John Mayer’s 16 Douchiest Quotes So Far
Honestly, I never paid too much attention to John Mayer. Sure, his earlier music hits were like lollipops from a candy store: cheap, simple and sweet and the words to those songs just came out of my mouth like I was born knowing them. In no way did I ever think about what he was up to, ever. Then his relationships with Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston became tabloid fodder and he started talking, a lot. Now I can’t escape John Mayer, even if I flew to the moon.
John has a medical condition widely known as “Diarrhea of the mouth.”
Don't date John - he has issues
I thought it was bad when, in the latest issue of Rolling Stone Magazine, home boy talked about a current “relationship” with some random woman and his ex, Jennifer Aniston:
“I met a girl one time in Vegas. Her name was Dimples, and the ’s’ in Dimples was a dollar sign… I have this weird feeling, a pride thing, for the people I’ve had relationships with. I still feel like I’m with them, in the sense that if I f—ed Dimples, what does that say about someone like Jen? I feel like it’s all connected. How could I ever cosmically relate these two people?”
He doesn’t stop at his feelings for Jennifer. He also opens up about Tiger Woods and says “I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life.” Ugh. That was just too much information, man.
The honesty that was oozing out of John in the Rolling Stone interview just wasn’t enough for him, however.
In the March 2010 issue of Playboy Magazine, John’s confessional rants explode yet again.
John’s take on porn: “When I watch porn, if it’s not hot enough, I’ll make up backstories in my mind. My biggest dream is to write pornography.” Get in line, buddy.
John and black women: “I don’t think I open myself to it. My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a fuckin’ David Duke cock. I’m going to start dating separately from my dick.” I have no words.
John and Jessica Simpson: “That girl, for me, is a drug. And drugs aren’t good for you if you do lots of them. Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me.” Are there Hallmark cards for this sentiment?
Look out, Jess - his hair is going to devour you!
I thought I’d try to get to know the man better. I mean, who am I to judge this guy? How do you do this? Follow their Twitter page.
Here are tweets from John Mayer from the past three months (in no particular order) that let me into his world:
“My six word story ‘my heart didn’t come with instructions.’” Please, John, do NOT write a song with these lyrics in them. I did that in the sixth grade and I will sue you.
“Most compelling part of Avatar? The man next to me at the urinal who pulled his pants and boxers down to his knees. Alien indeed.” Roger Ebert, your job is safe.
“Huffington Post: America’s trusted source for political news and side boob. The Costco of editorial tone.” Arianna, you have my permission to slap this guy.
“The following tweet takes place between 6:58 AM and 6:58 AM.” Okay, I actually giggled at this one.
“My mouth is the Don King of my penis.” Stop with these references to your penis already. I get it. You like your penis. Let’s move on, shall we?
“Dumb: ‘Epic fail,’ a phrase used to make fun of someone’s failed attempts, written by people living in their parents’ basements.” I immediately flashed to an image of Kevin Smith from “Live Free or Die Hard” in the basement of his mom’s house.
“Sade to release new album in 2010, sending shares of KY warming lube skyrocketing.” I wonder if John has stock options in this company?
“I’ve got to finish boning my mistress early so that I can go home and explain to my kid that he’s lost a role model. What a shame.” I love his use of “boning” in this sentence. Perhaps he should teach an AP English class for high school kids. Role models – we need more.
“I need to stop taking pills with names that are palindromes: Xanax, H-Coninoch, Lipilipil, Seresiseres XR, Odin’s Fury” Maybe you should just stop taking pills altogether.
“I don’t like this savory smell of cooking wafting from the apartment next door. It’s cocky. ‘Look at me, I buy groceries and have a family.’” Bitter much?
“I need to learn how to start saying no. Like when someone says ‘please stop choking me.’” I have this horrible S & M image of John and some random girl. I am eternally creeped out.
Conclusion: if you’re a blowhard, douchebag and all-around jerk, you’re going to like John Mayer.
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I am in agreemeet with LMAO.
I was ready to unfriend him on Twitter. I friended him when the last controversy came out about some of his quotes in Rolling Stone… I didn't think he deserved the flack he got for using the "n'" word — now you've convinced me otherwise.
I find his honesty, down-to-earth language and openness refreshing. So what, his penis is not attracted to Black women. I don't wanna f**k him either. I'm picky that way.
