6 Things to Never Say in an Airport Security Line

By Nick

You’re dying to get your Spring Break started, but everyone experiences delays and problems trying to get through long airport security lines. You woke up too late because you thought it would be a brilliant idea to hit the bar the night before and get your SB vacation started early. Or maybe your flight was so early, you decided to stay up all night instead of getting a couple hours sleep, hoping to crash on the plane but forgetting about the six screaming children sitting all around you. After a certain point, people are bound to say something stupid, due to lack of sleep or just plain frustration. The next time you feel ready to throw your carry on bag at a TSA officer, try to avoid these explosive phrases, unless you want to spend Spring Break in a cell instead of on a sexy coed.

“If I have to wait any longer I might kill someone!”

So you’re standing in line behind a family of five, with each child running in opposite directions with their Hello Kitty backpacks and the parents arguing over who is going to carry the stroller instead of getting their shit together. While you might be ready to throw one of the kids through the x-ray machine instead of your bag, try taking a deep breath instead.

“What’s that ticking sound?”

If you’re saying this, it probably means you don’t even know what’s in your bag, which is sure to delay getting through the line. It’s probably best to avoid wondering about the possibility of a time bomb when near airport security officers.

“I wonder how you can actually get a bomb in your underwear.”

Even though this concept sounded outrageous, it’s just as scary to passengers and airport employees. Wondering about the mechanics behind an explosive G-string could be funny, but you might want to keep this one to yourself.  It didn’t go well for the Shoe Bomber, so it doesn’t bode well for an underwear bomber.

“Did you pack your own bag?”  “No.  A nice Somali Man I met on Craigslist Helped me”

How many times has an attendant or TSA officer asked you this one? If you’re not sure, or can’t remember who packed your bag, perhaps you aren’t the type of person that belongs on a 90 ton machine cruising at 500 mph.

“Have your bags been with you at all times?”  “Yes, except for the 15 minutes I had to use the bathroom, but two kind Libyan Gentleman offered to watch them for me; So no worries.”

Imagine you have to pack your own bag, and then actually watch them.  Remarkably airports are just like the real world.  Don;t believe us?  Fine, pack a bag and head to NYC.  Leave the bag on the street and then go get a hot dog.  In under 60 seconds you’re going to be heavy one hot dog but light one bag – didn’t you ever see Coming To America?

“If I was going to bring a bomb on a plane, I’d hire someone that looks normal – like me”

Sometimes when you’re standing around long enough, staring at the back of some fool’s head while they’re trying to untie their shoes and take off a sweatshirt, subconscious thoughts are bound to creep out. This might be good for a strip search, but not a boarding pass.

“Damn for $100 I’d carry whatever bag you want on the plane”

Everyone could use some extra cash for their vacation, but try not to sound this stupid and desperate. If taking someone else’s bags are a big enough deal for the airport to scream about it on the PA system every 10 minutes, it’s probably a good idea to avoid joking about it.

Just in case your still confused, check out TSA for the real info.