Things A Guy Should Never Have In His Room

Everyone has things in their room that other people may find questionable or weird, and of course there is the question of what should be hidden and what is okay to keep in plain sight. Some guys take precautions to “girlfriend proof” their room, which according to Urban Dictionary means: “to hide any objects that you would rather your girlfriend not see. These objects usually include porn, childish things (dolls, small toys, etc), and Pokemon memorabilia.” However, some things shouldn’t be around at all — not for your parents to find, your frat brothers, your wannabe girlfriend, or anyone that visits to see. In fact, some things are better meant hidden in the depths of your room where no soul could ever find them — and some things, well … they shouldn’t be there in the first place.

1. A Sock Collection: … And I’m not talking about a collection of socks in a drawer. Any sock that has a questionable substance in them or on them needs to be concealed. If socks are your friend with benefits, it doesn’t mean your floor should get in on the action afterwards. Hide that junk in the depths of your laundry basket. Also, having a collection of masturbatory socks in a trash bag or a plastic container anywhere rises eyebrows. Just wash them when you’re done — there is no need for self-lovin’ storage!

2. Stained Underwear: Everyone has a pair of grossly dirty and nasty underwear, but it doesn’t mean you should have it hanging over your desk chair for your roommates to see. Poop stains? Oh how lovely, let’s just hang out in your room with this all day. Do you want to be known as the kid that doesn’t wipe well enough? Didn’t think so — so either hide them well or ask your mom to send you some fresh and clean tighty-whities.

3. A box of condoms: There is nothing wrong with having condoms on hand, but do you really need a super-sized box of condoms? No. Not only does it make you look like an inexperienced teenager who doesn’t know what kind of condoms they like, it makes you look like you’re preparing for an end-of-the-world sex frenzy. Are you really going to blow through 100 condoms in one night? No. So, do what most guys do … buy a box from your local grocery store, use them, and then when you run out, get more. No need to keep a Costco sized box in your room, it only makes you look like you’re never getting laid.

4. Dating Books: Really, there should be no reason that you have a book entitled Ladies’ Man: A Complete Guide to Getting, Pleasing, and Keeping the Girl. Even if you hide the cover with duct-tape, it still doesn’t make the fact that you are reading about how to please a woman through a book. Want to read about sex? Invest in a magazine for some quick browsing, but not in-depth “how to have sex guides.” If you are reading this, chances are you’re not putting the advice to good use. Also, it looks a little suspicious if you have a collection of books on your desk and one with duct-tape on the cover. Hm…and do not highlight pages, i.e: “How to hit her G-Spot.” What are you planning to do? During the moment, grab the book and refer to the technique you read about.

5. Framed DUIs/ Mug Shots/ Speeding tickets / Academic Probation paper work: There is no need to hang up or display (proudly) your mistakes. Anyone that airs their dirty laundry like this is just asking for attention — negative attention. Who wants to know that you were going 85 in a 65? Showing off these mistakes is pointless. No one cares — unless you’re Lindsay Lohan.

6. Ex-girlfriend Left-Overs: If you are bringing a new girl back to your place, there is no excuse to have anything from your last girlfriend. Oh, how nice of you — you didn’t throw out her headbands that she left over, but three months later — it’s time. Want to make a girl lose her interest in you? Displaying your affection for someone else will do it. So, all the pictures need to come down, the love letters and anniversary gifts need to be put away or tossed aside, and it’s time to show that you’ve moved on. Oh, and hanging your sexual conquests left-over underwear around your room isn’t going to get you points!

7. A Detailed List of Women: If you have a list of women you’ve slept with or dated, that’s ok — just keep it in a journal or on your computer, someplace private. However, if you have some kind of detailed chart with their names,  phone numbers, weight, height, eye color, cup size, and sexual techniques, this is cause for concern — especially if you printed Facebook pictures to go along with your encounters and have it hanging out for anyone to read on your desk. Imagine if those details got into the wrong hands and around school.

8. Dirty Sheets: Your mom probably told you that washing your sheets on a regular basis is important. You actually should listen to her for a change. Although you may like sleeping in your filth, anyone with boobs is going to be suspicious if they get into a bed with stains and sex-scents galore. What are you going to do? Saying “Oh sorry, I didn’t get a chance to wash them after last week’s sorority girl was here” isn’t going to fly. Be proactive and keep them clean.

9. Sixth Grade Toys: Unless you met your lady at a Pokemon convention, there is no way she wants to see your collector’s Jiggly Puff card or your extensive collection of Yu-Gi-Oh cards. In fact, no one except sixth graders are into these things — so hide them. Again, unless you are the member of the Japanese anime club at school, don’t embrace this trend that was popular when you were in middle school as something to show off to your roommates or fraternity brothers.

10. An Extensive Porn Collection: Ok, so you have a few Playboy magazines under your bed — that’s okay. However, if you have a major collection of adult videos and books about fetishes, you may want to keep this to yourself. Bringing a girl home to your hardcore bondage video collection isn’t going to go well, unless you met her on Craigslist under the personal section for that specific purpose. It’s ok to be a freak in bed, but if you are going to display this 24/7, it leaves nothing to the imagination and will probably creep everyone around you out.