5 Cars that Make You Look Like a Tool

Tool-lead

The car you drive says a lot about who you are as a man. It defines your personality to the world around you, as you whiz past at 80-MPH. It is your home away from home, your out-0f-the-office office. And, if you’re lucky, it plays a major factor in helping get you laid. But if you drive one of these tool boxes, don’t be surprised if everyone else on the road wants to punch you in the face. 

hummer

5. Hummer

If you drive a Hummer and you aren’t a Marine then you are a fuel abusing, environmentally unfriendly, can’t-find-a-parking-spot-for-that-useless-tank tool. You’d be better off driving an 18-wheeler cross country.

divider-grey2

smart-car

4. Smart Car

Unless you are a midget (or vertically-challenged-yet-fully-functional person, whatever the politically correct term is today), you have no business driving a Smart Car. What your car says is that being environmentally friendly is great but being an environmentally friendly attention whore is better.

divider-grey2

Chrysler Prowler to Debut in Blue

3. Plymouth Prowler

If the wheels of your car aren’t located underneath the body of the car then you deserve what happens to one of them when you hit a speed bump. The only reason to be driving a Prowler is if you’re going full speed towards a wall.

divider-grey2

nissan-cube

2. Nissan Cube

“It’s not a car, it’s a mobile device.” It’s not a mobile device, it’s a box with wheels that encourages you to be distracted while driving and plow into a school bus. The only reason you should be driving the Cube is if you’re driving right behind the Prowler towards the wall.

divider-grey2

ford-taurus

1. Ford Taurus

It not that it is a ridiculous looking car, it’s just that you bought it for less money than you will be spending on repairs for the damn thing. Enjoy your time at the auto shop, your new home away from home.

  • Mary Kennedy says:

    Your Perfect Date Might As Well Be Rich! http://www.RichDater.com/

  • Mustangd says:

    Well it is easy to see you don’t know shit about cars and putting the new ford Taurus as number one shows that. You are basing it on the old car rep, this is a completely different car.
    I can only guess you drive a fucking Honda.

  • Steve says:

    Yeah. That’s probably a regular Taurus. But, if it isn’t, that means it’s the Taurus SHO (Super High Output), which means it’ll kick the ass of almost anything on the road, up until about Porsche territory. For 30 grand.

  • tom says:

    this is a horrible article. the new taurus is getting amazing reviews. whoever wrote this doesnt know jack about cars. whos writing these? interns? what do you drive? probably an accord. well done, jackass.

  • CK says:

    You sir, are an idiot. At least read a few car reviews before writing an article about cars.

  • That Guy says:

    Well this was entertaining. What exactly do you think happens to a car’s wheels when they go over a speed bump if they’re not within the body?
    Evidently you know nothing about cars from either a technical or aesthetic standpoint. This article was a waste of everyone’s time. Even people who haven’t read it.

  • Brian says:

    Dude, wtf? Seriously… Ford Taurus?

  • Jack Azz says:

    Good calls on the car sh*t list, but to be fair, the jury’s still out on the latest incarnation of the Taurus. Just kidding, I’m sure it’s a POS tool mobile. It is a Ford ( Fail Or Repair Daily ).

    I do think you should have also considered : Chevy Volt, VW Beetle, Audi TT, Joker-faced 2010 Mazdas, and every product Chrysler ever made, or ever will make, before they fail in a year.

  • Wookie says:

    My Taurus is like dependable…I will drive it until the wheels fall off, I still see models from the 80’s still in use…it’s lasts just like a camry. The car saved Ford in the 80’s…so many other cars deserve that #1 spot more than this one…..Pinto, LeCAr, UGO, Citation, Aztec…YER THINKIN WIT YER DIP STICK…..SWIPE!

  • Pat McGroyne says:

    You forgot the Mini Cooper. Only fags and college professors drive them.

  • Jim Jones says:

    I would have went with the Chrysler PT Cruiser. 60 yr olds trying to relive their youth in a modern age version of the buggy wagon.

    Jim http://www.TextMatch.me — Love on the go.

  • Jack says:

    Taken on their own merits as cars, Hummers are useless, but I will always quite like them because they wind up indie hipster types. By driving one of those, you don’t look too bright, but you’re at least saying “I prefer 2003 over 2006.” (Which is good in my opinion.)

    You probably don’t get the G-Wiz in America. Google it and you’ll see why it should be on here.

