6 People You Meet In A Holding Cell

You’re out at a bar or a club with your boys and everybody’s three sheets to the wind. Things soon take a turn for the worse when  you see cops heading towards you.  Maybe they’re not…yeah, they’re definitely talking to you. You’re going to jail. At this point you’ve hopefully done something to deserve it. Now take it like a man. You’ll be out by the morning and you probably won’t get raped. While you’re there,  here’s a couple of characters to look out for and avoid.

The Annoyance

This guy won’t stop trying to convince you he’s innocent. You can tell he’s lying from the jump (and the vomit on his shirt), but he won’t stop talking. By the time you’re released in the morning everyone has heard the story at least twice.

The problem with this guy is…

He’s annoying as hell. Look guy, I got my own problems over here, I’m not trying to sympathize with you. And to top it off, he’s full of crap. This guy really thinks that if he keeps saying he didn’t do anything wrong, eventually they’re gonna to cut him loose. Who are you trying to convince. Besides, I’m not on the effin jury.

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The Bum

There’s always at least two bums in a holding cell at any given time. Although I believe the preferred term is “man of the town.” He’s a lot like the regular in that he’s been here a million times and will always offer unwanted advice. But for the most part he’s too busy living it up. With showers, food, and shelter from stray dogs, holding is like med life for this guy.

The problem with this guy is…

He’s just having too much fun for someone being punished. Being in jail sucks for us, but we messed up, and have to take our licks (not that kind). This guy on the other hand is practically getting rewarded for the same thing. Hey buddy, this isn’t heaven. This is jail.

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The Madman

This guy is just angry at the world. He’s got scrapes on his face from where the cops accidentally threw him on the ground and shoved his face in the pavement. He’s arguing from the time he hits the back seat to the time he gets booked. You think you hate the police? This guy can’t stand them.

The problem with this guy is…

He’s taking up too much time. They can’t book you because they’re too busy with this guy. More importantly, he’s pissing everybody off! As a result all the guards are acting like douche bags. They’re so worked up over this guy they feel like night sticking everyone in the joint. Nothing gets a cop worked up like fighting people in cuffs.

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The Regular

This guy is actually more comfortable in lock up than in his own home. Partially because his home is a friend’s couch but mostly because he just likes crapping in front of other people.  All of the guards know him, and kind of respect him because he doesn’t give them any trouble. He knows the routine and has accepted it.

The problem with this guy is…

He won’t stop telling you what to do. Not like “bend over I’m horny,” (at least not in holding) but this guy thinks he’s an honorary guard. “The phone down there works, use that one,” or “ask ‘em for slippers,” or “you’re not suppose to do that.” Shut the hell up. But at least now you know to take the wrapper off the cheese before you bite into your sandwich.

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The Lazy Guard

Guard is singular just above because I couldn’t do the 100 laziest people you meet in holding. This guy’s the worst because he has the most direct effect on you. After he finishes hearing a joke and making coffee he may get around to searching you. But no way you’re gonna finger printed yet. Why? Because he’s only got an hour left on shift and doesn’t want doing his job to get in his way. So instead he’s going to stall until the next lazy cop takes his spot. The lazy cop is best suited for working at a jail. There’s less running and more donuts.

The problem with this guy is…

It should be obvious at this point.

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The Lady of the Night

This is the prostitute that doesn’t know how to keep her stuff under wraps. By “stuff under wraps” I mean her ability to keep the fact that she sells herself a secret from the cops — as well as keeping her vagina in her panties. For those of you who don’t know, the vagina is a woman’s hoo ha.

The problem with this girl is…

She’s a whiner, unless she’s one of the chicks you see on the show cops who’ve been arrested a bunch and don’t give a damn. Cops frequent the same spots and inevitably arrest the same chicks, so for the most part these girls aren’t first timers. Regardless, a lot of them still cry in holding. Whether it’s because they’re going to their ass kicked by their pimps or because their kids are home alone, these chicks want out fast. But don’t feel too bad. Most of their balls are bigger than yours.