If Candy Hearts Told the Truth

By Brian Griffiths

We’ve all seen or given them. You know what I’m talking about. Those powdery sweets on which even more saccharine messages are adorned. They’re a tradition as old as the Valentine’s Day card (my favorite was the train going into the tunnel, letting the girl know that you Choo Choo-se her). What we know just as well, is how full of crap those little hearts are. What man really wants his woman to know that she’s sweet or that she’s a cutie pie? Not a man of any sort of character.

Fret not, guys, we finally have a solution. No longer do you have to suffer through the ignominy. I present some realistic messages for your Valentine(s). There’s 14 for the special date, but that doesn’t make me sentimental. The important thing to remember is that, just because you’re eating chalk, it doesn’t mean that you can’t still get your message across.