Just in Time for President’s Day! Anti-Obama Outerwear!

President Obama has brought to the forefront an entire cross-section of the country we’d thought had gone away. No, I’m not talking about douchey liberals, I’m talking about genuine racists. Not republicans, or even tea-baggers (sheesh- who came up with that one), but 100% unmistakable, cross burnin’, sheet over head wearing (not as a Charlie Brown Ghosts) racists.

The best part? They’re selling t-shirts!

A search of CafePress.com for the quoted phrase “anti obama” pulls in twenty-nine thousand results. Most of these are as basic as anti-Bush t-shirts were – Obama & Hitler hanging out, Obama & Osama Bin Laden Chilling, “Buck Ofama” (a direct parody of “Buck Fush”). Then we have…

Calling a politician a bum’s nothing new, and this t-shirt would be fine if they’d dressed up Obama as, say, Marv from Home Alone. But the point of this t-shirt is “black man smoking cigarette = homeless person.” Unconvinced? Check out…

Now I’m well aware that “drank the kool-aid” can be explained as a reference to Jonestown cultists drinking poisoned kool-aid. But “Sucka?” Really? Can we imagine an anti-Bush t-shirt with the word “sucka” on it? With the addition of the word sucka, the kool-aid reference comes into sharp focus as – yes – the sterotyping of black people enjoying fried chicken, water-melon and kool-aid. It gets better:

Hey, it’s a reference linking Obama with drug sales! You know, like the drugs that black people sell! This t-shirt isn’t, “Obama used to use coke”, this t-shirt is, “Obama sure loves selling coke!”

This t-shirt, entitled “Not A Racial Thing,” stands to directly rebut articles like this one. Now, contrast it with…

This t-shirt says, “Obama’s race is exactly and obviously the problem, dumbass! The guy’s middle name is Muslim, ‘Nuff said! So which is it, twenty nine thousand designs on cafe-press, is his race a problem or not?

Nevermind, loud and clear, his race is a problem for you guys.

But why stop here? If you find any fun, racist anti-obama t-shirts, reply to this posting with the links! Let’s shake Cafe-Press like a black president hating tree and see what we can find!  We’ll send the best find some stupid do-dad that some beggin’ PR type wanted us to write about – who knows – Maybe you could write about it!  We’re hiring! (Just no racists please . .  .or Scientologists j/k.)

Want to write for Coed Magazine?  Send an email and tell us why you’d kick ass to Editor@teamcoed.com.  You’ll be glad you did (two words: Fine Chicks)

The Second Stimulus: A Secret Stimulus?

Unemployment’s officially at 10%, and even that’s a low number – government unemployment statistics don’t cover people who’ve grown so disillusioned they’ve stopped looking for jobs (which reportedly accounted for 661,000 Americans last month).

Seeing as the first stimulus was largely seen as a giveaway to the banks, Team Obama is readying a second stimulus. Only…they can’t call it that. Calling it a second stimulus would be an indication that the first stimulus didn’t work. At best, this will be referred to more benignly as “additional stimulus,” which isn’t completely true – the second stimulus will be huge. Here’s what to expect:

*(Another) Extension of Unemployment Benefits: This was part of the 154 billion dollar “Job Creation Package” which passed the House at the end of 2009. For some, this will be their third or fourth extension of unemployment benefits, but the administration doesn’t really have a choice here – without the fort-nightly check, the unemployment rolls would look more like bread lines. Unless the unemployment keeps rolling, we’ll have an unprecedented number of people moving back home .  . . or out on the street.

*COBRA Extension: No, I’m not talking about the international terrorist group bent on global domination! COBRA (Consolidated Omnibus Budget Reconciliation Act) is a program that allows you to buy into your former employer’s health insurance plan. Traditionally the time you’re allowed on the plan is limited, but seeing as nobody’s finding jobs that will allow them to then go off COBRA, Congress extended it at the end of 2009.

*Cash For Clunkers 2.0: Remember Cash for Clunkers? Expect it to rev back into action in 2010, as it was an exceedingly popular program. Who would have thought that free money for a new car might encourage people to buy new cars?

