How To Name Your Band

Rock and roll: it used to be so easy. Slap together a  little be-bop, a little shoo-be-doo, a Suzy oh oh and a few rhymes, and you had a revolutionary hit. Then the drugs and the synthesizers; the anger and the hair; and the plaid shirts and irony came in waves, and we found ourselves in a confusing mess. What’s authentically cool? Who knows!

Same goes for rock and roll band names. Used to be, all you had to do was have a lead singer and a bunch of guys playing backup that were willing to be grouped together as faceless entity. Bill Haley and his Rockets. Buddy Holly and the Crickets. Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band. Hootie and the Blowfish (wait, he wasn’t named Hootie?!).

Now, it’s all gone to crap. It seems so random, why some band names work, and others die in utero on MySpace. But one things for sure: if you wanna have a hit, you gotta have a sick name. Wanna give the rock and roll life a try? Here’s a guide to naming your band.

1. Going Solo? Decide how many people will be in your band. If you’re a solo artist, stop right here. Often times, solo artists give themselves names bands might have, and then no one knows they’re solo artists, and then they aren’t so amazed with them, and don’t want to have groupie sex. Big mistake. To avoid this, use either a cool, European version of your name (Christophers, you are now Kris, etc.) or just go one name, like Madonna or Prince or Lady Gaga (Lady is a royal title, FYI).

2. Duet? If there’s just two of you, that’s easy: Milli Vanilli. Done.

3. Hardcore metal: Here’s where you want to be edgy, to shock the masses. They’re used to things like KC and the Sunshine Band, so it’s time to assault their senses. The only real choice? Taint Vomit. Individually gross, and when combined, exponentially so. You’ve gotta be badass to call yourselves Taint Vomit, and wearing your shirt will be a surefire way for any rebellious kid to shock his parents at dinner.

4. Rock to Death! Death Metal Band? Easy fix. Lucifer’s Taint Vomit. Also poses a question: is it taint vomit that belongs to Lucifer, Lucifer’s vomit in someone’s taint, or someone’s vomit in Lucifer’s taint? Always good to keep them guessing.

5. Try The Ol Classic:  A “The” Band: You have to take yourselves seriously here. This is for real self-important types. Some of the greatest acts ever are “The” bands. You know, The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, The Band. More recently, The Strokes. Sticking “The” in front of something automatically gives you cred. Never a bad choice, unless you name yourselves something like The Asswipes. Although that’s hipster ironic.

6. Visit the Zoo: If you’re still searching, consider a newer trend in indie rock: bands named after animals. Band of Horses, Grizzly Bear, Frightened Rabbit, and broad-reaching Animal Collective. How about Moose Knuckle? No? Well, you get the idea. Indie hipster = animal band. You’ll have a 45% better shot of ending up on someone’s tumblr blog or something.

7. Random Nouns: Okay, at this point, just start putting random nouns together. Hey, it worked for Vampire Weekend. Hula Hoop Smorgasbord, anyone?