How to Keep Loafing After Graduation

By Jeff

You can try putting it off by switching majors or reducing your semester workload, but it’s inevitable – eventually you’ll collect enough passing grades to graduate. Our society views this sheet of paper as a marvelous accomplishment, but if you’re a slacker like me, it’s a kiss of death.

Why? Because college is a non-stop party with a refreshingly minimal amount of responsibilities. Dorm life, coeds, beer pong, football, 2 am Taco Bell, coeds – these are the best years of your life, my friend (even your parents will tell you that). And that diploma is going to ruin it all by forcing you to grow up and get a “real” job.

At least, that’s what is supposed to happen. In the famous words of Geoffrey the Giraffe, “I don’t want to grow up,” I’m a lazy ass kid. And lucky for all you other lazy kids out there, I’ve managed to pry myself away from my Arrested Development DVDs long enough to help you avoid being an adult for a few more years. Here are some tips that will keep you coasting and out of that suit and tie:

1. Find a host

The first step in after-college loafing is finding a place to sleep for free. The most obvious choice is to move back home with the parents, but if you’ve got a 3-foot bong that needs to be on display, then that probably won’t work. You could sleep on friends’ couches if they’re cool enough, but they’ll get sick of you eventually and it could ruin the friendship. Personally, I moved in with my girlfriend after college. I know this living situation brings up a whole host of other problems, but it worked for me (granted, she had a good job and a great ass). If you’re too ugly to have any friends or a girlfriend, another option is couchsurfing.com.

2. Fake a job search

No matter where you live, it will be under the pretenses that you aren’t contributing to rent (or human society) because you’re currently unemployed. Parents, girlfriends and probably even friends will expect you to actively be looking for a job while in their home. Unfortunately, performing a job search runs the risk of you actually landing a job. In contrast, not actively looking may get you kicked out of your free hotel. That’s why you’ve got to fake it to make it. Start by bookmarking Monster.com and displaying it on your toolbar for all to see. Click on it occasionally so it shows up in your recent history.

If anyone asks you how the job search is going, answer with this: “I’ll tell ya, looking for a job is a full-time job.” It gives the impression you’ve been at it all day. You can also use this phrase as an excuse when your mom asks you to mow the lawn or the girlfriend asks you to go grocery shopping.

3. Go on fake interviews

After awhile, your host will grow impatient and expect all those “hours” of job searching to yield some interviews. Don’t worry, you won’t actually have to. Simply throw on a suit, throw a couple blank pages in a folder (this is your “resume) and go hang out at the movie theater for awhile. When you come home, tell everyone “it wasn’t a good fit” or “they seemed really interested” and then never bring it up again.

4. Get a fake profession

A fake job search will only get you so far. If you really want to enjoy long-term freedom, you’ve got to go for broke and actually “land” a job. This might mean throwing your PSP in a briefcase and hanging out at the park all day. But a better course of action is to get a stay at home job. For example, I told my girlfriend I was going to be a writer. It’s been months now and I’ve yet to write the first paragraph of my “epic novel.” Other possible fake professions include microbrewer, painter and musician. Notice all of these don’t earn a paycheck up front, so the lack of income won’t cause suspicion. If you play your cards right, you’ll be watching daytime TV for years to come.