Best and Worst Team Names In College Movies

In real life, a team’s nickname has to maintain a certain cultural relevance while evoking strength, pride, and fear into an opponent, but at the very least, the name shouldn’t induce giggling. To this day, I don’t know how anyone can get behind a team named the Jazz, or the “Game Cocks” but to each his own.I don’t judge homosexuals, it’s a decision every man makes for himself so I won’t judge the South Carolina Gamecocks either (cue the hate mail from SC Fans.)

In college movies, however, a team’s name primarily depends on the movie’s genre. A comedy obviously calls for a funny, witty, or clever nickname that most often is a double entendre. Teams in dramas aren’t afforded that silly luxury and, as a result, their team names must conjure a feeling of authenticity while not parodying or spoofing existing institutions. So, without further ado, CO-ED presents some of the best and worst team names featured in college movies.

BEST TEAM NAMES

COLLEGE MOVIE: Accepted
COLLEGE: The South Harmon Institute of Technology
TEAM NAME: Sandwiches

My friend says this is “one of the worst movies he’s ever seen.” I then turned on “The Hottie and the Nottie” starring perennial Razzie nominee Paris Hilton and that dude from Dodgeball who forgot Steve the Pirate was on the team. He retracted his statement.

Justin Long, also from Dodgeball ahem fame, is a tough nut to crack in general, but especially in this flick. He’s been introduced to America as a bumbling loser who gets nailed in the face by balls all the time, now you want me to accept him as a leading man that I respect and sympathize with? I mean, he’s the MAC guy and that pisses a lot of people off because owning a MAC automatically means you’re a hipster and being hip is obviously not cool because they try to be cool by not being cool. That whole “hip to be square” BS was cool when Huey Lewis first invented it but now it’s not even too legit to quit.

Anyway, naming your team after a food item is the next level of nicknames, hands down. Think about it, we’ve gone through animals, verbs, and most other nouns – why not food? Everyone loves food. Personally, I’m looking forward to re-naming the Boston Celtics the Boston Cream Pies. Fatty attendance and merch sales would up go up tenfold.

COLLEGE MOVIE: Old School
COLLEGE: Harrison University
TEAM NAME: Cougars

Okay, so the nickname could have been a lot funnier but let’s think about context. This movie was released in 2003. “Cougar” wasn’t even a TV show on TV Land yet, it wasn’t a skit on Saturday Night Live, and it wasn’t even socially acceptable for older women to date rape…sorry, date “men” seven to eight to twenty years their junior. As a side note, there is an actual mathematical formula for determining whether or not you’re boy toy is socially acceptable. The “half-your-age-plus-seven rule” is a rule of thumb in Western cultures defining a mathematical formula to judge whether the age difference in an intimate relationship is socially acceptable. Mathematically speaking, the rule is: Age of Younger Individual must be greater than or equal to Age of Older Individual divided by 2 plus 7 years.

When you think about the movie’s premise – three 30-somethings trying to relive their glory days in college by starting their own fraternity – it would make sense to have the university’s team name be the symbolic manifestation of their personas. However, since such a slang term doesn’t exist for men (TheDirty.com suggests “trout,” yet it came a full four or more years after the movie’s release date) the film’s creatives made do with slang for women in their 30s+ hoping to score college-aged man meat. It’s not over the top and is used sparingly. The only time we see the nickname is when Will Ferrell’s character, Frank Ricard, dons the Cougar mascot costume to jump through the fiery hoop during the spirit competition. At the time, it flew under the radar; today, it only adds to its lore as cinematic gem.

Is the chick in this scene considered a “cougar?” I don’t even know anymore.

COLLEGE MOVIE: Revenge of the Nerds
COLLEGE: Adams College
TEAM NAME: Atoms

At first glance, viewers are like, “How funny and absurd! Atoms are so super small! How can anyone fear an atom?!” Then you remember atoms can cause cute little mushroom clouds and luxurious nuclear winters. Plus, you ever try to split an atom? It’s harder than a pair of legs at a church’s bake sale.

