Saint Valentine Was Grusomely Beheaded. Happy Valentine’s Day!

By Asterioskokkinos

Ah, Valentine’s Day. Roses, chocolates, gruesome beheadings…wait, what? Yeah, that’s right, here’s something Hallmark doesn’t play up in its yearly February cash grab – Saint Valentine, of course, became a saint due to martyrdom. Back then, sainthood wasn’t handed out unless you got murdered horrifically in the name of the Lord, and Saint Valentine was no exception.

During the reign of Claudius Gothicus (who loved The Cure), Valentinus was a priest caught marrying Christian couples. At the time, helping Christians was considered giving aid and comfort to enemies of the state, so he was arrested.

Here’s where it gets interesting – Claudius began to take a liking to Valentinus in prison! They became really chummy, which is odd considering Claudius arrested him in the first place. What broke up these bosom buddies? Valentinus made a play to convert the Emperor himself.

As Admiral Adama says, sometimes you gotta roll the hard six. This particular roll, however, came up snake eyes – Claudius became enraged, and ordered Valentinus beaten with clubs and stoned. Miraculously (no pun intended), Valentinus survived the assault, leading to his beheading outside the Flaminian Gate. The year in which this transpired is up for debate – some say 269, some say 270 or 273, but the beheading’s beyond dispute.

Here’s where it gets even more interesting – there are actually seven Saint Valentine’s! From Wikipedia:

“The Catholic Church’s official list of recognized saints, the Roman Martyrology lists seven: a martyr (Roman priest or Terni bishop?) buried on the Via Flaminia (February 14); a priest from Viterbo (November 3); a bishop from Raetia who died in about 450 (January 7); a fifth-century priest and hermit (July 4); a Spanish hermit who died in about 715 (October 25); Valentine Berrio Ochoa, martyred in 1861 (November 24); and Valentine Jaunzarás Gómez, martyred in 1936 (September 18).”

Weird, wild stuff. So the next time your girlfriend complains you weren’t romantic enough on Valentine’s Day, remind her not to lose her head about it. Zing!