*First Time Homebuyer Credit Extension: Another popular program, expect this to return. The government likes this plan because, according to theory, buying a new house stimulates the entire economy. New homebuyers need to buy stuff for their new homes, and will hire tradesmen to install new stuff, or paint over stuff, or expand out stuff. I hope you’re impressed by my highly technical language here.

*New Jobs Tax Credit: Expect to see some kind of jobs tax credit in 2010, which is a cash or tax incentive provided by the government to employers when they hire more people.

*Free Tequila Credit: Will likely not pass the House as nobody there is cool enough.  But if they were they would drink this.

Sources: Robert Reisch, CNN

The 10 Hottest Girls Of The 2010 Winter Olympics

All rise for the presentation of our national beauties! The Olympics are good for two things – watching America grab gold medal after gold medal, and watching even hotter Olympians breaking world records for sexiness. Check out this gallery of the ten hottest ice Olympo-maniacs our dedicated research staff  could find.  And do not miss our special Olympo Maniac Daily features!  Every day this week we’re featuring a single super sexy Olympic superstar in an exclusive gallery!  Do not miss a single day!  It’s like Pok’eMon with hot chicks – Gotta Catch’em All!

To Trade Pok’eMon Cards or get exclusive Coed Content by email send your full info to Editor@teamcoed.com.

Where Singles Should Avoid On Valentine’s Day

For the single, Valentine’s Day is a minefield. Happy couples walking the streets, holding hands and laughing, are just one of the groups you’ll want to mercilessly throttle for the crime of being annoying. Where can the single seek refuge? Not many places, but here’s a list of locations you’ll definitely want to avoid:

Restaurants

No matter how hungry you are, do not enter any location where food is served by waiters or waitresses. The moment the guy holding the violin comes to your table, your self esteem dies a horrible death. Ditto the guy selling roses. Watching dressed up girls swallow glass after glass of red wine will make you so jealous that flipping over your table in disgust will go from “alarming” to “expected.”

Instead, go to McDonald’s – specifically the drive through – for food that day. Don’t forget that any shamrock shake can be made more Irish with a liberal application of whiskey – a surefire way to chase away the blues!

Movie Theaters

There’s no such thing as a safe movie to see on Valentine’s Day. Horror movies exist to allow women to leap into the arms of men, and serious dramas feed the intellectual requirements of nerd-y couples. Even boring political documentaries are unsafe, as you’ll see socially conscious couple after socially conscious couple making out on the aisles, their passion fueled by global injustice.

This is the perfect night for Netflix, because any trip to Blockbuster will put you right in the middle swooning over each others rental choices, and you swooning to the bathroom to expel your McDonald’s Shamrock shake.

Coffee Shops

These will be filled with single men hitting on anyone – or anything – that walks in with a laptop and a latte addiction.  Besides, those girls are probably taken anyway, so you’re just wasting your time – and $6 for the “quad venti soy suger free vanilla late with” that’s walking out the door with you rpride, hopes and dreams.  But it’s not over!   What’s even worse about WarBuck’s is that couples come in for libido fueling pre-sex coffee.  This will undoubtedly infuriate everyone in the place. Avoid avoid avoid coffee shops. Instead, enjoy the great coffee of your local McDonald’s drive through! I swear to god, this article was not sponsored by McDonald’s, unless they’re interested, in which case “Yes I am for sale”, and very affordable.  I even have a dollar menu.

Anywhere That Is Not Your Room

The outside world is filled with happy couples, whereas your room has never experienced anything of the kind! Make sure not to leave your room under any circumstances – perhaps the World of Warcraft, where you can buy a girlfriend with gold, is a better fit for you. Might I recommend watching as many episodes of The Simpson’s as you can before passing out miserable and alone? The sky’s the limit when you’re inside!

Make sure not to look out any windows, though – happy couples love to skip by the houses of the lonely. Instead, draw your shades as tight as they’ll go, and pretend the outside world doesn’t even exist! Why, I’m doing that right now as I write this!  I have my place boarded up like Night of the Living dead – In fact!  Shoot people in love in the head!  It’s the only way they won’t come back.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have go “Bridge Shopping” because if I’m alone next year too – I’m jumping!

