A Quick History of Why Men Like Boobs and Butts

By Lanceivar

Why do we love boobs so much? And for the ass men out there, what is so compelling about a tight, well-formed, luscious, perfect glutemus maximus? And thirdly, who cares as long as we get a good piece of each? Good, poignant, thought provoking queries. The first two we delve into below. The third one: you’re right, it really doesn’t matter as long as you’ve got a hand on at least one of them.  But aren’t you just a little curious?

If you believe in creationism, then the answer is simple: the big dude willed it be. God said to Adam “Thou shalt covet Boobs as a starving man desire’s bread!” and that was pretty much it. For those of us who aren’t so sure about that explanation, one theory that traces our genetic ancestry back a few hundred thousand years is enough to enlighten the inquisitive mind as to why we would be so interested in such things as the point of boob.

Just like in star wars, this story starts out a long time ago, in a land far far away (but not that far really), when our ancestors were covered in fur and walked on all fours. They had sex in the position that we would call “doggy style”, as most primates still do today, which some would consider the pinnacle of sexual evolution. And here you have the root of our love of the posterior: Ass is what they see during sex and those who become aroused by this view (ass-monkeys, if you will), will presumably seek this view more often, which results in more little ass-monkeys being born (vs. foot-monkeys, for instance). As the theory goes, we  retained this monkey obsession with the behind (check out these ass poses and tell me you don’t feel motivated to mate), but the love of boobs (and actually, boobs themselves), came later.

Over the course of generations, the ancient ass-loving primates began to change: they began to walk more and more upright, began losing their fur, and began listening to crappy music like Creed. This resulted in the Homo Sapiens we see around us today.  Now, this new ape differed from its predecessors in other ways too: it used elaborate tools (okay a sharp rock on the end of a stick might not seem so fancy, but it was cutting edge technology in 40,000 BC) and language. It also began having sex in the missionary position (one small step for man, one step backwards for sex) which the upright, two-legged frame now allowed. This kinky new face-to-face sex thing theoretically promoted bonding between the mating partners, which would increase the dude’s commitment to the fam and as a result increase the chance of off-spring surviving.

Now, since humans began making whoopie in the horizontal face to face position, what is a man looking at? Face and chest. So human females evolved in these areas to attract desirable males (in some cases they attracted females, which in turn attracted more men; score 1 for girl on girl). But how do you improve this view for an animal that has evolved over eons to really appreciate a great ass? Easy: you add the curves of a great ass! No surprise then that nice cleavage resembles a nice ass eh?

And there you have it. There really is a reason you can’t stop staring at the beautiful rack of the young woman sitting across from you on the subway. That is its whole purpose, actually: to get you interested in making babies, or at the very least in donating your seed. But be careful young ape, for the power of the boobs is strong. Just don’t neglect the fine booties out there; after all, it is your legacy.