10 Signs You Might Be A Douche
August 26, 2009 by igorderysh
The sad reality of life is that most douchebags do not realize that they are douchebags. It’s true. You might be a douchebag and not even know it. In fact, the chances of that are pretty good. (Lack of self-awareness is another major douchebag feature.) So to help you clear things up, here are 10 signs that you just might be a douchebag…
1. You Wear a Suit When You Don’t Have To
A popular one with the “I pretend to have a better life than I actually do” douchebag. If you have ever worn a suit and didn’t have to go to work or a wedding, you’re the guy who likes to make himself feel better based on his wardrobe, ignoring his awful life choices making you…a douche.
Exceptions: It’s OK to wear a suit after you have been acquitted of a felony and are going to celebrate.
2. You Have Taken An Art History Class
If you have ever taken an art history class, then you probably spend your days at Starbucks, watching old Italian movies, and organizing war protests on Facebook making you a pretentious artsy…douche.
Exceptions: All the other classes were full – and you hate Fellini films.
3. You Like The Music Of The Police
If you’re a man, and have ever bought a Police album, gone to a Police concert, or enjoyed listening to “Behind My Camel” then you probably also enjoy gay bars and watching golf. The jury is no longer out on you…you’re a douche.
Exceptions: You’re a woman.
4. Your Hair Is Standing Straight Up
If you spend more of your night styling your hair than you do sleeping, you also wear jeans with intentional tears in them, wax your chest, and spray tan. If the look you are going for is “Growing Up Gotti” then you are undoubtedly a huge douche.
Exceptions: If you accidentally fell into a vat of hair gel, you get a pass.
5. You Wear A Wool Hat In The Summer
Once again, a popular one with the pretentious artsy douche. You probably complete the look with an ironic scarf and screw anyone that thinks you’re stupid for wearing it in the middle of summer. You sir, are a douche.
Exceptions: You’re Tom Hanks in the movie Philadelphia.
6. You Use The Word “Hella”
There are a number of words douches use but “hella” is undoubtedly the most infuriating because they replace every word with it. If you have ever used the word “hella,” you’re a hella douche.
Exceptions: If you used the word while saying “If you say ‘hella’ one more time I’ll kick you in the shin.”
7. You Have Tied Yourself To A Tree
If you have ever tied yourself to a tree to try to save it, you deserve to be cut down with the tree. There are trillions of other trees in the world, the one you tied yourself to is meaningless… Douche.
Exceptions: You were trying to get laid.
8. You Wear A Tilted Cap
If you’re not Jay-Z, you’re only going to look like a douche…which…is what you are if you wear you hat at a tilt. That includes C.C. Sabathia.
Exceptions: You have won a Source Award.
9. You Car Has Spinning Rims
Your wheels have spinning rims, your sound system cost more than your Escalade, and you spend a month’s salary on gas. You’re a spinning douche.
Exceptions: It’s your mom’s car.
10. You Like M. Night Shyamalan Films
He’s made one good movie and you watch his crap movies religiously. That includes having seen Lady in the Water and The Happening. You are actually a bigger douche than he is.
Exceptions: None. He is awful.
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Ouch for No. 10.
FAIL on 8. Tilted caps are win if you do it right.
You got me on 10 though.
This is a hella good post. D’oh.
Man, The Police were one of the greatest bands ever. Sting may not be cool, but Stewart Copeland is one of the greatest drummers ever, and Andy Summers is a fuckin’ ridiculous guitar player. Don’t let Sting’s post Police, rainforest saving, tantric sex, yoga endeavors ruin “Driven To Tears” and “Message In A Bottle”.
The rest of them are right on.
Tilted caps are defintely a douche thing to do. I also can’t stand when people don’t take the sticker of their new era caps. I found a similar article here that readers may like..
http://livingwithballs.com/random-guys-who-i-want-to-punch-in-the-face/
All are right(especially 2, 5, and 8 *even if you are actually from the hood, there is NO defending #8*).
#2 is partly correct except for watching Italian films, and hating Fellini. Fuck, go watch yourself some Satyricon or Amarcord and you’ll have the time of your life. And don’t be a douche!
The Devil…right on. igorderysh is a douche canoe.
How did “wearing sunglasses indoors” not make the list?
Tilted caps are win if you do it right.
Um.
This is never true.
Ever.
I think people whole make up list like these are a total Douche.
who ever wrote this article is a douche for using the word hella incorrectly. for example…you can’t be hella douche. that’s like saying you are very douche. therefore my friend you are HELLA STUPID!
u missed some…wearing your collar popped…taking pictures of your brand name clothing and posting them on facebook
WTF? The music of the Police is awesome. I think they meant to say if you are a guy and you like the solo music of Sting you are a douche. But I’m sorry, liking “Driven to Tears”, “Invisible Sun” and “King of Pain” doesn’t make you a douche, it means you have good taste in music.
So you are casually dismissing the work the work of Visconti, Fellini, Olmi, De Sica, Antonioni, Pasolini, Bertolucci, Rosi, and Rosellini? This represents ~ 30% of cinema.
It seems writing that writing this article about being a douche is recursive.
Man jewelry, Ed Hardy anything, spray tans, Bluetooth devices,
diamond studs in pierced ears, liberal use of cologne &/or body sprays, glossy lips, eyeliner. Tilted caps … always douchey, always.
Ahh yes..Ed Hardy crap is a must on this list. It is the ultimate douche attire!!
I can’t believe they didn’t even touch on popped collars. If you pop the collar on your polo shirt when you go out, you’re a douche. If you wear one polo shirt on top of the other to make you look a little more buff, you’re a double-douche. If you pop both collars on your overlapping polo shirts, you’re a mega-douche.
TITLED AND BACKWARDS CAPS ARE DEFINITE DOUCHE MATERIAL. They are designed to keep the sun out of your eyes, nit a marketing gimmick. Even thought I like Romo – he’s a douche for wearing his cap backwards. Either wear it right or don’t freaking wear it – Amen.
Also, The Police? gimme a break – their from the 80’s and its based on reggae music, dumb-ass. #3 should read “Sting Music” not the Police. This one was obviously derived from someone younger than most of my pairs of socks…