10 Jobs That Will Turn You into a Total Dick
September 30, 2009 by Andrew - Hunter College
Here in America, people can choose pretty much whatever job they want. As long as you get an appropriate education, work hard and keep a good head on your shoulders, your future is what you want it to be. But there are some jobs out there that are guaranteed to wither that charming personality of yours into a bitter, nasty dickwad. So, in no particular order, here are 10 Jobs That Will Turn You into a Total Dick.
1. Debt Collector
I can’t really hold it against these tenacious sons-of-bitches for calling me all the damn time. It’s not their fault I didn’t pay off my student loans. After getting your voicemail for two years, you figure they’d catch the hint, that you aren’t interested in taking their call.
Sadly, it doesn’t happen. And they keep calling. Until one day you answer, and they guilt you into coughing up $1,200 that you don’t have, which is why you’ve been ignoring them in the first place. For some twisted reason, this is perfectly acceptable. But it still doesn’t want to make me kill my phone any less…
2. Lawyer
If they’re on your side, it’s awesome. But if they’re trying to get you convicted of manslaughter when you were actually smoking weed and playing Xbox at the time – eh, not so much. However, it is their job to argue the parameters of the law. And that means being both highly argumentative and extremely nitpicky, which are fine traits for lawyering, but pretty freakin’ obnoxious when you’re not in a court room.
3. Social Services Worker
In America, the conventional wisdom is that ‘the poor’ are lazy, drunk and stupid, suckling on the government teat while they pop out kids just for the sh*ts and giggles.
But in reality, they have to bust their asses twice as hard, just to stay above water. And a large part of that ass-busting involves dealing with social services workers who are supposed to help the unprivileged with acquiring things like food stamps, housing assistance, Medicade, etc. But because their clientèle are all too poor to complain for fear of losing their life-saving benefits, social service workers are able to be as slow, incompetent and unfair as they like. Hahahahaha… stupid poor people.
4. Doctor
You’d think that someone whose profession revolves around making people feel better would be good at, you know, making people feel better. But if your experience has been anything like mine, getting some antibiotics usually involves being talked down to for the few minutes the doctor’s in the room, learning about what a dumbass you are for not taking your omega-3s.
5. DMV Agent
Maybe it’s the endless sea of forms, maybe it’s the soul crushing monotony, maybe it’s the lighting -whatever it is, being a DMV agent can turn even the sweetest person into a helpless asswipe. Add that to the fact that nobody who goes to the DMV is happy to be there, and you end up with a real sh*tstorm of suckitude on your hands.
Of course, any job that requires you to deal with the general public for any amount of time makes you hate everyone – because everyone’s a g*ddamn retard. But that doesn’t mean you’re not a complete punkass by the end of the work day, yourself.
6. Musician
When you answer to nobody but your own creative instincts, your agent and a bottle of Jack Daniels, it’s pretty hard to not become a raging sh*thead. And if you’re extremely talented and/or successful the task of remaining a pleasant human being becomes that much more difficult. Luckily, most of us don’t have to deal with full-time musicians on a regular basis, so if they want to be an asshole while they crank out rockin’ tunes, so be it.
7. Drug Dealer
Depending on the goods this guy is dealing, he could just be a douchebag to begin with. For instance, if someone deals crack and crystal meth to middle schoolers, that’s just a bad person. If he’s just your average weed dealer, on the other hand, he’s probably a fairly friendly individual. But because he smokes weed constantly – and because he doesn’t have a boss – he’ll probably leave you waiting anxiously for 4 hours for him to show up with the goods. And then, once he gets there, he’ll want to smoke the weed you just bought, play video games for a few hours and then pass out on your couch. Not cool, dude. Not cool…
8. Immigration/Border Officer
Like police officers, immigration officers are paid to be somewhat dickish. If they weren’t, they wouldn’t be doing their jobs well. But that doesn’t change the fact that they make everyone they talk to feel like a secret criminal. Hell, the last time I crossed the border back into the US, the officer nearly had me convinced that I was smuggling drugs and a family of Mexicans in my hatchback.
