How To: Have Sex In A Car

By Lukemarlowe

Nothing says “I love you” like a sweat-stained, back-scratched, toe-curled, romp in your Dads Hummer. Perhaps more accurately, car sex says “I can’t wait to get back to the dorm so why don’t we just get it on here” or my personal favorite “let me assure you that this, whatever this is, is not turning into a relationship”. Backseat ugly bumping has some serious advantages over your more typical coitus locations, and describing the reasons why you would want to engage in four-wheeled fornication is akin to asking Scrooge Mcduck why he loves diving into a pool of his own gold doubloons; because he can.

Whatever your reason for wanting some Toyota Torpedoing (insert “can’t stop” joke here), there is no denying that sex in any public place poses its problems for the randy philanderer. Worry no more, because here at COED magazine we sympathize with your plight, and offer you the following rules for making sure that your next Ford Fusion doesn’t crash and burn.

1. Location, Location, Location

While your grandparents may have had a ‘swell ol’ time” up at Lookout Point, the truth of the matter is that unless there is some risk of getting caught you might as well be having sex in a locked bedroom. Abandoned camp grounds, empty streets, and your own driveway, do not offer the adrenaline fueled anxiety that is necessary for the perfect quickie. For those who are just beginning their foray into the automotive, I would recommend the crowded parking lot. It offers just enough fear of getting caught to intensify the moment, as well as the safety and comfort of being surrounded by other cars. A mid-range enthusiast might enjoy the octane proximity of the break-down lane on the highway — high risk, high reward. To the Volvo veteran who is just looking for his next car sex fix there is but one option, the “Charlie Sheen” i.e The hottest car Chase scene in history.

2. Screw going Green, go SUV

You look over at her with a knowing glance, she unclasps her hand from yours and scratches your arm, hinting at both of your desires. Oh no, your Prius is only getting 45 mpg’s, better take this baby back up to 55. A scene out of the weirdest romance novel ever? Maybe, but the truth is that if you are crammed into a nature loving, eco micro-machine, the only thing you are conserving is your own fruity-ness. Ditch the ‘save the planet’ attitude for one evening and get into an automobile that extends your options (trunk, backseat, front seat), not limits them (masturbating at home, crying, and eating a ham sandwich… at the same time).

3. Weather Report: Avoiding a Cold Front

What does the weather have to do with your Mini Cooper going full throttle with her Gelandewagen? More than you think. If it’s cold outside when you start heating it up, your windows are going to fog up and create the perfect perspiration shield for your nasty deed, or your shot for shot remake of that weird scene in Titanic. Of course, if the temp gets too hot inside and you happen to have a leather interior, you’re going to run into some movement binding sweat friction which could upset your Daewoo darling. Keep the A/C on low and you’ll be sure to keep your rpm’s at their most optimal.

4. Get Creative

What’s the point of having sex in a transportation vehicle, if you’re only transporting her the to back seat for some uninspired missionary. You’ve got some serious tools at your disposal so don’t be afraid to use them. The front seats have adjustment buttons on the side which can and should be your best friend during the act, giving you the ability to change positions without doing any work.- go from reclined to upright in a matter of moments without any awkward limb shifting. If you’ve got a centrally located shifter, then you are in possession of the greatest mobile sex toy on the planet. Put the car in neutral and you will notice that the drive shifter is vibrating. Put the back of your forearm on top of this…you are now the proud owner of a Manual Stimulant the likes of which her second-drawer down vibrator has never seen. Congratulations.

5. Quick shot: Fear not

Sex in the car should be like a Lamborghini; superior handling, unsurpassed luxury, but above all Fast and Furious. Don’t worry about lasting forever because I promise you, she’s not. You’re having a quickie, and that’s exactly what it should be. Bedroom heroics are best saved for the bedroom, and this fact should make car sex that much more enticing. There isn’t any pressure to ‘go all night’ because if you did, the chances of getting caught by Joe-Lawmaker would be all but assured. Get in, and get out, just make sure that you take a moment to realize how mind-numbingly cool you are for taking part in this decades old top gear tradition.

And, there you have it, the most important advice I can give you before your sloppy jalopy journey. While this list may enhance your sexual auto undertakings, having a girl who is excited about this prospect is a pretty essential part of the process, and if you found her hold on tight, because it’s going to be a wild ride.