- Happy Valentine’s Day!

Saint Valentine Was Grusomely Beheaded. Happy Valentine’s Day!

Ah, Valentine’s Day. Roses, chocolates, gruesome beheadings…wait, what? Yeah, that’s right, here’s something Hallmark doesn’t play up in its yearly February cash grab – Saint Valentine, of course, became a saint due to martyrdom. Back then, sainthood wasn’t handed out unless you got murdered horrifically in the name of the Lord, and Saint Valentine was no exception.

During the reign of Claudius Gothicus (who loved The Cure), Valentinus was a priest caught marrying Christian couples. At the time, helping Christians was considered giving aid and comfort to enemies of the state, so he was arrested.

Here’s where it gets interesting – Claudius began to take a liking to Valentinus in prison! They became really chummy, which is odd considering Claudius arrested him in the first place. What broke up these bosom buddies? Valentinus made a play to convert the Emperor himself.

As Admiral Adama says, sometimes you gotta roll the hard six. This particular roll, however, came up snake eyes – Claudius became enraged, and ordered Valentinus beaten with clubs and stoned. Miraculously (no pun intended), Valentinus survived the assault, leading to his beheading outside the Flaminian Gate. The year in which this transpired is up for debate – some say 269, some say 270 or 273, but the beheading’s beyond dispute.

Here’s where it gets even more interesting – there are actually seven Saint Valentine’s! From Wikipedia:

“The Catholic Church’s official list of recognized saints, the Roman Martyrology lists seven: a martyr (Roman priest or Terni bishop?) buried on the Via Flaminia (February 14); a priest from Viterbo (November 3); a bishop from Raetia who died in about 450 (January 7); a fifth-century priest and hermit (July 4); a Spanish hermit who died in about 715 (October 25); Valentine Berrio Ochoa, martyred in 1861 (November 24); and Valentine Jaunzarás Gómez, martyred in 1936 (September 18).”

Weird, wild stuff. So the next time your girlfriend complains you weren’t romantic enough on Valentine’s Day, remind her not to lose her head about it. Zing!

10 Offensive Valentines To Ruin Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day – a holiday shoved down our throats by an uncaring cards and chocolates industry. You think people celebrated Valentine’s Day 100 years ago? Of course not, they were just trying to survive! But now that it’s here, we can at least choose to celebrate it on our terms – here are ten valentine sentiments sure to freeze the melted heart:

—–

FRONT: I love you so much that…

INSIDE: Nah, j/k.

—–

FRONT: With us, Cupid’s Arrow struck true…

INSIDE: but then that second arrow hit your sister, who’s way hotter than you.

Soooo cya!.

—–

FRONT: Tonight, let’s celebrate our love…

INSIDE: Of sleeping alone because your jiggly legs are great in the air but lousy under the covers.

—–

FRONT: A loaf of bread, a jug of wine…

INSIDE: And you, getting out of my car. We’re done here.  Lose my number Fat Ass.

—–

FRONT: I saw you across a crowded room and thought “Hello Dream boat”

INSIDE:  . . .the I put on my glasses and said yeesh . . .shipwreck.

—–

FRONT: This Valentine’s Day, I Will  Be The Romeo and You Will be  My Juliet?

INSIDE: So drop dead.  Rat Poison Under sink.  Use it.

—–

FRONT: You’re the only one for me…

INSIDE: In all honesty, though, you’re the fourth person I’ve given this card to, so in reality not only doesn’t it mean much, but the future doesn’t bode well.

—–

FRONT: I’m sending you on a trip!

INSIDE: Headfirst, down the stairs!

—–

FRONT: My heart beats for thee…

INSIDE: [CARD'S SENTIMENT ONLY GOOD IF RECIPIENT IS JESSICA BIEL]

—–

FRONT: Happy Valentine’s Day!

INSIDE: Now look, I served my time, the holidays are over, so please – pack your crap and get the fudge out of my apartment – pront-effin-tissimo please.  Thank you.

