10 Totally Selfish Reasons It Sucks to Get a DUI

This is no joke – drunk driving kills or injures tens of thousands of people every year, ruining families and destroying innocent lives. It’s a foolish, needless act that has such dire consequences, getting behind the wheel while you’re even a little tipsy is an idiotic endeavor. But it’s not just others who suffers from drinking and driving – it’s mostly you. To give you an idea of how much it actually sucks, here are 10 totally selfish (but completely valid) reasons it sucks to get a DUI.

1. Injuring or killing somebody

If you think the dude you ran over got the crap end of the deal, you’re right, he did. But the pain and agony doesn’t end there. The guilt of causing damage to other people and their families will f**k with your head for years. And before you know it, you’ll have slipped into deep depression, lost your job and started sucking d*ck in an alley to support your meth habit – the only thing that allows you to for get your pain. You know, or you just feel like a complete asshole for the rest of your life. Either way, it blows.

2. Calling Your Parents From Jail

When thinking back on how well they fared as parents, a few moments stand out more than any others. And now, one of those moments is getting your dumbass call from jail. Way to go, sport. Plus, if you drank way too much, you’ll be sent to the hospital, forcing you to drag them into the charming scenario of having a cop sit by your bedside while you rehydrate. It’s called a bedside arraignment, and it will make you want to chop your head off.

3. Flying to Another State to Go to Court

Obviously, this only applies if you’re busted in another state from where you live. But if you do, get a frequent flier membership, because you’re going to be traveling back to that place enough to make you swear to never drive through there again. (You know, if you’re ever allowed to drive again…)

4. Feeling Like You’re Back In Middle School

Since most people get their license when they’re still a teenager, they’ve forgotten what it’s like to have the ability to go wherever they want, when they want. But all that comes suddenly rushing back like a clogged septic tank when they take your license away. And to really rub in your sorry lot in life, you now have to constantly ask other people for a lift anytime you want to go more than a bicycle ride away. Pretty soon, you’ll be asking your mom for money to the movies and fingerbanging your girlfriend. (OK, you were already fingerbanging your girlfriend.)

5. Can’t Drink Without Looking Like a Lush

Even compared to someone who gets hilariously wasted every weekend, there’s nothing like a booze-soaked moving violation to make you seem like a raging alcoholic. Pretty soon, whenever you pick up a beer, people will start giving you the evil eye and jokingly telling you to “stay out from behind the wheel.” And before you know it, people you’ve never met are calling you a drunk, even if your little mishap was just a freak occurrence. But really, what can you say?

6. Wasting Years of Your Life

This isn’t something you can take care of on a Monday afternoon. This takes years. Expect to spend months (at best), dealing with court proceedings, countless hours talking to your lawyers and days spent in lines flowing deeps into the horrid pits of your state’s government agencies. Not to mention the extra time it now takes because you can’t drive anywhere. When it’s all said and done, you would have wasted less time committing yourself to masturbating 100 times-per-day than if you try to drive home after one too many.

7. Explaining That You “Really Weren’t That Drunk”

Getting a DUI is so stigmatized that the first thing people think of when they hear what happened is you mowing down a family of four while sloppily chugging a bottle of Jack, even if you only got busted because of a checkpoint. But since in your mind you “really weren’t that drunk,” you’ll find yourself repeating this mantra to people over and over, until one day you realize that still, nobody believes you. Problem is, you believed you were cool to drive if you flopped behind the wheel in the first place, so it’s no wonder you sound like you’re full of sh!t.

8. Attending Drunk School

In some states, you’ll be offered the option of going to a type of “drunk school”, which is basically hell camp for people who get DUIs and can sometimes last three or four days, straight. However, it can also knock as much as half the suspension time off your sentence. And even though that’s technically a good thing, these horrid endeavors will leave you wondering if you got the good end of the deal. Unless, of course, you consider hanging out with 56-year-old winos and sleeping on a sh!tty cot a good way to spend a long weekend…

9. Telling People You Respect That You Have a DUI

Aside from your parents and peers knowing your capacity for making idiotic decisions, you’re probably going to have to tell some people, like your boss or potential new employers, that you either a) don’t have a driver’s license, which is weird and lame for its own reasons, or b) that you got a freakin’ DUI. Maybe there will be no consequence to this, but more than likely, doing so will haunt you far longer than you’ll be without a license.

10. It’s More Than Just The Fines

No surprise, it costs a lot of money if you get a DUI – everything from fines to court fees to lawyer costs start piling up in your debt department. But since you can’t drive, you can’t get to work. And if you can’t get to work, you can’t make money to pay off your mountain of DUI-related debt. Not only that, but if you can’t make money, you can’t get your license back – or buy food. So you’re basically f**ked – if you can’t borrow money. And even once you have all that bullsh!t cleared up and you can drive again (if possible), your insurance will be so high, you’ll have to take on a second job just to be legal. So unless you’re Paris Hilton-rich, be prepared to eat sh!t for a long time to come.