The 8 Things That Will Definitely Happen At The Oscars

Hollywood likes its award shows the same way it likes its movies, done to death and starring washed up big name actors. Thus, this year’s Oscars will be just like every other year’s Oscars: hosted by Steve Martin and awarding essentially the same films as every other year. Here are eight things that will DEFINITELY happen during this year’s Academy Awards:

8. Steve Martin Will Re-Use Old Oscar Jokes

This is what, his eighth time hosting? But hey, what is Hollywood if not doing the same thing over and over until you end up with something just sad (like Saw XVI). The only time that the Oscars were decent was when they were hosted by Jon Stewart and Chris Rock but that “didn’t get ratings” from the old people and bored housewives who still watch the spectacle and aren’t fond of change.

7. Everyone Will Comment On How Brave and Touching ‘Precious’ Was
Hollywood will continue its obsession with anything in which a young black person overcomes adversity and you can bet your ass that while most of the people in the room failed to actually “see” the film, they will feel the need to comment on how moving it is when anyone makes a movie about race that isn’t produced by Tyler Perry.

6. George Clooney Will Make A Long Winded Speech About Haiti

We get it George, you and Bono are going to save the world. Still, can’t you go ANYWHERE without making it into some big thing about what you’re doing to help the world today? Let’s just hope that he and Jon Voight don’t run into each other backstage…

5. A Drunk Actress Will Be In The Bathroom When Her Name Is Called

My money is on you, Hellen Mirren!

4. Everyone Will Stop Caring After The First Two Categories

The Oscars are structured in a way that forces you to sit through the nominations for best Sound Editing and Best Documentary Short if you want to get to the “good parts.” This is why the Oscars are nothing like the Super Bowl, there is nothing during the Super Bowl that can rival the disinterest that people have in the Best Costume Design nominations.

3. Quentin Tarantino Will Get Screwed

Outside of Pulp Fiction, the Academy has never been willing to recognize how great Quentin Tarantino’s films are and 2010 will be no different. How can the voters be expected to remember a movie that came out so long ago when there has been soooo many good films that have come out since… Tarantino won’t be the only one though:

2. Everyone Involved With ‘The Hurt Locker’ Will Get Screwed

If the best Tarantino film ever from late summer isn’t remembered, what chance does an indie movie that came out in March have? How awesome was The Hurt Locker? This awesome.

1. Avatar Will Officially Become The Most Overrated Movie Ever

Wow, James Cameron made a 3D movie a year after My Bloody Valentine 3D came out and has now redefined filmmaking. Give any body $250 million and see if they can’t make an awesome looking movie out of it.

Oscar voters need to remember that the biggest movie is never the “best” movie. If that were the case, the next Twilight film is going to win in 2011.