The Terrible Diseases Cartoons Would Have If They Were Real

By Danieljevon

Did you spend your childhood watching cartoons and wishing you could jump into their world? How much easier would life have been if you were a coyote who got to spend his day experimenting with various anvils and dynamite concoctions? Well take back that wish right away because things aren’t so great in cartoon world after all. They’re more sick and more diseased than any hooker you’ve ever met in a dark alleyway.

Occupation: Sailor
Condition: Chronic Masturbation, Steroid Abuse, Throat Cancer, and Syphilis

Popeye was a man of many vices. He constantly smoked a pipe in front of millions of kiddies every week, and ate his “spinach” for quick muscle gain. But what he did behind the scenes was even more disturbing. As a sailor, Popeye must have spent months alone at sea. Lonely, horny, and hopped up on testosterone, Popeye turned to America’s favorite past time. Masturbation. You could argue that his abnormally large forearms are from working with heavy equipment at sea, but Popeye’s only developed muscles are his Forearms. While Bluto and the rest of the cartoon sailing force were working, Popeye was in the cabin below adjusting the sundial.

In fact, most of Popeye’s life was driven by sex. Whenever he did make it to port, he likely screwed the first thing that he could find. If you were dating an anorexic titless girl (Olive Oyl), you would too. The speech impediment and facial paralysis are also key signs that Popeye suffered from the late stages of Syphilis.

Name: Pacman
Occupation: Mental Patient
Condition: Paranoia, Schizophrenia, Dementia

Pacman used to be your average bodiless, faceless, yellow blob, until he started hallucinating. He even settled down long enough to make another circle his wife. Once Mrs. Pacman left him and dropped the R from her name, Pacman went ape hit.

He was admitted to Namco hospital where he got a steady diet of cherries and pills. The drugs had a bad effect and now Pacman hallucinates that his caretakers Pinky, Blinky, Inky and Clyde are out to get him. He spends his days running around the hospital stealing other people’s medication. When they do catch him, he is sedated. When they don’t, he is known to become violent and starts biting his caretakers and other patients.

Name: Betty Boop
Occupation: Stripper
Condition: Aids, Syphilis, Gonorrhea, Crabs, Sex Addiction and a Touch of the Clap.

Betty Boop has been a sex icon for over 75 years. Her biggest problem is that she is still alive. Betty Boop screwed her way to the top in the 30’s and then again in the 80’s, spreading her diseases around the globe.

When she first came on the scene, she was running away from home with her boyfriend bimbo to a cave full of ghouls, ghosts, and skeletons, who all had their way with her. Betty constantly had a hard time keeping her clothes on, and on more than one occasion appeared naked on screen. (Check out the subliminal sex inserted into Betty Boop cartoons.)

Like any whoring girl, her efforts were applauded and encouraged. But time takes its toll and Boop started to collect STDs like trading cards. Now she isn’t being paid the big bucks and has to make her money on the pole.

Name: Charles Brown
Occupation: Gas Station Attendant
Condition: Chronic Depression, Heroin Addiction

It’s no secret that Charlie Brown had depression. Therapist today even refer to the “Charlie Brown” syndrome in relation to holiday depression. The problem with Charlie was that he never got help. His parents spoke in some inaudible language, and the one friend that tried to give him therapy, Lucy Van Pelt, was a lying, vindictive, bitch. Since the 1950’s, the original sad sack was constantly ridiculed by his friends, and was the butt of almost every joke. He never kicked the football, every pitch he threw was hit back into his face, and he was bald. Charlie Brown is the epitome of failure.

If he were allowed to age naturally, the childhood optimism that made his depression bearable would have slowly disappeared. Charlie Brown would have tried out for his high school football team only to be cut. He would have sent out Valentine’s Day cards every year but he would have never received any in return, and eventually, he would have replaced his hope with heroin.

If Charlie Brown were real, he would be a prime example of a childhood star, and would have likely followed in the footsteps of Brad Renfro and River Phoenix.

Name: Calvin (& Hobbs and other figments)
Occupation: Inmate 437
Condition: Multiple Personality Disorder, Schizophrenia

Calvin had a pretty normal childhood, but he never managed to make any friends besides his beloved stuff cat. He was beat up regularly at school by Moe, despite his rocket ship underwear, and was constantly pushed to build character by his dad. Eventually, his innocent imagination took a violent turn. We all know what can happen when you take orders from a dog, but when you listen to a cat, shit gets weird.

Calvin grows up to be one of the most horrendous serial killers of all time. He targets babysitters primarily, but any gross slimy girl will do. His first murder was of course, Suzy Derkins, who he tied up and stoned with ice balls. Next was Rosalyn, followed by Ms. Wormwood, where Calvin, Hobbes, and Captain Spiff use their “Zorcher” to annihilate these alien beings.

He is finally arrested after a short and speedy chase down dismemberment gorge in his sled. He is now attempting to escape prison through a cardboard box time machine.