What A Woman’s Age Says About Her

Women, am I right, fellas? For those bachelors, Brett Favres, or Tiger Woods navigating the “scenery”, knowing a woman’s age is a tremendously helpful indicator of where their head’s at. Women are reluctant to give up this number once it reaches a certain level and that’ll inhibit your ability to effectively navigate. Face it, women are vulnerable. The more intel you have on one, the more “damage” you could do to them (at least, in their eyes). Here’s a field guide covering the various stages of womanhood. Pamela Anderson will serve as our subject.

18-20

These are young, confused girls who think WAY too much.  Beware they tend to get angry and irrational quickly.   One wrong move and you end up with your member super glued to your leg.

21-24

It’s an interesting age.  Lots of alcohol consumption.  Girls are in relationships toward the end of their college days and those relationships either end because you realize college relationships are mostly about convenient sex or they do something dumb like get married.  However, there’s one good thing these relationships do for girls.  It makes them easier.  It gets them into having lots of sex.  The sort of thing they want to continue doing.

25-28

This one sucks.  This is where they realize they’ve been acting like a slut for the last 6 years and want to get some of their self-respect back.  They’ve now hit their “quarter life crisis”.  Marriage is on their mind.  They don’t want to be a one night stand anymore.  They’ve been there and done that.  It’s time to grow up.  It’s no wonder this is the age when most girls get married.  Biological clocks are ticking.

29-35

I love this age.  Love it, love it, love it.  These ladies are plain awesome.  They’re comfortable with themselves.  They stop caring about what other people think.  They love having sex.  They are at the point where their number of partners matter less and less.  At this point they stop playing games. They are experienced in bed.  These are the women you want to date.  Oh, they also tend to have more money.  I’m not saying sugar mama, but you don’t have to pick up the tab quite as often.

35+

Damaged goods, crazy, divorced, or a diamond in the rough.  Nothing in between.

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How To Tell Your Friend His Girlfriend Sucks

We’ve all been there.  Your buddy tells you he has met some “great girl” and he can’t wait to introduce you to her.  Inevitably, she’s terrible.  She nags.  She’s loud. She laughs like a damn hyena.  High maintenance.  And you’re not sure, but you think you may have seen a Girls Gone Wild clip of her from Cancun 2006.   To make things worse her friends meet up with you and they all resemble Ugly Betty. You need to tell your friend this chick has got to go.  Here’s how:

1. Get him drunk, introduce him to the dumbest, easiest girl you can find at the bar.  Your job is done, my friend, and so is his relationship.

2. Tell him you heard a rumor that she has herpes.

3. Ask him about the last relationship she was in.  It’ll drive him nuts.  Eventually he finds out she cut off the head of a teddy bear and left it on her ex’s doorstep.

4. Let him know she has an abnormal number of male friends on her Facebook page.  All of whom appear to be “poking” her.

5. You tell him – Have you seen her mother?  That is one large woman.  I don’t even see any ankles.  You know she is going to look like that in 3 or 4 years.

6. Or you tell him – So she went home with you on the first night?  Oh boy, I wonder how many other times she got drunk and did that?  She sure does drink a lot.

7. Of course, you could level with him.  Tell him the truth.  Let him know you think she is not right for him.  But let’s be honest.  That never works.

10 Reasons You Should Never Go To The Same Bar Twice

Why do we keep going to the same bar over and over again where we have to play by the rules?  Sometimes, one just wants to go out and get nuts once in a while.  Get out of hand and get tossed from the bar.  Sometimes, we want to get outside our comfort zone and meet new people.

There is a world of drinking establishments out there.  Let me list for you the reasons to try them all.

1. See that hot bartender?  If you aren’t going back to that bar it is more than OK for you to stare at her tits all night.

2. You know how you took home that moose last week?  Fat girls need love too, but you don’t want to run into her again.

3. Slapping the waitress’ ass is not a good idea, but it sure does seem like a good idea after your 9th beer.   After she slaps you and the bouncer tosses you move on to the next bar.

4. You can chant “Frank the Tank!!!!  Frank the Tank!!!” as loud as you want if you are never going back.

5. After your team loses and you fight each and every fan of the opposing team you may want to lick your wounds elsewhere the following week.

6. Sometimes it takes a bartender a while to get to you.  When that happens calling him a “D-bag slob” is appropriate.  However, so is never returning to that bar.  Ever again.

7. If you are never going back you can vomit in the corner.  Same goes for peeing.  Though that is typically not appreciated.  But who cares?  You are never going back!

8. I’m not saying you should stiff the bartender, but let’s be honest, if the service sucks tipping should not be at the standard rate.

9. You can hit on anything and everything with a pulse if you aren’t going back.  Make a fool of yourself.  Get those fake numbers.

10. Life is all about experiencing new things.  Go to dive bars, sports bars, shady bars, strip clubs, lounges, swanky clubs, bars where you can spit on the floor, bars where you have to wear shoes, bars where you can hang out with your shirt off, bars where you have to wear a jersey, and bars where you might just meet your next ex-girlfriend.

Enjoy them all!

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