Five Folks Who Will Convince Floyd to Fight

The Show must go on?

Well apparently nobody told “Pretty Boy” Floyd Mayweather!  Mayweather refused to step into the ring with international superstar Manny Pacquioa, widely regarded as “Pound for Pound” the best boxer in the world, after negotiations about drug testing practices failed.

Drug testing? . . .But the fight held a 50 million dollar split?  That’s enough to buy 2,632  Mini Coopers!
Pretty Boy’s camp wanted blood tests by the United States Anti-Doping Agency, which conducts random tests anytime from when the fight is signed, to the actual fight date.  However, the Pacquiao camp insisted upon one sample thirty days prior, and and another single sample immediately after the bout.

Splitting hairs over a 50 Million fight?!?!  Someone needs to beat some sense into Pretty Boy.  So we’ve chosen a veritable pantheon of top notch convincers, motivators and “Makers of offers of that can not be refused”.

5) Chuck Zito - The “other” Chuck, Zito is less famous for being an insane republican and hawking poorly made faux exercise equipment, and more famous for being a boxer, martial artist, bodyguard,  stuntman, and Hell’s Angel (Scared Yet?) (and of course his escapades with Pamela Anderson).  However, he’s most famous for knocking out Jean Claude Van Damme with a single punch in Scores NYC.  The “Muscles from Brussles” had apparently mentioned to one of his “Friends” that “Zito is a punk”.   BAM.  Lights out.   A single punch and a Page Six article later, Zito was a cult hero.  Apparently knocking out douchebags is like chopping the head off a Highlander -  in the sense that if you knock them out you get their celebrity.  At Least Steven Segal has a day job.  Where’s Jean Claude these days . . .What?  No Time Cop Sequel?

 

 

 

 

 

#4 Brad Ferro - If there was a god, when Chuck knocked out Van Damme, JVD would have landed on this SOB and both would have then fallen into a woodchipper (feet first).  For the record, we’re positive that Zito would wreck this kid, but we ranked him higher because having him fight Mayweather is a fight we can’t lose.  We”d be rooting for punches to be landed any way possible, as well as earthquakes, lightning strikes . . .anything that brings this sorry excuse for a human a portion of the pain he brought to chirpy, loud mouthed, tanned as beef jerky, NON- NYC, sexually frustrated  Glitter Chick Snookie.  Make fun of Guido’s, but remember it was the Man-child in the golf shirt and plaid shorts that sucker punched a 95 pound girl, and your so called “Fist Pumpers” that ran to her aid.  Think about it.

 

3) Staff Sergeant Donny Donowitz, “The Bear Jew” - Second in command of the Inglorious Basterds, has the attitude and the baseball bat-swinging skills to chase Mayweather right back into that Pacquiao fight.  Especially since we told him that Mayweather is a bratwurst scarfing, strudel loving Nazi sympathizer and we assured him it’s all true  . . .(except that last part about being a Nazi Sympathizer.) Lucky for us he didn’t catch us.  He was already taking warm up swings.  Word to the wise pretty boy – If you ever want to eat a sauerkraut sammich again you’ll tell these Basterds what they want to know.

 

 

2) Robocop -He set out to clean up a dystopic crime ridden Detroit, from gangs, drug dealers, rapists and most dangerous of all – A feeble, old, gray haired, white collar criminal out to steal people’s money (how’s that for a set of protocols!)  Remember, we’re talking Detroit here, and he still won!  Convincing Mayweather back in the ring – No problem.  He’ll simply say, “Dead or Alive You’re Coming With Me”

 

 

 

 

 

 

1) Vito Corleone – A fair, honest man of respect, Vito Corleone will make Mayweather an offer he can’t refuse.  Mayweather can make good on the original contract, and a chance to stop all the ugly name calling thus earning the full purse (minus just enough to wet his beak).  However, if Mayweather refuses the offer will go to $1.  Then Luca Brasi will put a gun to Mayweather’s head, and Vito Corleone will assure him that either his brains or his signature will appear on that contract.

 

Oh how I miss the good old days.