—–

FRONT: I love You So Much I’d Do Anything for You!

INSIDE: If You Feel the Same, I’ve been fantasizing about a threesome with your friend Liz.  Could you hook that up or what?

Olympo Maniacs! Kristi Leskinen: The New Miracle On Ice

The Miracle On Ice is one of the most storied and celebrated sports matches of all time. During the 1980 olympics, a group of unproven US college kids went up against the greatest hockey team in the world – the Russians – and won.

Throw that miracle in the garbage, because there’s a New Miracle On Ice – Kristi Leskinen. Looking at her causes certain phrases to come to mind – phrases like “I’d ski up her slopes any day,” for example, or “I’d love to get my hands on her ski poles.” Those are disgusting, deplorable sentiments that have no place in the grand olympic tradition, and you should be ashamed for thinking them.

Now let’s ogle this chick!

Still With Team CoCo: 5 More Great Conan O’Brien Moments

Welcome to part two of “I’m With Team CoCo,” COED Magazine’s look back at the best moments of Conan O’Brien. Here come five more great moments from Late Night With Conan O’Brien:

1. Finnish Underwear Exhibit:

2. The Blizzard:

3. Apartment Hunting:

4. Long Sports Chanter:

5. Late Night Jesus Statues:

The Democratic Health Care Plan In Plain English

Like it or lump it, the Democrats will probably get their health care plan. There are still some hurdles – the biggest being the need to reconcile the House and Senate bills in conference – but the two bills start out with 80% agreement.

Why then all the political theater about the differences between the House and Senate bills? Posturing, mostly – Senators Ben Nelson & Joe Lieberman wanting to look like outsiders. Nevertheless, we’ve got a very clear idea of what health care reform will look like – here’s the bullet points:

*Young adults will be able to stay on their parents health insurance policies until age 26. This is awesome – most kids right out of college can’t afford health insurance, and can’t find a job that’ll give them one. And speaking of employer based health insurance…

*If you have health insurance from your employer, no big changes. Also, feel free to hold the fact that you get health insurance from your employer over your friends heads, as nobody is getting this anymore.

*Insurance companies will be forced to come up with a binding appeals process – that way, if you get denied coverage by your insurer, you’ll have legal recourse beyond banging the phone on the table, or crying.

*Catastrophic high-rick insurance will be made available right away. This is for people with pre-existing conditions (like me, your sleep-apnea’d author) who, due to our high-risk, can’t get health insurance for any cheaper than $500/month (thanks, Blue Cross!) or simply can’t get it at all (thanks, Kaiser Permanente!)

*If you don’t have the money for health insurance, or have pre-existing conditions, you’ll also be able to buy insurance from a regulated marketplace called an Insurance Exchange. This’ll take a while to get off the ground, but it’ll have limits on out of pocket expenses, and looks to be pretty comprehensive. I’m very much looking forward to hanging out in this gigantic Insurance Exchange.

*If you’re on Medicare or Medicaid, you’re not reading this article.

That’s the short and the short of it. Will any of this work at all? Who knows – because Congress is involved, I have my doubts. But hey, we’ll all find out together over the next few years – let’s hope this thing works!

Source: NPR’s Fresh Air & The New Republic’s Jonathan Cohn (http://www.npr.org/templates/transcript/transcript.php?storyId=122483567)

I’m With CoCo: 5 Great Lost Conan O’Brien Moments

This Douchebag took my job. No, no, no, this douchebag too my job.

In the war with Jay Leno, I’m with Team CoCo. Why? The guy’s just funnier. Sure he’s got the moral high ground, but he’s also got the chops – an ex-SNL writer, ex-Simpsons writer, celebrated prankster for the Harvard Lampoon…who better to host The Tonight Show than he?

Well, to prove this, here are five great moments from Late Night With Conan O’Brien:

1. The Interrupter!!:

2. Conan O’Brien Harvard Graduation Speech

3. Conan Helps During The Transit Strike:

4. Conan O’Brien At FAO Schwartz:

5. Conan Hosts The Emmy’s For The Second Time:

24: Season 8 Revealed

That sound you hear? It’s the sound of millions of men canceling their weekend plans, as Season 8 of 24 starts this Sunday night at 9! As usual, the show kicks off with a 2-night 4-hour premiere, but the similarities end there – this season, Jack’s in New York City.