9. Insurance Agent
Anybody who’s ever had to file an insurance claim knows what complete and total butt-munches insurance agents can be. If the deductible on your car is $1000, you can be sure that the estimate the agent gives you for that banged-in back door will be for something around $1,008.64, just to rub it in. And God forbid you try to get health insurance with a ‘pre-existing condition,’ because you won’t. Which is your fault, really. I mean, what kind of idiot goes out and gets sick. C’mon…
10. Police Officer
No other profession recruits and cultivates as many assholes as the police. In fact, any job with a badge involved, from mall security guards to the FBI, turns even a person with the best intentions into a complete and total dickwad. Maybe it’s the dangers of the job, maybe it’s the people cops have to deal with on a daily basis, maybe it’s just a regular, old power-trip, but no matter how noble it is to “protect and serve,” just know that if you’re a cop, everybody hates you.
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Speaking for the police officers do honestly think we care? We’re not there we you need us and there when you don’t. So stop your whining and sign the ticket.
Tow truck drivers
Lots of people would be dicks if they get treated like crap. I work for tips, when people don’t tip, they’re not going to get great service and they’re drinks won’t be top quality.
No Tim, we know you don’t care which is EXACTLY what makes you cops such total dicks. Guilty or innocent, it’s all the same to you. You just harass whoever seems the least dangerous. Speeders are a hell of a lot less dangerous than drug dealers, but they also are less likely to carry a gun. So who do you waste the taxpayer dollars chasing? The ones who won’t fight back of course. Now stop YOUR whining and go after the real criminals for a change.
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Tim, I actually don’t agree with the consensus of everyone hating cops and cops being dicks. But you wrote 2 lines in the comment section and embaressed yourself like 5 times. That takes skill. I challenge anyone to read his comment and not shake your head laughing at his comment.
software tester
As a Police Officer no one knows better than I, some cops are dicks, but most are good guys that like to make contact with and help the public. Just like when one bad cop gives all of them a bad wrap, one hundred bad citizens give all citizens a bad wrap as well. Cops are lied to so much they learn to not believe anyone about anything upon first contact. They are not taught this, but do pick it up after they serve for just a very short time. With tickets, no officer I know loves to give them but after working fatal accidents especially involving young children they learn not to care what the reason you were doing 20 miles over the speed limit for, or speeding in a school zone. Police officers have heard every excuse in the book more than once. Allot of people would like to see all cops go away but they don’t realize how rough life would be if people could do want they want, or drive as crazy and fast as they want. I give everyone as much respect as they give me. When they are jerks I will go a step above to maintain control trying to prevent damage to myself or them for that matter. Just my 2 cents.
you make good points ken.
Meter Maid.
Ken, you sound like a nice guy. You also just gave out the company line word for word. Hey, propaganda doesn’t work unless it’s at least partially true. On the surface, what you said makes sense, and I’m sure you truly believe it; but think deeper than that.
For example, you say you give as much respect as you are given. I’m sure you try. However, you have been told your whole career that you deserve more respect than an average citizen. You are, after all, an authority figure. They MUST respect you, and most of the people you are forced to deal with, just aren’t respectable. So who can blame you, then, for demanding the respect you are told you deserve?
Who can blame you for also not giving that same respect easily? For one thing, these people are just civilians. They depend upon YOU. You don’t need them. Sure, they “pay you” with taxes, but they didn’t make that decision, and for all you know they are tax dodgers anyway.
I mean, like you said, police are lied to every day. People see you and immediately start thinking up excuses. So you have to cut through the bullshit right? Never stop suspecting, because if you do, you might miss something. Doesn’t that make you suspect maybe the people you are dealing with aren’t giving you the respect you deserve, even if they appear to? It could be just another lie. It’s a front, and if they don’t really respect you, you don’t have to respect them. Even if they seem to deserve it now, who knows what might come to light later.
So do you really give back the respect your given, or does that suspicion keep you from even doing that? But hey, so what, it’s the job. You aren’t here to respect them you’re here to protect them. I mean, without police to keep them in line, who knows what they would do to themselves. Well, you do. You’ve seen it. That’s why you, and the politicians you serve, know whats best for everyone. You can protect them from themselves. After all, without you an your kind, who would protect them?
