Reality TV Rundown: Week 2

The reality shows this week were PACKED with sheer entertainment. Rozlyn from The Bachelor got outed as the biggest slut to ever skank up the small screen (at least on ABC), and it was detox week on Celebrity Rehab 3. We saw seizures, we saw the Real World kids get physical (on both an intimate and violent level), and we saw Frank the Entertainer’s mom flip the eff out when the ladies started boozing.

Oh, did you miss it? No prob, I’ve got you covered with some of the best recaps and show commentary that you’ll find anywhere. All links go to photos of the contestants (in new pages), so feel free to click away. Warning: the COED team is not responsible for any permanent eye damage caused by looking at the ladies of A Basement Affair.

American Idol. Last week American Idol returned with two “Try Out” episodes — by far the most entertaining part of the show. The guest judges were Victoria Beckham and Mary J. Blige, and both ladies took on Paula’s role of being too nice to the people who clearly suck (not just at singing, but at life in general).

Episodes like these make me wonder what the production staff at American Idol are smoking. What was with the 60-second Boston history lesson? I watch these shows to be entertained, not learn about what started the Boston Tea Party. . .I mean I  like a good tea bag, once in a while, but not with my American Idol (try to find another girl that can use sexual innuendo in iambic pentameter – I dare you!  You love me.  I know it.  Scream my name!)

We were also treated to the musical stylings of General Larry Platt — a grandpa who wanted to rap about how kids “be lookin’ like a fool with their pants on the ground”. Platt was too old to get sent through to Hollywood, but he’s still famous. Brett Farve is obviously a fan, because this is how he helped the Vikings celebrate their win over the Cowboys:

Worst of the week: The gay kid from Derry, NH who sang Womanizer. I’ll take Homosexual Stereotypes for $400, Alex! Honorable mention goes to the Asian guy, who butchered All By Myself and forgot the words. Next time, write the lyrics on your hand and cheat like you did in 7th grade Biology. . .besides isn’t that what the songs about in the first place – his hand.

Best of the week: Oooh, this is a tough one. There were three that really stuck out: Justin “I was serving a mission in Spain, and I got cancer” Williams, the Mormon from Sandy, Utah; Mike, the ginger who stole my heart; Maddy Curtis, the 16-year-old girl who sang Hallelujah and has a family full of Down Syndrome babies.

What to look forward to: More tryouts, of course!

The Bachelor. (Mondays, 8pm on ABC) Well, we officially found out who the giant whore was: it was: Rozlyn (of course, if you read last week’s Reality TV Rundown, you already knew that!). Is it just me, or was it kind of disappointing to see her leave with some dignity intact? Rozlyn kept it classy, even when she was talking with Chris about skanking it up with the production guy. Why weren’t we treated to seeing a Rozlyn vs. Jake showdown? I FEEL SO ROBBED!

Besides that, there was a photo shoot for InStyle Magazine that kept the ladies busy for the first half of the episode. Rozlyn managed to steal that show, too: when she wrapped her leg around Jake, she showed the cameras her “cha-cha”. Afterward, the ladies were out for blood once they discovered that the winner of the date was getting a diamond necklace.

Michelle the psycho thought for sure she was going to win, but it ended up being Ali, the advertising account executive (shout out to my old job, woo hoo!). For the date, Jake took her flying back to the 80s to Palm Springs, where they got all “Makey-outey.” Then, Jake unveiled the big surprise: a private Chicago concert! The two of them spent the rest of their time together dancing like white people.

Who went home: Rozlyn, obviously. She was sent packing after getting a first impression rose, but before the actual rose ceremony. Since one had already been sent packing, only one girl got sent home during the rose ceremony. Turns out, it was Ashley, the teacher from Pittsburgh (so much for The City of Champions!).

Who should’ve gone: This week, Jake gets my (tramp?) stamp of approval. Rozlyn had to go, but I’ll miss having her around. Ashley looks like she got hit in the face with a hot parking meter, so he did the right thing when he showed her the door. Michelle would have also been an acceptable choice.

Who to root for: You know, I’m kind of liking Ali.

Best moment: When Chris told Jake that Rozlyn had been effing around with a production member just three hours before spending time with him, Jake’s reaction was priceless. The first words out of his mouth once he found out was, “Can I get my rose back?” ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Could this guy get any gayer?!

What to look forward to: More of Michelle’s crazy stalker behavior.

Celebrity Apprentice. More after the show premieres on March 14.

