How to Survive the Coming Swine Flu Apocalypse

With the fall right around the corner, its time to prepare for the coming swine flu apocalypse that the media is saying will undoubtedly occur. To help the male population that will have to repopulate the earth after the mass chaos subsides, we here at COED have prepared a guide to help you survive the new plague.

1. Build a Fortress

You still have time, but you’ll have to hurry. Something the size of a bomb shelter will do, but you’ll have to ensure that it is well insulated – and install a machine gun turret on the roof to ward off the infected.

Be sure to pack your kick ass swine flu fortress with plenty of beef jerky that never goes bad and a pot plant. Don’t forget to bring a lot of war movies to both occupy yourself with, and to get you pumped in case you need to strap up and journey to the outside world.

2. Learn to Identify Swine Flu Victims

When it comes time to leave the fortress to do your duty to repopulate the earth, you will need to be able to identify the healthy people whose immune system could cure Magic Johnson and the ones who have survived this long because their disease has evolved into a super swine flu.

This isn’t too hard as the super swine flu victims will identify themselves with a strong odor and non-stop complaining about how they had to be infected with this disease and lack of vaccines.

3. Arm Yourself

If the mass panic has not yet subsided and you have run out of beef jerky, you will need to make a journey to 7-Eleven but you can’t go without the necessary protection.

Silver bullets shot out of a Magnum ought to do the job if you need to blow away a snot nosed kid coming after you, and want to send a message to the others. At this point, however, most of the adult victims will be too weak to do much, so a simple beanbag launcher should help you guide your way as you journey to the store as you will want to conserve the silver bullets in this economy.

4. The Antidote

In case the worst happens (you approach a really hot super swine flu victim) there is only one thing that will help, the secret antidote.

This antidote will cost you around $10 and make you all better within 3-4 days. To obtain the secret antidote, you will need to venture into the nearest CVS Pharmacy and purchase a bottle of Tylenol Cold and a bottle of Purell. Use it wisely though as there are only millions of this exclusive antidote to go around.

For all your swine flu preparedness needs, follow the author, Igor Derysh, on Twitter @igorderysh