In addition to its understated, stealthy bad-assness, the name exhibits a deep-seated level of irony considering the fervor and contempt Adams College’s jocks show for the nerds yet, at the same time, the dedication and commitment they show in representing the school and its name, which most would agree sounds incredibly nerdy.

Furthermore, how rare is it for a college’s team name to rhyme with the school’s name? Adams Atoms. So simple yet so deep. With that kind of layering, symbolism, and complexity, you can’t help but give props.

Plus, this song makes up for any nickname. Period.

COLLEGE MOVIE: Back To School
COLLEGE: Grand Lakes University
TEAM NAME: Hooters

Sometimes complex works, and other times a straightforward double entendre does the trick. Hooters is the greatest American restaurant known to man. I once went to a Baltimore area Hooters when I was in 8th grade and it changed my world. I’ve never seen my dad look happier. We ordered wings and I didn’t even touch ‘em. The fact a girl can fawn over and pretend to like a 13 year old is IM-PRESS-SIVE. Kudos, you orange-shorted masterpieces.

To be honest, I can’t believe Hooters hasn’t capitalized on the movie and offered the “Triple Lindy,” a spicy treat where three waitresses motorboat you at the same time. Delicious and nutritious.

COLLEGE MOVIE: PCU
COLLEGE: Port Chester University
PREVIOUS POLITICALLY INCORRECT TEAM NAME: Indians
PROPOSED PC TEAM NAME: Whooping Crane

Let’s get serious. I’ve seen this movie a brajillion times and I completely forgot its climactic moment! The unveiling of the new mascot: THE WHOOPING CRANE. Indians are offensive obviously(?) so, why not switch it to something that sounds kinda like a disease. You want politically correct? I got your politically correct. I would vote FOR whooping crane and then when I released ridiculously coked up cranes on the field during halftime of the ultimate frisbee game I’d stand and solo clap until I got a unanimous roar. I just got politically erect.

COLLEGE MOVIE: Necessary Roughness
COLLEGE: Texas State University
TEAM NAME: Armadillos

The porn side of me feels like changing the name to Armadildos. Mom always said I had a knack for “porning it up” yet, I’m like the Todd Marinovich of porn, never fully realized my potential. I LOVE this movie. Scott Bakula, Sinbad,  Justin Bateman?! And the coup d’état? Kathy Ireland. I would sit through a four hour period drama with an emphasis on the period if it was released in 1993 and Kathy Ireland was in the principal cast.

But, we’re talkin’ nicknames here. The movie could have been Oscar-worthy but if it was the Texas State Fighting Pap Smears it’d end up on the worst list. Armadillos are tricky dick; for instance, all I can think about is that Capital One commercial with that superhero who curls up into a ball when the butler offers him guacamole. Armadillo stock took a major hit after that debacle. I always viewed a-dillos as way cooler versions of turtles and tortoises. The next gen of hard-shelled land animals. I even went so far as to think we’d see Teenage Mutant Ninja Armadillos. Even Shredder would approve of this name.

COLLEGE MOVIE: The Program
COLLEGE: Eastern State University
TEAM NAME: Timberwolves

Hey, let’s face it, they could have gone with Wolves but they stepped it up and added “timber.” According to Wikipedia, “Timberwolf” is the nickname given to Dubya by the Secret Service. Way better than the nickname W gave to Senior Advisor and “Genius” Karl Rove. I also once played at a junior high occupied by the Timberwolves and their artist’s rendering of a timberwolf gave me sweaty, crampy, lock-jawed nightmares. Plus, just look at Steve Lattimer.

You could name the team the Kitten Lovin’ Puppy Huggin’ Fudge Packin’ Tooth Fairies and it still land on the “best” list strictly based on his love for the game (and ‘roids).

Well, maybe the movie would lose some merit. In all seriousness, if you’re gonna make a movie about the scary side of college football with a scary head coach who’s known for losing his sh*t, you can’t go with a nickname like “The Comebacks.”