I loved what he did at MJ's funeral. He's the real thing. A good artist and musician. That he ia also human and screws up makes him just like me.
This guy is a freaking sleeze. And women continue to go out with him. I feel sorry for those women because I know that they must have very low self-esteem to hook up with a jerk like that. And Jennifer keeps coming back for more. Is she crazy?? There are much better guys out there!! This guy is a total loser.
I like the guy's music but sometime I can't believe some of stuff he's saying. They make me facepalm.
wow those tweets are beyond
^agreed. It's no doubt he's a talented musician, but it is true he says stupid things
Quotes from his interviews were pretty bad. But it seemed like you were trying too hard with the twitter quotes. They were actually pretty funny in their own right.
yeah. i think hes cool. you totally made fun of things that were supposed to be a joke. you suck.
I actually laughed my ass off at these. I still hate John Mayer and his pussy music, but this was pretty funny.
Except for the epic fail comment, that was a total…well, epic fail.
What we're seeing here is the collision of Web 2.0 with celebrity idealism. If these comments were made by some random dude on the internet, we'd probably appreciated their ironic humor and brash absurdity. But since it's coming from a guy whose face, job, and dating habits we're all much too familiar with, and whom many among us had admired or idolized, we think it's unforgivably douchey. When you're in the public eye, you can't moon people.
I hate this guy.He's a racist.I don't like the way he speaks.He thinks he’s clever and funny.He’s a big mouth and makes stupid racist comments!
wow this was so clever.
Who sits around and makes a website hating a celebrity? hahhaha.
if you don't like John Mayer then ignore him, i'm sure he couldn't play too big of a role in youre life bro.
maybe get a life and stop reading pathetic tabloids about the life you wish you had. or maybe you should do as you think he should and keep your mouth shut? i don't know i'm just thinking here. just pondering really.
I enjoy John Mayer, and i think he's HIL-ARE-E-US.
Sandy, you go girl.
This article completely made my day. I have always been a huge fan of his music, and not a huge fan of his constant diarrhea of the mouth. It seems to be the continuing thing he gets bad press for, and yet, he just can't help himself. I truly was so into him before he even came out with his first real album…and then I started hearing him talk outside of his songs! I literally cringe everytime I hear him in interviews. Ehhhh, what can you do. At least he finally closed his twitter account…it was really prone to his bad diarrhea of the mmouth. I'm guessing his publicist told him it was bad form.
This article completely made my day. I have always been a huge fan of his music, and not a huge fan of his constant diarrhea of the mouth. It seems to be the continuing thing he gets bad press for, and yet, he just can't help himself. I truly was so into him before he even came out with his first real album…and then I started hearing him talk outside of his songs! I literally cringe everytime I hear him in interviews. Ehhhh, what can you do. At least he finally closed his twitter account…it was really prone to his bad diarrhea of the mmouth. I'm guessing his publicist told him it was bad form.
And for those sweeties that had no idea…check out some of this other quotes that you may have missed in his Playboy interview:
John Mayer discusses banging Jessica Simpson
February 10th, 2010 // 73 Comments
Us Magazine got a hold of John Mayer’s upcoming interview for Playboy where he discusses everything from sex with Jessica Simpson to how he only banged a few groupies to get over Jennifer Aniston:
On Jessica Simpson:
“Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me. Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm. Did you ever say, ‘I want to quit my life and just fuckin’ snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to fuck you, I would start selling all my shit just to keep fucking you.’”
On Jennifer Aniston:
“There was a rumor that I’d been dumped because I was tweeting too much. That wasn’t it, but that was a big difference. The brunt of her success came before TMZ and Twitter. I think she’s still hoping it goes back to 1998. She saw my involvement in technology as courting distraction. And I always said, ‘These are the new rules.’”
On nailing groupies to get over his break-up with Aniston:
“I’m going to say four or five. No more. But even if I said 12, that’s a reasonable number. So is 15. Here’s the thing: I get less ass now than I did when I was in a local band. Because now I don’t like jumping through hoops.”
John Mayer is a LEGEND. And will always be one. These quotes make him even more remarkable. <3
Whoever wrote this sounds like a girl in junior high school. Or a frumpy cat lady that lives by herself and resents people that don’t rely on chocolate to deal with life’s struggles.