Twilight New Moon: Just One Example of Why Vampires Suck!

By Neal

With The Twatlight Gaga: New Poon coming out this weekend, I can’t help but feel more than a little peeved at how much attention vampires are receiving. More specifically, it irks me to no end to see hordes and hordes upon hordes of women swoon, seizure, and pass out over the mere mention of a vampire. No matter what the flick or show, chicks be lovin’ dem bloodsuckers. Well, I say they’re c*cksuckers! The increase in popularity signals a decrease in machismo and respect for the male vampire. Now, let me COUNT the ways in which the vampire SUCKS:

Vampires completely contradict everything I’ve ever striven for. They don’t have money, they don’t workout, they act effeminate most of the time, they slink around and sneak up on you and act all depressed. If you did any of this in real life, you’d be picked up by the cops on charges of third degree loitering and second degree creepery. So, why do girls get all orgasm-y when a vampire swoops in through the window? Is it because they’re outcasts? If that’s the case, then why aren’t Cameron Frye and Crispin Glover swimming in vagina?

Listen, I know chicks dig mystery and danger. Most girls have fantasies about a “faceless stranger” that comes in the middle of the night, ties them up, and has their way with them. Try that sh*t in real life. Go ahead. Are you in jail yet? Yes, I’ll bail you out – it’s my fault anyway for putting that idea in your bean. What’s the lesson here? Women talk a big game. When it comes down to crunch time, only the crazies will back up their promises with fulfillment. Believe me, the crazies will take the fantasy WAY too far. Good luck cleaning up those wounds and proceed to a free clinic ASAP.

I can’t count on all the fingers in the world the number of times I hear, see, or read about women and their love for vampires. At this point, studios and networks just need to cull together a bunch of waif, haggard-lookin’ teens, throw some fangs and dark clothing on them, tell them to “brood,” call the show “Vampires” and BOOM, watch the ratings and ad revenue skyrocket. Oh, wait, the CW already did that!

What’s attractive about a vampire? The Wall Street Journal… yes, I’ll let that sink in… THE WSJ has an article about the “Lure of the Vampire” which claims their appeal comes from extensive knowledge (they’re like human encyclopedias!), their resiliency, their malleability, and their promiscuity. Seriously? So, basically, vampires are really refined male escorts? Some women would reply with, “They’re so seductive and aloof. They’re ‘tortured souls’.” You want torture? Walk in my shoes for half a mile. My commute sucks, my bedroom is roughly the size of a janitor’s closet, and I have about $60k racked up in school loan debt that I could pay off if I turned into a vampire, thus buying me a couple more centuries.

Face it, women love to fix the broken, but when the leak is plugged, the crack is filled, and the tortured are no longer conflicted or hurting, women get bored QUICK. It’s that constant pendulum / roller-coaster effect they seek between, “Everything’s kosher” and “My hair is ON FIRE!” that keeps them going. That was the secret to success for Friends (Ross and Rachel) and The OC (Russell Crowe, Jr and Mischa Barfton). No wonder Twilight’s successful, the 2-3 hour foreplay session that is R-Patt and K-Stew eye-humping the crap out of each other, biting lips, staring, gawking, wanting, fighting, breathing heavy but never fully boner-jamming. 2-to-1 odds he pre-mes before insertion.

No, I’ve never read the books, but I’ve seen plenty of previous vampire stories to know that the allure is all about provocative suggestion and ultimately, commitment. You love this half-bat, half-dude so much that you’re willing to become immortal and feast on blood for the rest of your “life.” Have fun with the rabies. Oh, I didn’t mention that? Yes, there’s a high chance that tall, dark, and cryptic Romeo is rabid. Women lack rationale, so it actually MAKES SENSE they’re willing to let Larry Loner in the shady corner turn them into an insatiable undead creature that can’t tan or enjoy fine Italian cuisine.

The goths welcome vampires with open wings but it surprises me to hear about stunning supermodels fawning over fanged fairies like R-Patt. You go to kiss a vampire with cheekbones like that and your face will end up looking like Mickey Rourke’s character in Sin City. The only vampires I can really appreciate are Kate Beckinsale in Underworld and maybe Wesley Snipes in Blade. They kicked ass and restored a sense of testicular fortitude to vampire lore. All that prestige is gone now with this Twilight garbage. I would say I prefer werewolves and wolfmen as my choice of monster, but judging from the trailer there are now cartoonish were-phonies vying for K-Stew’s affection. My only hope is that Benicio Del Toro kills it with Wolfman. If not, I’m relegated to 18 more Twilight sequels and 20 more TV spin-offs. I like to think that for every hero there’s an anti-hero – so, who’s willing to make the Anti-Robert Pattinson/Twilight flick? Fine, I’ll do it.