God of War III: Even Threesomier

By Scott CU

Ah, the Ancient Greek Gods. When they’re not eating their own children, or sexually assaulting our women, they’re monkeyshining us into killing our families. Such is the plight of Kratos, the bald, buff, sword-swinging star of the mega-popular, and mega-violent, God of War Playstation games. After Ares, the titular God of War, tricked Kratos into chopping up his own wife and children, our uber-Spartan hero went on a rip-roaring rampage of revenge that not only took him from the tops of Mt. Olympus all the way down to the depths of Hades, but which also spawned three sequels.

The first God of War, released for the Playstation 2 in 2005, received over a dozen Game of the Year awards. It was generally reviewed as fast, fun, violent and original. And, more importantly, it also contained one of Gaming’s Greatest Nude Scenes. But the sequels, two of which were released only for the Playstation Portable, have failed to recapture the blood-soaked, hack-and-slash glory. After all, how much revenge does one guy really need? Especially a guy who’s having as many threesomes as Kratos  is? (Hey, there’s a time to grieve, and then there’s a time to move on, preferably into a hot tub with two naked Goddesses.)

So when God of War III hits stores next month, will it be gaming fit for a deity, or as much fun as rolling a boulder up a hill? Well, just like why anyone thought Harry Hamlin would make a believable action hero, much of God of War III remains a mystery. But we do know that this entry (which is technically the fourth installment in the franchise) is the first God of War game created specifically for the Playstation 3. This means better graphics, faster action, and up to 50 enemies on-screen at once, a significantly hedonistic improvement to the previous limit of 15. This also means that, hopefully, the Playstation 3 is finally on its way to being more than just a $400 Blu-Ray player.

If you’ve played and loved previous God of War games, you’ll probably love this new one, too, since all indications point to more of the same, only more. If you’re new to the franchise, however, three is the game to start with, since it promises to be the biggest, most epic, most God-killing one yet. (And don’t worry about missing out on a complicated backstory. Gods, revenge, threesomes – it’s not exactly The Iliad.) This Greek gore-fest swings into stores March 16, and hopefully for fans both new and old, it turns out that three(some)’s indeed the charm.

For more carnage, check out the trailer. For more game info, check out the official site.