The Salty Walrus and The 11 Most Ridiculous-Sounding Sex Moves

Google “sex moves” and you might find a couple articles from chick mags like Cosmo or Redbook about how to please your man with positions like (GASP!) doggy style or (DOUBLE GASP!) reverse cowgirl. Extend your search a little further and you might find a couple articles on more advanced and complicated positions from the book of love – the Kama Sutra.

Dig a little deeper, and you’ll find the most debaucherous, awful-sounding sex moves that I hope no one ever tries sober. You’ve probably heard of the “Dirty Sanchez,” “Rusty Trombone,” or “Cincinnati Bowtie,” but those are just the collective tip of the iceberg… which I’m sure is a sex move waiting to happen.

Below is a small sampling of some hideously sinister sex terms you’ll come across in your cyber travels: 

1. “Arabian Death Mask”

G-RATED DESCRIPTION: Remember that scene in “Step Brothers” where Seth Rogen’s character interviews Brennan and Dale and they’re wearing tuxedoes? Starts off really well, looks like they’re going to get the job, then Mr. Reilly cuts the cheese? Mr. Rogen then remarks, “It’s in my mouth. I can taste it.” Yeah, this move is kind of like that only way more up close and personal and your lover’s eyes are covered by your man parts. Picture a reverse atomic sit-up on steroids.

R-RATED DESCRIPTION: NSFW Language

RATING: 1 groan and 1 dry heave with a side of ketchup and onions

2. “Back Breaker Double Fishhook”

G-RATED DESCRIPTION: This sounds like a WWE finishing move, and I can’t imagine it feels any better than one for the recipient. As if a back breaker didn’t ooze enough sexual excitement, they threw a double fishhook in there – ooo la la. Remember when Wayne Campbell and Garth Algar would spin a yarn to someone about something that wasn’t true and that gullible someone bought it? They yell, “Fished in! Fished in!” and fishhook themselves? Picture someone doing that to both sides of your mouth from behind.

R-RATED DESCRIPTION: NSFW Language

RATING: 1 Shake of the head and a rub of the jaw

3. “Canadian Jackhammer”

G-RATED DESCRIPTION: Why is it you throw the word “Canadian” in front of something and it makes the whole expression or phrase worse? Canadian bacon. Canadian tuxedo. Canadian holiday. It’s no different with this gem of a term. I’ve yet to hear a girl use the word, “jackhammer” in a positive way. After reading what this move is, “jackhammer” and “canadian” both have a long, long, long road to hoe before their connotations don’t induce wincing.

R-RATED DESCRIPTION: NSFW Language

RATING: 1 shake of the head and a rub of the neck

4. “Cross-Fingered Crippler”

G-RATED DESCRIPTION: Another move that sounds like a WWE finisher. This one makes me think of Chris Benoit who was known for the “Cross-Face Crippler.” He ended up killing his wife and kids using his trademark move. Is any of this getting you in the mood yet? Well, if mentally unstable roidfaces don’t get the motor running, “finger” probably won’t help either. It’s one of those words that you’ll never hear a girl utter. Considering some of the other moves on this list (and other ones too harsh to include on this list), this one’s like the Mickey Mouse of sex moves.

R-RATED DESCRIPTION: NSFW Language

RATING: 1 sigh

5. “Handbagger Helper”

G-RATED DESCRIPTION: I used to love Hamburger Helper as a kid. That lovable glove laughin’ and a livin’, bringing joy and family togetherness to the dinner table. At no point did I look at that glove and think, “Ground meat and elbow noodles bring joy and family togetherness to my underpants.” This move most certainly does NOT bring joy to your female counterpart and I can’t imagine the glove giggling as said female counterpart finds what could be construed as “dessert” in her purse following a relatively joyless lovemaking session. Or, maybe he would, that sick glove.

R-RATED DESCRIPTION: NSFW Language

RATING: 3 giggly gloves

6. “Jellyfish Surprise”

G-RATED DESCRIPTION: Everyone loves the Tooth Fairy, right? I can still remember losing my first tooth and thinking, “Score! Time to get my money right!” How pissed were you when you found out it was just your wing-less, halo-less dad stumbling into your room half-asleep with a crinkly dollar bill he found under his driver’s seat after your Mom chewed him out for almost forgetting? THAT’S how pissed the girl is after she finds what you placed under her pillow. The cycle of life… beautiful, isn’t it?

R-RATED DESCRIPTION: NSFW Language

RATING: 5 High Fives plus $5

7. “Leprechaun’s Revenge”

G-RATED DESCRIPTION: Did you know the English and Irish do not like each other very much? They also call man sauce or the act of releasing one’s man sauce, “bloop” or “blooping.” Now, that you have some context, here’s what the move involves: an Irishman blooping on the British Flag, smearing the blooped flag on the English woman’s face and firing hot potatoes at her. So, if you’re a British chick and you see you motherland’s flag, an oven, potatoes, and an Irishman – get excited, you’re about to get laid.

R-RATED DESCRIPTION: NSFW Language

RATING: 3 Shamrocks and a crumpet

8. “Nicaraguan Crab Sandwich”

G-RATED DESCRIPTION: I’ve never been to Nicaragua but I hear nice things. I’ve always hated eating hard shell crabs, which I found out the hard way attending school in Baltimore. You can imagine where my stomach’s at looking at the term listed above. After reading what the move is, I’d rather eat one then do one. It involves feet, her mouth, and her exit. Yeah.

R-RATED DESCRIPTION: NSFW Language

RATING: 1 severe case of heartburn, severe indigestion, and tounge scraping

9. “Salty Walrus”

G-RATED DESCRIPTION: Remember that scene from “Dumb and Dumber” when Harry and Lloyd drive through the Rockies on that tiny motor scooter and they’re so cold that snot dribbles from their nostrils and freezes to their faces? Well, the snot trails look like walrus tusks. So, why “salty?” Have you ever had something come out your nose and be totally cool with it?

R-RATED DESCRIPTION: NSFW Language

RATING: 2 Kleenex

10. “Veal Cutlet aka The Screaming Seagull”

G-RATED DESCRIPTION: After I saw those educational movies about how veal is made, I’ve steered (ha) clear of the delicacy. Even with that in mind, “breading” your member with sand will eventually result in your special lady friend emitting a sound on par with a screaming seagull. I can just see the girls lining up around the corner for this sexy time exercise.

R-RATED DESCRIPTION: NSFW Language

RATING: 500 days of Summer

11. “Alabama Hot Pocket”

G-RATED DESCRIPTION: There is some debate over what this one actually means. One party believes it involves Icy Hot (or Ben Gay), the other school thinks it has to include scat. Either way, ‘Bama’s getting a bad rap on this one. On a positive note, I can’t wait to road trip it through the bible belt and stop at a 7-11. Surprisingly, this move had nothing to do with her “Crimson Tide.”

R-RATED DESCRIPTION: NSFW Language

RATING: Number 2

12. “Flying Camel”

G-RATED DESCRIPTION: Hey, Joe Camel is sexy, right? I mean he makes smoking look so f’n hot! But, he’s also a cartoon and the cartoon variation is always more appealing than the real thing. Truth is, camels are gross. Of course, they have humps, which makes one think of Fergie and her lovely lady lumps, so it can’t be all that bad, right? Not when it’s airborn and letting out gutteral moans like a female bodybuilder birthing a baby bull. This move can be filed under the “caught by surprise” category.

R-RATED DESCRIPTION: NSFW Language

RATING: 4 packs of smokes

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