The 8 Friends You Avoid

Is there anything more annoying than having to avoid a friend that you hate? It’s like stop calling me everyday and messaging me on Facebook all the time and showing up in my bedroom when I’m sleeping. No matter how mean you are or how many times you send out restraining orders, these are the friends that keep clawing their way back into our lives.

1. The Clinger
The clinger’s ability to latch on to you and never ever let go puts any reoccurring STD to shame. He’s running next to you at the gym, he’s ordering shots next to you a the bar, and he’s lathering right alongside you as your shower. Your subtle text messages, “do not come over tonight under any circumstances or I will torture and mutilate your body” don’t seem to have any impact on his willingness to always be right by your side.

2. The Pauper
The pauper actually gets herself off on complaining about being poverty-stricken, despite being comfortably middle class. It’s hard to avoid her since she’s been sleeping on your couch for the past 6 months – it’s not like she afford rent on top of going out every night. She’ll not only make you feel guilty about doing any shopping outside of the dollar store, but she’ll also make you feel like a complete a-hole for hesitating when she asks you to pick-up her bar tab, buy her new shoes, and get her a year-long Match.com membership.

3. The Millionaire
The millionaire not only inherited a gazillion dollars from his parents, but he also made a ton of money when he invented some kind of magnetically powered dildo that spoons after sex. He likes nothing more than to literally light a fire and burn money right in front of your eyes.  When he’s not using dollar bills as his personal toilet paper stash, he’s practicing condescending looks for when he encounters people who spend less than $150 on white undershirts.

4. The Ego Maniac
The Ego Maniac booked such a long power trip that you’re not sure that he’ll make it back in time to start his year-long expedition riding on the world’s highest horse. He doesn’t brush his teeth or walk down the stairs without calling you to tell you how well he did it. Needless to say, he’s not at all interested in your life unless he can somehow figure out how spin the recent death of your grandmother into a story of how the Starbucks barista complimented him on his coffee ordering skills.

5. The Planner
The planner is the ringleader of incredible fun and unforgettable good times within your group of friends. Or so she thinks in her head as she manically pencils in lunch dates and Facebook chat sessions six months from now. Everyone else refers to her as the Nazi that made you sleep on the sidewalk for a week while you waited in line for concert tickets that didn’t even sell out.

6. The Complainer
The complainer alternates between wallowing around in self pity and sighing until someone finally asks what’s wrong. And something is always wrong. His computer froze for 6 minutes at work or everyone keeps chanting Eeyore whenever he speaks or God forbid – his shoelace came untied when he was walking.

7. The Klepto
Forget leaving your wallet with her while you go to the bathroom or letting her spend time alone in your apartment unsupervised. The klepto will shamelessly pocket everything that’s not permanently attached to you. It’s absolutely amazing you how many times one of your possessions go missing just as the klepto finds the exact same one-of-a-kind item at some store on that street by that corner in that place.

8. The Social Media Junkie
Any amount of time spent with the social media junkie is meticulously recorded on Twitter and Facebook. Jake is meeting up with John. Jake is asking John what is up. Jake is wondering why John always has last minute work calls come whenever they hang out. Jake is so alone.

Follow this writer on Twitter