Maybe themselves. Maybe nature is right. Maybe power shouldn’t rest in the hands of the few, but in the many. In the all. Maybe everyone should be free to do what they do, and maybe out of necessity, people would be better people. People able to defend themselves. People not consumed by boredom and consumerism. It may not always be pretty and sterile, but maybe it’s proper. Maybe with no one to control them, reign them in, and keep them blissfully ignorant, people would have to step up. Maybe the strong of body, mind, and spirit would survive, while society would cauterize it’s own wounds naturally. Maybe the people that are the problem you seek to control couldn’t survive in a society capable of defending itself.
Society is diseased, but it has a natural way of curing itself. Government in excess only acts as an immunosuppressant.
I’m sure you and your fellow officers are great people. I’m sure I’d enjoy buying many of you a drink. I don’t think the above is what you intend. I don’t think you’ve ever even thought about it. In the end, this is the way it is, and in the world as it is, I’d probably rather have you than not. But just because it’s the way it is, doesn’t mean it’s the way it should be. Think about that.
Justin, just guessing…. political science or psych major?
Every cop, every teacher, every Corrections Officer, every….oh let’s just say “authority figure” that most of us deal with on any level (day to day or rarely) represent just a microcosm of society at large.
The reasons for which they do their jobs are just as varied as the employees in the private sector.
There are cops of every political, religious, racial and any other demographic identifier working the streets. Do some stereotypes apply? Of course! Stereotypes have to have some basis in truth or no one could see the humor/irony in many situations.
But for you to be able to catagorize and pigeonhole a single profession, AND promote a mythical cure for societies ills is either genius or a presumptuous attitude/lacking in real life experience, in the extreme.
Truth: There are people out there who will almost always lie, cheat, steal and view everyone else as a target or a threat. They are stuck at the pre-adolescent maturity level, where the whole world is only about them. They represent a very small percentage of society, but the danger lies in the fact that they have the same rights as you and I, they are indistiguishable from you and I and they know the “system better than you and I.
Society as a whole has to treat these members as a cancer cell in the “somes publicus”, by either eliminating their ability to destroy parts of the body public or changing their behavior. The agents of that challenge are the police which you hire.
Give the average patrolman two years to try and figure out who the asswipe is and who isn’t on a daily basis, and you have a person who just cannot afford the emotional investment in always viewing everyone he/she meets in a non-judgmental light.
Hell, most cops won’t even trust another cop from a different precinct or department… because they’ve been burned too many times.
But, at the end of the day, those same cops go home and do what the rest of us do. Play with the kids, go out on dates,have part time jobs, trouble paying the bills, etc, ad infinitum. They vote libertarian, democrat, republican or (rarely) not at all.
So basically, don’t patronize those who really try to serve and protect. You honestly (through no fault or omission on your part) don’t have a clue. That’s just the way it is. You have a right to your opinions, biases and prejudicial attitude… but in the end, you still haven’t a clue.
As for society being able to cauterize it’s own wounds…uhhhh… that’s exactly what the police are. The cauterizing agent. Quit viewing the authority figures and those we’ve elected as entities apart from society. We are, by definition and in acuallity, a part of the society in which we live.
Oh…. one more thing: Loved the article!! Laughed a bit, which is always a good thing.
“POWER CORRUPTS.ABSOLUTE POWER CORRUPTS ABSOLUTELY”. So says Lord Byron. This applies more to elected officials than police officers. While it is true there are many who are a disgrace to the uniform and the badge(that piece of $#!! named DREW PETERSON comes to mind),LET US NEVER FORGET THOSE WHOSE RUSHED INTO THE JAWS OF HELL WHEN THE TOWERS FELL ON 9/11.If YOU found yourself in that type of situation,I strongly doubt you’d feel inclined to include police officers in this very insightful,and somewhat naive ,article.
I can’t believe no one has mentioned IRS agents. They get training to be dicks when they start.