    I agree with the guy who mentioned the PT Cruiser. Sat in one once and you could actually squash the dashboard in like a space hopper – horrible.

  • mike says:

    uuuuh, the hummer aka fancy colorado should be 1….. this article sucks.

  • Gregg C says:

    Ok… The Taurus? Seriously?

    How about more likely choices like:
    Scion xB – A frigin box on wheels
    Suzuki x90 – I know you only used new cars but anyone who drives this (male or female) is a giant douche.
    Volkswagon Beetle – Yay! I’m a modern hippie! – Douche
    PT Cruiser – Same reasons as others have mentioned.
    Honda Element – Seriously, what’s the appeal of driving cars that look like cardboard boxes nowadays?

    There are others too that I just can’t think of at the moment

  • Lacey says:

    I don’t think the VW Beetle should be on the list like people have suggested. I want one, not because I’m a “modern hippie”, but because I am 4′10″ and can’t see over the dashboard well in most cars. And they’re good on gas when I want to travel.

    But, the Taurus isn’t a good car. Maybe the new incarnation will be a lot better..who knows? I don’t care much for Fords anyways. My uncle had a Taurus before he got his Ford F-250 and it was always needing repairs and sucked up the gas like no other.

  • Uncle B says:

    The oil is gone! So is a whole way of life for Yankee Doodle dandies – His women demand commie things, like marriage contracts, respect, even the black and oriental girls now, daycare centers, medical care for their wee ones, paternity support, shit like that! Educated they are! Goddammit! who let that happen? No longer cheap pick-ups, suckers for a shiny car? A fast lay? A one night of abuse is all you get baby,stuff? What is going on here? Cars! gone to the dogs! Little Asian dogs! Four cylinder eco-car dogs! Where’s my great hairy gas guzzling V-8 rumbling, shaking, stoplight to stoplight bullet, filled with dew-dads to catch my baser spirit’s eye? I am a sucker, I thrive on annual model changes, planned obsolescence, shoddy workmanship, peeling paint, three and four year design centers, and crooked dealers! How will I survive my daily factory abuse, now that even the crooks have gone broke! Where can I buy my “Flash and Rumble”? My “Rust and Peel”? My “Leak and Creek”? to get my surgically altered “Barbi-Doll” sterile, one night stand shallow momentary pecker pump mate? Don’t stop the propaganda machine! My life depends on it! Goddammit! Unamerican I say! Un fvcking American!

Tell us what you're thinking by leaving a comment...




COVER STORY

College Football Week Twelve Preview: Cheerleader Edition College Football Week Twelve Preview: Cheerleader Edition

The college football season is nearing its end.  Conference titles are being handed... 

South Park’s (Too Many Minorities) Not My Water Park [Video & Lyrics] South Park’s (Too Many Minorities) Not My Water Park [Video & Lyrics]

Out of the myriad of things wrong with today’s society, we need to thank Matt... 

The 7 Greatest Uniform Numbers in Sports The 7 Greatest Uniform Numbers in Sports

LeBron James was recently in the news promoting his campaign to retire the #23 in... 

Read More Posts From This Category

GIRLS

The 2009 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show & Afterparty (253 Photos) The 2009 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show & Afterparty (253 Photos)

If sexiness was flammable, NYC would have burned to the ground last night as the... 

Naked Sushi Party Girls…a.k.a Nyotaimori [48 Photos] Naked Sushi Party Girls…a.k.a Nyotaimori [48 Photos]

We pride ourselves here at COED for our ability to take any current event and make... 

Thanksgiving Poca-Hotness 2009 [80 Photos] Thanksgiving Poca-Hotness 2009 [80 Photos]

Thanksgiving’s around the corner, and as we’ve shown in years past, what... 

Read More Posts From This Category
Sometimes You Gotta Say “It Just Doesn’t Matter” [VIDEO]

Sometimes You Gotta Say “It Just Doesn’t Matter” [VIDEO]

Today’s lesson kids comes from one of greatest teen-coming-of-age comedies of all time. No, I’m not talking about ‘Bring it On’ or ‘Mean Girls’, but rather the 1979 classic ‘Meatballs‘ starring Bill Murray. When life throws you a curve ball, you either give it a whack or watch it pass by. But hit or miss, sometimes you gotta say “It Just Doesn’t Matter”.