Celebrity Rehab 3. Oh, Celebrity Rehab. Just when I think you couldn’t possibly get any better, you go and show Mike Starr puking gallons of partially digested corn all over his room. Stay classy!

This week’s episode was pretty much the Mike Starr Show, which is funny considering he’s the least recognizable celebrity on the series. As he went through his methadone withdrawal, he really upped the psycho ante. In fact. Dr. Drew was >thisclose< to sending him to a psych ward for a 72 hour hold.

Tom Sizemore made is Celebrity Rehab debut this week, but he never actually entered treatment. Instead, Bob hunted him like he was Bigfoot. He looked through the woods, ran through Pink Dot and went up and down the streets of Santa Monica in search of the elusive Sizemore. Was he ever able to find him? We find out on next week’s episode.

Most shocking moment: Mike’s showdown with the cameramen.

Who to root for: The more I see Heidi, the more I want her to be my crazy aunt. Love her!

Dropout predictions: Tom Sizemore dropped out before even starting — he bailed out of the car on the way to rehab. Will he make it all the way through? Doubtful.

What to look forward to: Mindy McCready’s big withdrawal seizure (part 2!)

Denise Richards: It’s Complicated. You’ll have to wait until next week for this trainwreck!

Frank the Entertainer In A Basement Affair. This week kicked off with a fresh take on the old classic, 7 Minutes in Heaven. The girls were given 2 minutes to entertain The Entertainer. The show was also cemented in history as the dirtiest reality TV dating show ever this week…the commercials that ran in between segments included Plan B One Step (for those who are too lazy/stupid to take two pills) and Hedonism resorts.

Who went home: Mandy. I thought this should have happened the last episode, but this week she kind of got the shaft. Mandy got blamed for Cathy’s booziness. Who knew Frank the Entertainer doesn’t drink? I had no idea!

Who should’ve gone: Cathy would have been a good choice. See also: Tammy, the Asian who no speak Engrish too good.

Best moment: When Felicia came out with “I had breast cancer, and had half of my boob removed. I had to have reconstructive surgery anyway, so I got them in size HUGE!” Go big or go home, I guess.

Who to root for: Last week I said that Annie was my favorite. This week she proved my point, by making art out of trash for Frank. Aw, she knows just how to weasel her way into a man’s heart!

Who will win: My money’s on Felicia.

What to look forward to: More whoring, more catfights and more sharing of STDs. Woo hoo!

The Real World: D.C. I LOVE THIS SEASON! Before the episode started, a preview said that we could look forward to Ty “insulting Callie in the worst way possible.” Could it be? Were we going to see him drop a C-bomb on the sweet blond girl? NO! He just told her she was too fat for Playboy. Sure, made for good TV…but he could have done a lot worse.

We also got to see the “Mr. and Mrs. Smith fight” between Emily and Ty. It started because Ty wanted to actually date Emily, who wasn’t having any of that. To really emphasize that point, she started grinding on every black guy in the club. When the roommates all got home that night, Ty and Emily started play fighting, which led to her spitting in his face, which lead to the calmest blowup we’ve ever seen. Is it possible that the producers were able to find 8 strangers who are totally rational while fighting?

Best moment: Ty yelling at Emily, “Hey Emily, how were all the black guys at the bar?”

Who’s hooking up: Andrew, my Pimpin’ Panda, didn’t hook up at all this episode. Instead, all focus was on the Ty/Emily situation, with a side order of Callie’s body issues.

What to look forward to: More of Callie’s body image problems.

Shark Tank. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Shark Tank is best watched with a bottle of booze handy. This week’s episode was the lamest in history — only one deal was made, and it barely happened.

Deal of the night: The creators of Grease Monkey Wipes wanted $40k in exchange for 40% of the business. Robert and Barbara went “halfsies” on the deal, even though the formula wasn’t patented, there was pretty much no proprietary content and together they’re worth nearly 4 billion – But hey, they had a sweet logo!

Delusional douchebag of the night: The Wee Can Shop brother/sister team, who wanted $200k for 30% of their company. The business is for kids who want to buy their parents overpriced knickknacks…which the parents would actually be paying for, since most 6-year-olds don’t have their own jobs. Their flagship location only brings in $13k/year, but they want to franchise.

What to look forward to: More rejections, more opportunities for struggling inventors and more Maker’s Mark, please.

Survivor: Redemption. CAST ANNOUNCEMENT UPDATE COMING THIS WEEK!  Stay tuned.