WORST TEAM NAMES
COLLEGE MOVIE: The Comebacks
COLLEGE: Heartland State University
TEAM NAME: Comebacks

Where would our world be if “Scary Movie” was never made? That one spoof movie and its success created a slew of horrible knockoffs. Epic Movie. Date Movie. Disaster Movie. Movie Movie. TV Movie. Radio Movie. Did some executive accidentally sign a multi-picture deal in 2000 that guaranteed 18 sequels and/or spinoffs? Somebody over at Buena Vista looked at the box office receipts and said, “We’re not THAT far in the red. I … want … redder. Like BEAT red. Like my stepson after I see his report card.”

COLLEGE MOVIE: The Waterboy
COLLEGE: South Central Louisiana State University
TEAM NAMES: Mud Dogs

Dogs are pretty bad-ass and apparently, there’s a lot of mud in the bayou – hence, “Mud Dogs.” Hey, go with what works. I have no beef with this nickname, however, the school’s name is disconcerting. Every time I read it, I get stopped at “South Central.” I read it and all I can think about is Don’t Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood…

Which reminds me of “I’m Gonna Git U Sucka!”

And the only scene I remember from that movie is the one where that dude has a nasty bunion. Therefore, “Mud Dogs” = bunions. Henceforth, I can’t endorse the nickname.

Really, though, the primary reason I can’t fully support this nickname (or this movie) is Adam Sandler’s facemask. IT SUCKED. I understand he’s “special” and he starts off with the kicker’s facemask, but then he becomes the L.T. (Taylor not Tomlinson) of mentally handicapped linebackers and he gets a quarterback’s grill? Bogus.

COLLEGE MOVIE: Blue Chips
COLLEGE: Western University
TEAM NAME: Dolphins

Wait, this is a action-packed sports drama? Really? This is “The Program” of college basketball movies and you went with “Dolphins.” This is worse than “The Comebacks.” A mascot or nickname should embody the spirit of your school while simultaneously striking fear and intimidation in the opponent. If I look across the field, court, or rink and I see a f*cking dolphin staring back at me with its human-like intelligence and lovable blowhole I’m gonna grow 9 inches in my pants and have my conscience take a vacation. I’m surprised the Miami Dolphins are still a franchise. Even the Japanese are pissed!

COLLEGE MOVIE: Van Wilder
COLLEGE: Coolidge College
TEAM NAME: Chickadees

As if the Dolphins weren’t bad enough, now we have f’n birds that are as big as my bunions. You could shorten it to “chicks” but then we’re getting into “Scary Movie” / “The Comebacks territory.” Solution? DeLorean. Time Travel. Talk to Ryan Reynolds and say, “Hey, man, wouldn’t it be awesome if we changed the nickname to Raging Cocks.” He’d look at me and I’d look at him and we’d nod then the box office plus on demand plus DVD sales plus merchandising would make “Animal House” look like “Gigli.”

FICTIONAL SCHOOLS WITHOUT NICKNAMES/MASCOTS:
There are a ton (and by “a ton” I mean “two”) of college-themed movies that fail to mention their school’s mascot or nickname. So, why not give ‘em one?

COLLEGE MOVIE: Road Trip
COLLEGE: University of Ithaca

There’s Cornell University and the College of Ithaca but no “University of Ithaca.” Cornell is the Big Red and Ithaca College are The Bombers. Okay, so you have chewing gum and dudes that blow the sh*t out of anything within a mile radius. Hmm, gum and blowing. This is an easy one: The University of Ithaca Sluts. I would’ve also accepted Cheerleaders, Tanning Salon Attendants, and Your Mothers. BURN!

I think you can find sluts in Austin… Austin, Massachusetts?

COLLEGE MOVIE: The Butterfly Effect
COLLEGE: Bradbury University
SUGGESTED TEAM NAME: Blackouts

College is a magnificent time. You learn a lot about yourself and you also forget a lot about yourself along the way. There’s actual “truth serum” and then there’s mind erasers, which usually bring out the ugly truth. Each cause has the same effect, nerd. After reading what I have to say, don’t you feel like AshKu was just blackin’ out each time he had one of those seizures? The lesson here is: Blackout as much as possible and you’ll end up 6’3” with a cougar wife.

There you have it. Think you have better team names? Are there more college movies that should have team names? Why don’t you suggest them, ya F’n dolphin!