering if you got the good end of the deal. Unless, of course, you consider hanging out with 56-year-old winos and sleeping on a sh!tty cot a good way to spend a long weekend…

9. Telling People You Respect That You Have a DUI

Aside from your parents and peers knowing your capacity for making idiotic decisions, you’re probably going to have to tell some people, like your boss or potential new employers, that you either a) don’t have a driver’s license, which is weird and lame for its own reasons, or b) that you got a freakin’ DUI. Maybe there will be no consequence to this, but more than likely, doing so will haunt you far longer than you’ll be without a license.

10. It’s More Than Just The Fines

No surprise, it costs a lot of money if you get a DUI – everything from fines to court fees to lawyer costs start piling up in your debt department. But since you can’t drive, you can’t get to work. And if you can’t get to work, you can’t make money to pay off your mountain of DUI-related debt. Not only that, but if you can’t make money, you can’t get your license back – or buy food. So you’re basically f**ked – if you can’t borrow money. And even once you have all that bullsh!t cleared up and you can drive again (if possible), your insurance will be so high, you’ll have to take on a second job just to be legal. So unless you’re Paris Hilton-rich, be prepared to eat sh!t for a long time to come.

The 10 Most Ridiculous Table Manners

Having manners is important – it shows that you take care in what you do, and have respect for the people around you. And at no time are manners more observed than around the dinner table. But it’s about damn time we admit that some of these manners are just plain crazy, out of date, and completely unnecessary. Fortunately, the brave trend-setters at Buzzfeed.com have put together a list of the stupidest table manners, and how you can avoid falling victim to their tricky traps.

Check out The 10 Most Ridiculous Table Manners, here!