“You need to pay attention to this.”

For those of you who’ve been living in a cave that’s also underwater that’s also on the moon, 24 follows the adventures of Counter Terrorism Unit (CTU) agent Jack Bauer, a tough-as-nails government spy who’ll do whatever it takes to protect the country. The show operates in real time – every episode represents an hour out of one long, hellacious day for our hero.

Last season introduced his new partner, the sexy and fearless Renee Walker, and brought back his trusted handler Chloe O’Brian. CTU had been officially disbanded, but the three of them fought anyway, beating impossible odds to stop terrorist attacks aimed at halting a US invasion of a fictional African country.

Actress Annie Wersching, who plays CTU's Renee Walker

Of course, this being 24, things weren’t nearly that straightforward. Double crosses and triple crosses were the norm, while new friends and old enemies converged to form the mother of all conspiracies. Evil military contractors, a shadow government and a computer skeleton key called the “CIP Device” were all in play, but in the end, Jack saved the day.

“I don’t work for the government anymore.”

While knowledge of old seasons is a plus, every season is also written and designed to be accessible to new fan, and Season 8 is no exception. The Big Apple season starts with Jack Bauer, retired and caring for his daughter and granddaughter in New York City. He’s getting ready to move back to Los Angeles and begin his familial life when a desperate man corners him, begging for his help.

The unknown agent provides Jack Bauer with critical information about an assassination plot to take place during a meeting at the UN between Middle East leader Omar Hassan (Slumdog Millionaire’s Anil Kapoor) and US President Allison Taylor (Emmy award winner Cherry Jones).

“This is going down now. Innocent lives are at stake.”

Naturally, Jack wants nothing to do with this – he’s a grandfather now just looking to move on with this life. But this being 24, it’s not long before Jack’s all conquering sense of duty kicks in, putting Jack – with Chloe and Renee at a newly reconstituted CTU – on the trail of the assassins.

“Who are you people?”

A new CTU brings new faces, the most exciting addition being Battlestar Galactica’s Katiee Sackhoff as Dana Walsh, CTU’s new computer expert with a dark past. Expect the secrets of her character to be revealed over the course of the season, but also expect immediate tension with Chloe. Dana’s in charge of CTU’s computers now, and Chloe’s a few years behind – meaning the season should begin with Chloe hating her right away.

Katee Sackhoff, who plays CTU's Dana Walsh

An interesting real world development from this season will be the introduction of Arlo Glass, played by John Boyd. Arlo’s a military drone pilot – when we think of drones, we usually think of Afghanistan or Iraq, but Arlo’ll be piloting one of those killer machines right through the skyscrapers and tunnels of New York City. We’re so used to Chloe hacking into “keyhole satellites” at this point, the introduction of these mini-death planes brings an interesting new take on aerial surveillance.

CTU’s rebirth was not without controversy within the US Government – allusions are made to CTU head Brian Hastings (Boomtown’s Mykelti Williamson) putting himself on the line to get the organization reactivated, and the consequences of his sacrifices to bring CTU online will play out over the course of the season.

With a new CTU comes a new badass agent, played by…Freddy Prinze Jr? Yes, that’s right, with a new season of 24 comes another attempt to create a mini-Jack Bauer who can hopefully take over the franchise (as this is star Sutherland’s eighth season) – hopefully he won’t be crammed down fans throats like Ricky Schroeder was in Season 6.

“Take the shot!”

All seasons of 24 go through some kind of massive rescripting halfway through the season, so I can honestly say: not even the executive producers know where Season 8 is going. But I do know that America’s in for a hell of a ride.

Can’t Wait?

Here’s a list of 24 Season 8 Funstuff, Trailers and behind the scenes stuff.  Get ready to get Jacked New York.

24 Season 8 Behind the Scenes featurette.

Season 8 Trailer

Interview with Keifer Sutherland