2010′s Ten Adventures for Trust Fund Babies

LONDON, January 2010 — “Staring down into the smoldering eyes of a tiger from the back of an elephant in India’s Kanha National Park” has been selected as the world’s greatest travel adventure by a jury of the United Kingdom’s top explorers, adventurers and award-winning writers.  Apparently none of whom had the sensibilities of a proper millionaire adventurer such as Tony Stark for example, our hero whose idea of Safari is a nightclub loaded with Maxim Models and “Pile Ons” with all of last month’s Miss Coeds.

 

For the past two months, travel luminaries including Lonely Planet founder Tony Wheeler, explorer Benedict Allen and broadcaster Simon Calder have been assessing the most intense adventures on the planet.  And the chance of getting close to a tiger in the wild – while such a possibility still exists – was judged to be even more thrilling than skiing down a live volcano on the Japanese island of Hokkaido or diving with hammerhead sharks in the Galapagos.  What was #11? “Throwing yourself in a wood chipper feet First.”

Why would anyone travel to a place where there was less women and no booze!?!  I’m very scared and confused.

Another wildlife experience – an encounter with mountain gorillas in Rwanda – took fourth place, just ahead of two great hikes that shared fifth spot: the Inca Trail to Machu Picchu in Peru, and the Larrapinta Trail in Australia’s Northern Territory.  So counting . . . these rich guys are finding going for a couple of walks, and staring lovingly into the eyes of animals that think they’re staring back at lunch, exciting . . .sheessh. How about an encounter between “my boys ” and stunning Miss Coed Jennifer Anders?  Now that’s what I call an adventure.

“The ultimate railway adventure,” Russia’s Trans-Siberian, took seventh place, just ahead of hot-air ballooning over Tanzania’s Serengeti. Ok, hot air ballooning we get – IF we’re talking with hot chicks and alcohol.  However, you know damn well that these guys threw a mile high “Sausage party”, where the goal was certainly not to film the next installment of MILF Hunter, and more likely to photograph crap on the ground from the sky.  Who needs it?  We have Google maps, but what we don’t have is enough porn (It’s like being too jacked up, or having too much cash, or “strange tail” – It ain’t possible), so strike 6.

A hike through the Indian Ocean island of Madagascar took ninth position, but hasn’t Pixar said all there is to say about that? South America’s third appearance completed the top 10: exploring the wildlife of Brazil’s Pantanal. Mistake!  They should have explored the “Wild Life” of Carni’val where I hear those women are fully shaved, and – “Brazilian Jeans!”  Imagine a culture with such perfectly round, plump cans that they require their own cut of jeans.  I’m living in the wrong country (actually they just voted France #1 for real – check it out and F the French).

Simon Calder said: “Whatever tribulations the economy may deliver, the British spirit of adventure is alive and well. Travelers are turning their backs on the beach and going to extremes to satisfy a craving for adrenalin-fueled experiences.”

We say, “Dude, are you gay?”  Not that there’s anything wrong with that . . .just tying to follow your logic, because for our money it ain’t a party until I’m drunk and the opposite sex is naked, but if you’re having the same fun with all sticks and no bushes, then I understand.  You do you brother.

Now for my fellow strange tuna lovers, for my money this is a party!!  Book it.  See you there.