The More, The Scarier… Two Girlfriends on Valentines Day

You’ve found yourself with more than one lady friend this Valentine’s Day. Both are needy and want you to spend time with them and neither of them will take “no” for an answer. You check to see if you’re on a CBS sitcom, but you’re not. Something funny might actually happen. There are no writers. This is life, which means there are absolutely no consequences for your actions. You already don’t have a conscious. Why start stressing now? Here at COED, we applaud you and want to help you make the most out of Valentine’s.

By Brian Griffiths

For the purposes of this article, we’re going to assume that you only have two ladies in your life. If you have more than that- Please send me an e-mail, Mr. Hefner. I’d love to write an article for your magazine. And if you’re not Hugh Hefner, then you’re a Mormon, and I’m a huge fan of Big Love. Keep up the good work.

If she looks like this... maybe you should spend money.

All women are going to want something special. They’ve cleaned themselves up, they’re wearing nice underwear, and all they want is an excuse for you to defile them. You’re a guy. Excuses should come naturally. That doesn’t mean you can go halfway with the two of them and think that counts as going all the way.

What you’re really going to need is a scheduling conflict that you can’t get out of. That way you can save the day for one lady and night for the other. Valentine’s Day falls on a Sunday this year, so a lot of you won’t be able to use work. Get creative: You have to play golf with your boss, your mother is sick, your best friend committed suicide, or you have to give blood to homeless children with eyeball cancer. It doesn’t really matter as long as they don’t suspect anything.

You’ve got free time, but you really don’t feel like breaking the bank. One Valentine’s Day is bad enough, but two… that’s horrendous. Check out some of my ideas for turning Valentine’s Day into a cheap date. Remember, they want to think what you did is special. You just have to give them a little bit of prodding so that you can give them a lotta bit of prodding.

When your girlfriend does this, she's probably guilty about HER other Valentine.

If you’re going to take either lady out, I would suggest during the day. You probably are used to seeing her in very little light, so this might end up giving you a fright. It’s worth it. Lunch is cheaper and reservations are easier to than dinner. You should make sure to choose a place off the beaten path, you scoundrel. You don’t want to be seen stepping out, or the whole freaking thing will deflate faster than your un-tasted candy apple. Another idea would be to see a matinee show. No, I don’t mean Avatar for the seventh time, dork, I mean a theatre production. If you live in a place that doesn’t have access to restaurants or theatre, well, this probably hasn’t loaded on your dialup modem anyway.

Assuming you’ve successfully consummated your first Valentine’s Date (and if you haven’t… I don’t know, get Cupid to shoot you in the face), you’ve already got to prepare for the second. You stink of man, woman, and babies that will never be (Should I have mentioned to always wear protection?). You’re going to have to hide all evidence. If you took sixty-five pictures on your iPhone, that bad boy better not leave your sight. You need to shower. Even if the first date was a bust, you need to change and shower. Look like you’ve freshened up just for that special girl. She’ll appreciate it and you’ll be rewarded. The tough part (and if you’ve actually been juggling multiple girls, you know this) is going to be showing interest after already doing your business earlier in the day. Always remember that if she don’t feel sexy, you ain’t gettin’ sexy. If you’ve come this far, chances are you’ll come further. Enjoy your Valentine’s Day. You deserve it for putting up with two women on the most irritating day of the year.