How To Be a Duke, Or Just Look Like One

Health Ledger did it, and knocked the crap out of Count Adhemar in the process.  Mel Gibson did it, although in the end he got his intestines ripped out and was thrown in jail for drunk driving and antisemitism.  Even real life characters like Sean Connery, Richard Branson Paul McCartney, Elton John and Mick Jagger have done it – They’ve all become Nobles!

So just imagine, you walk up to a hotel desk and they refer to you as Sir! (in the knighted sense), Earl! Baron! Duke! or even King!?  Awesome, just awesome.  Just imagine the chick shrapnel that flies everywhere when the desk attendant drops that “Duke bomb*.

It’s actually quite easy to gain a title these days, even if you can’t act, write rock hits, or start a world brand named after prudish women.  Simply pick from the suggestions below.

Say it Enough and People Will Believe Your BS

Puff Daddy, oh, excuse me –P. Diddy arbitrarily declared Ciroc the ‘Official Vodka of New Year’s Eve.  Michael Jackson starting using the moniker the “King of Pop”, and Madonna the “Queen of Pop” – (although it must be from another land because I’m pretty sure those two would never do each other), and Leonardo DiCaprio went so far as to shout, “I’m the King of the World!” (although that was in character so I’m not sure it actually stands).

Say it enough and people will start believing anything – even the craziest crap you can imagine.  In fact, The King of All Media, Howard Stern, garnered his majestic title in what started out in jest.  In light of everyone else throwing their faux royal weight around Howard decided that from now on he should be referred to as, “The King of All Media.” The media machine bought in, at first as a jab adding, “The Self Proclaimed . . .” but that eventually fell to the wayside and now only his royal kingliness and proof of theory remains!  So starting today, have all your boys introduce you as Sir, Duke, Arch Duke, Prince, or His Royal Majesty.  Oh and if you happen to be any shade of brown you might also try Sultan.  Thanks to Disney’s Alladdin Chicks between 20 and 32 fall for that one like a steamy pile.

Buy it

The Beatles  - who by the way were themselves knighted (of sorts – Look Here) in 1964 – sang, “Money Can’t Buy Me Love”, but what they left out was money COULD in fact buy you a royal title, which in turn is a form of currency that is redeemable for love – (if by love you mean sex).  So they should have more properly sang, “I don’t care too much for money, Money Can’t Directly Buy Me Love”

For $197 dollars you, (yes YOU), can be a Sir, Count, Duke, Baron or Lord at http://www.regaltitles.com.  Aside from explaining the differences in the various titles in a manner that might help you explain them, (in the very likely event that eventually that need arises), they even go as far to include testimonials about how their “New Royals” received a complete ass kissing by airlines, hotels and restaurants by adding their royal title to credit cards and photo IDs.  The best (read as funniest) news of all is that right now they’re having a special that allows you and a friend to each receive your noble title at $297 total (What a coincidence!)  Why not make you and your girl a Baron & Baroness for Valentine’s Day?  (If the price doesn’t convince you, maybe this will)

Just be aware of the fine print.  The site warns you just before checkout that “You understand that these Titles provided by Regal Titles are not to be mistaken for real Titles (bestowed by the State, or given to you personally by HM Queen Elizabeth II. Something we are trying to arrange, but she is somewhat reluctant to do this for $397!) or used for any fraudulent means.” – -Man if I only had half the sack of this dude, I could really go places!

Buy Land that Comes with a title . . .even a square inch!

By purchasing a “Prestigious UK location” you can acquire a title.  “Lord Andrew Bulpin of Copythorne and Dartmouth has for current acquisition land parcels the purchase of which includes the Titles of Lord and/or Lady” (If you read that with an English accent it seems even more prestigious).  In a unique twist, since “Prestigious Land” is involved, this is known as a “Seated Title.”  So what constitutes “prestigious”?  No idea.  I searched their site and couldn’t tell you, but I’m betting it’s a not so very prestigious at all square inch.  Never the less, it’s enough to get you named, and let’s face it, we weren’t setting out to build a summer home, the object was to get a title.

So for about $1,500 the land comes with the legal right to call yourself “Lord” (Baron, Duke or Sir), and if you have a wing girl, wife and / or girlfriend she will get the title of “Lady” at no extra charge.  In the case of the chicks I date, Lady is a stretch, but who knows maybe one will eventually stop smoking Newports and grow into the title (Get off me daddy, you’re crushing my cigarettes).

Now of course . . .alternatively, you could just marry well, but let’s face it.  That would require either mad looks, cash or game any one of which if I had, I wouldn’t need the title in the first place.  Life is so unfair.  What the hell does Prince Harry Have that I don’t?  A title. . . but not for long!

Got a question or comment?  Email “The King of All Information” at John@teamcoed.com

*In truth, no one really gives a damn, but hey, if you have nothing else going on, how can it hurt?