The Worst Fitness Gizmos . . .Ever

Ever since someone realized that he could get totally ripped in just three weeks, an entire industry has sprung up to snatch the hard-earned coin of the working men and women before, you know, they actually spent it on arduous fitness regimens (that actually work) because let’s face it, if they reach their goals, then you aren’t going to be able to suck more money out of them. Alternatively, Many gyms bank on the principle of fundamental laziness to make the most money off gym members who don’t produce the most wear and tear on their equipment. And then there are those who sell directly to the consumer via methods proven to find the most slack-jawed morons (that is, customers) out there. Here’s a list of some of the worst attempts at fitness devices, and the people who make them.

Hell-Bent for Leather n’ Lead Bracelets

Buff people telling us we are miserable maggots who can become like them for a few easy payments aren’t something new. Charles Atlas was peddling his “dynamic tension” devices to 97-pound weaklings since the 1940s, giving kids the mistaken impression that they could go home, kick a chair, order a catalogue and get ripped in the span of your lunch break. Atlas wasn’t the only one doing it, though: enter the “Hell-Bent for Leather n’ Lead Bracelets”, aka “I never thought of strapping harmful metals to my wrists until now!”

Remember, even if you spent your early career acting in atrocious films and shilling for products like these, California will take you if no one else will. Yes, that’s Arnold Schwarzenegger advertising Joe Weider’s “Hell-Bent for Leather n’ Lead” bracelets. If you thought the name came from an ill-fated Vietnam War flick, you’d be wrong, but we’ll forgive you for your mistake. The ad promises that within one second of putting on these lead-weighted bracelets, you will “Ooze 100% more power!” (now I’m known to ooze, but never power.  Mostly carbs and some proteins.)  Other benefits include “Striking fear and terror” into those that would do you harm, so apparently the next time you have to go score those drugs, wearing these will make sure you get home safely.

Interestingly enough, though the entire premise of the bracelet’s effectiveness is that it would force you to expend more energy to do basic tasks, the ad promises that there is “no exercise” involved. We’re not sure which is worse, the fact that they marketed this to kids and nerds (like me) via comic books, or the fact that people may have believed that you could actually wear these things in public without getting beaten to death with them by the end of the day. Sadly, this vestige of the 1970s faded away along with the Village People and black Michael Jackson, but we can only hope that this magnificent invention comes back in some form.

AB Doer Extreme by John Abdo

Back in the day, John Abdo was just like us–eating pork rinds on the couch, sitting in front of the TV, and flat broke. Then he realized that he could make bank by creating a fitness invention that used his last name, and thus the AB Doer Extreme was born.  This gizmo pimps itself as “More than just an ab machine, it is a unique fitness product that exercises the entire midsection”. Plus, it also massages your back somehow. Win win, right? Douche-do tells us that by believing in ourselves (and buying his product) we can become just like him–the washboard abs part, not the “I-just-sold-you-a-device-that-looks-like-I-cobbled-it-together-out-of-Grandma’s-walker” part.

Okay, maybe we’re being too hard on him. Touting an “As Seen on TV” sticker doesn’t mean the AB Doer Extreme is bad, any more than having the word “Extreme” in your product title is overcompensating. His bio says he’s worked with Olympic athletes, so he’s pretty legit, right? Going by that metric, we wholeheartedly recommend buying his helpful book and CD packed with never-before-revealed information on how to get your Irish up–and how!

Anything by Tony Little

You have to give Tony Little some credit; he makes fun of himself, and judging from his products, we half think that he and his marketing team smoke every substance they can get their hands on before their pitch meetings. There are the delightful Tony Little’s Cheeks Health Sandals (Doctor Scholls should get in on that market) and various books, t-shirts, and branded food that complement the backbone of his operation, – the Gazelle, which, strangely enough, also looks like you could make it out of old geriatric walkers.

Perhaps its that hair that looks like it was made from various dead animals, but you can’t argue with numbers: he’s sold $3 billion dollars worth of merch. So awful sexual innuendo in his products aside, the winning fitness formula is clear: you can look as bizarre as you want, but if you shout “YOU CAN DO IT!” with enough enthusiasm, people will open their wallets to you. . .or legs.

Thigh Master

This gizmo deserves a special place in the circles of bad fitness product hell. The idea is simple; make people pay for two metal tubes hinged together to create resistance. What makes it stand out from all the rest is how it helped create the modern fitness trash products that we know and love today, and the fact that Chrissy was the only decent tail on Three’s Company and still somehow wound up leaving to hawk this piece of crap, which totally screwed up my Tuesday night.

It had Suzanne Somers appearing in its commercials, thus lending the product credibility through the lure of association: if we see someone with a great body using a piece of fitness equipment, the tendency is for people to believe they got their build using said equipment. Tony Little populates his infomercials with attractive women in the background, why not move the hot chick up front –and so they did.  Secondly, its infomercials combined all the now-cliche elements, including testimonials by the doctor who uses the product himself, and the magic $19.95 price point. You could buy this new for $20, or you could pick it up at an obese man’s yard sale for the price of your dignity. Your choice.

Men couldn’t peel their eyes off the TV, and had to lie to their wives that they were interested in the product.  Women saw their men ogling the TV and ran to the phone. The lure was irresistible, the profits huge, and the line of copy cats and “Me Too” business men stretched as far as a 50-cent piece of rubber that they now sell “As Seen on TV” for the requisite $19.95.

Today even Chuck Norris is in on the game.  Solo-flex, Ab-Rocket, Bow-Flex . . .do yourself a favor.  Do some push ups.  You’ll feel better.