The 15 Biggest Internet Jackasses of All-Time

The Internet is literally filled with jackasses. Their misfortunes and apparent retardation are a large part of what keeps people coming back. So to narrow it down to only 15 might be a bit audacious. But that doesn’t mean we can’t try. Here are the 15 people we here at COED think, for one reason or another, deserve a spot in the history books under “Biggest Internet Jackasses of All-time.” Enjoy.

NOTE: We did not include anyone who makes their living being a jackass on the Internet. Only amateurs allowed.

15. Watermelon Smash Guy

At first, this seems like it’s going to be awesome: This guy, Jurgen, is going to attempt to smash 25 watermelons in two minutes, with his head, on Serbian television. Sounds great, right? Wrong. Instead, blondie Jurgen cracks open his face and starts bleeding everywhere – and just keeps going, and going, and going. If this guy isn’t a jackass, we don’t know who is…

14. Guy Who Likes to Be Squashed

These days, with realty TV, YouTube and daytime talk shows, getting your 15 minutes of fame is easier than ever. But some people really just should not be famous. How can you tell if you’re one of those people? Well, if the reason you’re on TV is because you have a morbidly obese wife who you like to have bounce on your face, that’d be your first clue. Now, it wouldn’t be so bad if this guy were only on “Tyra.” But with the help of the Internet, this guy’s 15 minutes has turned into an eternity of shame. Totally worth it, right?

13. Giants Fan in Shambles

This guy was super bummed after his beloeved New York Giants got bumped from the playoffs. Fine. But just a bit of advice: If you’re going to be into badass sports like football, it’s probably best to get those tear ducts of yours under control before you allow people to video tape you…

12. Breast Feeding Woman

“Jackass” might not be the right word for this woman. Something like “delusional psychotic” is probably more appropriate. Because what this woman is doing by allowing her children to breast feed for so long is tantamount to child abuse – they are going to be seriously f**ked up. But that “It’s better than mango, even,” line still gets us every time.

11. Boom Goes the Dynamite Guy

Now, nobody here at COED has ever studied the craft of broadcast journalism, but we’re pretty sure the first thing they teach you is that knowing how to speak is very important. Seriously, you have to be able to string words together into a complete sentence if you want to get anywhere in this business. Which is probably why this guy is nowhere to be found. It’s a shame – “boom goes the dynamite” is such a good catch phrase.

10. David Hasselhoff, Drunk

It’s sad when anybody’s life falls apart. They start doing drugs or drinking themselves into a withered, shameful stupor, and you just want to put them out of their misery. Or, if you’re David Hasselhoff’s daughter, you want to put it on tape, so everyone in the world can see what a trainwreck The Hoff has become.

9. Naked Wizard

If you’re going to be a Naked Wizard, fine. But if you’re going to be a Naked Wizard in public, make sure there aren’t any cops around to Taser your ass before you strip off your robe. (P.S. Do you even have a penis? ‘Cause it doesn’t look like it.)

8. Christian Bale

Anybody who’s ever hung out with actors (and isn’t an actor himself) knows what psychotic, self-centered wankers they can be. So nobody should be surprised when big-name actors like Christian Bale flip the hell out at someone who makes less money than them. Yes, we all have our shameful moments. Yes, he apologized. He’s still an asshole.

7. Stop Calling Me a Homo Kid

How this kid never learned that when dealing with bullies, the worse thing in the world to do is to yell at them for making fun of you, we’ll never know. Doing that just makes you look like a ridiculous wussy. And that rule applies doubly if you’re trying to get people on YouTube to stop calling you a “homo.” Because, seriously, you look like a total homo.

6. Kanye West

Maybe it’s not fair to have Kanye West on the list, since he’s just a jackass, not only online, but in everything he does (that doesn’t include a recording studio). But since the proliferation of his douchebaggery has happened primarily online, and since he insists on WRITING IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS on his blog, constantly, he definitely deserves a place on this list.

5. Cop Who Shoots Himself

If you’re going to teach a class about gun safety, the first thing on your checklist of things to cover should definitely be “Don’t be a retard.” But apparently, this guy forgot to add that one – and instead, shot his dumbass in the leg in front of the whole class. Oh, the irony!

4. WoW Freakout Kid’s Mom

While not technically the focus of any Internet jackassery, this woman has produced what has to be one of the most spoiled, misbehaved, disrespectful pieces of sh*t kids the world has ever seen. And it’s for this reason that we include her on this list. So, maybe now would be a good time to brush up on your parenting skills, because throwing toys and money at your little brat kid certainly hasn’t helped in the slightest.

3. WoW Freakout Kid

When we first saw this asswipe’s original WoW Freakout, we couldn’t tell if it was fake or not. (Shoving the remote up your ass? Really?) But after seeing all the other videos from this jackass, we realized he’s just a snotty, spoiled, rich brat that desperately needs to have his ass kicked. (P.S. Steven, if you’re reading, can you at least explain how the hell you made your clothes vanish?)

2. Bill O’Reilly

Look, Bill O’Reilly is a f**king tool if there ever was one. He’s a complete asshole to whomever he sets his sights on, it’s what he gets paid millions of dollars to do. But was anybody really that surprised to find out that he’s a total sh*thead off-air? Not to us. But that doesn’t mean his freakout isn’t still comedy gold.

1. Pot Brownie Cop

Since everyone knows that you can’t die from too many weed brownies, wecould write pages about why this guy is such a complete dipsh*t. But all we’ll say is this: If you’re a cop, and you do something illegal, don’t f**king the authorities and tell them you’re doing something illegal. Yes, we know you thought you and your wife were dying. And that’s scary. But you, sir, got everything you deserved.